A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My husband left me last year because of a lie I told about my past. I have apologied for this over and over but he will have nothing more to do with me and is filing for divorce. I have tried calling, writing letters and everything but he will not respond unless it is through a solicitor. His solicitor has written to me asking me not to contact him directly anymore. I am at a total loss because I don’t think the lie was that bad. We were married for 12 years before the lie came to light and during our marriage he has told a lot of lies too. He seems only to blame me and I cannot get through to him. What can I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI went to see 2 solicitors and they both told me that they felt it would make no difference if it was nullity or divorce there would still be a financial settlement and as we had lived as man and wife for so long it wouldn't effect the money situation at all. Both were surprised that he should choose to pursue me in this way but they thought he had not taken into consideration the effect this would have on his control over the children - him having no parental responsibility order in place.
I have tried but he still won't speak to me or see reason even though I have written 2 really nice letters explaining why I did what I did and why I hope he won't continue to do this to me. I got a letter from his work with some documents addressed solely to the house number where I live demonstrating his view that I am not his wife and therefore cannot use his name. I can't reason with this man so feel I can only leave him to his own devices and hope may be he will view things differently long term although I very much doubt it.
A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (9 June 2008):
 I think you hit the nail on the head. Remember, in relationships honesty is very important. If you hid that, what else in the marriage are you willing to hide?
If you caused betrayal, are you someone who would betray over and over again without considering how it affects him?
Asside from you, his adultry is not something to be proud of. Love can be wonderful, marriage can be magical, the key is, it's a choice, and the choice is yours on how your environment is created. True love is not a feeling. It's a choice. It's that choice that overcomes financial problems, emotional problems. The choice to be there for better or worse. It's the choice to love someone without no expectation in return. Love isn't a barter system. It's not I'll love you as long as...
Remember to speak in truth, and be truthful with your actions. If there comes a time where you feel you can't tell the truth, then it's time to re-evaluate your actions.
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male
reader, Uncle Sneaker +, writes (9 June 2008):
 I think he would have been absolutely furious. I think that would have been most men's immediate reaction.
From what you say, I don't believe that's the primary problem - and I think that after twelve years of marriage most men would calm down after a day or two at the most and look at ways to put a bad situation right.
There's far more going on here than just the business of you being married to someone else and not telling him. It sounds to me as though he is now using that to try to get whatever he can. It doesn't sound as though he has any love for you, and may not have had any for some considerable time.
My guess would be that the feeling of anger has already subsided. What you are seeing now is a cold, calm, calculated attempt to extract whatever he can from you financially.
Additionally, to compound the problems, he has seen you throughout the twelve years of marriage as the one with the money, the provider, the breadwinner. Although it's wrong to feel this way, some men feel resentment for that. It's a feeling that their "natural" place is being taken by you, and that does often lead to affairs in which he can feel he is "in control" as "a man should be". As I said, it's wrong, but that may well be tied up in the thoughts that are going through his head and part of the reason that he has acted so badly.
As other people have said, you need a good lawyer. This isn't going to go away, and it's not something you can settle pleasantly between you. You are going to have to get tough, and as you clearly can't do it yourself you need a tough lawyer to do it for you.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (9 June 2008):
 When he loved you , it did not matter as your previous marriage was only on paper.
Even if he found out , it would not change anything.
But when he does not love you ,it can become a bone of contention .
A man's perspective can change depending on his moods.
If he wants your pound of flesh (Bend on destroying you),
then it can be a very long time.
But if he is using this as a bargaining chip,
then it may last till he gets what he wants from you.
Both of you will need to sit down and have a four eye
meeting and thrashed out your problems without going through the solicitor.
The longer you prolong it , the more he will have to pay to those solicitors.
That can burned a big hole in his pocket and may even leave him with nothing left after the court case.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI suppose this is off at a bit of a tangent but because I am too close to the situation I cannot think clearly. Could you please tell me what you think his thoughts were when he found out I was already married to someone else as these are the point I want to address if he ever speaks to me again. ie./ if you think he felt deceived, angry, taken for a fool and so on and how long do you think these feelings of hatred will last.
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female
reader, duskyrowe +, writes (7 June 2008):
 Darling...... What did you lie about to make your husband act this way??? It must have been something extremely serious for him to bear a grudge against you. MORE INFO PLEASE.
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (7 June 2008):
Check with a solicitor yourself. Marriage is a contract, just like any other. There are certain provisions of that contract. (by the way, I have seen many divorces where the husband or wife can't keep their pants on with others, they generally don't walk away with much.) With this contract their are ways to consider it to be void. I believe abandonment is one of those ways by which the marriage can be considered not valid.
Also if your husband knew about this for quite a while, he then verifies your marriage as being valid because he continued living with you as a married couple. By doing so would then make his adultry a valid issue for the divorce, even more so than the issue he's bringing up.
If it was an issue, it would have been brought up at the time of finding out.
Get a good solisitor. There are several issues here that need discussed.
Take care.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2008): It sounds to me that a good divorce lawyer is the person you want to talk to now.
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male
reader, oldfool  +, writes (7 June 2008):
 "The current husband knew about this for quite a while until he decided to divorce me/ nullify me and is obviously using this as a get out to cut down on the financial settlement."
This seems to be the heart of the matter.
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A
female
reader, Susan Strict +, writes (7 June 2008):
 First, Waz I apologise for "going off on one".
Second, to the original asker of the question: It's a horrible situation, but I think you have to see that both of you have behaved disgracefully. You couldn't really have believed it was right to marry someone when you were already married and not even to tell them, could you?
But the last point that Waz makes is a good one. After 12 years of marriage, you wouldn't expect the relationship to collapse. There's much more to it, and you need to think about that carefully.
I strongly suggest that you start to document EVERYTHING. Dig out every bit of paperwork, every bit of evidence of his behaviour and yours, and start to write down everything you can remember. Get a good solicitor, and do it NOW. There is every risk that he might be able to successfully pursue a claim against you for compensation for "wasting" 12 years of his life. The legal position is complex and I wouldn't even attempt to guess how a court would rule in your circumstances - but certainly his behaviour during those 12 years will be a factor that would be seriously considered. My guess would be that his solicitor won't go after a bigamy charge whether or not that would work, simply because that's a criminal matter and complicates pursuing you for compensation in the civil courts. He's unlikely to be able to leave you "penniless", but there are all sorts of very complex financial implications to this situation. GET LEGAL ADVICE NOW, and make sure the solicitor is an expert in these sort of matters and TELL HIM EVERYTHING. Anything you hide WILL come out, and it makes you look much worse if you didn't declare it - and give your solicitor a chance to work out mitigation for anything and everything that you might have done wrong or that your "husband" can make it look as though you did wrong.
Then fight, and move on.
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female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (7 June 2008):
He who sets a trap for others will himself fall into it.
I hope he has enough funds to pay to his solicitors.
He will only ruin himself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry posts clashed - there have been no charges of bigamy brought against me or even mentioned by him or his solicitor.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhen I got married in Thailand I was told the marriage was legal in the UK if I registered it in the UK. This I didn't do but since then I have obviously checked with the authorities and they say it is legally binding. My first husband and I stayed together for about 6 months and then he relocated to Canada. I never heard from him again. None of this excuses my behaviour and I should have made an effort to find him and divorce him but I didn't I just swept it under the carpet. The current husband knew about this for quite a while until he decided to divorce me/ nullify me and is obviously using this as a get out to cut down on the financial settlement. If he ever speaks to me by phone he will tell me he will leave me desitute and will pay me back for ever for my deception. I have tried to say his unfaithfulness was not right either and surely this balances out but he will not listen to my point of view. I married my current husband because I was having his baby and wanted a family unit. During our 'marriage' I was an extremely high earner and paid for everything in our lives but he feels this is what he was entitled to because of my deception and is insistant that he will leave me penniless. I have tried to appeal to his concience that pursuing me through the courts and doing this will not make him happy in the long run but he is having none of it and wants the whole world to see me get my just desserts as he phrases it.
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female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (7 June 2008):
The only thing she could do is to wish him 'Goodbye and good riddance!'
When there is no more love in him , why do you want him to remain?
Your lie was just an excuse for a divorce.
You have reached a watershed with him and must part different ways.
I would agree with Waz's opinions.
When you married him , there was no record of your previous marriage in the UK.
It is only your words.
If she wanted to have the divorce in Thailand ,
she does not have to turned up in court,
only her attorney who handle her case.
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A
female
reader, Susan Strict +, writes (6 June 2008):
You're very persistent, Waz. But you are completely wrong. You are completely misinterpreting the rules and the law. In fact, you are misunderstanding what you yourself have quoted from the government web site. You are confusing the rules regarding filing registration for UK citizens in order to enjoy the advantages and protection that UK law gives to those who are married, with the recognition of whether a marriage exists. It's not the same thing at all.
To quote from Dicey & Morris (the legal authority which summarises UK law in these matters and on which courts and solicitors rely):
English Courts will regard a foreign marriage as being formally valid.
“A marriage is formally valid when (and only when) any one of the following conditions as to the form of celebration is complied with:(i) if the marriage is celebrated in accordance with the form required or recognised as sufficient by the law of the country where the marriage was celebrated (known as the lex loci celebrationis rule);(ii)if the marriage is celebrated in accordance with the requirements of the English common llaw in a country where the use of the local form is impossible; (iii)if the marriage is celebrated in accordance with the requirements of the English common law in a country in the belligerent occupation of military forces and one of the parties is a member of those forces or of other military forces associated with them (see Taczanowska (otherwise Roth) v Taczanowski [1957] 2 All ER 563);(iv)if the marriage is celebrated in accordance with the provisions of s 22 Foreign Marriage Act 1892, as amended by s 7 Foreign Marriage Act 1988, between parties of whom at least one is a member of Her Majesty’s Forces serving in any foreign territory or employed in such a territory in such other capacity as may be prescribed by order in council;”(v)if the marriage, being between parties of whom at least one is a UK national, is celebrated outside the Commonwealth in accordance with the provisions of, and the form required by, the Foreign Marriages Acts 1892 – 1947 as amended by the Foreign Marriage (Amendment) Act 1988Although the five rules outlined above cover, to date, the entirety of the situations in which the Court has had to recognise a foreign marriage, the most important approach is the lex loci celebrationis rule ((i) above).2.2The Law of the Place of Celebration “Lex loci celebrationis”This precisely describes the approach of the English Courts, i.e. a foreign marriage will only be formally valid and recognised if it complies with the formalities of the country in which it was celebrated. So, despite a marriage taking place in a foreign jurisdiction being invalid under the formalities required under English law, an English Court will still hold the marriage to be valid if it complies with the rules laid down by the place in which it is celebrated and vice versa. Where two parties were married in a foreign jurisdiction contrary to the rules of that jurisdiction, the marriage will be invalid irrespective of the fact that it complied with the rules of the jurisdiction in which both parties were domiciled: Berthiaume v Dastous [1930] AC 79. Viscount Dunedin expounded the approach of the English Courts when he said that:“If a marriage is good by the laws of the country where it is effected, it is good all the world over, no matter whether the proceeding or ceremony which constituted marriage according to the law of the place would not constitute marriage in the country of the domicile of one or other of the spouses. If the so-called marriage is no marriage in the place where it is celebrated, there is no marriage anywhere, although the ceremonial proceedings if conducted in the place of the parties’ domicile would be considered a good marriage”.
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reader, rcn +, writes (6 June 2008):
Okay, let me ask this, where is this first husband? What was your reason for leaving him? What was your reason for not seeking a divorce?
My daughters mom was still married when we got together. She didn't tell me, but at the time he was unavailable. 2 years on a navy ship in the ocean. We waited, but they went together to sign divorce papers during his 1 week leave.
People talk bigamy. It is, if the country recognizes marriage from the original country. Some do not. The U.S. recognizes marriage from other countries, but from some only as long as the parties recognize their commitment between eachother. Meaning, they don't have to see a U.S. divorce to split.
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female
reader, Susan Strict +, writes (6 June 2008):
That was Uncle Sneaker, not me.
But as it happens, I agree completely. It's absolutely disgraceful behaviour.
And Britain, all constituent parts of it, recognises marriages abroad as legally binding in the UK assuming the laws of the country where the marriage took place were followed. It's bigamy to remarry without divorce or, in a case where there is doubt as to the legality of the marriage, permission from a UK court. If you have been through any form of marriage service, legal or not, you are required by law to declare it when applying to marry in the UK.
Your second paragraph applies to UK citizens who want to marry another British citizen abroad and both currently reside in the UK. Just because someone now lives in the UK or even has become a British citizen doesn't automatically invalidate a previous marriage. That would be ridiculous. Even if both were British, both living in the UK and married abroad without entering it in the UK register, it would still need to be declared and officially passed as invalid before a second marriage to someone else would be legal.
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male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (6 June 2008):
 Bigamy is when you are married to two people at the same time. She was legally married in Thailand and then in England, England DOES recognize foreign marriages, most countries do or you would get some very odd situations. So basically she is a criminal and could go to jail for this. That nothing showed up when she got married ain't that odd. The system rather expects people to remember themselves whether they got married somewhere else in the world. Big Brother ain't all that big and most certainly does not keep track of every marriage in the entire world in a database ready to be queried by any civil servant in the world.
Not 100% up-to-date on bigamy laws but I believe that legally since the second marriage shouldn't have happened there wouldn't be a divorce but an annulment. The marriage would be undone as if it never happened.
Being married before and lying about it is big enough but STILL being married when you marry someone else... well geez. What the hell do you expect?
At least you agree finally that the lie is a bit bigger then you originally made it out to be.
Did you have a traditional marriage? The bid where the question is asked "does anyone know of any reason why these people should not be joined etc etc"? That question is ALSO aimed at the bride you know.
I would almost say you two deserve each other. He broke his marriage vows over and over and you lied during them. A match made in hell.
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reader, Uncle Sneaker +, writes (6 June 2008):
Um, actually, no.
No one could condone this man's behaviour, but neither could anyone condone marrying him when you were still married. And not telling him. Your marriage to him was illegal, invalid and bigamous.
I disagree with Waz. Your lie was disgraceful, even though I would thoroughly concur that his behaviour is not excusable either.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhat I did was got married to a man in Thailand 20 years ago. I never dissolved the marriage or got divorced. I just married this man 12 years ago in the UK. They did checks but nothing came back. My current 'husband' will not forgive me for deceiving him. I said before that it is not too bad what I have done but I know it is. I have tried and tried talking to current husband but he will have none of it and says he will pay me back for my deception. All throug our 'marriage' he has committed constant adultery but says its not in the same league.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2008): It sounds to me like maybe he was already looking for a way out of the relationship and made a big deal out of something "petty" as an excuse to bounce. If you really don't feel the lie was that bad then you need to stand your ground and stop writing him and contacting him. You have to let him go and realise that he left you for a reason that probably hadn't that much to do with this "lie" but he was too much of a coward to tell you. He didn't want to accept any blame, so who better to blame than you...because you took so much blame and were so apologetic about this lie, in his mind, he got out of the relationship guilt-free. And everytime you write him and apologize you are making him feel even more guilt-free.So stop apologizing, toughen up and start realising that he left you because he didn't love you and NOT because of a little lie. The faster you let go, the faster his conscience is going to catch up to him, and he may even contact you at some point and give you an apology and explain his decision to you. So you need to stop apologising cause it wasn't you, it was him. He owes YOU an apology.
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reader, LazyGuy +, writes (6 June 2008):
Story this week in the newspaper, a marriage in france is being nullified (never happened) because the woman lied about being virgin.
It goes to show just how strong lying about something can be taken. Not just did the man go to court over it but the court agreed with him that this was serious enough NOT just to allow a divorce but to make it that the marriage legally never happened.
Is he right? It is his choice. But you knew that he would have a problem with whatever it is and choose to lie about it. That was your choice. Now you got to accept his. End of story. Next time don't lie or do it better.
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reader, Yos +, writes (6 June 2008):
 It really depends on what your lie was. You say two contradictory things: that you don't think it was that bad, but also that if you'd not have lied he'd not have married you. These two don't add up.
Having said that, 12 years of marriage is an awful lot to throw away because of something that happened ages ago. Perhaps with more time, and with couples counseling, you could try to find some reconciliation.
In the mean time, I would suggest not trying to diminish your lie, but rather let him work through whatever emotions he needs to without you being defensive or trying to diffuse the situation. Once he feels that you have acknowledged his feelings here (without qualification), he may become more open to you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2008): If he is un-happy and has lied to you in the past... he is taking this 'lie' as an oppertunity to separate without him having to explain himself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all your comments. Yes the lie was so bad he wouldn't have married me. To be honest I always knew it would come to light and that would be it so as Uncle Sweeney says there isn't much I can do but accept it. I have learnt my lesson though! He had constant affairs and yes he probably grabbed on to the lie as a convenient get out as he was obviously unhappy. I have tried reasoning with him but he will only ever talk about my deceiving him so we never get anywhere.
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female
reader, bubbloo24  +, writes (6 June 2008):
 Yes, I agree with rcn.
I don't think the lie was the reason your husband left. I think there's something else. Unless the lie was particularly bad and affected him really deeply, I should think that there's something he's not telling you.
I think we need to know a little more about the extent of both your lies to offer you fuller and more helpful advice.
Take care x
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male
reader, Uncle Sneaker +, writes (6 June 2008):
If your lie was over something that you knew would be a major problem to him, something serious enough for him not to have married you in the first place, then realistically there's not a lot you can do other than accept what has happened.
But you say you "don't think the lie was that bad". Few people throw away 12 years of marriage because of an untruth that "wasn't that bad", and few people go through twelve years of marriage being totally honest with their partner in every way. If that really is the case then I agree with rcn - there is something else going on.
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (6 June 2008):
Was your lie prior to dating or marriage to this person? What does the word lie say to you when in a marriage? To me it says "to deceive". How was your marriage asside from this incident. You said he lied many times. What were the content of his lies?
I look at it like this. If you have to lie, then there is something that really needs changed in the way you're living. The truth should always be told, even if the consequences are not what you'd want them too be.
From reading this, and his past lies to you, if your lie was from a past prior to marriage, I think there is something else going on. He's using the excuse of the lie, because it's right there, but what may be going on is deeper than his excuse.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2008): He must not have loved you that much and this lie was his way out of the marriage without it effecting his pockets too much.
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