A
male
age
41-50,
*ost_without_a_clue
writes: My questions are based on how to handle supporting my wife's family financially. To give you some background, my wife and I are are married for over two and a half years now. Her family consists of her mother and sister. She lost her father to alcohol about 5 years ago. She is 31 and has been supporting her family for a decade, even when her father was around to provide for them. My in laws do not work to support themselves, my wife sends them a fixed amount of money to support their rent and bills every month. The issue for me is that I do not see any factors apart from pure laziness on my in laws part that they do not secure a job to support themselves. I would love to be able to support them financially, but feel that we should be able to support them in times of crisis and not on a daily basis. Prior to us getting married my wife used to spoil her family by giving them material objects beyond their needs. This may have created a false sense of expectancy on their part. While visiting the in laws I notice that they do not run a household.The house resembles a group of teenagers, with visitors dropping in at all hours and eating meals/kicking back at my expense. Apart from not working, they also tend to live beyond their means. I find that they rent a house beyond their means, even if it means compromising on paying the bills.I also find my in laws manipulative, they turn on the tears when things don't go their way and my soft hearted wife always succumbs to this manipulation. They tell her if 'she doesn't look after them, who will'. The other issue is that although my wife supports them financially, she has no say in their lifestyle choices. If she tries to steer them in the right direction, she gets a barrage of abuse and emotional blackmail. My wife agrees with most of what I have to say but also says that these people are her family and she cannot abandon them. I have asked my wife if she is willing to take on a second job to support her family. She isn't too keen on this as she already works full time.I could agree to my in laws way of life to a certain degree if I found that historically the kids would look after their parents. i.e my mother in law would look after her parents and thus have an expectation to be looked after by her daugher, but this isn't the case. We are a relatively newly married couple and yet feel stressed by this issue to the point where we haven't enjoyed that 'new couple' phase where we focus on each other.We maybe able to support them today but if we have kids will not be able to continue supporting them. At times i wonder if I am being heartless, or whether I am doing the right thing by taking a tough love stance. Any advice especially from people in similar situations would be appreciated.
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male
reader, lost_without_a_clue +, writes (5 November 2011):
lost_without_a_clue is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everyone,
thank you for your answers. Anonymous, who supports her mother, I wouldn't like to leave my partner as I feel this is a small issue in our journey of marriage. My wife feels the same way. As much as she's in the habit of supporting her family, she realizes that it is damaging. It's the separation of her thoughts and emotions that causes her the most distress.
Thanks once again for your responses, I really appreciate the time you have taken to ponder over this
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (4 November 2011):
 I have never been in a similar situation. Neither mine nor my husband's families are "moochers".
To be honest, I don't think you are being hard at all. Sit your wife down and make a budget, see how much you two could save up instead of handing it out to her family. If she has been taking care of them for the last 10 years, I think she is entitled to take a break from it.
Also, kids are expensive. I would rather save up for kids and a rainy day. Helping out is ok, if you can afford it and in emergencies. Same with occational spoiling. IMHO
She is also enabling her mom and sister. If both of them are able bodied, they need to get a job, with her giving them money they aren't motivated at all.
Besides paying for their living how much time does she spend with them?
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify  +, writes (4 November 2011):
 just say no- how will you and your wife afford kids and a life together with these mootchers. tell her sister to pay for the mum and let that set the cat among the pigeons.
your wife needs to grow up herself emotionally and stop being manipulated by bullshit greed of others. its time for her to wake up and take charge.
does she enjoy going to work? does she feel excessive sympathy for these leechy charcters? why is she doing this to herslf and you? where is her self esteem. build that up and get her to throw off the shackles of piss taking users.
they dont need more money what they need is a good kick up the arse and a taste of reality. and be prepared, when they cant pay their rent DONT have them come live with you as this WILL be their next tactic and it would get much more intolerable.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2011): I myself look after my mother financially and am her full-time carer. I understand how hard it is and the strain that it can take, but if my partner was to tell me to stop supporting her I would tell him that he can leave (I love my partner) but family is important too. You knew that she was doing this before you married her and now you want to change what she does. I can see both sides, but yes I think you are being heartless to her feelings and how torn she must be feeling. I would not abandon my Mum at all, but my partner knows that and accepts that about me. That's me though
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 November 2011):
 You are not heartless. Maybe it's life itself which is heartless, but, it is what it is. You stated a factual, undeniable truth : if you have kids, you won't be able to afford supporting your in-laws. So what are you supposed to do, giving up having YOUR family because your in laws got used to being spoiled ? ... Obviously not, soooner or later they'd have to look for other sources of income, so they might as well start NOW, there 's no time like the present. And you might start saving for the future of your children, children are expensive.
Probably it 's not feasible to just make them quit " cold turkey " but your wife could start now reducing her support to the bare survival minimum and warn them that in X number of months this support will stop altogether, so they need to get up and about NOW.
It is to be expected that they will not take it too well, they'll probably resort to tears , angry outbursts, emotional blackmailing and all the repertory of manipulators and exploiters, so it's important that you stand up by your wife and help her and support her emotionally in this
mini-ordeal, and make her feel all your love and respect. She needs it to be strong and learn to say ONLY " I am sorry ,but I can't do anything more for you ".
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2011): You need to tell her that she is not helping them, she is hurting them. WHat if she were laid off or died in some freak accident or suddenlt had to pay some hefty medical bills or something? SHe wouldnt be able to give them the money. Then what would they do? You need to tell her that she is actually hurting them w/her behavior, NOT being there for them.She is taking away their independence. If she doesnt make them start to help themselves and wean them off of her, they will almost certainly someday be in a situation where she cant help and they wont know what to do because they never care for themselves. If she doesnt help them, who will? They will help themselves. They are not little children or pets. They are adults. There are also programs out there that can help them get back on their feet. There are lots of people out there willing to help them.. But they will never look this way, nor will they try to do it themselves. WHy should they?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2011): OP, this happens so often, where family manipulate and take advantage of our good nature.i have always helped out financially, even taking out bank loans to help (my hb was not aware). i hid this just to help my brothers and sisters. my hb was furious with me, this affceted by marriage. i had to make the difficult choice: continue being the good (fool) samaritan or my marriage. i chose marriage. the monies ive given/lent has not been returned. im talking of thousands of bucks.now when the phone call comes, i politely say i do not have. (its hard, but for my own sanity i have decided to say NO)u have to take care of yourself and your wife. put your foot down. u wont be popular but they will know that they cannot manipulate anymore. its a battle that is worth your sanity and your marriage.LoveGirl
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