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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I was with my ex for 4 years, the last 2 years was LD. He was my first. He cheated me twice the first two years and I caught him kissing someone else while he studied abroad. I forgave him and gave him chances even though he hurt me so much. We were on and off so many times when we're apart. I initiated the breakup because it's too difficult to be apart. He would convince me and I would go back to him. However, he dumped me one month before we could planned to see each other. He thought I was too insecure, controlling and clingy. I was heartbroken. We then had no contact and it's just so harsh for me to move on.He called last month, which is 3 months after the breakup. He told me how much he missed me and loved me. He spent 3 months clearing his mind and he realized that he needed me and I'm still the one he wants to marry as the commitment he always gave me before we broke up. I know I can't give him one more chance to hurt me so I told him I'm over him and wish him the best and want him to move on. He's called for a week and written me emails. I blocked his phone number and every way he can contact me then he gave up.I thought I'm over him, but I'm actually not. I've been thinking about him about the good times and crying a lot recently like I did the first month we broke up. I need to move on, I know it and I'm trying. I know some people suggest going out and meeting new friends but people who I hang out with have been starting their own family or wanting to settle down these two years and some even are going to have their 2nd baby. They don't go out or party as often as we used to. Sometimes I kind of like being single, but sometimes I really need to be loved, to be cared for and have someone to give me support when I feel down. I don't want to be single all my life. I wonder if it's possible to find love again.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (9 September 2013):
 You did the right thing ending the faux relationship. LDRS are hard and not all of us are cut out for them.
I could not do an LDR... neither could my hubby... so after a year he gave up his apartment and moved to be with me.
That's the primary goal of LDRs to not be LDRs...
now on to your question.. YES you will find someone and YOU WILL NOT BE ALONE... it's early yet... let yourself totally heal from the break up.. be open and available to meeting folks... you would be amazed where you can meet folks...
join some groups or some clubs for activities you like.
I met my husband playing board games.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2013): I didn't tie the knot until I was almost 40. You have plenty of time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2013): After a breakup, it's common to feel you're unworthy of love or will never find love again. You broke up and went back and forth with your ex. Proving the advice I frequently offer regarding returning to an ex. You usually break up again, and it's worse.
I've written articles about breakups as I've made my own journey after one of my own. I was the one dumped. Read the articles when you have the time.
Love is elusive. You can't go out on a mission, and instantly find it. It's fate. A series of circumstances that result in two people meeting each-other out of chance. There is a chemistry that sparks and things go on from there. When you are constantly on a mission for this, it seems it will never happen. Guys will see desperation in your eyes, and run for their lives. They should.
Sitting around and viewing the relationships of others, will naturally make you miss what you had. That is normal.
It is a part of your grief and associated-emotions after your breakup. You recall the good-time. Forget the bad, until he pisses you off.
It all looks better to you now, than when you were actually going through the hell that lead to the breakup. The mind naturally will focus on the good-times. That's what it needs to release endorphins that make you feel good. Once you breakup, those endorphins stop; because your supply has been shut off. Your mind starves for it. You're in withdrawal. That explains that excruciating desire for them. You miss them; even though they were a royal pain in the ass.
The feelings come and go. You and everyone in the same situation go through these emotions.
People close to you, knowing you're going through the pain of your breakup, can be indirectly cruel. Glad it's you, and not themselves.
They make a big show of how happy they are. Secretly, they become even more clingy and insecure about what they have.
They know the reality is; things aren't always as happy as they appear. You did the same. We all do.
My dear, they're just happy they're not in your shoes, for the moment. That's human nature. Dismiss it. They've got their woes too. You'd have to be a fly on the wall.
You are single at this time, so you have no choice but to make the best of it. You weren't always happy in the relationship. Excuse me, it had to be ended. Remember?
He may have been this and that; but you have flaws and weaknesses too. He could tell us stories about you as well. There are two view-points in a breakup. You didn't have to give him chances when he hurt you. That was strictly voluntary. Neediness over-ruled better judgment.
Marriages rarely survive distance and separation; so relationships of lesser commitment are doomed from the start. Repeated breakups and reconciliations are a sign of incompatibility. There is usually insecurity and neediness at the core of it all.
You're the culprit in this case. Fearing loneliness.
You don't know when love will come your way. Maybe fate is telling you, you have too much to learn before you're given another chance. Someone is waiting for you out there; but you haven't dealt with your neediness. You have no identify and can only feel sentience and worth when you're part of a couple. He makes up for your weaknesses and gives you a crutch to lean on. Guys don't go for that. Sorry!
Helpless and vulnerable females are lovely in poems, movies, and fairy-tales; not reality. They smother and cling, and drive men crazy.
Men who are clingy, are creepy and give women the shivers.
It's like being caught in a spider web. The more you fight to free yourself, the more you're tangled. Then there's the
"eeew" and "ick-factor" of men who stalk you around.
Single-life means you're at the dock and under repair. It is also the time you reclaim your identity, rebuild your self-esteem, build confidence, and appreciate freedom. You shouldn't give up freedom in a relationship. You compromise and adapt to the needs of others. You don't own people in relationships; so they don't have to meet your demands.
Redevelop a better attitude toward your freedom and being alone, and Nature (aka Fate) will accelerate those events that lead up to you meeting the right guy. Blessings come to those most deserving.
He will not be perfect, he will be good. He will not be assigned the chore of making you happy. Making "yourself" happy, is a "personal" responsibility. You took on that assignment when you became an adult.
He should not be the center of your universe, and you should not be his. Do not place people up on a pedestal.
Keep them at eye-level, and everyone should keep their feet planted firmly on the ground. Keep your head out of the clouds. You can't see red-flags down here, from up there.
Don't forgive men for cheating. It weakens your ability to trust; and you carry over that baggage to the next relationship. He doesn't deserve your crap, nor is he responsible for your bad taste in men prior to meeting him.
"I have trust issues" is a lame excuse. Then stay out of relationships. They require trust.
He doesn't have to reassure you if you have issues with your body-image. If you don't like your body, do something about it before you are in a new relationship. Men like strong women, we are not intimidated by them. Men don't like "controlling" women. Strong and controlling are not synonymous.
He has no responsibility to financially support you, you have no financial responsibility to support him. You share and take care of each other.
Stop looking for love in every guy's face. Just enjoy male companionship for what it is worth. Go out dancing, have some fun. Have deep conversations and exchange ideas with men. Learn from men, and pitch your ideas when you can offer men advice. They need it from ladies like you; who have had it with tools, or tools in-training.
Make fun of being single. It is fun being single. Take yourself on a test-drive and check out the guys. If you feel yourself falling for him too quickly; and he isn't feeling the same in return. Go back to being single. You aren't quite ready.
Stop comparing your life to that of other people. Life is a series of events and circumstances related to our own individual experience and development.
Perhaps those folks you mentioned are ready for what they have, and you are not. Perhaps they are heading for trouble and don't know it yet. Keep your eyes focused, and concern yourself with your own life's-journey. Wish them well, and control your envy. You know only what you see and perceive.
We all have secrets.
You are not a fortune-teller. You can only see as far as the horizon. That doesn't mean there is no one else on the other-side, looking back at you. It's just too far in the distance to see right now. So let love find you when it's darned ready. Enjoy life as it is intended for you at this moment in time.
Feel blessed.
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