A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am not sure if I have been and am being emotionally abused by my father. I am 35 years old, and have never moved out of home (apart from a small period of time at university) because my Dad has said that I would never been able to cope and I am so fearful of being alone. I did come close to moving out a few years ago, but got so scared about trying to cope on my own on a very low salary and having no one around to talk to that I bailed out. Now renting has become so expensive that I couldn't live away from home anyway.My Dad constantly belittles me in front of my friends if I suggest to them that I want to get on in life saying that I'll never be able to cope. My sister was brave enough to move out on her own a couple of years ago, but my Dad said 'Well just look at your sister, she isn't coping at all. We're constantly having to pay her rent and bail her out financially." It turned out it was lies. My Mum did lend her some money while she adapted to life on her own, but my sister has set herself a budget and has never not paid her rent.I have also had to endure the silent treatment from my Dad on and off for the last 30 years whilst living under the same roof. Nothing in particular that I know of will set the silent treatment off. He may simply wake up one morning and decide he's not going to talk to us for 2 years. Some counsellors have seem very disbelieving of me when I tell them this, but it would be pretty easy to just not talk to someone for 2 years. My Dad would simply refuse to respond to anything I said, so to protect myself from the hurt of not being spoken to I would give up saying anything. Meals were eaten in complete silence. Yet, in public he would put on this charade that everything was o.k., talking to people normally.My Dad called me 'weak' today (we then had a huge row about it), even though I consider myself very strong for the amount of rubbish I have had to deal with from other people over the years. He then totally denied he had called me weak! He will deny he said anything if I stand up for myself.The trouble is that I have noticed that I have started using the silent treatment in relationships. To me, you see, having grown up around it for the last 30 years and having such crushingly low self esteem, the silent treatment almost seems normal now.The only reason I didn't think it was emotional abuse is that, at times, we get on really well. My life has, up until this point, been a catalogue of disaster, but I want life to be better now.I have come to realise that it will never matter what I do my Dad will always think I am 'weak' and not good enough.I have had counselling but hasn't really worked and was proving too costly. I don't know anyone else who has been through anything like this.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2010): Hi
You need help to get on your own feet and away from such a sad sorry situation. You have been brainwashed with negative words over your life time and feel fear of the unknown...don't fear the unknown it holds LIFE AND LOVE for you. Yes you are weak but only through years of blindness and not knowing the truth but now you SEE. You have been cocooned and know no other world as such apart from the one BOTH your parents created for you. Should never teach a child fear. Silent treatment is also abuse and please unlearn this bad trait as EXPRESSION is what you need to learn. As a starting point without hard words and arguments while you are getting more aware, try art it is theraputic and helps you express feelings. You need to follow through in a secure plan for leaving and gather a strong support network.
Good luck :) Be afraid of nothing and no one and live the life Mr G gave you.
spunky monkey
A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (18 October 2010):
 I can tell you that you are not alone. Your father sounds a bit like my mother. She is the queen of 'not speaking' to anyone who is outside her grasp. I haven't seen my oldest brother since I was a kid because she drove him away from the family. She refused to come to my wedding and we have had periods of not communicating for a year or two at a time. However, because of my professional background I was aware that she has a personality/ anxiety disorder. Rather than hate your father, see him as a victim of a psychiatric condition that is outside his control. The whole not speaking and putting you down routine is part of these people wrestling with their own sense of inadequacy and need to control everything and everyone around them. When they perceive you are not doing as you are 'expected' then they throw toddler tantrums. The world is a very anxious and scary place for such people. Their approach is divide and conquer...they are critical of each family member for not meeting their expectations and will stir up/ gossip between family members to keep themselves in charge, important and all-powerful. If all the other family members like each other there is an opportunity that they will lose their control and that would never do in their minds. My mother regularly berates me to my brother, and vice-versa. She refuses to see herself as a factor in the eldest brother leaving home for good. If you live in such an environment for a prolonged period it can be toxic and affect how you go forward in building adult relationships yourself. I know that I have struggled sometimes based on my childhood experience of parents not speaking for months on end. I left home at 18 and moved back in at various times in my 20's, but I gave up and left home for good in my late 20's. I think you need to move out ASAP. You will never change your father but if you learn to understand him it will help to put everything in perspective. I appreciate that renting isn't cheap but lodging is not a bad idea until you get on your feet. Lots of home owners are looking for tenants in the credit crunch and the accommodation might be rather better than a dodgy bedsit. Rather than seeing your life as a 'disaster' and you as the victim of a bad parent, re-construct your view and see the opportunities ahead. You are survivor of bad parenting and 2011 should be the year to execute your plan to escape the nest for a better life. I don't think a therapist will help as this reinforces the view that you are the one with the problem (which is probably not true) - independence will bring confidence and new opportunities to meet people and move on with your life.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2010): You can't do this without help, it is far to involved to do alone.It is emotional abuse. No question about it.YWCA is a good suggestion, or YMCA as well.Where is your Mum in all of this?You must leave to work on it. This is because you won't be able to see clearly for a while, even after leaving. Your father has to have a mental illness, but you can't fix that.I've had a friend who didn't figure out till they were nearly 50 years old that they had been emotionally and sexually abused...because it was "normal" behavior at their house and although they suspected it was "abuse", it wasn't till they had been gone from home (completely moved out) for over 15 years that they really began to realized how fucked up things were in their family, and even then had trouble accepting that they weren't "making to much out of it all" despite having a counselor and spouse both saying "this is/was crazy".You must get away from the abuser.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (18 October 2010):
 I should think you want and need to use the silent treatment on your dad very much. He sounds like a very controlling angry man with no real idea how to speak to his daughters on a sensitive level. You dont say whether you work or not but you dont need to rent an entire flat or house if you leave home. You could start off by renting a room and see how you get on. I can understand your fear incase something goes wrong and you feel cut off but it seems your suffering at home at the hands of your father...so what could be worse?
Have you thought about asking your sister if you could split the rent with her...make it easier for both of you? Your father will probably never change and will almost certainly never see the mistakes he has made, that isnt your fault that he has chosen to be like that and it's no reason not to make the leap into a life of your own...I think you just need a little confidence. It's easy for your father to call you weak because that is precisely what he wants you to be...he has the control and if you move out, who is he going to intimidate then?
You could also contact the YWCA as they offer help to people trying to get accomodation. You have proved you can stand up to your father, so why not save some money and formulate a plan to leave home once and for all.
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