A
female
age
30-35,
*abalou
writes:What do I do about my constantly distracted long distance boyfriend? I've mentioned to him before how I hate that often when we're Skyping or on the phone, he'll get distracted for significant amounts of time browsing the internet, chatting with people online, texting, etc. It put a lot of strain on our relationship, especially when some things happened that put a bit of a limit on how often we got to talk on the phone or Skype and for how long. He often forgets the majority of what I say and I have to repeat myself several times. It's happened a lot in the past year and he often says he's working on it and he'll get better but it happens almost every other week and it's becoming extremely frustrating. He'll pretend to listen to what I'm saying but keep his attention on other things and instead of actually responding to the things I say, he'll just chuckle or call me cute just to add as little as possible to the conversation. Eventually, after this first started to become an issue, I couldn't help but become distant after each offense. I wouldn't really want to talk since I knew he wasn't listening, so I'd just stay quiet and stop talking. Since I was obviously carrying on a conversation with myself, I guess this would make him realize that he hadn't been saying anything and he would try to grasp at what he could to try to fix it without actually acknowledging that he had done something wrong, usually by asking me things about what little of the conversation he did tune into (and usually things I had already talked about/explained). By then, of course, I'm already upset and not exactly in the mood to talk. However, he's said to me that doing this doesn't give him a chance to fix the problem and that I should tell him when he's becoming distracted. I agreed to do so but felt annoyed by the idea of having to correct his behavior, specially since it's what I do when I'm working with my kindergartners, but I agreed to do it anyway. However, doing this has failed since he doesn't seem to be listening at all when he's distracted. I tried telling him twice, but he just chuckled at what I said, since he wasn't listening. Of course, this made me angry, not just sad. I don't know what to do at this point. I feel like no matter how many times we go over this, he just can't help but distract himself when he talks to me, and I'm tired of having to complain about it.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (15 February 2015):
 I agree with Auntie Bim Bim...
Next time he stops participating in your conversation simply pull the plug and walk away.
THAT simple. IF he is SO distracted there IS no point in trying to have a conversation.
OR schedule "skype-dates" and these dates will last (let's say) 30-45 minutes with NO interruptions - 2 times a week or whatever.
A
female
reader, babalou +, writes (15 February 2015):
babalou is verified as being by the original poster of the question We're long distance because of college. I'm finishing up and he started late so he has a while to go. We met online though and we're going on our 3rd year. There's no surefire plan for the future since he probably won't be living off campus for at least another two years, and I'm not interested in moving to the state he lives in because of what my career will be (and because we've been having so many issues recently). He has some ideas but it's all talk.
We talked about his distractions again last night because it happened again and he said that he will fix it, again, but at this point, I don't feel anything when he apologizes and tells me he loves me, trying to reassure me that he enjoys talking to me and he's invested in our conversations. It really hurts our relationship because I feel as though I'm being lied to when he tries to pretend that he's not distracted. Even now when we Skype, I can't help but notice things like when he's starting to contribute less to conversations or whenever I can hear clicking that sounds like him texting. I asked today if he was texting when I noticed these things and he said he wasn't, but I feel like since he just got caught preoccupying himself in our conversation (less than 24 hours ago and a couple of hours before Valentines day), that he would be a lot less likely to tell the truth about being distracted because he doesn't want to upset me. But then again, maybe he is, but I still can't shake the feeling and there is some mistrust, especially since some things don't add up when he tries to explain himself after I point out his distraction. (For example, the last time he got distracted, he said he noticed it after a while since I became distant and tried to suggest we do something together like a movie to "fix it", but when I pointed out that the issue wasn't being able to "fix it" a bit later in the conversation, he said it was simply a bad choice of words on his part and it wasn't that he was trying to make up for being distracted, even though the majority of his "defense" was based on him trying to "fix it". There's also the fact that he obviously has tried pulling the wool over my eyes while distracted several times in the past by pretending to be participating in our calls) I feel like I'm going insane.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (14 February 2015):
 Why are you long distance?
How long are you going to be long distance?
How often do you meet in real life?
How long do you expect the relationship to remain long distance?
How concrete are your plans for the future?
It seems to me he is not as invested in the relationship as you are, especially if the time available for the two of you to chat is limited.
Next time he stops participating in your conversation simply pull the plug and walk away.
Let him be the one to initiate the next call, and if he stops participating in subsequent conversations, pull the plug again.
When he is ready to talk adult to adult you may need to discuss how often you contact each other and for how long. If you are skyping every day he may not have a lot to say, or news to relate.
If you and he are not actively working towards being together very quickly the LDR may be simply a waste of time and you should perhaps consider a relationship with somebody who is not so far away.
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A
female
reader, babalou +, writes (14 February 2015):
babalou is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks a lot for your response, like I see it.
He lives a seven hour drive away and we see each other 2 or 3 times a year since we're usually busy, but yes, calling is primarily how we manage our relationship.
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (14 February 2015):
 How far apart are the two of you? Do you see him more than a few times a year?
I ask because if ALL you have in the relationship is contact via phone and Skype and he still does not take your calls seriously or put in any effort of his own, YOU are not getting anything out of the relationship. And for me at least, that would be a huge indicator that it is time to reevaluate being in the relationship in the first place.
For what it's worth he's not "distracted;" that word lets him off the hook far too easily. No external force is imposing these other pursuits upon him. No, he's CHOOSING to seek out these alternate focus points while you talk to him because for whatever reason, JUST having a conversation with you isn't enough to hold his interest. That's on him, not you, because he could choose to *participate* in the conversation (as opposed to just half-listening) but he doesn't do that.
Ask yourself honestly if you want to suffer through the stresses of a long-distance relationship for someone who apparently values your time and effort so little. Maybe he's an awesome person in other ways you haven't mentioned, but being ignored by your partner on a regular basis is a pretty big thing to look past and make no mistake, YOU DO deserve better than that.
I hope this helps. Good luck and best wishes!
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