| A
male
,
*ickle
writes: Hi, I am having some serious relationship problems with my girlfriend.I have been with her for nearly 18 months now and I love her deeply.The problem seems to be my insecurities, I have never really been particularly lucky in love, I put in my all and always seem to get hurt. But with my present girl I thought I had found the one, until recently.....Initially I had a problem with all her male friends, I couldn't get my head round it but she said she understood and stuck with me. A few months ago her ex-husband asked her back, she split from him over 4 years ago. He split with his girlfriend at christmas and has been trying to get my girl back. At the time I talked to her about it and she said she was considering it for the sake of their children. The children have, recently, been getting very upset about missing their Dad. I told her that I thought that he was saying things to them as they say things that seem a bit 'grown up' to me (i.e. Her 4 year old asking if she was 'in love' with me or Daddy) and I never noticed it when he was with his girlfriend, she said that she disagreed and he wouldn't do that, we agreed to disagree. I told her I loved her and wasn't prepared to just let her go as I loved her dearly. So, basically I just stuck in there hoping things would go my way.Unfortunatley, I have struggled with it recently and we are on the brink of splitting up. We talked and she said it was my insecurities that had pushed her away (I constantly ask her if things are ok and I can be very down) and she couldn't handle it. I told her that I felt that way because of the situtation the three of us were in and she said that the situation was just to do with me and her and the insecurities had always been there (male friends etc). I have asked over the past few months if she wanted out to go back to him and everytime she has said no!We have a lot in common and do a lot of outdoor pursuits but recently it has gone very sour, I know she loves me and I am quite aware that I am very insecure sometimes, scarred by my past probaly. i don't want to have all these worries in my head anymore but I don't want to lose her either.....
View related questions:
christmas, her ex, insecure Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (3 July 2006):
 It's difficult to know when instinct is being shouted down by emotion. We have so much emotional investment in some relationships that the emotions themselves become our enemy. Being very passionate by nature, I've fallen victim to the enemy more than a few times and it sometimes takes me over a day to realize it.
As painful as it feels right now, you have chosen the right path, and I hope you walk away from this forum with the sense that your time here helped you to think more clearly. If in the future you think you need to hear the straight goods you know where to come :)
A
male
reader, bickle +, writes (3 July 2006):
bickle is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWild thaing, thanks again for the reply.
The oddest thing for me in all that is happening is that I do actually trust her. It may sound strange, almost backward, but I do. When she goes out with her friends or even when I don't see her, i do not spend my time wondering what she is up to, only that I hope she is having a ball!
I know that she is being true to me and i know she would never do wrong by me too!
Sounds odd doesn't it!?
Maybe I am just used to losing in love and since the reappearance of her ex I am fearing the worse and I've put my defences up. It is something that I am going to spend a lot of time thinking about during our seperation. I hope I can come to a conclusion and to be honest i hope that it is not too late.
Thanks again.
...............................
A
male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (3 July 2006):
Bickle, I regret that you felt that my words were harsh - I agree that they were. But based on your subsequent replies you are choosing an encouraging path that gives you the best chance to mend your relationship. Furthermore you may find some inner peace during your separation, and this is the most important thing of all.
I tend not to sugar coat my responses on this forum - I'm not here for high approval ratings and I'm not here to tell people what they want to hear; I'm here to respond in a forthright manner and when required, call it as I see it.
Lack of trust is a relationship killer (romantic or not), and I'm sorry if my delivery of that message rubs you the wrong way. But I do care about what happens to people who ask the questions on this forum. I hope things work out for you.
...............................
A
male
reader, bickle +, writes (3 July 2006):
bickle is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAmelia. Thank you for the reply to my post.
I have taken the step to instigate a trial seperation form my girl. It was certainly a very hard thing to do but I know it is for the best as we both need to do some soul searching and discover exactly what is happening in our hearts. I am that things will turn out for the best, one way or the other.
Many thanks again
...............................
A
male
reader, bickle +, writes (3 July 2006):
bickle is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMatron. Thank you for your reply to my post.
It has certainly highlighted what I already knew I had to do.
I have decided to have a break from my girl to give us both space to think and understand what is happening in our lives.
It was certainly a very hard and immotional thing to suggest but I know that we need to sort things one way or another.
Thanks again.
...............................
A
male
reader, bickle +, writes (3 July 2006):
bickle is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWild Thaing, thank you for the reply to my post.
My god, what a total character assasination!! I am fully aware of how I have been, but I feel your reply was a very harsh with the information I have given.
I was FULLY aware of the 'BAGGAGE' (as you so bluntly put it)when I entered the relationship. I took a lot of time getting to know her before we even considered involving the children and I can honestly say that I was the one who slowed things down initially. I now totally adore these kids and I know they me. I know this may sound alien to you as you have already said that you know no one who would take on such 'BAGGAGE' how very shallow.
I am a 36year old adult, night a 'fly by night' juvenile. You certainly cannot choose who you fall in love with, it happens when it happens and, my god, it happened with this girl. Maybe you have not had the good fortune to meet someone who has totally blown your world away. I pity you.
I do agree that children are a great source of insight, but I have certainly NOT ingnored theirs, I am no fool and I know what I have seen and the change in the children coincided with the request from her ex. the man who left her 2 weeks before the birth of her child, the man who had been having an affair with her best mate.
In closing I will say that it is more than obvious to me that you have not had the good fortune to have a deep loving relationship. A relationship that you are willing to do anything to save, maybe I envy you, who knows.
I thank you again for your reply and I wish you the best of luck too.
...............................
A
male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (1 July 2006):
"i don't want to have all these worries in my head anymore but I don't want to lose her either....."
You don't ask for much, do you?
In your partner's mind, the romantic relationship with you is pretty much over. This girl brought the ultimate baggage into a relationship - a failed marriage AND her kids. YOU chose to ignore the fact that these two things would always be part of her life. Not many people I know would choose a relationship with this kind of baggage, and fewer still are mentally equipped to deal with it in a healthy and supportive way.
But the failure of your relationship has little to do with her baggage - it really is all about YOU and your utter lack of trust in her judgement. This is the source of insecurity, and lack of trust that causes this insecurity probably extends into areas of your life that have nothing to do with her.
You now have choices ahead of you, and none will save your relationship in the short term. You can choose to let her go to find her way in life, and be a supportive friend during this process. Or you can choose to hang on until you have completely destroyed your relationship. If you choose the former, you will also give yourself the chance to find YOUR way in life, and if you do find your way, she might choose to be with you again. If you choose the latter, you won't learn anything about yourself until after the relationship is destroyed.
Children are wonderful sources of insight. When that 4-year old asked mommy who she was in love with, this child was merely tapping into instinct. The child knows that mommy is struggling with an internal conflict and is asking the clear question. If you are discrediting a child's instinct then it says much about how you do NOT listen to YOUR instinct.
If you don't find a way to start trusting any partner's judgement, you are doomed to repeat this failure in future relationships. Good luck and take care.
...............................
A
female
reader, matron +, writes (30 June 2006):
 Then listen to what she is telling you, dont let your imagination get the better of you and enjoy the relationship.
Dont ever try to tell your g/f negative things about her ex cause if she's still got a good relationship with him (which is good for the childrens sake if nothing else)she wont thank you for your comments, remember she once loved him and he's the father of her children, if she feels you are saying things out of spiteful jealousy she will defend him at what ever cost.
If you want things to work out between you, try to support your partner not put a wedge between you thats pushing you apart. Her ex will always be in the picture because of the children try to get used to it for all your sakes.
...............................
A
female
reader, amelia +, writes (30 June 2006):
I think you should have a time out from each other and let he miss you. She needs to need you again, and this will help to make you feel more secure, it sounds like she is blaming you for what is not really your insecurities. Of course you will feel unsettled - she was married for god sake and had kids with someone else, she should understand it from your perspective too and be reassuring you. Tell her you need some time apart - however paifnul this may seem and see if you can liev without each other. During this time do lots of activities with your friends to keep you busy and give her the space to decide if she wants to go back to her husband. Otherwise these insecutiries and doubts will keep lingering on and lets face it LIFE IS SHORT! X
...............................
|
