A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear all,I will start with a small introduction; I am 28 and had only one single romantic relationship in life. After the breakup, I started a hellish dry spell that still lasts to this day (more or less 3 years now). After doing a lot to improve myself, I started attending a lot of parties and group activities and I eventually met lots of new gals.I have gone on dates with some of them, had friendly lunches/drinks with some others, but my problem is that I have never felt a spark and cannot get motivated/excited enough to keep things going. This situation has been going on for the last 1.5 year. Frankly speaking, I have never managed to get the same level of excitement with all the new girls I have met as when I first met my ex. It’s as if something inside me died after my break-up. Many of the new girls I have met are cute and interesting, but I only slightly feel attracted to them. I cannot really call this love. I am definitely over my ex but I cannot understand why I can’t feel excited for any of these girls. Is it that I am overcautious because of my bad experience with my ex? It might be some unconscious reaction to protect myself from any future disappointments, I don’t know… Or simply I have grown accustomed to being single…A close female friend of mine also told me that I should be less picky. While I do not consider myself to be extremely picky (most of the girls I see in the street are up to my taste), it is true that I always find excuses or faults in order to not further go after a girl.My friend told me that my problem is that I am scared. I reflected on that and I think she might be right. I am afraid of failure (not just rejection, as I have already been through plenty of them and still survived). I am afraid of opening myself to others and making myself vulnerable. I have been bullied A LOT in my life and have developed little trust in humans, so this may explain my behaviour. I am also afraid that the relationship will not work out. I always find a reason to which things will never work out between us (ie: too young, too old, too adventurous, extraverted, religious, whatever) because we are not compatible.I might be over-cautious but I have seen too many failed relationships around me (including that of my parents). People ignore the incompatibilities and/or red flags and hook up nevertheless. I do not want to repeat that. I want a partner that is more or less the same as me and that we can get along as best as possible. I want solid foundations for my next relationship.It could be that I have avoidance issues, but I still desire to find a girlfriend deep within. I realise that I need to deal with them in order to move on, but I still cannot figure them out. I wonder if I will ever love again…Any advice, please?PS: And yes, I am 100% straight (I have been asked before whether I am a gay in the closet, but this is not the case).
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (10 September 2013):
 "Many of the new girls I have met are cute and interesting, but I only slightly feel attracted to them. I cannot really call this love"
As you should know, love takes time to grow. It'd not the from day one. Not even in Disney-movies.
" It might be some unconscious reaction to protect myself from any future disappointments"
Probably. Your friends are probably right. They know you, you know.
"I always find a reason to which things will never work out between us (ie: too young, too old, too adventurous, extraverted, religious, whatever) because we are not compatible."
None of those "too muces" mean you are not compatible. You're probably right in that you make up excuses or reasons. No one can be "too young, too old" or too this or that. Someone who's all "too much" of everything could very well be the one person you like the most. So it just comes down to whether you like the person or not, and since you don't give yourself a chance to like them/get to know them you create these reasons to end things in a way you can justify to yourself and to others. It sounds better than saying "I didn't like her" or even worse "I was scared of her".
The ones you fear the most, the ones with "too much" is probably the one who you will grow to love the fastest. Which is why you remove yourself from them in a hurry.
Yes, you will love again. You probably already do love, but you're not letting it out. To love another person doesn't really come from meeting the right person, as much as it comes from being in a place in your life/mind where you are ready to GIVE love. Love is inside you, you need to let it out and see what happens.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2013): OP, you are really insightful! I think you will be making a lot of changes, you sound like you are aware of your issues and ready to address them.
This happened to me before, I also had some major trust issues, and broke up with a boyfriend I was in love with and found it extremely hard to find myself interested in other men. Even if they were attractive, I wouldn't feel the chemistry there.
The think I found most helpful is accepting that a lot of it was me. Knowing this, I made a great effort to keep trying to go on dates, there were a lots of times there was no connection. Eventually, however, if you are open and keep putting yourself out there (and this could take a very long while) I met someone and fell in love.
It takes time but you sound very self-aware. I think the fact that physical attraction is there for you and other women is important, because of your past, you have to understand that it takes more time for the emotional connection based on trust to develop. It cannot happen overnight, you have to give it time and be patient.
Just keep putting yourself out there, if you find the physical attraction there and you like them (even if it's just as a good-or great-friend) as a person, then by allowing for trust to develop you might find yourself wanting more from that person. You just need more time for trust to build, which is very understandable.
It is that exact quality that make you what most women want. Women don't want to be with a man who likes every pretty face they meet, it a threat to the relationship. You'll find that this negative, at the end of the day, will actually translate to a huge positive if you open up enough to find someone and work through you trust issue.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2013): The search for perfection and the female-version of you, is going to be an endless process.
Every adult who has ever been in a relationship has experienced at least one that didn't work out.
Excluding married grade-school/high-school sweethearts, who have little to compare their long-term relationships too; because they've only known one. Should it end, that will be their first.
You are too busy judging to really enjoy the women you're with. Searching for faults. Avoiding commitment.
You'll always find faults. Your friend was right about you being too picky.
You want someone more like yourself?
Well, if you're a little conceited; you'd over-look your own faults and dismiss the opinions of others. As you have in your post. You don't seem to give their opinions any credence. Even worse, you give it no consideration.
I tire of the lame excuse of "trust issues." People are unpredictable creatures. So is life in general. You never know how you'll react in a situation until you have to face it. You can spend a lifetime preparing, and totally fail when the situation presents itself.
So what do you do?
Climb down off your high-horse, Mister.
I believe you place women under the microscope, and they are discarded at the first sign of a flaw. You have to take risks. You have to give them a chance. Even if you don't feel a spark, you enjoy the company of each woman on her own merit, and what she has to offer.
You don't have to fall in love instantly. You have to give both parties involved enough time. Your mind is closed, before you even get to know the women you've met. It's full of junk. Like foolish women searching for "Mr. Right" or some "Knight in shining armor."
You set criteria too high to be met; and fall disappointed in people, for being human.
We all naturally have set criteria. Yet you don't trust your own judgment. You foretell the future of events, before they even happen. You neurotically create fears founded on absolutely nothing.
It's okay to enjoy being single. You don't have to make excuses for that. You don't understand yourself? Yes you do. You're making excuses for your "FLAWS."
You fear rejection from women. If they get too close; they'll see your faults. So you don't allow yourself to feel or attach. You presume, they won't like what they find; so you've wasted your time allowing them in.
You are feeling that same fear that most of us feel, before we meet the right person. Only you think you've improved yourself. You still have work to do. Your hypersensitivity to rejection is crippling your game.
My friend, you've spent too much time in introspection, and came up with the wrong conclusions about yourself. Your seclusion is getting to you.
You've lost your ability to interact with women, and makeup really deep intellectualized excuses for it. You're cynical and disillusioned. Period.
Like I said, down off that high-horse. Comeback to the human race and see us as we are. Just like you.
I can be pretty repetitive when it comes to what I feel to be advice that has proven itself.
Dating is a way to get to know people. All kinds of people.
You have to have an open mind, and set your prejudices aside. You have to expand beyond a fixed "type," and meet a variety of women.
Sometimes "the type" meet your criteria; but sometimes you have to "re-set" your criteria. It may be the wrong type of woman for you. Be flexible, but not foolish.
Give yourself credit for one thing, you are vigilant, and
won't let just any woman come along and steal your heart.
You don't fall in love with the first pretty face that comes your way. That's to your advantage.
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A
female
reader, auntieJ  +, writes (8 September 2013):
 I think it's a culmination of a few thing with yourself.
1) Your bad experience with you ex.
You are perhaps putting up walls & don't even know your doing it in order so not to get hurt again.
Just remember that not everyone is your ex & if you don't let go of your past hurt you wont find happiness with someone new.
2) Perhaps you are trying to hard to look for "love" & dismissing someone you don't have a connection with straight away. Not everything it WOAW smack you in the face awesome right away,sometimes you need to let things grow.
3) Maybe you are being slightly picky.
Start thinking "Too fat,too thin,too tall,too short,too old,too young" all the time & you could be letting ms prefect slip though your fingers.
Get to know someone well before making assumptions.
I know we all have our ideas of our perfect partner but your perfect partner might not come in the packaging you expect them to :)
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (8 September 2013):
Dear OP,
Since I've also been on a dry spell (maybe due to different reasons than you, but okay), I think I can give you one thought..
.. maybe nothing is wrong with you at all. maybe you're just smart and you can see that you and those girls you were dating so far indeed aren't compatible. Other people may criticize you because you're "picky", but whoever said that love is something that involves settling for something you don't really fancy in the first place?
Look, everybody has some issues to trust others and that's okay. It takes time to build trust. But I guess that if you find the right girl, it will be easier for you, because your stomach will be full of butterflies and will tell you that you're ready.
So, my advice is, stop listening to what other people say, stop overanalyzing the fact that you're still single. It's okay to be single. It's okay not to fall in love with every attractive girl who's a little nice to you. And if you meet an interesting girl, take it slow. If you force yourself to express feelings and act serious too early, you'll find that it won't work. Take your time to get to know the girl and build some trust, don't push anything. Even if it's against some common "dating rules".
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