A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I haven't had sex with my girl since 2003. We live together. We were from a long distance relationship. I love her. I cook for her. I make her feel good. But everytime I try and engage with her intimately, she brushes me off. Then less than a year later, I found out that she cheated on me. I was going to leave but she pleaded for another chance. I gave her a chance.Now, three years straight without infidelity, she still does not want to have sex with me. She only enjoys masturbating together but get defensive over intercourse.I am really close to sleeping with people at work who have been wanting to sleep with me. I constantly say no to them because I love my woman. But this is a long drought. I feel unattractive. And the thought that she said No to me in 2004, then slept with another man, insults me until now.Should I sleep with this woman from work? She's aware that I am in a relationship and still pursue me. I haven't felt sex in years. I'd like to go through for so many selfish reasons. Should I?
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at work, cheated on me, infidelity, long distance Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2008): Why are you keeping this woman around if she not only refuses to have sex with you but has cheated on you too??? Give her an ultimatum. Either the relationship proceeds to the next level or you're out of there. Don't cheat on her, find out where you both are first before this happens. If she still refuses to have sex with you without a very good reason as to why, run not walk out of there. Something is just NOT right. Good luck.:)
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2007): I stick around because I live in her house and I can't afford to live on my own. Also, we do have a great time together (except in bed). I sleep in the basement or living room now because the bedroom reminds me that I am ugly and unattractive (even though I am 5'10", 175lbs, athletic built).
Also, I stick around because I try to convince myself that sex is overrated and that eventually any married couple will seize having sex.
Without sex, we enjoy each other. Other people (who are married) have lots of sex but when it stops, they realize they really don't like each other. So my rationale is that maybe when we do get married I can have as much sex.
But I am slowly leaving my 20s. I will be 30 yrs old when a new President of the US sits in power.
So if my relationship is great except for sex, should I leave and demand "good" or "fair" as long as good sex is there? Please help
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2007): Hi there
When reading your question I had a question of my own, before going into whether you going off with another begins.
Have you discussed her problem? Irrespective of her cheating on you, I ask if you and she had discussed the problem? Something has definately triggered her intimate relationship with you. Did you originally cheat on her? Have to ask as is it possible that she has baggage about your relationship.
Without knowing what has hurt her about sex with you it is difficult to condone you seeking another. My husband cheated on me about 7 months ago and I CANNOT at this stage have sex with him. I also behave like your partner, as this is something I can cope with and because I still love him I want some sort of physical contact. Going the next step, to me, is special. Because of his infidelity, I can't go further as the hurt becomes devastating. My point here is that what is her reasons.
If it is emotional between the two of you then I can even understand her being able to go off with someone else and cheat on you. I have discovered with my own problem here that my reasons are all tied up with hurt, self protection, anger and punishment. Not an easy thing to fix.
I feel that you care enough about this relationship to ask for help, so you need to let us know if you have any ideas on what has triggered this reaction. She has behaved like this for a long time now, stayed with you and I can only think that if she was a total tease with no good reason, this situation would have become tiresome for her by now. Something is to me up with her, which needs help.
Before you go ahead, make sure you are not going to make your life more devastating than pleasurable. All the best.
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A
female
reader, duskyrowe  +, writes (20 December 2007):
 My heart really goes out to you it really does. First your gf refuses to have sex with you at all, she then sleeps with another guy and to top it she lets you play with her imtimately and then cuts you dead to go any further. This little madam needs to be taken down a peg or two and by doing that you should call closure on this sham of a relationship. I am amazed that you have let her get away with playing these stupid childish games for so long, you are obviously a young man with needs and have been tempted by your collegue. But before you go ahead with sleeping with another woman, the decent thing to do is to call it a day with your partner and then look for someone who values you as a man and not as a doormat. Good luck my love and let us know how you get on. Dusky xx
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (20 December 2007):
 I believe that the question you should have posted very long ago is a different one. Why do you maintain the relationship?
SamuraiRick and Richard Emids have made many good points. I disagree with Samurai in one: I don't think this girl has a problem from her past that makes it difficult from her to have sex. She did have sex with the other guy, didn't she? A rape or something as terrible as that would keep her away from every man, and then I would suppose she would be willing to have sex with her HUSBAND, from all men. And then, from your post, I suppose you had sex at some moment before the "drought".
Why do you accept this?
I would very much understand your sleeping with other women. But I have a question for you: what do you expect to solve with this? Yeah, you will relieve your sexual needs. And then, what? Back to square one?
Leave the woman, and then find someone else. But before anything else, you need to think a hell of a lot about yourself. About why you have allowed this to happen.
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A
male
reader, SamuraiRick +, writes (20 December 2007):
 Go for it!
My answer is not going to be popular here, and I already know that going in. I’m not going to play Mr. Politically Correct here, but here goes….
I will be frank with you, I don’t usually advocate cheating, but in this circumstance you have my blessing. I come from the standpoint that my ex also cheated on me, and know how it feels. And although I've stayed true in my relationship and my coming divorce, I don’t know if I could hold back if the right woman came along to relieve my sexual tension. In fact I do know some women who would rape me if I gave them the go-ahead, but that’s only now, because there's no turning back for me.
It amazes me that you can maintain such a dysfunctional relationship with this girl in the first place. Mutual masturbation is not the same as sex. She has some major issues, and it may be something dark in her past, like being raped when she was younger. She probably appreciates you as a father figure who keeps his hands off to respect her, but how can that be right for you? This not a relationship but a perversion of a relationship. Mutual masturbation since 2003? That's like being a licensed pilot who only flies simulations on a computer! I just don't see how you do it?
And then you say she cheats on you?? What the hell is that!? Is she trying to play you as a cuckold? Does she even think you're attractive enough for her to be intimate with? But then here she is doing more than rubbing private parts with this guy! This smells bad anyway you look at it. You are obviously not happy with her, and if I were you I would get out before you even consider marrying her. She's not for you, pal.
You should get out of this relationship and don't look back.
So in the short term maybe you can get together with this co-worker and relieve some of that pent up stress you've had for 4 years. Just play it safe, and don’t go throwing it in your girlfriends face either. She doesn’t need to know about it, just do it. Have your overdue sex and move on. Try not to get serious with the coworker though. Do each other and enjoy!
Long term though I don't see you changing your girlfriends sexual issues anytime soon, so like I said, find your way out of that.
Good luck, and use protection.
Peace Out!
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A
male
reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (20 December 2007):
 To be honest if I was in your position, I would not even be posting the question on this site. Nobody can criticise you for going with this woman at work.
Why is your g/f like this though? Having sex with another guy and after you forgive her, won't have sex with you. I think she still loves this other guy. She "keeping" herself for him. Are you sure they are not in contact with each other in some way?
Look, if you go with this other woman, sooner or later your g/f will find out. Before you do this, you should consider all the consequences. Living arrangements, bills, shared property. Seems like there's going to be a big bang. Best to sort out the defences first.
Richard
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