A
female
age
36-40,
*usyBee
writes:My husband is lazy! I work 40hrs a week, take care of our 13 month old daughter, cook, clean, heck I even do yard work, and all he does is work, which I understand he might be tired, but he doesnt help with anything. I feel like I am a single mom, who has to do everything. He hasnt spent a single day with our daughter where its just him and her, so see what its like in my shoes, if he isnt working, he is either playing golf, video games, or softball with his friends. I have tried to talk to him about it, but it does no good. I am about to my breaking point. What do I do?
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female
reader, raiders +, writes (21 July 2010):
 Call him on his bluff, he is taken you for granted and maybe he was raised this way. His mother probably chop his food up and fed him till he was 18 and grew up thinking very highly of himself and believe he should be pampered and be treated like royalty.
What you need to understand is that he needs you more than what you need him. He needs your money to be able to afford his life style. He needs you to cook if not he will probably starve ,or be a walking heart attack because of all the fast food he will be eating. He needs you to live in a clean house because without you your house might be all upside down and yucking. He is not giving you the support you need. Stop and think what is he doing for you, really, because the sound of things he is not doing anything that a husband should do, and he can easily be replace by a dildo.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (21 July 2010):
 Have a serious talk with him, and then PLAN. Say today you got the kid, tomorrow it is his turn. You can do for example two days each with the majority care of the kid. OR, make a clearly defined list over who does what. He can play video games and go golfing.. no problem. As long as he has "done his homework" first. Then when you are done with your things, on a day that he has main charge of the kid, you can relax and do what you want.
The two of you have not been parents that long, and it is quite common that the woman if left with the responsibility of the child. You learned it in school by playing with dolls, while guys played with cars. Same thing now happening in real life.
So talk to your man, put up a list of chores that need to be done every day and then split them between the two of you. Do count in his work hours compared to yours though. If he works twice as many hours/doing physically demanding work, he might just need a little extra time off to relax. What you can also do is work around this, say he needs an hour a day of video games. Let him do that. One hour. And then he comes to help out around the house.
Work out a deal that you are both happy with. And stick to the plan once it is made. Make time for just the two of you to be together as well, like once every other week if possible have someone babysit and go out and have fun together.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 July 2010):
 Seems like neither of you are happy. I would sit him down and tell him that you two need to make a "chore list" - IT ISN'T FAIR that you do everything around the house + work out of the house. You two also need to make a budget and BOTH share the costs.
It also seems like you two live almost seperate lives.
Also I would suggest, if you want to stay with the guy, that you talk to a neutral person, such as your minister, pastor, priest,rabbi or a marriage counselor.
You seem to harbor so much resentment over this, yet you haven't done ,much to improve your life. Playing the "martyr" for the child is not going to make anyone happy. Take action and take some time to figure out what would make you happy.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (21 July 2010):
 Sounds like he wants a slave. You would probably be better off without him. You said "his house." Does that mean your name isn't on it? You might want to check marriage property laws in your state. Where I live, you're entitled to half unless specified by a pre-nup.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2010): what kind of work does he do? I know for myself when I was working 12 hours a day and 6 or 7 days a week I was more than a little tired when I got home and my poor wife had to do almost everything around the house herself dispite having a 40 hour a week job herself.
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A
female
reader, BusyBee +, writes (21 July 2010):
BusyBee is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell my thing is, I had a huge fallen out with my family and needless to say attorneys were involved over $$, and I was granted some $$, yet I took some of that money and bought "us" a family car, hell it was a Tahoe fully loadedyet he treats it like it is his personal trash can, he never cleans, keeps the maintance up on it, and it makes me mad, bc i spent all that $$ on a car and he treats it that way.I paid off our bills, helped pay on our house (or should I say his house) 9 times out of 10 I pay everything for our daughter, he hasnt even paid the 1st week of daycare! He doesnt appreciate anything, he flat out told me the other night if im not happy then leave,he knows I have NO family and really no one to talk to, and I have to wonder to myself is it all worth it to try to stay and make things work for our daughter???
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A
female
reader, The wife listener  +, writes (21 July 2010):
Hey sweetheart, I fully understand how frustrating, agitating and hurtful this is for you. What i hear though is anger, which while very understandable will never help you deal with this issue. I have been trying to get my husband listening for years and have come to the realisation that once i get angry, i have lost the battle.For starters, try writing a journal in a nice quiet room with headphones on, listening to music that softens your emotions, Flightless bird ( the twighlight soundtrack) is a good one. And try writing your journal as though you were telling the story of another person. This will help you to relax and maybe then you can speak with your husband in a calm and collected manner. Even if you get your point across one bit at a time, he's more likely to take it in if its delivered in a calm voice and bit by bit. If with your anger, its causing you to verbally attack him, he's very unlikely to ever listen. I know its wrong and we should be able to spill our emotions out. But its not the way honey. Give my suggestion a try just for one day and see if you feel a little better.
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A
female
reader, Sally79  +, writes (21 July 2010):
 This is very unfiar, and often happens when a woman does this in the start of the relationship to please the man and to make him happy, but as relationship grows and changes, instead of feeling like a treat, the man end up presuming that this behaviour will continue. Remember, behaviour creates behaviour in others. it will take you having to change, gradually, the excessive things you are doing for him, even if it angers or upsets him at first (it will be someting new he has to deal with enexpectedly). Give it a try, such as leave the house a mess more times a week than he would expect you to...see what happens, if he mentions it, explain that you were too tired and leave it at that. I hope this is some kind of help to you.
Kindest regards
Sally
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (21 July 2010):
There's a book called "The Second Shift" that I think will speak to you. It's about how many women now are working two jobs; their career, and their "home maker" job.
You are absolutely right that this is unfair. I'm not entirely sure what you should do, but a couple of things would be doing things for yourself sometimes. Make plans with your friends and tell him you need him to watch your daughter. Don't ask him, tell him this is what's happening. My vibe is that he will do what you let him get away with, and so far, he's getting away with everything. I hope it doesn't come to the point where you have do deliver an ultimatum.
Try talking to him again, and don't let him blow it off. Let him know that he's driving a wedge into your marriage and you want to address it before you reach the point of no return. He has to know how serious this is for you. If he still doesn't care, then that will give you an answer about just what kind of guy he really is. I'm hoping for the best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2010): Well, it seems like he is doing all this intentionally. Such intentional acts are either due to evil mindedness or due to some other circumstances.Evilness cannot be changed. But talking about other circumstances I can say that, there can be many things on such behaviour..1. He may be angry on you about something. 2. He might have developed a hating towards you.3. He is getting frustrated on something of his own life, I mean internally, he may be unhappy.These are some results of inner frustration a person suffers. Well, whether he is right or wrong is not considered in this case. Its just, the frustration that guides a person to do such improper acts.Also,you should mention the time period of such behavior of your husband here. Because if this is happening from few weeks, the such behavior mostly doesn't last long.You'll really require to catch him on this strictly (by yourself or with someone's help) and then make him speak out what he is unhappy about.If he is normal, then I'm sure that after he finds a solution to his internal unhappiness, he'll develop more interest and do all the normal help, that you naturally desire..
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