A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I would love some honest, intelligent, thought provoking advice. Thank you in advance.I have been seriously dating a man 15 years older than I, for a little over a year now. We recently moved in together. He's wonderful, caring, loving, generous, fun, intelligent, funny...the list goes on and on. We get along famously and honestly, he's my best friend. I have, unfortunately, developed an issue that seems to be slowly overtaking me. For the past few months, it has gotten to the point where I have to force myself to go out in public with him. For some reason, I am assuming major, deep seated insecurity on my part, I have intense anxiety about him seeing attractive women when we are out. I've also noticed (and have since our first date) that he checks out almost every even semi-attractive woman anywhere we go. I am not placing blame onto him and I am fully aware that I am completely responsible for my personal emotions, thoughts, etc., but what concerns me is this jealousy issue is becoming out of control. I keep my tact and try to self-soothe without burdening him with this issue, but I have been feeling so internally tormented. From being in public with him, to him sharing a story with me about an ex of his, to mentioning a female friend...The anxiety I experience is out of control. He also gets a weekly massage from a close, female friend of his, which makes me so uncomfortable. Obviously my self worth must be extremely low because I cannot fathom what else can be causing this. Any profound wisdom would be very much appreciated. Thank you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2016): I agree with Wiseowl you need to stop your boyfriend behaving like this because it's big red flag. No matter what his reasons are this man is being disrespectful to you. Blatantly checking out and touching other women sends signals to them that he's attracted whether he is or not. If he acts this way around you how does he act when you're not there? As 55 percent of communication is non verbal actions speak more than words and your boyfriend can say he loves you as much as he likes but others will interpret his behaviour differently. I'll be honest I spent my early 40s as a single woman and I can tell you that when I met single men who would give me the eye I'd assume they weren't THAT into the girlfriend. If she allowed it there was even more reason to assume they had a casual relationship or it was over and he was fair game. Of course he can't be forced to dump you or cheat but a lot of women only need a small amount of encouragement to really go after someone.Conversely a lot of women would find his behaviour annoying and he'll be thought of as a "creep" or "perv" by some. You might also like to point out that touching a woman's bum could be interpreted as sexual assault (in the UK at least). It's also a sackable offence where I work.Therapists have hundreds of clients that come and go so I don't see how your boyfriend not going anymore would cause a problem for your daughter. If he doesn't realise when he's checking out other women (unlikely) you could point it out him or have an arrangement where you use a certain phrase. When people enter a relationship they have to make allowances and can't carry on like they're available; your boyfriend needs to understand that.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2016): Set your boundaries about other women and that masseuse.
So what if his daughter works for her? He's your man, and other women rubbing his naked body bothers you. So say so.
Your feelings about that are valid, and setting your boundaries are necessary for your comfort and respect.
Your man is off-limits to other women, if he wants you off-limits to other men. Stop being a coward, woman!
Sweetheart, men do things when they are single that is okay under those circumstances. A woman rubbing and massaging your man with no clothes on, who knows him, is not acceptable. He should know that. What if you had a male friend who is a masseur that massages your naked body? You think he'd be okay with that? He'd say he would if you asked him, but his answer might change if it were a reality.
You are now in a relationship and there are things that must change to honor your commitment. Speak all your noble blabber how cool you are about this and that; but you didn't write a post unless he made you feel he wasn't truly committed and faithful to you.
All the staring at women and such hurts you. So you have to ask him to be as committed to you as you are to him. Say nothing, then expect no change. Why did you write a post about it?
Grow a pair and tell your man; no more massages from that woman, and stop staring at random females like you're not there.
Be a pussy, or be woman. Your choice, girlfriend!
You will sit there with some woman rubbing all over your man's naked body, and watching him checking-out every pretty little ass that struts by like you're not even there. I'm gay, and my man doesn't watch every tight ass that passes by while I'm sitting there. I see them and so does he, but we love and respect each other to not let glances linger too long. He loves me enough to fake like he doesn't, I do the same for his sake.
Your man has to do the same.
Why the hell did you write a post about it, if you weren't going to have the tits enough to confront him about his bullsh^t, girlfriend? You feel inferior to him or what?
Let me tell you. You're not inferior to him, and there are things he would not want you do with or around other men.
Don't believe me, test him. Better yet, tell him what you don't want him to do to show you respect as his woman.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all, SO MUCH, for your amazing insight. It has honestly helped my perspective tremendously. I spoke with him regarding my concerns...he was very empathetic and understanding, yet denied checking out other women. He claims to have not even thought about another woman romantically since the day we met and that he's "never loved anyone as intensely as he loves" me. That's beautiful, however, I still feel a bit hesitant. Even after our discussion, he continues to borderline stare at every woman we come into contact with, as well as go out of his way to turn around to apparently get a further glance. To top it off, when my mother hugged him goodbye after she stopped by to pick up her birthday gift, he lightly tapped her on her ass. I was appalled, yet ignored it, once more, as I am now convinced that all of this is an ego boost rooted from his own deep insecurities. I assume that now that he knows I am vulnerable, he is feeding off of that. Whether he is looking around or just needs constant attention and validation from other women, they are both still major red flags and it is in my best interest to no longer be consumed negatively by his actions, but to not reinforce them in any way, shape or form. As far as his massage therapist, I've met her once in the beginning of our relationship when he invited me for a couple's massage, but he's never taken me back. His masseuse happens to own the studio and his daughter works for her, as well, so I imagine walking away as a client may add some ill feelings there, which I do understand. Still, when he comes home and tells me that he ran into his massage therapist at the gym and put her hair up in a ponytail for her...again, I just don't see some of his actions as appropriate.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2016): Hi sweetie.I understand where you are coming from.I, too, am dating a man 15 years my senior.He is experienced, charming, wise, funny, sexy, a good conversationalist, a passionate lover. He has it all. I can certainly see the attraction. Your insecurity has nothing to do with how you feel about yourself. Because I sense that you have a very healthy self esteem and are confident in yourself. You seem to be quite mature and well spoken. The problem is you feel he does not see what you see, all that you are, the whole package or appreciate what he has. So, my guess is you are always trying to sell yourself to him. Seeking to please him. Essentially, you are perpetually trying to win his approval. And he always falls short of making you feel special and valued and like you are the only one that matters in his life. This relationship is not on even footing and tips in his favour. Men look at women. It's biology. That will never change. Whether you are out with him or not, he will look. And in general, we women should not take offence. As long as the looks are not blatantly obvious and linger to the point where he looks like an salivating old fart, you need to accept it with a grain of salt. He does not get it but a lot of women would laugh at a guy like that. So predictable. But what he is doing is going beyond the acceptable or what is considered respectable. He has a habit. Now, habits show you who someone really is. He is doing it all the time. That is not cool. Nor acceptable. I can see why you would be riddled with anxiety. You have every right to feel upset. He is taking advantage of your feelings for him to do as he pleases, without any regard for you, because he knows you are a door mat. He knows you are his adoration society and in your eyes, he can do no wrong. So, he is using that to his advantage to control you, manipulate you. Why would he want to give up his #1 cheerleader? He says and does just enough to appease you and keep you roped in. All the while, doing whatever he pleases, well in your view, and behind your back. You have no idea what he is doing when you are not around. And the fact he goes to a female friend for regular massages is suspect to me. He has told you about it in order to make it appear non threatening. He is being "honest" after all. So, he can keep doing it guilt free. You have accepted it. You have said nothing to him about being displeased about it. I would in no uncertain terms tell him to needs to terminate that arrangement or I walk. If a guy really cares about your feelings and really wants to be with you, he would do whatever you wish to keep you happy. When a man refuses to compromise, there is a problem. It means he does not love you or care for you enough to respect your wishes. If your partner is upset or hurt about something you are doing, you stop doing it. You shouldn't even have to think about it. I am sorry but you have to put him in his place and tell him exactly how you feel. So what if he gets offended? You have the right to voice your concerns and needs in a relationship. It is all about honesty, good or bad. The right partner will appreciate the honesty and will want to help you get over any issues you may have. A partner who is not right for you will dismiss your concerns, call you crazy, needy, demanding and continue their behaviour without blinking an eye. And you are the one who has to take it and keep putting up with these behaviours if the relationship is to continue. I have a feeling you are the one rowing this relationship boat and you have been all along. You deserve to be happy and fulfilled in a relationship, do you not? Do you think that hiding your feelings and letting him walk all over you is conducive to a healthy relationship? It is his job to make you feel safe and secure. He is not doing that. It's his job to raise you up, not tear you down or make you feel bad about yourself. He is not a good partner. I think he may be getting an ego boost by continuing his behaviour seeing that you will put up with it. He may even try to make you jealous on purpose. He might be trying to get a reaction from you whenever other women are around which you have not yet given him. So maybe he keeps at it? Who knows? I do think the ego boost comes from you worshipping him, him knowing this and doing whatever he wants because he feels there would be no repercussions.I do think we women need to stand up for ourselves. Show him you are a fighter. Give him a run for his money for a change. Be prepared to speak your peace. And then back up your words with actions. Never cry wolf. It will weaken your stance with him. If you are serious about change, and about regaining your lost self esteem and feeling at peace, then I think you need to have a good talk with him. Lay it all out. If he does not change, you leave him. Because your anxiety will continue for as long as you stay with him and for as long as you give him permission to treat you this way. Sometimes we need ultimatums. To know where exactly someone stands. How afraid are they to lose us? Or could they walk away and never look back? Do you really want to waste many more years in this relationship, biting your tongue, until you go insane, all the while he is behaving inappropriately and will never change? It only gets worse. You are already at a breaking point. How much more anxiety can you carry on your shoulders? You are going to crack. You just haven't broken enough or found the right moment... or the straw that broke the camel's back. But it's coming the longer you keep it bottled inside. I suggest a talk with him. Please do not be afraid of losing him. Do not be afraid of being alone or lonely. He is not the only man in the world. You can find somebody who treats you better. As an equal. Who sees everything that you are. I suspect you are a play thing. Sorry. You are like a flower that adorns his jacket. He is proud of the beauty of that flower as well as its fresh, youthful scent. But in reality, that flower is going to wilt. And once it does, he will replace it. He seems to always be looking around him. Never lower yourself or settle for somebody who is not good enough for you. This man seems to be playing you. He knows exactly what he is doing. Now it is time to take your power back.Tell him you are not happy with these behaviours. And if they do not change, you will be moving on.If he changes and does not soon revert back to his old ways, you might be able to make a go of it. But if he does appease you temporarily yet fall back into his bad behaviour, then there should be no more chances.I wish you well.You DESERVE to be happy with a man whose universe revolves around YOU. NOT the other way around.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWiseOwlE,Thank you. Yes he has a wealth of fabulous qualities and I respect him immensely, and yes...he is VERY charming. VERY. I appreciate that quality within him BUT, you are correct when you voiced that perhaps he would give the same treatment to any woman, as I too have wondered that. My ultimate aspiration is to always be 150% content with myself as no individual should ever be granted power over my emotions, however, it saddens me that I have this much anxiety over someone who I feel such a strong connection. It seems extremely conflicting. He does not define my worth; I am completely capable of creating happiness from within with or without him apart of my life, however, if I am to share my life so intimately with someone, I wholeheartedly expect for them to treat me with the utmost kindness and respect in ALL aspects, which means treating me as someone they find special in their life, rather than another beautiful woman who happened to fall for him. In the meantime, my goal is to continue to work on myself and keep looking towards the future as well as living in this moment because this moment may be all I have. Thank you both for your insight. Thank you!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2016): My dear, many women who write to DC tend to lower their self-worth; while raising their men or partners to the point of worship and adoration. They idolize their partners, giving them seemingly supernatural attributes; while lowering themselves to nothing more than a possession or piece of property.
News flash! He's human. He may be a list of things, none of them is "perfection." He's a good man, perhaps based on many good qualities. I first of all don't really think going to a close female friend for massages is all that cool. Nor do I find staring down every pretty woman in-front of you shows you proper respect as his girlfriend.
I think you bit off more than you can chew with this man; and knowing you idolize him as you do, he feels immortal and his ego must be out of this world. I sense he sweet-talks you and can be quite charming; buttering you up to getaway with murder.
Your jealousy comes from an insecurity that he doesn't value you on an equal level. Not completely so much that your self-esteem is deflated by your own insecurity; as it is lowered by his outward and blatant attention to other women. He's a man and he has eyes. He will see and appreciate beauty. His eyes do not have to stare, it sends you the message he's not content with what he has.
I will remind you that jealousy will make you hypersensitive and will grow when not kept under control. I feel he stokes your insecurity; because you are more into him than he demonstrates that he's into you. He's very nice to you, but all his charm and flattery probably is shared easily with any other women he chooses. I will give you some benefit of the doubt that your jealousy may have some merit. It may be a feeling of disrespect rather, not just childish possessiveness.
Your description of him compared to how you rate yourself is unhealthy. Not wanting to go out with him publicly is due to his display of disrespect for you when he's out with you. You feed his ego by praising him too much.
You fear telling him about your discomforts will anger him and you'll fall from favor. You are the other half of a relationship, and your feelings and discomforts are to be explained and resolved with compromise. You are his equal. You must be mindful of this always. If he's so good, and has chosen you, it is because you possess the qualities he needs and feel he deserves. Never ever forget that, sweetheart.
If he gets caught in a stare, clear your throat or take his arm. Hold his hand. Not in a way you show possession, but in a loving way. A gentle distraction and reminder of your feelings; and right to feel respected and appreciated.
Suggest he find himself a new masseur, and just be friends with his current masseuse. Men give good massages too. If he insists it must be a woman, or her, that may be an indication there is a sexual side to it. Don't let him give you some crap he doesn't want a man touching him. Real professional massages are for therapeutic reasons; and isn't groping, unless that's what you're paying for.
Tell him exactly what you have explained to us, but do it with dignity. Not like you're a child pleading for daddy's approval, but as a woman telling her man he has to show her respect when out in public.
You have been uncomfortable about some woman who is a close friend stroking and rubbing him so regularly; and you can handle your insecurities much better if he is willing to understand what and how you feel.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2016): HiI don't know quite where to begin because you don't seem to have one clue that he is VERY probably doing this on purpose. You are 100% blaming yourself when you should be 100% blaming him.Look at this from his point of view for one minute. He is 15 years older than you. You sound lovely. Guess what? The insecurity is all his. Which is why he makes sure that you see him checking other women out. Which is why he does it. He WANTS to make you feel this way. Insecure. He knows that if he can make you feel insecure and jealous, then you will give him more value and you are less likely to leave him. He has no interest in the other women, he only wants you to feel insecure.By the way, who told you that the woman giving him a weekly massage is a close personal friend? Was it him, perhaps? Forgive me for saying this but he is controlling and manipulating your emotions so that your confidence is less and you are less likely to leave him. You sound so sweet, but also incredibly innocent and naïve and gullible if you don't realise that this is a very common tactic used in relationships when one partner wants to control the other one. Can you see it yet?Why does he keep mentioning female friends to you? Why does he tell a story about an ex girlfriend of his? Why is the person who gives him a weekly massage a close female friend??? You are perfectly within your rights to feel unhappy hearing all this.Come on. Take your rose coloured specs off and smell the coffee. He is doing this on purpose to hurt you!! This is called emotional abuse. Ask yourself why would you feel this extreme discomfort if he wasn't behaving in a way that made you feel like this? Are you a very jealous, irrational person? It's plain to hear in you post that you're not. The very opposite in fact. I'm sorry to deliver this news about your boyfriend to you when you obviously have no clue as to what kind of man he really is. I bet he's wondering what on earth he has to do to get a reaction from you! I'm also wondering if there is other behaviour he exhibits that you don't like and blame yourself for. He must think all his birthdays and Christmases have come at once when he realises you don't suspect him of foul play at all. I want to help you, not make you feel worse and you will feel better eventually when you see him for what he really is. It will probably take some time as it is hard to believe I know. I've been there. My ex who I was with for five years was handsome, funny, generous, charismatic etc etc etc. Waited on me hand and foot, took care of me, cooked for me every night. He was also ABUSIVE and used this exact same tactic on me. When I read the beginning of your post it could have been me writing. In the end I stayed in, while he went out. I told him the pain of imagining what he was doing was less than the pain of seeing it or expecting it. The thing was he never actually DID anything!! He was totally faithful I believe. He was always around mutual friends when he went out and also with friends of mine. But he made me feel just as your boyfriend is making you feel right now. You have my sympathy. I also realised that my ex was painting me as very jealous and possessive and would do things to set me up to make me look that way. For example asking me if I would accompany him across a venue so he could talk to an old female friend who I had no insecurity about because he always behaved normally around her. He said he didn't want to have to talk to anyone else so would I walk him to her and stay while he chatted and then accompany him back. This was strange I thought, but did as he asked. It was only ages afterwards when I realised about other things he'd done, that I realised he could now tell people that I wouldn't allow him to walk anywhere unless I was with him and couldn't chat to other women unless I was present. He could present himself as the subject of my irrational insecurity. This woman in question, who had become a friend of mine, now no longer talks to me.There is a whole aspect of relationships which you have no knowledge of. You are so innocent as you don't suspect a thing. It's called abuse and I strongly advise that you read up on this subject in all its forms, emotional abuse, mental abuse,(you already know the pain of those), verbal abuse and physical abuse. Don't want to worry you further but they often all follow one another. Though this could take years. I know you will find it hard to believe that your boyfriend is practising abuse on you, but please believe me when I tell you that I believe he is. Read up on it and educate yourself about it. It will help you understand what is happening and help you to make a decision as to what to do about it. My strong advice is to leave him. He doesn't and NEVER WILL make you happy. This is his doing, not yours. You are not at fault here. Good luck x
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (6 November 2016):
 Does he realize how much his constant checking-out of other women upsets and unsettles you? It is not "burdening him" if you just bring it up and explain to him how his behaviour makes you feel. We all react differently to things and it may be that previous girlfriends did not have an issue with him doing this so he just assumes you are ok with hit too.
Could you learn to laugh it off and even join in with him by saying things like "Wow, she's got terrific legs" and things like that? I can promise you, if you could do this, you would soon start to feel far less threatened by these women who probably have no interest in your bloke whatsoever (and probably don't even realize he is checking them out).
Can you learn to do massages and offer to do his weekly massage so that he has no need to go to his "close" female friend? In return he could learn to give you a massage as well to bring you both closer.
Feeling insecure because he mentions women from his past is really something you are going to have to learn to deal with yourself. Keep reminding yourself he is with YOU now, he has CHOSEN to be with YOU and these women are in his past for a reason.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI absolutely agree with your statements...thank you so much for providing such a thoughtful answer.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2016): Why are you blaming yourself for his behaviour? It is not gentlemanly or acceptable for a partner to be checking out other women ie every semi attractive woman he sees. Do not make excuses for this ir the old chestnut "Men are visual creatures" either. Your feelings are real and if he is your best friend then you should be able to talk to him about this. He needs to realise that this might be a deep grained bad habit and he doesn't even realise how it affects you.We are all different. Some women accept that their partners drink, smoke, gamble, watch excessive porn etc. The list is endless and no man or woman is perfect. Please do not blame yourself here. Somthing within you feels uneasy and not right. Talk it through and see if his behaviour changes. If he cant curb his wandering eye then he might not be so wonderful after all. Give him a chance.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2016): Why are you blaming yourself for his behaviour? It is not gentlemanly or acceptable for a partner to be checking out other women ie every semi attractive woman he sees. Do not make excuses for this ir the old chestnut "Men are visual creatures" either. Your feelings are real and if he is your best friend then you should be able to talk to him about this. He needs to realise that this might be a deep grained bad habit and he doesn't even realise how it affects you.We are all different. Some women accept that their partners drink, smoke, gamble, watch excessive porn etc. The list is endless and no man or woman is perfect. Please do not blame yourself here. Somthing within you feels uneasy and not right. Talk it through and see if his behaviour changes. If he cant curb his wandering eye then he might not be so wonderful after all. Give him a chance.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2016): While you may find him wonderful his behaviour towards you isnt making you feel good about yourself. In fact it is steadily undermining you to the point where you dont want to be embarrassed by him in public because you know he has the potential to do so.He isnt as wonderful as you believe because this relationship is all about him and you are just another part of his fan club.Wouldnt it be wonderful if you had a man who was interested enough in you to pay you attention only when you are out together.It is extremely bad manners for a man to check out other women when you are out.It shows he is egocentric and unconcerned about your feelings.It is reason enough to dump him off with the nearest woman available but you are using tender emotions on keeping him by avoiding such embarrassement.How you live your life is up to you but you have the potential to be truly loved and appreciated by someone if you learn to recognise when someone actually values you enough to not hurt your feelings publicly.
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