A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 11 years.Marriage is ok, has ups and downs.Every Valentines Day my husband will buy beautiful red roses tall stemmed with baby breath.They are always given in a loving way, usually with a hug and kiss.This year he gave me them early ( today) no problem in that as it is bitter cold here and he didn't want to be going out tomorrow as temps are expected to go to minus 20 - 25 plus.He went out this morning to do groceries, came back and then handed me some pink roses still with the price on, no hug, no kiss, but said something like " I have these for you"I know I should be thankful for any gift, but I was immediately very disappointed, i could see and tell they were cheap, no baby breath.I then showed him pictures on the internet about roses and the meaning with colours, explaining that red roses mean love.He told me that i should be grateful as tomorrow there may not be any and that i should stop complaining.But after 11 years of marriage and seeing these beautiful red roses with baby breath lovingly wrapped and always with a little card, to get these pink ones with the price on, i just feel he doesn't love me.Also every single Xmas we always buy each other a Xmas card, i know many couples don't and that's fine, everyone to their own.But we do .... And always we write about the year gone by and our love for each other.The Xmas just gone i gave him his and he said sorry he didn't get me one.This is really unusual and not typical.Put yourself in my shoes and imagine if you were married 11 years and your spouse was doing the same thing every year and then after 10 years , first the Xmas is different and then the V day gift.Ok i get it you shouldn't put emphasis on gift and love comes from the heart not the purse but even his actions were different, the way he handed me the flowers.I have told him i don't think he loves me anymore and he just told me to stop complaining and that i should be grateful.Am i overreacting here ?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2015):
"WiseOwlE" is a very appropriate nickname.
Reread his post twice!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2015):
Here's a tale for you.
I used to buy my wife roses and jewelry. I only sought out the best I could afford. She loved it.
Over time she started to complain. She wanted an emerald but I bought her a tanzanite. The flowers gave her allergies. Her own gifts to me were never particularly on par but they got worse. I would buy her a bracelet, a nightgown, and a dozen roses and I got a card and a coffee cup.
Eventually, I started scaling back because for one I felt it was wasteful and for two I wanted to catch her attention. I think your husband is trying to catch your attention by saying in so many words that if you want certain things out of life you need to reciprocate - or at least make him feel good about the relationship. I felt like my wife was taking and taking and taking so I stopped giving as much.
Maybe you will find a new equilibrium in your marriage. That's what I am hoping for because the old one is past. That's what your husband is trying to communicate.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2015): The abusive and manipulative fool I used to be in a long-distance relationsh*t with used to email happy valentines. Not even a CARD from another country in Europe! Me, of course, cards, gifts etc. until I wised up big time. Your husband bought you flowers, he did remember and maybe he couldn't get red roses where you live and they are ridiculously overpriced. I would be happy if someone gave me a card and did something nice for me, like cooked a meal, or just spent the day with me. I would be annoyed at someone spending a lot on flowers and would prefer they got them once they were discounted. Call me crazy.. I think perhaps you need to spend more quality time together, walks, cooking, a trip somewhere? Do you need to reconnect in some way?
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (14 February 2015):
 Please do not take my post the wrong way and think I am scolding you....with that being said...roses are roses...flowers are flowers. He REMEMBERED you! Many women/ladies will get nothing on Valentine's Day because their man forgot, or just didn't think of it or even worse..didn't care! So count your blessings. I happen to love pink and would prefer pink over red and all of the men I have dated have known that. My ex husband was a lovely man at one time and he used to get me LAVENDER roses on Valentine's Day...and I know he went through hell to get them for me. Not every year but occasionally. Some years I got red, some pink..he remembered.
Your husband may be going through a rough time, is he ok mentally? physically? Is something going on with his job? Family? Many men keep things inside and don't tell their wives until its almost boiling over. Its possible maybe something is going on...
I urge you..give him the benefit of the doubt. Talk to him..ask him if he's ok. He may just be exhausted and he just couldn't find what he normally gets for you. Don't assume the worst ok?
He could have been a real jerk like my sister's ex husband...he would buy her flowers and a box of candy the day AFTER Valentine's Day...because it was 1/2 off!! Notice I said EX husband..Yeah...now that's a jerk.
Happy Valentine's Day sweetie! I hope things turn out ok.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 February 2015):
 Awww WiseOwlE I love that story! You just made me all teary.
To OP.
I have been married for 17 year to maybe the most UNROMANTIC man on Earth - seriously. He thinks a steam-cleaner is a great gift, because? well, we needed one! Yea, not a romantic bone in his body.
I get Mother's day gifts/card/cake/flower - ditto for Christmas and IF he remembers my birthday and IF he remembers our anniversary (yep, he sucks at that too) - but Valentine's? Nope. WE have Valentine's Day reserved for gag-gifts only. Though... I GOT my behind out in this horrible weather and shoveled the driveway so when he comes home from work - he doesn't have to. OK, NOT romantic either, but it's done with love.
I (maybe it's coming from Europe) don't get the hullabaloo about V-day. You pay 10 times as much for flowers so you can show "love" according to American society standards.
No personally, I want flowers that MEANS something. For special occasion or hey, I saw these and thought of you. (though that really rarely happens as hubby is JUST not romantic lol) I don't really LIKE roses or carnations. Commercial roses doesn't really smell, they look fake, but I tell you..... I'd be happy with a rose or 12 no matter what color.
My guess he KNEW you had certain notions and expectation of what he should get you. And when he couldn't FIND the kind he KNOWS you wanted he didn't make it a "grand" gesture (by adding kisses and hugs) - to me it seemed like he had just performed a chore, not done something romantic. And you treated it as that too.
YOU have a man who braved that nasty weather (we have it here too - 10F with -20 wind-chills and 30mph gusts) he got you PINK instead of red.
I had to look up what pink flowers mean, because to me, the COLOR don't matter - the GESTURE however does.
But here you go:
PINK ROSES
Pink carries with it the connotation of grace and elegance, as well as sweetness and poetic romance. Dark pink roses are symbolic of gratitude and appreciation, and are a traditional way to say thanks. Light pink roses are associated with gentleness and admiration.
So, rethink, is pink that bad?
Can your husband only show YOU love by buying red roses WITH baby-breath? If he had handed you a red rose instead of a pink it would have a-OK?
I see nothing wrong in having expectation, but to me it makes it mechanical and not from the heart.
You husband bought you the "wrong" color roses, but he STILL thought of you while out shopping. He STILL wanted to make sure you got a rose. And you basically told him he "failed".. Makes it hard for him to even see the point of trying.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2015): I was devoted to my beloved deceased partner for 28 years. It wasn't always lovey-dovey, and a "Hallmark card" love affair. Like you said, there were the ups and downs. But I tell you, when it was good; it was the best anyone could be blessed with.
Sweetheart, there are times when things just get kind of routine and you just don't feel it. There can be things on his mind that just make him frustrated to be a man. Having to be compelled to buy roses; because it is some holiday, rather than doing it because he really felt it from the heart? Well, I guess you had to be a guy to get what I'm saying. I'm gay. As a gay man I can relate to the feelings and emotions of a woman; and I know things from the male perspective as well.
He may have gone everywhere looking and trying to get roses like you wanted; but they may have been sold-out. When he finally found some roses; he was frustrated, burnt-out, perturbed, and pissed-off for all the trouble. Only because some holiday says he doesn't love you if he doesn't do this. He knows in his heart how much he does care for you, but he doesn't need a holiday to prove it.
I once shared in a post long ago, that my partner was away on business during Valentines Day. He ordered two dozen long-stem red roses to be delivered with Godiva chocolates. The delivery came on a Saturday afternoon. Right on time!
I got a mourning arrangement for a funeral!!! The orders got mixed-up. I was so tickled I fell to the floor in hysterics. I took a picture of it to share with my friends and family. I didn't say a word about it to my partner when he called. I just told him it was beautiful. When he got home, he asked me to see the roses; and I showed him the beautiful bereavement-arrangement with a huge purple bow. Girlfriend, if you could have seen his face!!! He's not the kind of guy with that kind of sense of humor. He ordered and paid $125.00 for A V-Day arrangement and candy; and that's what he expected. It took awhile for him to get the humor in it. He was an attorney, and he thought I was mocking and laughing at him. Later that evening, sitting at the dinner table he looked up. Our eyes met at the same time, and we burst into laughter. It's a cherished moment in our relationship.
Perhaps that was a premonition of things to come.
It's a cherished memory to me. He died on his birthday of cancer, on 02/07/2006. I'm seeing someone else now. It's snowed-out today, and he's sleeping late after a rough week. He's a gem! Count your blessings! I do!
You have to sum up all the actions and efforts he makes to show you everyday. Not just gestures on holidays. People do what is expected of them when following tradition. Love is not a tradition, it is an emotion. It is expressed daily and in every-way the loving-heart can create it. It is easily interpreted when it is heartfelt. I know this from experience, my dear lady. After he died, every single gesture of his kindness and sweetness came back to memory.
Hubbie just may not feel in the mood for V-DAY; or lost it in the hustle. It's mostly for women anyway. If you took a poll, most guys wish it would just go away.
Go back and tally-up all the sweet and lovely things he says and does everyday. Just for no reason. If they're nonexistent or lacking; stop and think about what you say and do to make HIM feel loved and appreciated. Goes two-ways! Cooking and cleaning is a chore, not an expression of love. So don't compare or include being a good "wife and house-keeper," or bringing home the bacon. Roommates do that. I mean, what gifts do you get him out of nowhere and for no reason? What surprises are there in store at bed-time? How many times do you give him a hug or a kiss out the clear blue? How often do you go out of your way, just to give him a smile when he walks in the room? When does he get to hangout with his buddies to do man-stuff without a hassle? How often does he get-away with little screw-ups without a scolding from you? As I said; it does go two-ways, sister!
Sometimes when you've been with the same guy forever, he thinks you know how he feels. If he hasn't shown it enough, then show him more to see how he reacts. If he seems pleasantly surprised; it means he was missing it. If he looks at you like you're crazy, he doesn't feel the same for you anymore. Women always expect the guy to show all kinds of crazy-love. They forget the nagging, pouting, bitchiness, and irritation that sometimes decreases the motivation to be romantic. Yet women never forget the tiniest details of a mistake a boyfriend or husband made one December, on a Tuesday, and it was raining, and he...
This is not to demean your concerns. Pink roses are just as beautiful, if you ask me. The price-tag showing is no big-deal. There are women who will write today, and throughout the rest of the month of February about not getting anything. You don't know the hell he may have gone through searching for the usual red roses and baby's breath. It gets harder and more expensive every year. I don't know about you, but I measure love by more important things. I love pink roses, yellow roses, red, orange, and purple. I'll take them!
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (14 February 2015):
 I'm sorry to hear that you're not feeling appreciated by your husband, especially this time of year.
I'm guessing that when the two of you first married you both thought the relationship was better than "ok" before you decided to make it permanent... so something has definitely changed over time, but it may not JUST be him. It's pretty hard to consider something OK but not great, yet pretend it is great on a daily basis and keep that pretense alive at all times in front of your partner. So I'm guessing that there are ways in which your own frustrations show through as well. Is it possible he is picking up on this and not feeling so appreciated himself, thereby feeling less motivated to make an effort of his own?
Without knowing a little more about the dynamic between you two (Are you typically affectionate with each other? Do you fight often? Have you had an argument recently in the time frame leading up to this? How satisfied do you think your partner is with marital life? And so on) it's hard to say whether this is indicative of a lack of love, a petty squabble, or something in between. Honestly, it could be something as simple as a good friend of his stating aloud that (for example) cards and flowers are stupid and a waste of money, and your husband feeling influenced by that person's opinion! A guy here at my job just asked us all for help picking the right flowers for his girlfriend and THANKFULLY all my male co-workers were helpful to him and didn't tease him about it. However, I can pretty much guarantee that in the case of this specific person and given his personality, had the guys come back with "Man, you sure are whipped" or something along those lines, she probably wouldn't be getting flowers this year but rather a spiel about how the only thing Valentine's Day really celebrates is capitalism. True story!
How is your husband's life apart from your marriage? Anything external (work, money, family) that might be stressing him out? It's also worth noting that there is almost a full year between last Valentine's Day (the last time you mention him having gotten you a material token of appreciation) and this past Christmas (the first time he deviated from what he usually does) so whatever the issue may be, there's a good chance it didn't happen overnight.
Here's the big question, though: do you feel appreciated in your marriage in ways that aren't material? If the answer to that question is also no, it's probably time to sit down with him and talk about how you both are feeling in the marriage and what you both think could be improved. Consider starting out by asking him what he thinks you could improve on, so that the conversation comes across as more open and less accusing.
I hope this helps. Good luck and best wishes!
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