A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm feeling very confused and even more so after asking for the help of my friends as all of them have very conflicting opinions! So I was hoping you could offer some help and advice. I will try not to make this too long whilst not missing out anything vital.Basically I started talking to an American man online through webcam seven long years ago. We got along extremely well, really clicked and had this connection that I just cannot explain. We could easily chat for twelve hours at a time and it never got awkward, we never ran out of things to say. Anyway eventually life happened and we went our separate ways. I always thought back to him when I was reminiscing with friends or feeling particularly sentimental. I always wondered how he was doing and there was a couple of songs that he'd said reminded him of me so every time I heard them I'd think back to him.Anyway this year has been quite a rough one for me and following the sudden death of a loved one I decided I would stop holding back and do things I wanted to do. I reactivated Facebook after almost two years, friends were nagging me to do so and one night I decided to search for him and found him so I added him. Anyway long story cut short we reconnected and it was as if we'd never been apart. Everything felt exactly the same, we still got along extremely well which I found incredible as seven years is a long time and we'd both changed and been through so much. We skyped and couldn't take our eyes off one another, he really lights me up inside like nobody else ever has done. We were both expressing how frustrated we were at the distance etc. Also one night he told me loved me which was a major thing for me, I wasn't able to admit to myself that I loved him before he said it as I was trying to hold back. I didn't want to get in too deep because of the physical distance etc. Anyway I know it was douchey of me to do but one night I was at a really low point and I'd felt for a few days ignored by him and shut out so I deleted him. A couple of days later I re-added and apologised, he said "You're batshit crazy but I love you." and explained he'd been distant because he'd been working so much and was feeling a little low because of it. However when I asked him if we could skype one night he would just ignore that for some reason which I found odd... I really wanted to see his face above all as it had been a while at this point. Anyway after a few days of basically blanking me I just asked him if he would like me to disappear because I felt as if I was making a fool of myself trying with him etc. He said "Think of me as the moon, I'm watching you closely." which I didn't understand at all. I asked him to explain but he ignored and I didn't hear from him again for a few days despite the fact he was clearly online at times. So I just said "You disappoint me." because at this point I was fed up! The next morning he deleted me... I deleted my account and anyway to cut it short a few days later I apologised to him on kik for the way I'd been and I explained myself very heartfelt. I told him how I loved him and it hurt me to feel shut out by him etc. So he blocked me on there! This was a fortnight ago and I've heard nothing since. In fact on Wednesday it will be four weeks since I last heard from him.Now I'm utterly confused because we have this connection that I wish I could explain and it isn't as if it was one-sided, he was also very vocal in it and he was the first one to say I love you. I have one friend who thinks he felt too strongly about me but didn't think it would work out because of the distance but didn't have the heart to tell me. Another friend thinks he feels strongly about me and is worried about us both getting hurt so is taking a break to work things out in his head. Then I have another friend who thinks he's found someone else and hasn't said goodbye to me to keep me as a back up option in case his relationship doesn't work out. The last option doesn't seem very likely, I may we way off the mark but to me if he had someone else he wouldn't really need to cut me off as I'm half way across the world! Also he could have just said that...Anyway so in my head it's either that I became too much for him to handle or something, he was never interested and it was all a lie, he's found someone else or his feelings are too strong and he was concerned it was going to hurt us both in the long run because of the distance. So I was wondering what you all think has happened? Sorry it is long and thanks for reading! Be honest and brutal, I feel I need that :) Ideally of course I'd get answers from him but I can't think of another way to get through to him now!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2013): If someone wants to be with someone, they will move heaven and earth to be with them and they will also take chances so your theory of not wanting to mess his life up is just clutching at straws.
He doesn't want to be with you - you need to absorb that fact and move on. As said, if he wanted you, you'd be with him.
I don't think you are listening to the advice because it is not what you want to hear - you want to hear that he is scared, or so in love that he doesn't know what to do or his is confused. He isn't, he does and he is not.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2013): UPDATED COMMENT: I didn't mean HE is a virus. He can SEND a virus embedded in a message to your webcam - it is sadly a common occurrence these days. I am sad you find it funny - maybe not so funny when your images are all over the internet. Even when a laptop is just open it can capture them.
I am also surprised that you cannot think that the possibility that he doesn't not want to take things any further is that you have behaved like a slightly deranged woman by blocking/unblocking and being generally unpleasant. If you are like this in fantasyland, then what are you going ot be like in reality. He is not prepared to find out and I don't blame him.
You are incredibly naive but I wish you luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your advice everyone but I just want to reiterate that we spoke for a while seven years ago but stopped talking for seven years and it's only this year over the past few months that we have reconnected again! So it's not like we've spoken for seven years and just never met, I'm certain we would have met and life would have turned out differently for us both if that were the case.
I'm certain he isn't a virus lol. The moon comment was rather strange, especially considering he wouldn't explain what it meant and that was the final thing he said to me... I still don't quite understand it. My best friend said it could mean he views himself as my "guardian angel watching out for me".
But yes I do take the point that it could be he realised because of the distance it wouldn't work out... I've also been wondering upon contemplation if it's that he's concerned he would move over here and it might fuck his life up again because he moved states for his ex and that really messed everything up for him... Could be.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (9 September 2013):
 IF you meet someone online if you do not meet in person within a few months, then it's all a fantasy.
SEVEN YEARS of online friendship is akin to a penpal you are close to. You have not met. YOU cannot run your life based on someone you have never met. Yes video chat and constant contact via electroics can make it seem like a REAL relationship but it appears to me that both of you are using it to hide from reality.
IF after 7 years you have not met, it's not worth the effort to worry about what is and is not happening.
I don't think it became too much to handle nor do I think it was a lie. It wasn't a lie for you but you must realize that after 7 years it's NOT GOING ANYWHERE...
LDRS that stay LDRs after 2 years are not going anywhere.
I guess the reality has hit that it's pointless for you two to continue since neither of you have made any attempts to make this reality.
You are not a back up option for a relationship you are not an option for a relationship unless he is moving to be with you or you are moving to be with him...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2013): Just a thought and maybe a warning..the 'moon/watching you' comment was strange. There is a new cyber crime which is people sending viruses to your computer via your webcam which enables the person to watch you when your PC/Laptop or similar is open. The virus also disables the red light that usually is on showing that the webcam is enabled. Google it just to be safe - there was a publicized case recently about an ex-Miss USA on The Mail Online who suffered something similar.
I am sure that it is nothing to worry about but in this day and age, coupled with the fact that you do NOT know this person at all, you should have your equipment checked by a professional. :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2013): Well, first things first, the whole "Moon" reply is kinda creepy. Idk what that means either, but it sounds ominous.Regardless, here is my 2 cents. I don't know your relationship, nor will I ever know it, but I can say this: Online relationships are fragmented and distorted realities of what relationships truly are.You can't truly "love" someone if youve never seen them in person, touched them, etc. It just doesn't work. Perfect example, I just moved to a new state and was talking to a girl online that I met on a dating website before moving up here. We got along great! When i met her after I moved up here, we both realized that we didnt know ANYTHING about each other and it was real awkward in person.Anyway... I think one of 2 things is going on. Either A) He has a GF now and cant e talking to you like this with her around, or B) he is realizing that the online thing isnt, and never will, work.Unless you plan to meet this guy, or strictly stay online FRIENDS, I would end it. I've seen people waste months and years "dating" and "waiting" for someone who they met online, only to find out that it wasnt ever going to work.Then again, I have a friend who met his fiance online.Break it off; its a fantasy. Go out and meet a guy who will treat you the way you want to be treated, and enjoy actually being with that person, and being able to share those emotions with them.Cheers
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (8 September 2013):
 Well, we do understand you are feeling hurt and confused as to what's going on.
I think that while the two of you have had a very close connection/attraction and been good friends for a long time (seven years) if in all that time you never met in "real time" (although Skype and webcam can seem very real, it's not at all the same as getting together in person). Which basically means that unless you were willing to move to the U.S. or, at the very least, to pay an extended visit, and he to do the same kind of traveling to England, there was really no chance of developing a long-lasting committed relationship - if that is what both of you wanted.
It sounds as if he is or was, fond of you but has come to realize it isn't going to go anywhere. You have told him how you feel, and apologized. Unfortunately, this has only strengthened his conviction that the situation is a no-go, and has run its course.
For what its worth, he need not necessarily have met someone else, either.
There is no more you can do now. It won't achieve anything to call, text or email or contact him on Facebook - if anything, it will only annoy him.
The ONLY possibility is if you were to move to be where he lives, or for him to move to your location - and that is an extremely remote prospect - think of the chance of survival a snowball has in hell - for instance!
Chin up, move on to new and better things once you've grieved this loss for a little while!
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