A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating my boyfriend for three years. In these past three years, he has not has a job, is extremely lazy, relied on me and family to support him. I was on the verge of breaking up with him, then he went to the Doctor's and said he was diagnosed with ADHD. His Doctor precribed Adderral to him, which is a drug for ADHD. I can't help but feel that ADHD is his 'excuse' for not holding a job and being responsible for his own life and finances. He says I'm cruel to say that about him. I did research and read the symptoms of ADHD and he does have over 50% of those symptoms. Aren't these ADHD symptoms also just symptoms of a lazy person?Chronic lateness and forgetfulnessLow self-esteemProblems at workTrouble controlling angerImpulsivenessUnorganizedProcrastinationMood swings
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 November 2016):
 Of course life goes on. And coping... well for a long time I just kind of winged it. And life was not so great.
Finally I learned a lot of good coping Techniques such as the ones listed in book "Adventures in Fast Forward"
I now always hang my keys on a hook by the door. Never have to look for my keys again.
Laundry is done every weekend whether I need it or not.
Lists help
Alarms help
letting my husband do our budget helps
being open and honest about it helps. I embrace my differences and often will explain to friends or co-workers that I've got ADHD and this is how it affects me.
I'm very lucky that I work for the Federal Government they are very supportive of disabilities.
I over compensate for running late by trying to be early. that usually gets me there on time.
I have hopes I have dreams I have always tried to do my best.
It sounds like your BF has more than ADHD going on.
While I am quite the shopper and I would buy things I wanted without worrying about the money (till I learned to budget which is very hard for ADHD folks) I did not sleep all day and i did not just watch tv etc.
he may have depression along with his ADHD. I know I do.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2016): Dear So Very Confused,I am the OP. If you don't mind me asking - how do you cope with work, family, and every day life? At some point, life must go on, right? We are both still so young, it can't be possible that this is the rest of our lives!I know that I'm not sensitive enough or compassionate enough to this illness. Because to me - we are young and should strive to work as hard as we can in order to have a better future. I work one, sometimes two or even three jobs when there is an opportunity to do so. I remember everything! I analyze, prioritize, and have my life and schedule in good order. But he's the total opposite. This didn't just develop, he's been like this from the first day I met him. Only in the first year or two, we were in our honeymoon phase and although I saw those traits, I didn't care... but now as we are more settled into our relationship and we look toward the future, I point out these issues and his response is he has been seeing a Doctor about his ADHD. I am fully aware that the Doctor won't prescribe a medication for a sympton he does not have... However, the symptoms of ADHD and that of a lazy person lacking motivation is so similar, it's difficult to tell the difference.I sound horrible when I say this - I want an awesome future with someone who has goals and dreams and is full of life and ambitious and motivated. Not someone who only likes to sleep, eat, and watch TV.... He's also quite materialistic.. He shops online all the time for brand name clothing... Only Brand Name - with money he doesn't even have!! I'm frugal when it comes to clothing, I only buy when it's on sale.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 November 2016):
ADHD is not an excuse it is an explanation.
I have ADHD I was first diagnosed with it in 1969 at Johns Hopkins Hospital. They still called it Minimal Brain Dysfunction back then. It was a step up from Minimal Brain Damage.
I was one of the first girls ever put on Ritalin. Back then they didn't know we didn't outgrow ADHD so I when I hit puberty all the meds were stopped. To this day I have learned to cope mostly without meds but with a lot of good behavior therapy. ADHD is actually harder for women than men as we have that whole monthly hormonal thing going on.
I tell you this so that you understand that I know what I am speaking about.
There are some GREAT BOOKS on ADHD. It affects our ability to
work
manage a home
manage money
manage a relationship or interact with others
maintain a job or keep a decent GPA in school
ADHD is an illness. IT is a NEUROBIOCHEMICAL disorder that is not his fault.
I suggest you educate yourself about ADHD with books such as:
Anything by Kathleen G. Nadeau. https://www.amazon.com/Kathleen-G.-Nadeau/e/B001K8AMKE I worked extensively with her and several of her books include my story.
I also suggest anything by Edward Hallowell. Driven to Distraction is a great starting point.
The book 'you mean I'm not lazy stupid or crazy" is also a good one https://www.amazon.com/dp/B003719FSW/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
and the one that will help you understand how ADHD impacts social and financial aspects of our lives is What does Everybody know that I don't https://www.amazon.com/What-Does-Everybody-Else-Know/dp/1886941343
happy reading.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2016): You're assuming a whole lot about his condition without walking in his shoes.You do not know what he is going through. You are simply making judgements because you feel slighted.He may have a lot on his plate. You cannot get inside his head. People with conditions like this go through a lot of crap. It ain't easy. I suspect he may have other underlying conditions. Has he ever been tested for other conditions? I am going to venture a guess that depression is one of them. And depression is the MOST debilitating of them all. Perhaps he needs to look into this. Has the drug actually helped him? Does he take it regularly? Has he reported back to his doctor about whether or not it is working? He may need a different dosage or a different drug altogether?Either way, it seems you are ready to throw in the towel. I hope he has family and friends to support him as he will definitely need it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2016): I think if he has been professionally evaluated, diagnosed, and prescribed medication; he is not just a lazy person. He has a true medical disorder.
I have to be blunt about this. You want to justify leaving him and have to somehow blame him for it. You'd otherwise feel guilty for leaving him, just because he's "sick."
My dear, you don't have to remain with someone you're not happy with as some noble gesture and/or to avoid judgment from others. He is a person with a real mental-health disorder and naturally he feels different and he may not feel he is equipped to maintain a job. Not knowing him, none of us can tell you who he really is, or why he doesn't want to hold down a job. There is no reason for you to remain with him or financially support him if you don't want to.
No one has to give you the permission to move on and to find another boyfriend. You can still base your decision on the fact, regardless of his impairments, that he is otherwise not a good boyfriend.
You want and deserve more, and should put yourself first. He'll get along, even if he has to apply for disability benefits. That is, if his mental impairment can be proven to be of the severity he is unable to work and function well enough to support himself.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 November 2016):
 I don't see what the symptoms you quote , except for procrastination, have to do at all with being lazy .
For instance I am a lazy person ( not pathologically lazy, not outrageously lazy, but yeah,... quite lazy )yet I am a very punctual person and I have an excellent memory.
And why a lazy type should have trouble controlling anger ? What's anger,and anger management, got to do with level of activity ?...And impulsive ? Lazy people are very seldom also impulsive, they like give themselves plenty of time to do things, including making decisions, selecting among different choices etc.
Still, I agree that there's a fine line between "can't " and " won't ". If he has ADHD ( or depression, anxiety, BPD, etc.etc- a sea of other mental and emotional disturbances) that does not mean that he CANNOT work or CANNOT acquire marketable skils. Only that he will find it more difficult than the average person and will have to put more effort into it.
How much more effort is a reasonable and manageable quantity of effort.... unluckily it's a rather subjective thing.
For instance , if I heard someone say " Oh I can't do job interviews because I am cripplingly shy " my gut reaction would be a big " Tough luck, kiddo. That just means that you will find the process of job hunting quite unpleasant . But, who said that life HAS always to be pleasant ?! A couple of sleepless nights , or a knot in your stomach, have never killed anybody, so , accept that you are going to feel like s..t at job interviews and drag your shy butt over there anyway and pronto! ".
But, while I am saying this, I realize maybe I am not being enough generous or understanding. SOME people are just too self indulgent, too " delicate ", too spoiled for wanting to challenge themselves, and get out of their comfort zone. And some others - just CAN'T: to the point they'd rather stay broke, bored and unemployed , which is no great fun , rather than exceeding the " safe " limits they have felt the need to stay within so far.
Either way- whether it's a " won't " or a "can't " - you do not have to like it, you do not have to take it and you do not have to accept it. You are an aspiring girlfriend, not an aspiring Red Cross nurse , or social worker. If he can't support himself ( and you are not willing or able to support him ) , that maybe be not his fault- but it is nor your fault either , and if one of your dealbreaker is " not hardworking " and " not financially responsibile ".... there you have it- the deal is broken anyway, and if it was broken because of a flaw of nature, or because of his willing choice, I don't see , at the end of the day, that it makes much difference.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 November 2016):
 The Adderall should start to work within 4-6 weeks IF he actually has ADHD. But medication alone isn't going to help him much. It might calm him down a bit but that is about it. You are NOT going to see a whole other person.
I have seen kids with diagnosed ADHD NOT be affected (behavior wise) with Adderal and Ritalin. And I have seen kids go from 150 mph to zombies on ADHD meds.
I have however NEVER met a "lazy" ADHD person. EVER. They ALWAYS have stuff going on.
The list of symptoms you mention can be seen in ANYONE regardless of diagnosing of ADHD.
Chronic lateness and forgetfulness
Low self-esteem
Problems at work
Trouble controlling anger
Impulsiveness
Unorganized
Procrastination
Mood swings
These symptoms sound more like a depressed person than a person with ADHD - HOWEVER, I'm not a medical doctor. I have just dealt with depression in the past.
Here is the thing, though, OP - it REALLY doesn't matter WHAT his diagnosis it. IF you feel like it's NOT working out for you being with him anymore, then DON'T be with him.
You have spent 3 years trying to make it work and from what you write you have matured and grown, HE hasn't. And that happens. IT IS OK to say, you know what? This relationship is no longer making me happy. It feels draining, emotionally and financially.
I think this is WHO he is. Unmotivated, lack of ambitions, no big goals or dreams that he wants to chase. Seems like he is not totally unhappy being stuck in a rut of being "taken care" off by others in his mid-20's and he might be OK with it in his 30's too and 40's. Nothing to DO with the ADHD.
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A
female
reader, RubyBirtle  +, writes (6 November 2016):
Not all of the ADHD symptoms you list are necessarily the traits of a person who's simply lazy. Lazy people don't always have anger management problems. impulsivity, mood swings or low self-esteem. So your boyfriend probably does have ADHD - I doubt very much that he would have been prescribed Adderral otherwise.
But lots of people do use their diagnoses to avoid things that society expects of them whether the diagnosis is depression, bi-polar disorder, aspergers or anxiety.
If this is the case with your boyfriend... you're probably in a better place to judge than the aunties on here. But whether it's a case of "can't" or "won't" in this instance, I doubt that your boyfriend is going to become a reliable wage-earner any time soon - especially if he has made no effort to look for work or make himself "more employable" in the last three years. So if this is important to you, I think your relationship is at the end of the road.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (6 November 2016):
 If he's been given meds for it, he probably has it. That doesn't mean he can't/shouldn't work, but you shouldn't be so dismissive, either.
You're at the end of the road. You need to leave or lay out what you need from him: him to start working and get therapy, if he's struggling. If he doesn't get therapy and start working in a few months, you're back to leaving.
He may have ADHD, but he also doesn't seem to be ambitious or motivated, so that's just who he is and not what you want in a guy.
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