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female
,
anonymous
writes: please please help me!i really need you to reply to my email,im sorry that its so long,but i'm on the verge of losing my boyfriend who is the love of my life.All this is because i have a hard time trusting men,as i've been cheated on alot in the past.I told him from the start that i was a paranoid and jealous person and he said he could live with it,but now he's sayin that he cant.His past has a lot to do with my insecurity too.He's had quite reputation when it comes to women,he used to have alot of 1 nite stands,mostly women from his home town,this makes me feel very insecure.I found out that he had a 1 nite stand the nite before he met me,this makes me feel very betrayed even though it shouldn't because he didn't know me when he did it.i'm very against 1 nite stands.This is goin to sound as though he is under the thumb,but i dont like him goin out with his mates around his home town just incase he see's a lass he's slept with(there is a 9:10 chance that he will)and reminises on what he did with her,i never stop him goin out,but he doesnt go anyway to save arguments.I hate it when lasses approach him too,i get very jealous,and we end up arguing,he doesn't help though cos he winds me up about it,sayin that she was ok lookin etc.I can't stand the thought of him thinking that another woman is attractive,i know this is a fact of life and it cant be helped,i just get so jealous.Another thing that makes me trust him less,is a few weeks ago we were goin through his fone,and he came across a lasses number,out of curiosity i asked who it was,he said it was his sisters old num (the name was the same as his sisters),a few days later i mentioned it again and he slipped up,it turned out it was a lasses number who he used to meet up with for casual sex,i asked why he lied and he said it was for my benefit.He swore that he hadn't contacted her since we had been together and he deleted the num.But if he had nothing to hide,why did he lie to me about it? I must admit that apart from that i have no reason to believe he is doin anything behind my back,as he has moved from his home town to mine, changed his num, swapped his sports car for a family car (we are/were trying for a baby),and changed his job.i just cant seem to trust him,i've told my male friends my problem, just so i can get a male point of view on things,they all say that im been unfair on myself by stayin with him.i've gone into depression,the slighest thing winds me up and makes me cry,but he says he will leave me if i go on antidepressants.he has also become a little violent when he's drunk,a few days ago we were arguing and he headbutted me,he apologised profusely the next day and i forgave him,have i done the right thing? what do i do? i really need your help.
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drunk, insecure, jealous, trying for a baby, violent Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2007): first of all. your problem with not trusting men, is because your a smart lady. No man can be trusted,specially if they 'used to sleep around. trust me, they will never stop'. although i am not proud of it, i used to be one of those girls that used to sleep with everyones boyfriends, fiances and husdbands. and no matter how much of a gentlemen he appears to be, how classy, how honest or shy, or trust worthy, trust me, given the opportunity to sleep with someone else, and not get busted, he will. doesnt matter if you just gave birth to his baby, or he proposed to you five minutes ago. and as for him not wanting you to take anti depressants. if he loved you hed want to help you, hed want you to geve it a go if it helps. dont let him stall you. it can take a long time to find the right pills for you. trial and error. you need someone supportive at your side. a bloke like this will rip your self esteem to bits, and defeat the whole purpose of taking them in the first place. violent you say? trust me. it will only get worse. this guy is abusive. f*** him off i had been in love with an abusive boyfriend aswell. 4 5 years. i took the abuse because i thought thats all i was worth. get some help mate. and surround your self with people that love you unconditionly, not just cos you give good head. good luck mate.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2005):
Put a fork in... its done.
Dont nag the next 'love of your life'
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2005): Hi, reading your story made me feel quite sad. It must be horrible to be so insecure that its controlling your life and pushing your boyfriend away. To be truthfull i think that everyone sometimes is insecure, i know i am but the way to handel it is definatley not arguing, crying, having fits of rage at your boyfriend when the problem really boiles down to you and your feelings, dont get me wrong im not having a go at you but you need to learn something, men love strong, confident women, men dont love blubbering insecure women. Men want to be trusted and feel they can go out for a night with the lads without hassel from their girlfriend. If your boyfriend is going to cheat on you then trust me no matter what, he will do it, if you constantly acuse him of cheating there is a much much higher chance that he will think oh well she thinks im doing it so i am just gona go out there and cheat. I go to clubs with my boyfriend and i see girls approach him and it reminds me of how lucky i am to have him, i see him chat to them yer maybe flirt a bit but i know that hes coming home to me. So hun try to get over it and help yourself get it together coz whos gona wana cheat and loose a fabulous confident women like yourself? x
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A
female
reader, lillaum  +, writes (15 November 2005):
 Hi there
NO ONE HAS ANY RIGHT TO HARM YOU!!! He is lucky you didnt cal the cops. If you are depressed and advised to go on antidepressants, don't not take them because your BF tells you not to. One day those little tablets might just save your life!!
You do seem very insecure but that is totally understandable. Once bitten twice shy. But this guy, although he may not be cheating on you, doesn't seem all that nice. He is violent and manipulative. He knows how you feel about him talking to other women and he teases you about it making things worse!!
Honey, this guy is not doing you any favours. You need someone who understands and respects you.
I think maybe you should talk to someone about how you deal with your suspitions and jealousy, maybe counselling would be good for you. There is no shame in it.
Depression is a very difficult illness to live with. some days you can wake up and feel great other day's you can wake up and want to kill yourself.
Forget about this man and concentrate on getting yourself well again.
Good Luck
Lots Of Love
Lillaum x
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2005): "he has also become a little violent when he's drunk,a few days ago we were arguing and he headbutted me"...when you read that does it seem right? If it was someone else what would you tell them to do? I think you know the eventual outcome regardless of who's 'fault' it is
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2005): Please, stop trying for a baby.
Whether or not he is cheating on you, behavior like yours drives men nuts and will likely drive him away. He is an adult person in his own right, not a parolee who has to check in. Its already to the point where he feels he cant tell you things honestly because you wont be able to handle them. And you feel you have to forbid them things, go through his cell phone, sneak around and check up on his statements and 'find out things'.
It honestly sounds like dealing with your current behavior and moods is very frustrating. And thats why you got headbutted. Given your situation I can't see any reason why you should be with a guy like him. Worst possible fit. But take this oppertunity to go back and assess your past relationships. Did they all cheat on you or did you drive them away?
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A
female
reader, shania +, writes (15 November 2005):
 Oh my!This relationship spells trouble.Yes,you are insecure with every good reason but i dont like the sound of your fella.He might be telling the truth but then again he might not.Please dont try for a baby,it would be crazy bringing a child in to this world,its not going to solve your problems.Another thing,no man should hit a woman.If he has done it to you once he can do it to you again.These numbers in his pockets,seem a bit odd.No,i dont trust him either.Walk away from this relationship,its dangerous.Plus get some counselling and then start afresh,with no violence involved.
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A
female
reader, cymruhun +, writes (14 November 2005):
i think u need to get out of this relationship for ur own good, i think u need 2 learn 2 love yourself and respect yourself.if u wernt insecure in yourself you wouldnt be insecure in your relationship. as for him headbutting u, sorry but theres no excuse for it, he can apologise all he wants, hes going 2 do it time and time again coz u av forgiven him. get out for your own physical and mental wellbeing.
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