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male
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*etateanu
writes: Hi . I'm in a long-distance relationship that seemed to become stronger and stronger in time, regardless of the distance between us. A little while ago, she's been talking about going back to her home country, coz she kinda hates her current job. The thing is she told me that if she goes back there she might not return, which will definetely put a stop to our relationship. I don't understand this. She always says that she loves me more than anything so why would she say she will probly settle back to her old life if she goes back to her country and might not return. It doesnt make too much of a sense to me; how can I tell if she really loves me. Should I just say: "Ok , go back and then if U really love me, you'll come back for us to be together". It's so hard coz I really thought no distance can separate us, I felt our relationship is made of hardened steel and cannot be broken easily. Unfortunately , I'm kinda stuck now with University studies (9more months to go) so I can't go to her now. Can anybody give me seome kind of advice as to what I can do ? I would feel really destroyed if our relationship ended, b-coz I really felt like she's "the one". Thanks. God Bless !
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male
reader, cetateanu +, writes (22 November 2006):
cetateanu is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate your post martini, but U still don't get some things. First of all, I'm in a country where based on my citizenship it would be pretty hard to just go find a job in W Europe. Maybe illegally, but that's not really an option. Second of all we did see each other, spent a few months together even and she also visited me recently. I don't currently have a job, I'm struggling with Uni (I have a scholarship based on my results which means I don't pay for my education)
This is what U said :"IT IS THEIR OWN lack of willingness to pursue those other options that causes them to lose out on other aspects of what they desire."- believe me , I wish it was so, but it's not. Man Its simple !!!!! I don't kno why its hard for U to understand. Some people live thinking what they will eat the next day ,etc. leave alone flying to other countries and ditching 3 and half years of hard work in the University. U don't get second chances in my country. Love is my # 1 priority but now it's not even an option, as I don't have any monetary funds at my disposal to pursue it. I know it's nice to think Love Is great and its the best thing ever , but WAKE UP !!!! U have to eat before U love; my only chance to get out of this country (leggaly) is thru that diploma that I get at the end of Univ (IF EVEN ! ! ) .
I think U're quite unaware of what happens in some parts of the world. Open the TV and switch it to some news channel. I don't mean to be rude. I know this site is just for opinions, but it seems to me you are blaming me for things that I shouldnt be blamed for and I can't except that. I really don't mean to be harsh towards U. I don't want U to understand me , but please don't judge me ! !
Thank U , realy and honestly for taking your time to answer my questions. In a way it helps because it "forces" me a little bit into things.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2006): In case anyone else was feeling like pouring acid into my ears, in my partial response to him and to this thread, I said the following:
As far as REALITY CHECK goes, if it really was that easy to just pick up and go, people wouldn't be posting on DC as much as people do! HELLO? [knocking in your general direction] Did I say I was made of money and own a jet where I can fly at whim to any destination on this planet? [coughs] No, no I did not even hint at it.
Now comes what 'little' options you have versus what you are really willing to do. PEOPLE ALWAYS say that so and so option is not an option, but if they limit their criteria that way, then yes, for sure, they can't do what options allow them to do in the first place. If a man or a woman has an infinite amount of options, 3 of which are reasonable, but limits him or herself to just one of them based on their personal wealth or educational dilemma, then in the end, IT IS THEIR OWN lack of willingness to pursue those other options that causes them to lose out on other aspects of what they desire.
In this case, with your lover, there are the balances of time, effort, sensitivity, and sacrifice to weigh in on. You said you love her, and she might possibly love you just as much, but you do not want to give up the last 9 months of your university, and she hates her current job. Here's the REALITY CHECK - what happened in the first few months of your meeting and falling in love with her? Did you think ever to meet with her, possibly have real physical dates, and possibly getting married? Did you not think of ways to save up money, work, spend less on yourself and others, so you can meet with her on a more 'permanent' basis?
You said you and her are poor and that money isn't something that you can just withdraw and spend. Well, that is the sacrifice of love. For poor or for the wealthy, foolish people will say love is not based around money. It isn't and it shouldn't be, but to be with your partner, PEOPLE HAVE TO SPEND MONEY.
Depending on when you went to university, if you were really willing to sacrifice your education for love, then you would have discontinued university and its tuition and materials, saved up money, worked, and travelled to live with her, and vice versa. Is this a stupid move? Yes and no. Yes because you would have given up a great opportunity to get out of a dead-end job and into an industry that pays you better, thus allowing you to pursue a relationship with your current partner or a new lover in terms of dating and marriage and potentially having children and a family together. No because you would have sacrificed for the sole criteria of love.
Whatever the consequences, you would have accepted them as is because it was the 'executive' choice you made.
And yes, to answer your questions and comments, I have fallen in love in my past no doubt, and I HAVE MADE sacrifices as well. I knew my options, but whether I take them or not, were up to me and not up to anyone or anything else. It's all about the four things I mentioned previously: time, effort, sensitivity, and sacrifice.
Anyhow, you're right on one thing though, I should have been more sensitive to your moods and not used such blunt objects. I admit that is it the raw nature of my own temper and random patience that causes this sort of ordeal for those who probably deserve better discretion. So I apologize for not being more discretionary in my first responses to you. [bows]
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2006): [sigh] I guess a few harsh words can really get to some people some times. If only people are able to see between the words / between the lines, then maybe they can stop calling me a patronizing, criticising jerk (without the "jerk" part) and think about the substance, rather than the outer-lying "hitting-you-with-a-large-foam-bat" sort of external message.
Anyway, I've given you a perspective, and what Juls have is basically a polite and filtered out version of what I was saying to you Cetateanu.
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male
reader, cetateanu +, writes (14 November 2006):
cetateanu is verified as being by the original poster of the question Tnx for the answers . I really appreciate your advice. The reason why I am concerned about her going back to her country is the fact that that country isn't one of the developed ones, as mine is not as well. She's now working in W-Europe and we were planning to settle somewhere there or maybe in the US if possible. So U see , it's not like her country finnancialy well-off. She does miss her family but that could mean going back to visit, not going back to stay... I don't think I am selfish , I just love her and if I could financially support her then I'd tell her to come here and live with me. thanx again for replying !
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female
reader, Juls +, writes (13 November 2006):
Consider it from her point of view: she's been having a long distance relationship with her family for a while. She wants to go back to a place where she feels comfortable and where she can find a good job. There's nothing completely selfish about this.
As far as you're concerned, you have 9 months of university to go. Finish these (9 months is not impossible to manage a LD relationship) and then go find her in her country. She might have stayed longer at a job she doesn't like to stay with you. It's time you returned the favor.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2006): What's up with the "God bless"? [coughs]
Anyway, the "why" in your question irritated me. Love can only go so far, even if she loves you more than anything, but REALITY CHECK: how does one be happy solely based on long distance love?
Firstly, she has the chance to get out of her disgusting job and back to her homeland. She can probably get another job there and feel more at ease which possibly can lead to more happiness and less stressful. Second, you said you can't leave university for another 9 months - well that is a choice you are making. You are CHOOSING to stay in uni to finish up. If you are as blind and deaf as you are by asking "why" in your question, then you might just stop going to uni and chase after her, possibly never having a chance to go back to uni and getting a better job, a better life, and possibly aiding a better future with your partner.
The thing is, there is a lot more to it than blind love little one (heh, not that I am any more older nor wiser!). In love, you don't just go ahead and do whatever your heart feels like. A person, a couple, a family still needs to survive, need to live, eat, and possibly progress throughout life. If you REALLY wanted to pursue her, you could have chosen to either A) stop uni and fly to meet her in her homeland, or B) continue uni and try to make things work nevertheless.
She said she might not return, then continue the LD relationship. When things are good at uni, finished and such, then fly out there and meet her. Compromise and openly communicate amongst other things and your relationship with her should be able to traverse through these rougher times. If not, then the trial and error phase wasn't meant to be.
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