A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:So I’ve been seeing my girlfriend for over three years, now. She’s the best thing that has ever happened to me. She’s so generous, kind, thoughtful and is always putting everyone else’s needs ahead of her own. She supported me for a year while I was going through a rough patch so I owe her so much. She on the other hand says she loves me and that I don’t owe her anything. That it was the least she could do and she’d happily do it again. (God, I love this woman!)Girlfriend and I have been living together for about a year and a half and I have two children from a previous marriage who used to visit us ever few months during their school breaks (they live in another state). Girlfriend doesn’t like kids. I know this, she’s told me from day one, but that hasn’t caused any trouble because every time our kids visit, she puts in 110% effort with them. I can tell she doesn’t enjoy being around them (just like she isn’t comfortable being around ANYONE’s kids) but she still helps when I need it and spends time with all of us. I know she will never admit to me that she doesn’t enjoy being around my kids because she doesn’t want to hurt me.Anyway, here’s the issue I’m having:My boys have moved in with us because their deadbeat mother just refuses to take care of them anymore.Girlfriend, was very good with the whole thing. She welcomed them into our home warmly and helps with them when I need her to without me having to ask (I would never ask her to co-parent – that would be very unfair to her).When they first moved in, although she’d never admit it, I could tell she was a little flustered and I did what I could to help her cope and adjust.Lately, my 4y.o. has been going through a really bad phase and Girlfriend is having a really hard time with it. I’m having to put almost all of my energy into controlling him. Initially, she started drinking a glass of red a night while reading in our bedroom to escape the constant crying and tantrums. Now she’s been distancing herself from my children and, because I’m always around my children lately, distancing herself from me. She either works late (she works in her office here at home), or heads out with her friends all night. I understand this is her way of escaping, but I’m worried because I know it’s my kids, and my lack of spending time with her that are causing her this stress. She’s even started taking Ibuprofen plus codeine every evening. She’s stopped smiling (I miss her beautiful smile), and I know she’s been crying in shower late at night.I had a talk with her recently and asked her if she was feeling alright, that if there was anything I could do to make things easier. She felt so awful and guilty - she started apologising and telling me that she’s just been a bit stressed because of work. She reassured me that there wasn’t anything terribly wrong and that maybe we just needed a bit of a vacation. I thought this was a great idea and when I mentioned heading to a beach resort with this kids, her smiled dulled.My girlfriend would never leave me because I know she loves me like I do her. We discussed marriage recently and she was quite excited at the idea.Anyway, has anyone been through this? How do I deal with this? I can’t stand knowing she’s in pain.
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male
reader, emad khan  +, writes (12 June 2011):
 I second the above!!! must have regular alone time with the lady, keep up the romance!
A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (17 March 2011):
 You, the children and your lady are under stress. Despite it all your children are missing their mother.
Your lady wants and needs more one on one time with you.
You both need some sceduled breaks from parenting.
Your lady definitely needs a holiday now, and just with you.
Are there any grandparents who could assist?
The children are picking up the tension and hurting.
Your lady is in serious need of TLC and is starting to not want to be home with you, even though she loves you.
1. Is there a local community of people who you know very very well and trust absolutely? When I was studying and had a young child (4) a group of friends and i
Created a co-operative NannyCircle where no money changed hands. each member could do up to 20 hours free nannying, either in their home or the home of the child. In return they could receive up to 20 hours nanying. You could only go up to 20 hours credit and you could not use the services if you were more than 20 hours in debit. You got to choose who was the Nanny and if the child/children came to your home. We had a charter and rules we made up. It worked a treat.
You can reason with a 4 year old, though maybe not with a 2 yearold. Get a professional child expert to come in and help you to set up systems and boundaries, to ensure family life is calmer. The children need to learn to respect boundaries. It can be done gently with slow small steps. And immediate recognition for positive responses from the children.
Set aside one night a week as date time with your lady. That might even be an evening at home, just you and her, if you have a relative (grandmother? Or do you have a sister who may be prepared to babysit her relatives - your sons - at their homes if you are on good terms and feel they are suitable) willing to have the children overnight on a Friday or Saturday.
If your lady means a great deal to you then action is required. As soon as possible too. It would be tragic if you lost her, because without doubt your lady is suffering. And your children are just children, doing what children do. Right now they too need more order in their lives. This problem is solvable. You can solve it, but you do need to get assistance to help you.
started a baby sitting club.
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