A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been in an LDR for 8 years, and in that 8 years, we have only been physically together for a total time of 3 months on 4 occasions. The rest of the time has been spent talking almost daily on video skype and various chat apps.In recent months, he has hinted that he doesn't see how we can make this work on the long run since he doesn't want to leave his job and my line of work is not easily found where he lives, and so he feels that my life would be happier if I just found someone "better" where I am instead. This week, I tried to bring up the topic of wanting to arrange a visit for next year, but he tells me not to do it because it's just prolonging the inevitable end. And that stops me in my tracks because it hurts whenever he says that, and I'm also angry, because I feel like he's not even willing to give it a try or risk the status quo for a future that could mean us being together in the same place.He was my best friend, before becoming my boyfriend, and the thought of losing him in both ways scare the heck out of me, and I can't imagine my life without him.I've tried to imagine a future where I'm in a r/s with someone else (I have even rejected guys who wanted to start a r/s with me here b/c of him) and he's merely a friend, but it hurts a lot to imagine that he could end up being just "someone that I used to know".I hate feeling this way, and it feels like I'm being an idiot, and the worst part is that I don't know what to do with myself.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (29 August 2017):
 "he tells me not to do it because it's just prolonging the inevitable end. And that stops me in my tracks because it hurts whenever he says that"
I've just realised this part of your post. He's said it more than once which means he's telling you it's over, but wants you to end it. Break up, OP - it's not going anywhere.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (29 August 2017):
 Unluckily , he is right.
How do you presume to make this thing work, if he refuses to leave his country and you refuse to join him there ? You may have excellent reasons for not moving there ( lack of work you could do is a very good reason ). Then again, he may have his own good reasons too for not leaving. This is not a matter of who's right who's wrong, but , more simply, if in 8 years you have not been able to find a compromise or a whatever way to close the distance- what makes you think you will find one in a reasonably near future. So : if it can't be done, it can't be done, and as painful it may feel, no point in prolonging the agony and wasting more time.
That he is being genuine...tbh, that's another story . I think that it's strange it took him 8 years to realize that you don't have a future, and that this instability never bothered him before. If it started bothering him right now, maybe it is not only a coincidence, and it may depend from other causes, like him having lost feelings for you or having met someone local. But it is pointless to dwelve on that- the fact remains, as you remark , that he is not willing to give it a try or to risk the status quo for a future together ( .. but, apparently, you aren't willing either ?...). So, you do not have a common future- and as tough as this is to swallow, he's right- a further visit would not make it any easier to swallow ; au contraire, it would make it worse.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (28 August 2017):
I'm sorry, OP, but you've spent your life waiting for a pen pal to become more. An international LDR shouldn't last longer than 5 years without closing the distance and should have at least two visits a year or one for a month or so.
You have been with a man who isn't interested in more. Please block him and move on. You wouldn't have taken this from a guy who lived locally, so don't give so much slack to an LDR.
This hasn't been a relationship, OP. This is no way to have a successful LDR and I'm sorry you put up with it for so long.
You need to end it and find someone local.
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A
female
reader, TrueLoveWaits2016  +, writes (28 August 2017):
Once anyone starts telling you what will be good for you (dating others), that is the beginning of the end. He doesn't want to continue this relationship. No amounts of visits or calls will make him want to continue. I have never been in such a long relationship, but I know how hard it is to fight for someone who doesn't want you. Although you have been together 8 years, you barely saw each other. Having someone close is a lot easier, I was in a fairly short LDR and he said the same thing to me, he ended up breaking up w/me.
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A
male
reader, Riot2017  +, writes (28 August 2017):
OP,
Sorry to bring this down to you, but this man does not love you, and it's likely dating someone else.
The fact that he stopped you when you wanted to visit him, means that he does not want to see who he is dating,
and also the fact that he says the this relationship is doomed means that he has lost interest in you.
He has also explicitly told you to date someone else, which is the guys way for telling a woman "I don't love you anymore, go find someone else."
IMHO, you should move on and find a man where you live, that actually loves you, and that has more empathy than this guy.
When a man loves a woman, he moves and does everything to be near her. Really. The fact that in 8 years you've been together for 4 months is a BIG RED FLAG. No one is asexual, and if he is not interested in being with you means he has his sexual needs fulfilled with someone else.
Please, for your self respect, move on. You deserve better.
I have been 10 years in a relationship, with very long LDR patches, but never more than 6 months without seeing each other. I wouldn't survive 7 years without any form of human contact. We do love each other, and has been very hard on on both of us, but we are still together and strong.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 August 2017):
 Wow, 8 YEARS?! in an LDR?
That is insane! And (sorry) a waste of time. And LRD only REALLY works when there is an "end" in sight where the two people get to start an ACTUAL life together in the same geographical area. And usually, if that doesn't happen within the first 2-3 years it's pretty much "doomed".
How can either of you have been fulfilled with being (basically) pen pals for that long and just visiting each other 4 times in 8 years?
If after 8 years NEITHER of you have wanted to give up and move, it's not going to happen after 9 years or 10...
I can ONLY imagine that it's painful to lose someone you have had in your life for so long, but I can't understand why you BOTH dragged it out knowing that neither of you was really willing to make the leap to move.
I think he did the right thing in ending it for BOTH your sakes. It should have been done years ago.
My advice? wish him well. Take some time to figure out what you want from a relationship, from a partner and NEXT time - date someone a LOT closer to home. Someone who can give you a hug, make you breakfast in bed, go out to dinner/lunch with, someone who can be there for you in person, go on little weekend trips etc... The things a lot of couples do.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (27 August 2017):
 But you have been in a relationship for 8 YEARS and still nothing has changed. If it was going to change, one of you would have taken the risk by now and done something to enable you to be together. Assuming your boyfriend is of a similar age to you, how long do you expect him to put his life on hold? How long are YOU willing to put your life on hold?
Either one of you could have compromised at any time during that 8 years and moved to be with the other. He could have given up the job he prioritizes over your relationship or you could have taken a risk and tried to get work where he is (if your line of work is not easy to find there, then you could retrain). However, you have both CHOSEN to stay at arm's length.
It does sound like the relationship has run its course (for him, if not you) and that he now wants to draw a line under it and to move on with his life. If the thought of losing him is so painful, you really should have made a move before now. Or was it a classic case of not being that important until you realized you were going to lose it all?
I suspect there is probably nothing you can do now to save the relationship, although there is no harm in offering to move to be with him (if you feel the relationship is worth that and you are willing to take the risk). However, bear in mind that there are TWO of you in this relationship and neither of you has been willing to make a sacrifice for the sake of being together during eight long years. That would indicate to me that neither of you are truly committed to this relationship.
Painful as it will inevitably be to split up, perhaps you both need to move on and meet partners who are closer to home so that you can enjoy proper relationships moving forward.
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