A
female
age
51-59,
*untieSnap
writes:Hi there, I just really want to know how other parents cope with teens. My two are 16 and 13 and they can be utterly horrendous at times which we have put down to hormones and try to deal with it the best we can. My husband and I seem to spend the majority of our spare time refereeing slanging matches between the pair of them and stopping them from really hurting one another with whatever weaponary comes to hand, ie shoes, DVD's, dog toys and my personal "favourite",(the damage this object can do has to be seen to be believed) the welly boot. Yet four or five years back they were the best of friends now they cannot stand the sight of each other, and I think, what has gone so wrong? Our son takes great delight in deliberately winding his sister up at every opportunity and she in return will beat the crap out of him for doing it. However he is very nifty on his feet and usually escapes. He recently captured and released several large Daddy Longlegs insects in her bedroom knowing full well she would scream the place down (she is utterly terrifed of them), which she did. He then TOLD her there was a nest of them outside her window that had just hatched which produced more hysterics and resulted in her poor father having to go up a ladder to check and reassure her that nothing was there. She got her own back later by rugby tackling him thrashing him with a trainer. Both my husband and myself spend equal time with them singly and as a family, we do a lot of activities, we take time to talk over any problems they come to us with and they have after school clubs,committees and church group that they attend, they concentrate in school and get good grades, they are no problem outwith the home, indeed people have commented on how repectful and pleasant they are and this make their dad and I so proud of them. We have brought them up to treat people as they would like to be treated themselves and they do. So why the minute they get home do they turn like Jekyll and Hyde? I have spoken to friends with teens and they seem to be in the same boat but not quite as bad as my two. I sincerely hope that when the grow up a bit they will learn to have a bit more respect for each other. My main worry is that they will hate one another for the rest of their lives and that would break my heart. Sense prevails and I know it will get better, however there is a wee small voice telling me otherwise. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, OhGetReal  +, writes (16 October 2010):
 After your post, I highly recommend you get the Covey book I mentioned at your library or off Amazon...he has also written one about how to have happy teens, which I have not read.
Your family has gone off track and that is what is showing up in the behavior of your children. Yes it is difficult that your husband works away during the week, my sister has the same situation going on in her house and this was HER choice, her husband got transferred for TWO YEARS when her kids were 13, and she chose to stay behind to hang onto their huge 5 BR manse in a tony neighborhood of Houston and to spoil her children by giving in to their demands most of the time, especially about going on to high school with their friends whom they value more than their own family and parents. This was a huge mistake in my opinion, but it is her family and these are the consequences.
What Covey says is to teach your children the idea of abundance rather than scarcity. Loving one child does not mean there is less love for the other, and if you communicate in the words of scarcity it will feel that way to them. Go outside and look at the sunshine, there is an abundance of it, one person being in the sun does not take away from the others who are also soaking up the sun.
Your family has to have goals and a mission statement much like a business and you have to have the end in mind. What are the end goals for your children while they are under your parentage? What are the end goals for your family? Why is your husband working away from home? Is it so that your children can go to the best colleges? When discussing plans and privileges ask everyone for their input even if it consists of a decision about one child's request. How will everyone benefit from the decision rather than sacrifice? Speak in those terms and make your children use their brain instead of their emotions and you will slowly get your family back on track.
There is a lot of other illustrations and ideas in this book and I think it will help you turn your family and your kids around.
Happy reading.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 October 2010):
 Thank to you, AuntieSnap, for being such a good sport. I am wary of criticizing people in their role of parents, because I know the parent's instinctive - and probably only sensible - reaction to any comment is " Then YOU come here and deal with them, since you are so smart ! "
I gave my opinion because I was concerned you were tempted to underestimate this problem, blaming it on "hormons " and "all teens are in the same boat ". Quite frankly , I don't feel so- I have a certain experience with teenagers, and difficult teenagers ,too, - still what you told us is a bit unusual.
I see though that you have already tried all the classic,rational approaches and it did not work.
What about trying family therapy ? Who knows, maybe some sessions of counseling would help.
I know, it sounds perhaps too much for healthy, happy, well- cared- for kids.
But, again, I am thinking , first of all, about their physical safety . If they carry on like now, there is the risk that sooner or later somebody gets hurt for real.
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A
female
reader, AuntieSnap +, writes (16 October 2010):
AuntieSnap is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi to all that responded, especially yours ohgetreal, thank you so much.
Cindycares & annonymous, thank you also.
I am at the stage where I am tearing my hair out and no it is not meant to sound "cute" and they are not adorable rascals, not when you are living in a war zone 24/7. They are constantly having priviledges, ie phones, grounding, not having friends around etc taken away but it STILL doesnt get through to them, it will work for a while but then something kicks off and we are back to square one again. I didnt mention that my husband works away for most of the week so perhaps this may have something to do with it. It seems one is trying to get one up one the other. They know this behaviour is totally unacceptable and how stressful it is for me and their dad but they still do it. No, they were not this awful when they were younger, they were very close. We have a good relationship with both of them and am so pleased when they can talk to us about things that are bothering them. I have talked to my daughter and son seperately about why this and they both say "you love ---- more than me" "you let ==== do this and not me" which is simply not true. We have honestly both tried to be as fair with them as we can. Perhaps without realising it we have favoured one over the other, I know my daughter can be a daddy's girl. I really appreciate what you all have written, yes its hard to take criticism but I needed an outside perpective on this.
Many thanks.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (16 October 2010):
Necessary disclaimer : I don't like when people comments about my parenting skills, I tend to take every suggestion as a personal criticism. If you are like me,-please do not take offence. I know that being a mother of teenagers is a very difficult job, and I know that most mothers ,if not all,take it very seriously and do the very best they can.
Nevertheless, I could not help thinking : and where are you, when all this mayhem takes place ? Standing right there with your hands in your hair ? Or secretly sort of amused by the antics of your adorable rascals ?..
You are the parent, you decide what behaviour is acceptable in your home. What is not acceptable must not be tolerated. Throwing boots and other objects ? Physically attacking each other ? ... It sounds "cute", in written, - but it's also dangerous. They need to stop, if nothing else for safety reasons. So : make very clear that hitting and hurting each other is not fun, it's not a game, and the first time either one is up to it again- ground them. IMMEDIATELY.Take away their privileges. No allowance, no Facebook, no cell phone,no whatever. If you are consistent, they'll get it pretty soon.
I also think that this kind of stuff did not just show up out of the blue when they hit their teens, but perhaps it sort of evolved and escalated from what they were allowed to do as younger kids. Where they allowed to phisically fight, to push and shove and bite each other ?... I know that there are lots of parents who think it's best not to interfere when kids fight, and let them handle their "differences " by themselves - sorry but I disagree,
when they get older they may calm down by themselves- or they may not,and the situation can spin really out of control .
Said that, don't worry that they hate each other or they will in future. In fact, I noticed often how this rough handling between siblings is just a misguided, upside down
sign of closeness and ultimately , affection.
Basically, they do like each other- if they did not ,they would just ignore each other. Instead, they want each other's attention. A bit like when in 1st grade the boy pulls the braids... of the girl he secretly likes best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2010): You are the parent and therefore should have control of this situation so you need to nip it in the bud straight away before one of them does the other some real damage. Sit them down tell them you love them both equally and make it plain that their unruly behaviour is unacceptable & that you and your husband simply will not stand for it any longer (make sure they know how much added stress it is causing you & their dad) tell them that if they continue with any further bad behaviour that they will have very unpleasant consequences, make sure you start off with severe punishments (No Parties/friend contact etc) some parents don't stick to punishment carrying out as they feel guilty but your kids NEED discipline and if you fail to back up with the punishments then it's nothing more than an empty threat & they will figure this out fast. You are right to think their hormones are ruling their moods but there is nothing they or you can do about this apart from finding them some type of physical outlet eg Marshal Arts/sports class etc. Hopefully once they learn to control themselves you will see an improvement in their friendship & they may even laugh about it in the future but if you don't stop this now they will end up hating each other completely. Best of Luck.
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A
female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (16 October 2010):
It sounds to me there is a lot positive going on with your parenting style and with your kids, so give yourself cudos for that. It is kind of difficult to diagnose the problems with this sibling rivalry without observing the overall family dynamic and getting to know your family better, truly it is nigh impossible.
If you are troubled and thinking this fighting is out of hand and it may end up badly for the two of them later in life then I would trust your gut instinct. My sister and I do not get along as adults and we were not the best of friends growing up and a lot of it really is my parent's doing. I know it is laughable, but they always liked my sister best. Do you have a favorite child? How about your husband? Ask your kids this question, so you feel that your sister get's special treatment or privledges, do you think your brother gets.....?
And then listen to their answer. Is one or the other of you and your husband overly critical of one of the kids, or worse comparing the two of them, why can't you be more like your sister? Do either you or your husband blame your kids for problems in the family? Do you put adult responsibilities and worries upon their young shoulders, things that are happening in your marriage upon either of them?
I like this book for families, especially those with teens. "Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families" by Covey. (Pretty sure that is the title or part of it)
One thing that helps is to have some consistency in your family traditions. Have a sit down family meal at least once a week, no TV blaring, sitting at the dinner table and have a real family conversation....so many families NEVER do that anymore. Create family traditions around Holidays....kids need structure, especially teens.
Hope this helps you in some way. And keep up the good work, your kids sound better than average and in this world we live in today that's saying a lot.
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