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female
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anonymous
writes: I am having a problem. All my life I'm faced with things that hurt me so much. For example my ex made me have an abortion as it wasn't his (we got together before I found out I was pregnant) now I regret it every day and miss my little boy. My best friend is so critical, says I don't spend time with her but she never contacts me to go out. I tried to commit suicide last year. I was abused as a child as well and my last boyfriend physically and emotionally abused me, he used to have sex with me when I didn't want it (is that rape?). My ex also plunged me into debt and it's hard to get out of as it amounts to around 5000. I lost my job too. Now I've found someone new and he's great and I'm so scared he will find out about my past and that he will leave me. The other problem is, I applied to go abroad for a year as a holiday rep as it's my dream job but I really like this guy, he is everything I want and he says he'd be gutted if I went but I need to go away and think about things. I feel like I'm going to explode as I have so many secrets and emotional scarring that I can't talk about it to anyone and I am really starting to trust this man. I haven't been with him long enough to tell if I love him as we are only dating. You see he lives 50 miles away. He said he really likes me and wants to take things further. Why is it I met him after I applied for this working abroad thing and then he comes along when I'm not looking? I want to leave my old life behind (not my friends tho) and start over. I can see both ways that I can move with him or go abroad. Which do I sacrifice? Why has my life been so horrible till now? I am confident and pretty, I know this. My confidence has only built up in the last year or so which is a good thing but I can't get my scars to go away. Do I tell him everything so he knows why I cry at night? Please someone answer. I'm scared and confused as well as my ex is after me. He tries to get in my house and I'm scared he's going to hurt me. He wouldn't let me use contraception as he wanted to get me pregnant so I'd stay with him.
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female
reader, Delila +, writes (31 August 2005):
You are so scared of so many things right now and I can understand why. Do a self esteem evaluation, that is really important for you as I would say even though you descibe yourself as confident your self esteem is probably really low. Find out ways of raising your self esteem, following your dream is one of them. What you think of yourself is so important. Every morning when you wake up and look in the mirror say to your reflection "I Like Myself!"
Delila
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reader, schlottjl  +, writes (17 August 2005):
 First, technically any time you are forced to have sex against your will it is rape. However, there are times when girls have not made any attempt to say no to a boy that she has said yes to numerous times and if she were to pull herself out of her skin, she might see that she froze and there was no way for the boyfriend to know she was not willing. (Still feels like rape but in that case be very careful about accusing someone of a very serious crime if he could not know he committed it.)
Here is the thing. You are super conflicted and making decisions based on trying to fill a horrible void. The problem I see is that you will never fill that void with dream jobs or perfect boyfriends (as they all are in the beginning, particularly abusers).
I am also very afraid for you as you try to heal yourself with activity, since you have to admit that you have until today, had very poor skills in knowing who to associate with and who can be trusted.
For these reasons, before you get in to deep, please, please consider slowing down or better, stopping all the dreaming and determine to heal your past wounds.
This is my rule of thumb: When you are a healthy person, you could have just about any (and I mean ANY) horrific history, and it would not matter. Go to an open AA meeting or talk to rehab- counselors, and you will be amazed and inspired at what a person can survive and work through and then finally come through. When it is done right, a special light emanates from them and they are magnetic.
All people have a history of some sorts. It is the people who have the intense story AND the inner peace from learning from their weaknesses and strengths in the living of the story that are happy and mentally sound.
When you are still sick, you attract sick people to you. All victims attract abusers. It is a fact. They do not deserve to ever be hurt but there is something in them that calls them out. (Abusive people test others to see if they are "cool", "nonjudgmental", not a "bitch", "cold fish", or "nag". The check to see if you are one that is easily influenced. I.e. they call a lot just to see what you are doing. They criticize qualities that others would see as not their business (friends, family, dress) and if you are "laid back", willing to accept instruction that you would not give to another.)
What you deserve unfortunately, is never what you get UNLESS, you know how to get it.
If I were you, I would put every thing on hold and decide that it is time you were pampered, loved and taken care of. Only this time you will take care of yourself. You know you are good at nurturing others. Now it is time for the pro to direct that to the only one you know of that deserves it.
Call an abuse hotline and ask for some help finding either group therapy or a counselor (they do have some who will work with you no matter your ability to pay.)
When you have done this and gone through the process of really healing, you will find the peace you seek. You will also solve the other problems you ask about. You will easily tell others when appropriate of your history. You will know what they need to know and you will have good boundaries to keep you safe in the process.
God bless you and good-luck.
PS any time you are willing to give any dream away for a person you just met, beware. It is a sure sign that you hope others will fulfill you instead of expecting to live in a state of managed fulfillment. I do not judge you, I recognize you. If you choose to pull it together before moving forward, expect a very, very hard tough time. With no real support system and all alone and vulnerable, it is nearly impossible to imagine the pain. However, if you are determined you may have eventually everything your heart desires. And it will be forever.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2005): Communication & honesty go a long way in a relationship. Give yourself permission to be your best, your most honest in this new, wonderful relationship. Tell yourself, everyday you deserve it. Start by respecting your guy enough to come clean and share your past problems with him. His support and love will give you the "strength and perseverence" you need to resolve pat issues (re:your ex BF) that continue to haunt you. You just can't go through it alone, dear. You need support and there are so many good, compassionate, honourable and decent people out there and I just bet, he's one of them.
I advise you to seek professional help to help you resolve what has happened to you. You really need closure from your emotional pain to move forward. Give yourself that opportunity-you owe it to yourself. When you choose pain and agony to trap you-that negative energy can crowd every other feeling out of your heart. Refusing to forgive others and yourself for the horrible past will continue tear up your own life and your relationship. You can't change the past but you can deal with the resulting feelings and hurt by truly forgiving yourself & others. It will take hard work and a total change of attitude. Don't give away your power to the people who hurt you in the past. It's eating away at you and erode your self-worth. Don't allow your past experiences keep you from living your life to the fullest. Communicate your past issues with him in a mature, calm, loving way. Let him know what he means to you and ask for his support.Get proactive and realize this is a BIG step to being responsible for your own happiness and inner peace of mind. When so many bad spirits crowd your life, you cannot imagine there being any way out. You become lonely, isolated, negative, cynical. Be resilient..persevere-be strong enough to confront your problems and don't give up. Resolve these past hurts and go forward-Take care and believing in YOU.
Hugs, Irish
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (17 August 2005):
 If you were confident, you wouldn't be feeling scared and so worried about your boyfriend finding out about your past and leaving you as a result of it. Why should he? We all have pasts and incidents occur that aren't always our fault.
First and foremost, you need to confide in him. You can't have a relationship without trust; that is if you want this relationship to lead somewhere. You can explain to him how difficult your life has been for you. Now, if he decides to leave you on the basis of what you tell him, would you really want to be with someone like that anyway? I mean, would you leave someone you cared about who had a similiar past to yours? I don't think so. You need to let him know why you are so uncertain about things right now.
Next, get the police involved with this ex of yours. He shouldn't be trying to get into your house; this is harassment and you can do something about it. You can be quite instrumental in dealing with these problems; take an active role. Instead of thinking about how bad life has been, work towards changing the future for the better. You have the perfect opportunity now.
I can understand how you feel, some poeple do seem to get such rotten luck and it is so unfair but now you have the chance of a good relationship. Talk to him and do it soon.
Think very carefully about working abroad. You do need to do something for you as opposed to rushing and moving in with this guy. Perhaps you need to be a little more independent than that. Youals do need to be ble to sort yourself out emotionally; perhaps counselling may help. Do remember though, memories have a habit of coming with us no matter where we decide to go.
Think about building your future especially for you and your happiness. You deserve that.
You don't need me to wish you luck because good things are certainly coming your way. Just don't worry too much and look forward to tomorrow.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2005): Hiya Sweetie *Hugs* :o)
I know what you are going through I was abused as a child and I have a horrible past. My last relationship before this was abusive, he used to have sex with me when I didn't want to and he used to beat me. When someone forces themselves upon you to have sex and you say no it is rape!
If this guy is still bothering you then you need to go to the police and report him for harrasment and get an injunction on him so that he can't come anywhere near you.
You need to talk to someone a councilor you can't run from your past. I always though there is no way that im speaking to anyone else about my problems i'll deal with them myself. Then one night I got drunk and started welling on the past and I took a load of tablets and overdosed. i had my stomach pumped. Then afterwards I realised that I needed help. I needed to talk to someone. You need to talk to someone. If you don't it will eat you up and through your life you will suffer from stages of deppression about your past I know because I did and some times still do. You are your own person what happened to you when you were a child/past relationships it is up to you to face the monsters and really open up to someone and deal with your own problems. If you ended your own life tomorrow yes you would be escaping your difficult past but the abusers would be winning. You will find that after dealing with your past that you will have a clear mind and you will feel stronger. You are a surviver from evil horrible abusers and you need to sort your head out.
I think that you should talk to this guy tell him about yourself and if he truely does like/love you he will support you emotionally. Tell him about the job that you have applied for and see how he reacts.
I think that you are young, pretty and you have a great shining future ahead of you. You need some thing to aim for something positive and I think that becoming a holiday rep would boost yourself asteam and it would be something that you would enjoy. Your young and pretty and you should see the world it's a great opportunnity. You have to decided wether to stay with your b/f tell him about your past and explain about your plans for the future and see if he holds out. You only get one shot in life grab it with both hands and don't lets go. GO FOR THE JOB!!!!
Take care of yourself and keep your chin up.
xx
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female
reader, Solie +, writes (17 August 2005):
It sounds like you've had a pretty tough time and the first thing to remember is none of what has happened to you in the past has been your fault. You've just been a victim to some evil people. I think you should definately tell your new boyfriend at least some of what has happened to you (edit out what you don't feel completely happy about discussing) as he has a right to know and if he does care about you he will be supportive. Everyone has difficult times in their lives they have to overcome and need support from friends and loved ones. It's also worth sitting down with him to discuss your plans about working abroad. It sounds like you desperately need to get away from your current situation and re-evaluate what you want and need. Again, if he truly cares about you he will understand and try to make it work, if going with you isn't an option don't panic, long distance relationships can work! As for your ex trying to get into your house I strongly suggest contacting the police immediately. Hopefully a warning from them should see him leave you alone pretty quickly! Best of luck with everything. Just remember, you deserve happiness and security in your life.
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A
female
reader, amiee  +, writes (17 August 2005):
 heya,
firstly i know what you have been through when it comes to abuse and your ex and the person who abused you as a child should not be roaming about free! they will not only stop at you but also do it to other people. i know it must be extreamly devistating to be in your position but the next time your ex nocks at your door call the authorities the quicker he is behind bars the quicker he is out of your life and you can begin to move on. of coarse this means you will need to tell the current person you are dateing. however if he likes you as much as i think he does he will understand and will help you through this.
i personaly think thats its best if he does know about your past why not sit down one night and say right theres something i need to say because if we are going to take things thurther then i need to know you willl be there for me and support me because...... etc
you dont want him waking up one night next to you while you are crying one it will hurt you more and worry you more but 2 it will make him wonder what he has done wrong and could possibly feel you dont like him so either one way or another yes your past needs to be out in the open simply because the sooner it is out the sooner it can go.
also i would consider going to your gp for depression weather you have done this or not i dont know, but it sounds like slowly your past is eating you away. try looking up the symptoms for depression on google or something they are realy easy to find. but if you do have depression seeing your gp can make a diffrence he/she too can help you through this.
you should still be able to have that year abroad. after you eventually tell the man you are dateing about your past explain to him that you think you need to go away to sort your head out and ask him to be hear for you when you get back. slowely but surely things should start to work out.
but i realy recomemd either getting a restraining order on your ex or something because 1 he cirtainly does not have any right to stalk you hurt you or abuse you in any way but he most definatly does not deserve freedom to do what he likes to people when he wants to.
remember you will get through this and you will work things out in the end weather it is with the man you are seeing now or not. i supose this is a test of faith as well.
good luck for the future
amiee x
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