A
female
age
36-40,
*reamflower
writes:The problem is my dad. I am 21 years old and my life has almost been destroyed thanks to my father.My parents married young, and from the very beginning of my short life there were problems. I was only a year and a half when he hit my hand so hard it swelled twice its size and caused my daycare provider to call my mother. They soon had a very viscous and tumultuous divorce which centered around custody of myself and my brother. On one particular occasion, my brother and I attmepted to run away from home and my father beat us so severly, my mother photgraphed the 6-inch long bruises on my 5-year old back.Unfortunately, though joint custody was established, my mother was left too penniless to care for herself and my brother and I. We ended up living with my father. As I grew older, I realized he controlled every aspect of my life. I had almost no social life and I had very low self confidense. He sexually abused me behind closed doors, particularly while drunk. He would regularly hit me over the head and verbally abuse me...often in front of the entire family and my friends. I admit I acted out as a teenager, but no more than any other. He would call me horrid names like 'whore', 'stupid', and 'fuck-up'. And when I confessed I wanted to be an artist, he laughed in my face.He did his part financially, and on the outside. He went to all of my games, pushed me to get perfect grades, and made sure I had all my shots and doctor visits, braces, clothes and food...he would even put on a fabulous show of love in front of most other people. Honeslty it frustrated me because it shrouded his true character and the world of hate I lived in.On one particular occasion, I was late doing my chores, and he became so enraged he kicked me in the stomach. Another time, fearing for my well-being, I phoned my mother for help. She instructed me to tell him, "I SAID to never hit her again." He beat me so terribly that night after saying those words, my screams were heard by my brother two floors below.His control was unimaginable. Since I was not able to keep my grades above a C+, I was never allowed to drive until I was 18. I've been in 5 car accidents since then. He kept me away from my friends to the point of alomst complete isolation. I've never really had a best friend or had any relationship outside of my family last longer than a year. It has taken me years to undo the damage to my self-image, and I still struggle to this day. Another occasion, I had a severe infection festering on the side of my arm for days. I begged my father to take me to the doctor, but he refused, saying the wound was my own fault. The next day I showed a school counselor my wound, and she immedaitly called my father and ordered him to take me to my physician. I was admited to the emergency room less than 24 hours later, where I sat in solitary confinment for four days. During my time as a Varsity cheerleader (I was not friends with anyone on the team) I was diagnosed with a bone disorder in my knees. Convinced I was lying, my father DRAGGED me 3 miles around our house to "strengthen my weak knees". If I didn't run at his pace, he would grab my arm and literally drag me. I once confronted him about how I felt...he merely cried, said sorry, and continued to act the same way. I know he must feel some guilt, considering how heavily he now drinks and his sparse attepts to contact me for no apparant reason.I tried talking to counselors, I tried calling the cops. I can't get into therapy because I have no health coverage. He now ignores me most of the time, except to fake friendliness for his own image. When I ask him for help with anything, he blames the problem on me and hangs up. I need to find a way to either recitfy the horror I went through as a child, or find a way to let it go. What should I do?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2008): BECOME THE ARTIST...art heals, please look on HEALING ART WEBSITES. art art art.....find the artist within the TRUE YOU. And i would suggest staying away from your father would be healthy, it is a waste of time you will never get approval or love from your father. You do not have to be around him anymore. Look and search for SELF love he can not give you love and will hurt you over and over. LET GO and start to mould your future a complete fresh start.
HELLO ARTIST.
A
female
reader, dreamflower +, writes (20 October 2008):
dreamflower is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you so much for your kind words and support. These past few years have been very rocky for me since I have left home. I have grown, I am supporting myself, and I have a loving boyfriend. Things are better. I just feel that maybe your advice on counseling is my only chance to really move on and even get the courage to confront my father. My only problem is, it's hard for me to talk about these things, and most importantly, hard to find someone to talk to at all. Without health coverage, my only choice is to turn to religion. The only problem with that is, I'm not christian...or catholic. I once was, a few years ago, but I felt it was not my calling. Come to think of it, I don't think church will be able to put me at ease like a certified doctor would.
How can I get in touch with some one I can talk to face to face about this, on a regular basis, without health coverage? I don't make much money, and honestly we sometimes struggle to eat and continue going to our jobs. Though I am spiritual, I feel my reliefe to this horror is more logistical than that. Any advice on how to find a mentor/counselor/psychiatrist?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2008): Hi Babes,
Your story has touched my heart, it is so sad that you have been hurt by this man, and I can only imagine how destroyed you feel. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us, there are many people who have been in your situation and you are helping them too. You have been given some very good advice from Fade and Jimboy and it really will help. I am not religious, and I don't believe in God, but church will help a lot, or finding some other type of belief system. You need to find a way to let it go, and forgiveness is the key. You need to forgive him and forgive yourself, you have done nothing wrong, but forgive yourself for being a helpless child with no power to fight back. You must learn to forgive him as well. He doesn't sound very well or very happy, he is already being punished by living with himself and his wicked deeds. Stay away from him babes, at the moment all he can do is bring back memories of the pain. If he calls you, tell him "You have hurt me dad, I don't want to talk to you until you realise that and apologize for hurting me".... It's not for ever babes, but it's best you stay away from him until you heal.
Another aunt has suggested running as a way to deal with the pain of childhood abuse. You keep running, and running until the memories and the hurt goes away... It's funny, but eventually after running the memories and the pain doesn't hurt so much, and beside you get fit.
You are still very young, healing from childhood abuse takes a long time, years rather than months. New experiences and new things as you get older will make you wiser, you will also make mistakes, and this will help to put things in to perspective. Don't give up on counselling, it is still good to talk these things over. But as Fade has suggested maybe talking to other survivors of abuse will be better for you. Don't keep things bottled up and don't try to do this healing thing on your own.
One last technique that might help, is a mind thing. Imagine the bad memories as a film on a television. Make the film in black and white, take all the colour out. Stand back and watch the film as it develops. But it's not you babes, you are just watching, the other girl in pain, is just a person in a film.. Just watch the film, this old film about pain that has happened to someone else. When you get to the end, rewind the film backwards as fast as you can. Imaging it rushing backwards, jumbled and confused, nothing makes any sense...... It's the past babes, something to happened to somebody else. You can't change it, you can't help, but it's not you, it a little girl that was at home and suffered at the hands of her dad. Your an adult now, you are away from him. You look different, you are in control, the past can't hurt you any more. Learn to forgive, learn to move on, and learn to accept that the past only hurts us if we let it. Today is today, make your future golden and bright. The best revenge is a life lived well and we all wish you to have that. Concentrate on your future and learn to leave the past where it belongs.... Good luck, blessings, thank you for sharing your story with us.
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A
male
reader, jimboy  +, writes (20 October 2008):
My heart cringes at your story, and i know that i could never possibly understand your pain, but deep down i wish to help you. I admire your courage to want to deal with the issue, i know so many who simply just shield it away from everyone and everything they know and simply try to act like nothing has happened, that is not the way to deal with this.
I suspect from your writing that you're no longer living with your father, and that is ultimately a good thing. I hope that you have many things to occupy urself with so that you don't fall into a hole as a result of your sorrow and hurt.
To me, one of the MOST important things you must do is to forgive him. Forgiveness is an action! You must in your heart forgive him for what he has done to you. I know that it is difficult but i assure you that it is not impossible. Whether you hate your father or not (I'm not certain from your question), i do know that you feel that he has done injustice on you, and hurt you greatly. Nevertheless, to truly let go of the horrors you suffered, you must forgive him. With forgiveness comes forgetting, as your heart warms towards him, i hope that you will be able to let go of your past and see him in a different light. Possibly a person who needs your help as his daughter. I hope that deep down he loves you, as much as every other father loves his daughter, and maybe you can help him.
But having said that, just because you forgive him doesn't mean that he will be nicer to you. Doesn't mean that he has to give anything in return. Don't expect it. But 8/10 times it happens, the more you forgive, the less hurt he will instill on you in the future. When he calls, love him as another person, don't think of him as the father that beat you, but the father that loved you (i'm sure that somewhere you can find a day where you felt his love).
You also need to forgive yourself. Its nothing that you could have controlled. It wsa fact of your life, and you need to accept that. Accept it and move on. Life gets better, but only if you want it to. I also want to say, maybe sometime down the track, maybe you could ask him to forgive you. As any child, i know that there'd be many times when you'd have gone against the wishes of your parents. Ask him to forgive you...
I think God can also help. A church would a good start, and through prayer and confession you will be able to think less about his 'horror' side, and slowly you'll see the good in him. Ask God to change him, for there is nothing our God can not do. I've seen it happen, I've felt it happen. If church is too much, then just pray. Ask God, even if you don't believe Him, just ask, it can't hurt right? For Jesus said "And I say unto you, Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you." (Luke 11:9). And please, talk to people about it, even if its your mother, talk to someone, open up and pour out our hurt.
So to sum it up, forgive him, forgive yourself, accept it, and give it God to keep.
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