A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I create drama in my relationship because I'm insecure and jealous. And I'm on the last leg with my boyfriend because he hates being treated like he's done something wrong just because I feel insecure and paranoid. Any advice on how I can get past this? I was humiliated and told I was wrong from aged 3 to age 12 by a girl who bullied me (my cousin) if that helps..? I feel like I'm ruining the best relationship I've ever had
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2013): OP here. Thank you all for your great advice. I'm going to start by writing in a diary. I just hope he forgives me this last fight. He's very angry.... :-(
A
female
reader, againstmyself  +, writes (30 October 2013):
As an extremely jealous and insecure person who nearly ruined my own marriage, I can say that it is possible to change your ways. I used to snoop on my husband, check his phone, his emails and his social media profiles. I was so jealous that I created problems that weren't even there to begin with. I accused him of cheating, even though I had no solid evidence, and it almost ended our marriage.That was a wake up call for me. My husband is a great man. I would hate to be snooped on, so I made myself stop snooping on him. I still get jealous, but now, I just hold it in and release my frustrations in something more productive like a hobby.You'll probably never be able to completely let go of jealousy, since you've been this way your whole life, but you can definitely control it and stop it from ruining your life and relationships
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (30 October 2013):
You have to always be recognizing the problem and dealing with it in a specific way when it happens. Relax and remind yourself that he's never done anything to deserve your mistrust. In fact, it's probably the opposite.
Remind yourself that instead of preventing infidelity by being jealous and insecure, you're pushing him away, eventually to the arms of another woman.
Also, remember that if he is going to cheat on you, jealousy and insecurity won't prevent it; and it also won't be the end of the world either. There are 3.5 billion guys out there. You may feel like he's the only one for you, but that's simply not true and there is plenty of guys willing to prove it should your relationship not work out.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (30 October 2013):
 Lifetime patterns are hard to break and at your age they have become ingrained into who you are.
There are a few things that I would recommend you do to address the problem:
1) Admit the problem to yourself - and to your significant other. During a non-stressful time, tell your boyfriend that this is something you struggle with and you need him to call you on your BS. That also means that you must be willing to drop every defense you've used your entire life and look at the facts and admit your wrong.
2) Make a log of all the drama you have created. Every day, reflect upon your day and ask yourself "How did this character defect rear it's ugly head today?" Be honest with yourself. You will soon realize there are patterns if you really think about what is driving your actions. If you see yourself causing it -- be prompt to rectify it and apologize.
Being humble will cure this in no time at all.
3) Consider seeing a therapist. It sounds like there is a lot of childhood drama that you have fears and resentments about. Finding a trained professional to talk about it with could really help you. There may be a lot more going on that you don't even realize and having a trained professional in your corner will help expose that and enable you to deal with it.
Hopefully you will take some sort action so that you can be at peace and have the loving relationship that you truly desire.
Eddie
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (29 October 2013):
 Let me repeat what I just read.... "I KNOW that I am jealous and insecure.... and, thereby, am subverting my current relationship.... as I have subverted my past relationships.... Do you (all) suppose that I might ever grow up and get past this?????"
Yes.... you can.... put your mind to it, and do it!!!!
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (29 October 2013):
 Do the opposite of what you've been doing! If you're feeling like questioning him about his whereabouts, do the opposite by wishing him a good time, and mean it!
If you're feeling like you're wanting to snoop through his stuff, tell him how you're feeling and ask him to lock up his phone and change all of his passwords and don't keep any windows up like Facebook.
Do the opposite. If he talks about going out with friends, tell him you hope he has a great time, then get some of your friends and go have the time of your life as well...in a DIFFERENT PLACE.
Think of how a secure confident woman would react or act, and that's what you do! Insecurity always needs reassurance. Security does the reassuring. Tell your boyfriend he looks good, and don't wait for a compliment in return. Do *NOT* ask if you're beautiful, and if he compliments you, don't go fishing for reassurance that it was genuine OR contradict him. Just say thank you and that he made your day.
Do the *OPPOSITE* of what you feel. If you're feeling needy and clingy, back off a bit, get involved in a hobby, and get with friends and have a rich life away from him as well.
So what if you were bullied! Most people were. That was your past. You're not 3-11 anymore. Your cousin can go pound sand.
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