A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:me and my mum have just argued AGAIN. this time is because i said i would be cooking our dinner quite late (7pm) after she was starting to make noises about being hungry (she never cooks) so she snook up to my son's room and gave him a banana and piece of cake, which means that at dinner time he will have no appetite. i got very annoyed at her interference AGAIN and we had 'words' which have resulted in her crying. background info: my mum sold her house and came to live with me and my son years ago coz she couldn't stand to be alone, we have always clashed and even while i was growing up and from birth we were not close, but i feel a duty to her so i let her stay here a few times every week and the rest of the time she is at my elder sisters house (even though there is no spare bedroom here, my son,aged 13 sleeps on a mattress in his room so she can have his bed) i have two sisters but i am the youngest and am the only one she treats this way, like she sees the others are grown up but not me (my 2 sisters are married, i am single.) from the day he was born we have bickered because i feel she interferes a lot and undermines me, she interferes in all other aspects of my life too, doesn't respect my privacy, does not take any notice of anything i say and only recently i have convinced her that she should knock on my bedroom door before entering. i have not managed to convince her yet that she needs to do that before entering my son's room too. she says she 'forgets'.i hate myself for upsetting her, i feel the relationship between us is beyond repair really but i want to try. she does not see that she is doing anything wrong. i feel she presses my buttons and i don't want to react badly anymore. she is the ONLY person in the world that can wind me up like this :(i am 39 she is 78. any suggestions are most welcome Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Denise32  +, writes (30 May 2011):
 The only thing is, your Mother might not be willing to go to counseling - especially if - as is often the case between mothers and daughters (and sons!) she thinks she is in the right. When people get older they often feel they have the wisdom of experience and "you" being younger, should defer to her judgment.......believe me, I know from my own experience with my mother (now 93) that she feels I should respect her, but she doesn't have to respect me ("nonsense, of course you should respect me; I'm older than you").
Another factor, of course, is that your mother may FEEL like she's 18 at some level, BUT as one ages, she can't necessarily do the things she could when she was younger, and then what you might call "the frustration element" kicks in, and you just happen to be a handy "target" for her to vent.......best thing is - and I am still trying to be disciplined enough to do it - is to simply walk away. Literally. When she gets argumentative, don't engage her.....of course, you can and should let her know you don't appreciate her taking snacks to your son, but if you can, just let her know that, and then refuse to take the bait.......not easy.
Maybe if you get some counseling you will be able to pick up useful ways to defuse the situation.......you can't change her; you can only change the way you react.....
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (30 May 2011):
 First, Let me congratulate you on doing the right thing of bringing your mother into your home. So many "children" just quit having anything to do with theit parents at your age. BUT, it is very common in this situation for the roles to suddenly reverse themselves. Your mother now feels like shes the child and you are the adult so to speak. She is much more confused as to how to act and what to do than you are because she is in a dependant mode. She depends on you and you are the the one with the power. I feel bad for the two of you but until you ( the one with the power) can clearly drfine the roles, she will be confused and you will be miserable. You are in charge but use your "power" lovingly like a parent would. God bless the two of you. I just hope my kids will be there for me when my time comes.
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A
male
reader, Drew21  +, writes (30 May 2011):
 You know, this almost seems like a situation where you and your mom could benefit from professional counselling, know what i mean? If she doesn't see anything that she is doing as being wrong or inappropriate in these situations, then maybe getting an outside perspective on the situation may help her see things more clearly.
Her undermining your authority when it comes to dinner and feeding your son when you've said "We are eating at 7pm" is highly inappropriate, and downright just not healthy for anyone!
That would be my suggestion. Seek out some counselling, and get your mother to go with you so that you can talk through your issues in a setting where someone else can help mediate so as to prevent any form of argument.
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