A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have not talked for two nights so far and we are in a long distance relationship that's been going on for a year and two months.I am so confused and lost I do not know what I did wrong or where I stand with him anymore.I been down and crying to myself since we last talked which was monday night.We had a good convo he was okay and then he said he wanted his digital camera back and I said okay but I was going to delete his pix in it that I found of his exes.He went off cursing me out saying I better not I said why not it shouldn't matter he's with me now.He got angrier said he wanted to see what pix they were and they were before me so it has nothing to do with me and I shouldn't have been looking in his camera.It really confused me I don't why it was such a big issue to him and it was like it was something he was hiding I don't know what I did wrong to deserve the yelling and cursing.I never yell at him or curse him out and call him names.He got so mad that he told me I was irritating him I better not call or text him after that he will call me whenever.He said I was disrespecting him by not listening to him.I told him so does this mean we are breaking up, he said no but if I call or text him one more time we will break up.He said he just wants to be alone right now.So I haven't called or text him ever since and he hasn't called me at all so I am confused and sad.I feel like its over,is it over?He always seems to change moods so quickly and he thinks its normal but I don't know what it is.He leaves me thinking I did something wrong even though I know I have not.He always gets so defensive when it comes to his ex too I know they have a history they were together 3 years and engaged to be married last June but November 2006 she ended it.She hurt him many times and now she's with another guy supposedly in love so I don't know why he still defends her and we get in the biggest disagreements when it has to do with her.Im lost I don't know what to do Im at a verge of ending it or maybe it is over.Im soooo confused...Please help me!!!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2008): PS: This bending over backward and sacrificing everything for a man is no good. It dosen't make a man love you any more, it just proves that you have no respect for yourself, and makes him think that you will accept anything he dose.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2008): As I said Ms Anonymous, you have been lying to us.. Thanks for your update, but your not confused and you know exactly what you have done wrong....
"I am so confused and lost I do not know what I did wrong or where I stand with him anymore" Original Post from Ms Anonymous
"I said I was going to but I just said this to see his response to what I had said.He knew I disliked the pix and I told him to delete them when I send the camera back." Updated followup from Ms Anonymous
You lied to us, that wasn't very sensible. You can't get good advice if you are only telling us part of the story. These pictures do not belong to you, and you have no right to DEMAND that he delete them. You can't get rid of his feelings for his ex this way, the pictures won't make him forget her, you can't make her disappear just like that.
You shouldn't have continued this relationship if you knew this guy was still in love with his ex. If he keeps putting you down, if he remains in love with her, well then you have to finish your relationship and find someone else. If he still loves her and he doesn't love you, then dump him, because you deserve more than that. You love him, well that's good for you, but if he keeps putting her first, if he talks about her and misses her, then he doesn't love you. Your not wrong for feeling the way you do, nobody likes to feel second class when they are in a relationship. But you knew how he felt, and if he's feelings haven't changed then you must let him go. You can't force somebody to love you, you can't force him to forget, people need to get over love by themselves. By making such an issue over these photographs you have actually made things worse. Now he will be thinking about her again, he will be comparing you, and you will be looking bad. He will think, "my ex never done that, she wasn't jealous like this new one is".. He will also notice that you like to lie and you set stupid tests for him to pass, and he won't like that at all.
Wait until he contacts you, and apologize, tell him that his past behaviour has made you feel insecure. Talk to him about his feelings for you, and his feelings for his ex. Communication is always better than playing stupid games. Talk about whether your relationship is worth saving if he still remains in love with her.
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A
female
reader, michelleAKAmandi +, writes (12 September 2008):
 Hello there...
He is upset with you because you said you were going to delete "his" pictures.
They didn't and don't belong to you.
If you had an issue with him having them, you should have talked about it. Also you could have merely let him know that it bothered you that he had them. You probably wouldn't have gotten a statement that he would delete them which would have been what you wanted to hear.
You possibly have a jealousy and self confidence issue and acting out of that caused this.
He may still have feelings for his ex. Just because someone you loved fell in love with someone else and got married doesn't make the feelings go away and when you said you were going to delete his pictures of her, that made him angry for this reason and the above that I stated.
If I'm wrong in my thinking on this next comment, someone call me on it..........
Not to add to your pain, but to possibly open your eyes, you may have been a rebound unfortunately. There was approximately 7 months between his break up and meeting you, correct? Do you know what a rebound relationship is?
It's not something people have on purpose, but they don't realize they are trying to make the hurt go away and when someone new comes along it's so much easier and they think they are feeling something that is possibly going to last.
I'm sorry for your pain and confusion, but someone else's property is not for you to make the decision of if it should be or not be.
Good luck and let us know if we have helped or if we may have shed new light on something for you.
Michelle
PS - I was a jealous person in my very young years, but woke quickly to the pain it actually caused. Gain that self confidence you should have and you will feel much better about yourself and in a situation like this if it is ever to rear it's head again.
8o)
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI feel everyones response to my story is totally wrong except tellulah.Its not that she is on my side its just that most of you didn't read or hear it all.I did not delete the pix!!!I said I was going to but I just said this to see his response to what I had said.He knew I disliked the pix and I told him to delete them when I send the camera back.We have always had this problem where he screams and yells at me calls me names when he's angry and I don't raise my voice or call him names at all.So it has nothing to do with me for those who think I argue because I don't he just has a short temper.I don't see any point in arguing or yelling to get my point across.This was a problem in the beginning of our relationship when he compared me to his ex or brought her up constantly.He had always put her on a pedestal and put me down.Then this year he stopped bringing her up and his temper simmered.He found that she moved on and he was mad at her calling her names now.She had made remarks towards him calling him like they were together still which is why I don't care for her.Plus he said she really hurt him badly.But since that convo when it had to do with old pix of her he didn't know he still had in the camera until I told him, the old him came back when I said Im going to delete them.Im not jealous I'm just tired of feeling like he's putting our relationship on the line because of his ex.This is not the first time either he's gave me ultimatums where it came to doing things for her or with her or having to do with her or its over with us.So I just am tired of it he makes me feel like Im not important to him when it comes to her.And I bend backward for him, I sacrifice so much so he can be happy.So am I really wrong to feel as I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2008): "I was going to delete his pix in it that I found of his exes" Ms anonymous...
Your confused, you don't know what you've done wrong.... Your lying, you do know what you did, and you are trying to cover it up and make yourself feel better about it all...
You are displaying very unattractive traits of jealousy, possessiveness, and control. You had NO RIGHT to delete these pictures, they are nothing to do with you, they don't belong to you, they belong to him. They are his past, his memories, they are a record of the things he has done and the people he has met. YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO DELETE THEM, it is not your decision to make. He must be so angry with you, and I bet he is deciding whether he wants to keep a vindictive, vicious, jealous person like you in his life. I would do the same.. I have pictures of all my ex's, every single one of them. My ex of 18years, took half of the pictures when he left, because he said they were his past experiences as well...
You don't like the pictures, well they are none of your business, you can't wipe away the memories, you can't make him disappear. Be very careful young lady, he's more than angry, he's very disgusted and frightened about your need to control. You can dump people and forget the past when you move on, he's not like you, his memories and his past make him the person he is. Don't come here, lying and trying to justify your blatant jealousy, like him, we can see through all your lies....
He needs time to think, but since you show no remorse, regret or understanding, I suggest you should prepare yourself to be a picture and a memory very soon, as he moves on and finds someone less possessive to love.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (11 September 2008):
So you just announced that you were going to delete them, and then he blew up and you sat in silence. I wonder what you were saying to him that he would accuse you of not listening and tell you not to speak to him.
There is another side to this story and I think you said more than you think you did.
Arguments only escalate when 2 people are yelling at eachother so if you had stayed calm and apologised for threatening to destroy his property he couldn't have got so angry.
Leave him to calm down and then next time remain calm when you are having a row.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
male
reader, StudentOfLife  +, writes (11 September 2008):
 I think we all have pictures of our past relationships. Even though we are not with that person anymore, we still keep them for the memories. Sometimes it remind us of what we liked from a girl. Sometimes it remind us of what we dislike of them.
The reason why I keep them is to remind myself what went wrong or what I did wrong so that I don't do it again.
If another a new girl friend would ask me to delete them, I would feel kind of as if she's not acknowledging me or as if she wants me to forget about my past.
My past is what made who I am today and what I do today will determine who I am tomorrow.
Even when I'm not looking at pictures, I still remember my ex and I don't want to forget them and just hope that my new girlfriend could accept me for who I am.
(Don't have a new girlfriend, just for the sake of the story)
Hope this help! :)
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (11 September 2008):
 Personally, I think he should be apoligising to you. Ok you said something a bit silly, but its perfectlly normal that you felt the way you did. I dont think he has anything to hide from you (otherwise he would not have let you keep the camera) but I do think that he over-reacted at you.
I have pictures of my ex, but only because my children are in them. Otherwise there is no way I would care about them, he made me misserable. If I did have photo's of my ex and my partner asked me to get rid of them I would.
Who is more important, the partner that left you, or the one you are with now and have a future with? Perhaps if the guy calls you, you should ask him just that.
I would doubt that you should actually stay with this guy, he doesnt sound very committed or understanding of your feelings at all.
They are just photo's of somone that crapped on him, why would he want to keep them?
Take care, actually I'm on your side on this one XX
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A
female
reader, aphexinfinite +, writes (11 September 2008):
 i can see why he isnt talking to you..what gives you the right to delete other peoples property? he may want to keep them as a reminder of how happy he was and what lessons hes learned or its all just history either way it has nothing to do with you..what you should of done was badd statement At the most you should have said "I don't feel very comfortable with you keeping those photos, I would like it if you would think about deleting them." not going you will no one likes being dictated to least of all you i would like to hope.. if anything you should be apologising how you acted on this and tell him your sorry..he shouldnt of yelled and cursed but you were going to delete a valueable part of his life, having photos of her means nothing to you its just that a photo..if you want to sort this out wait till he gets in contact and apologise and if you dont i dont see it going very far.. sorry hope that helps aphexy xx
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A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (11 September 2008):
 I'm sorry that you are feeling sad but why would you think that it would be OK to tell him, unilaterally, what you were going to do with his property and his memories? He shouldn't have yelled or cursed at you but I have no difficulty understanding why he wouldn't be happy. He's a young man and those 3 years of his life and his past relationship with that girl are a significant part of who he is now. Life is not so simple that we just wipe the past when we move on to a new relationship.
At the most you should have said "I don't feel very comfortable with you keeping those photos, I would like it if you would think about deleting them."
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