A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:(This may be long.) Hi, I'm sorry this isn't a relationship question, I just really hope that somebody can help me in some way, shape or form. (Also, please don't let the fact that I'm a teenager bring a judgement that I'm some reckless good for nothing kid, I'm really not.)Okay,so about 5-6 years ago, my life was just about perfect. I was still in the beginning of childhood and all, when in most situations, it is one of the easiest parts of your life, and I had never experienced a family member or friend suffering from illness or death (well, I couldn't remember any, or I was too young to understand the concept).However, when I was about 9, I met my dad's girlfriend. She was lovely. After almost a year of knowing her, my dad sat my sister and I down, and said "_____ has cancer. We don't know how long she'll live. I'm so sorry." And being only about 9-10, I didn't completely understand what 'cancer' was. I assumed it was about as bad as the common cold or such.A few months later, we learnt that she would live about a month - at the very longest. So, my dad (wanting to fulfill her every wish) proposed to her, and they got married with the entire family there, and the day went perfectly. Unfortunately, roughly 2 weeks later, my new step mam lost her battle to cancer. I'd say that was the turning point.After that, family members grew old and sick, and one by one, were leaving my grasp and disappearing. Over time, I learnt just how tough life was, like any other person growing up, really.But, things from the past, I took as my own, and blamed myself.The last time I spoke to my step mam, I never said goodbye properly; it was a short "bye!" Oh, if I knew that would be the last time, I wouldn't have let her go, I'd have clung on forever. But I didn't. and that is something I can't forgive myself for. I never said goodbye to her, never told her I loved her; nothing.This has affected me so much. I've tried moving on, but I just, can't. I've had relationships, I've made new friends, I've tried faking a smile, praying it would be real. Only on the rare occasion would my wish be granted. About half a year (maybe a year, who knows)my mother told me about how concerned she was about me, and how I was still getting upset over my step mam. She took me to my local doctor, and I was diagnosed with depression. She recommended a Councillor, and so my mother rung her, and we arranged an appointment. I told her all about me, my step mam, life; everything. She mightn't have took full action, but she really helped. Just knowing she was there meant the world to me.I saw her a few times, until about 2 months ago, when she decided I didn't need her anymore. I was so happy to hear this news, as were my family, by now all aware of my situations.Though lately, my life has been fantastic. I have the perfect boyfriend, the greatest friends and family, that feeling has crept back up on me. I am constantly sad, and the worst part is, it's bringing everybody around me down, too. I'm snapping at everybody around me, which I hate more than anything. People don't know what to say in case I snap at them. I hate it. It's like this other person takes over. When I feel like this, I'm always ill, and I just cry so much. I posted this today, because this is how I feel right now. I've cried three times today, and now I'm sitting here, ill, tired, and in a horrible, horrible mood. I just want the world to swallow me up. I don't want to talk to anybody, I just want to run outside and keep running. I'll stop when I feel better, and I'll come home. I just want to cry nonstop. It feels like one of the only escapes. I would never dream of self harming, though I have considered once or twice, though every time I decide to ignore the sensation. If you're still reading this, thank you so much. You don't understand how much I appreciate this. What my question is: Why do I still feel like this, when my life is perfect? When my Councillor told me I didn't need to see her? When I have a marvelous family, boyfriend and friends? Am I ungrateful? Am I selfish? Please, if you have any help, advice, answers, or even hate, please share your views, or even stories with me. Anything is appreciated.Thank you x
View related questions:
swallow Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much C.Grant and iamheretohelpyou. I appreciate your views and advice so much.
C.Grant, to be honest, I found what you said quite inspirational. You've changed my views about my regret with my step mam, and I feel like if I can begin to view the situation from that perspective, I feel like I can try and finally overcome it:)
As for the Councillor, I think I'm going to talk my mam about it, and ask her what she thinks, then if she agrees that it would be good to see her again, I'll ring her.
Thank you both so much x
A
female
reader, Latti  +, writes (3 May 2012):
You are a very mature young lady and you have expressed yourself extremely well here. You need to start writing! Writing a book....about what? I don't know yet, but just start writing, your feeling, your highs, your lows, your memories. Being active in hobbies is a great way to eliminate to much time been spent dewelling on things.You have to make great effort to fight these mode swings by practicing your responses when those feelings arise. Get in the mirror and practice your response. Facial expressions, tone in your voice....That's what actors do when rehearsing for different roles. I am an actress and even in my everyday life, I have to rehearse my response to things that I would rather not deal with.You said you wanted to just run.....run until you felt better. DO THAT! RUN...when those feelings start creeping up, maybe its time to take up jogging....until you feel better!I encourage you to stay positive. Nothing that happended was your fault. Your feeling are real....be they may right! It was not your fault. Say your goodbyes now. Who said its to late? Have your own momment of prayer and say your goodbyes the way you want to and close that chapter of your life. You have the courage and the strenght to do this and have a wonderful life. You asked for our advice....now use it! I wish you all the best.
...............................
A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (3 May 2012):
 I’m sorry you’re having such a tough time. Growing up and learning about life is never easy, and it sounds like you’ve had more than your share of things to deal with. Fifteen is a difficult age for almost everyone, even without having to deal with loss.
Your counsellor was mistaken that you didn’t need her any more. Get back in touch with her, and if she’s no longer willing to work with you, find someone else. Talk to your mom and make sure she understands that you’re once again feeling depressed so that she can do what it takes to get you the help you need.
As for not saying goodbye ‘properly’ to your step-mother. Hon, you were ten or eleven years old – you cannot reasonably expect yourself to have handled the situation any better. When I was around 18 I was confronted with my first serious loss. I beat myself up for literally years for how I handled it. I could never change the past, of course, but I could learn a lesson from it. So many years later, when my father was dying of cancer, I made very sure that I had no unfinished business with him. It didn’t make losing him any less sad, but it did leave me without regrets. What I’m saying is that we live and learn. You will take that experience forward with you in life, and you will know in the future how to handle such things in a way that leaves you more at peace with yourself. Think of it as a gift your step-mother gave you.
You are a remarkably well-spoken and self-aware young lady who recognizes that things aren’t as they should be. That puts you miles ahead in your quest to feel better. Now reach out to the people in your life who can help.
I wish you the very best.
...............................
|
