A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating a guy for about 9 months who's 20 years older than me. I've been taking it slow because I was married for 7 years before this and I've been a bit nervous about a new relationship after my husband cheated on me (resulting in the separation). I'm not particularly concerned about the age gap although I know some people will be.The guy I'm dating is a very good looking guy. He has said that he would like to make it official in the next few months but that I would need to trust him because he has a lot of female friends that he chats to regularly. He said if I can't trust him with that, then there's no point in us being together. He also said that he would not get concerned about me talking to younger men and that he would put his trust in me.I know it may sound silly because what he is saying is a good thing and he's right - we have to trust one another and he has said from the start that he has a lot of female friends (my age and older) that I would need to accept but after what happened with my husband cheating on me with two of my friends, I am wondering whether I should carry this on because I'm scared of trusting again and having that trust broken. I get insecure and jealous so I am worried that I will get funny about him talking to other women. I know my concerns could be irrational but it's just because of what I've been through already.Could someone give me some advice as to whether I should make it official with him or whether I should end it now because I will get too insecure about the female friends? Some of the girls in question are really attractive and that's why I get worried about it. I'm not a bad looking person, I would say, but my irrational thinking always comes in to play with "Well, why would he want to stick around with me when she's there and she looks like that..." etc.Thanks in advance.
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female
reader, OldSoulGirl  +, writes (21 July 2019):
I know I’m late here, but I’m still throwing in my two cents... if you’re still with him.
You should ask him to introduce you to his female friends. Observe how they act and how he acts around them. If there are questionable mannerisms, then you should consider leaving the relationship. No one in their right mind wants to feel uncomfortable with their partner acting flirty with his/her friends... even if no physical cheating is going on. It’s a matter of self-respect if you choose to stay with someone like that.
Insecurity is one of the biggest relationship killers whether or not you’re “attractive”.
But you should think of ending it if you really feel strongly about you’re uncertainty. He wants to make it official but you don’t. He won’t stick around much longer if he feels like you’re using him. You’re both adults and I’m sure neither of you want to continue wasting more time with the “wrong” person. Kids play around like that but adults have responsibilities to worry about. Dating takes a backseat to other aspects like home and job.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2019): I think you could give it a try with him, but insist that you must meet these female friends of his. If all is really on the level and they are just friends, then they should have no issue with including you in their friend group. You can see first hand how they all interact, and then if you are still uncomfortable you could call it quits. It is possible for a man to have female friends, and for a woman to have male friends, it just has to be very transparent to their significant others. As long as your boyfriend puts your feelings first, and keeps you informed about everything he has going on with his friends, including inviting you along, then I think you should be able to move forward. Even though you have been hurt in the past, not everyone is a cheater like your ex-husband. Go slow, and be forthcoming with your feelings, but give it a try. I hope your new boyfriend is trustworthy and honest, you deserve someone who is.BestR
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2019): It is not quite normal for a straight man, to have a large collection of lady friends, which he expects his girifriend/fiance/wife to accept! This should be a big red flag to you OP! Cheating is rampant and comes in two categories. There is the premeditated serial cheater who is always on the hunt, but there is the opportunistic cheater too. To have your beloved constantly exposed to lady friends, is presenting him with constant opportunities, with her flirty words, her sweet perfume, short skirt, tight pants, sexual inuendo, her braless form, and the guessing games about the color of her panties or if she is even wearing any, and oh yes, whether she shaves, waxes, or trims her bush! Unless they are lifelong friends from childhood, platonic he and she friends, is a long dreamed of myth! Men have almost NO control of their penis, and a stiff penis has no conscience! That is a fact of life. If the lady friends do not exit, then you should! A good man should not have temptation as his close friend! Bless You!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2019): Any woman in your shoes would feel insecure. I think you should leave him now. It will only get worse. He needs this circle of female friends to validate him. You will never feel like you're enough or good enough for this kind of a man. You will always be in competition with other women. So not worth it. He's not worth it by placing you in this position!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2019): Maybe give it a try but talk to him that you need to know them and see what you can do about your past experience. See if he introduces you to them and always hangs out with them while you present at first, to see if you can trust them. I am telling you this because you've already got hurt. Some girls are just needy and they try to seduce other girls' boyfriends like it happened to me with my boyfriend and his friend. Prevent that.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (25 June 2019):
 You're doing the right thing by taking it slow, and in the getting to know him, you've discovered that he has an issue with ego. He's got just as many insecurities as you do if he NEEDS an entourage of female friends that he desperately wants you to accept.
While I agree that you should trust a boyfriend when it comes to female friends, and it shouldn't matter WHAT they look like, there SHOULD be boundaries! Common sense is clear that a man with an official girlfriend cannot act like a man without one. In this case, the boundary is this:
Would the interactions and conversations he has with his female friends be had IN YOUR PRESENCE?? Would he say or do ANYTHING with them that he wouldn't want you to see or know about?? Is he comfortable with TELLING YOU BEFOREHAND whether or not he has coffee with a female colleague?? Would he want you doing or saying things with another man that he says or does with other women in his life??
And finally, "Am I keeping contact with exes or any other women I have either had or wanted to be more than friends with?"
Keeping EXES or past sexual partners, conquests, or desirables in his life is not okay! Those aren't platonic friends, but sexual ones that are dormant.
If he can be honest and say that the women in his life are platonic and he has no feelings for them, and there's no flirting or "testing the line" with them, then you should trust until being proven otherwise. Just because you had someone in YOUR past who cheated doesn't mean that FUTURE men should pay the price for it.
If it were me, I'd let him go. He's insecure too if he needs "A LOT" of females that he wants his girlfriend to accept. It's one thing to have a couple of female friends that are long time (like family friends or schoolmates), and they should be fully worthy of trust, but having to have "A LOT" of them reeks of ego and low self esteem issues to me, and I don't want to be with a guy who needs that.
Otherwise, my husband's gone out for coffee or happy hour with a few of his female friends before, and I know that he is trustworthy. He always tells me who he's with, and I do the same for him. It does also help that I happen to LIKE his women friends, but that's not a requirement.
A cheater is going to cheat no matter how many precautions you take, and a trustworthy guy will break up with you for too many unfounded accusations or need for constant reassurance. So it's up to you, but make your choice sooner rather than later.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2019): What you need to do here is lay down your rules and say to him if you want to be official with me then all the female friends are gone. Don't let men make the rules you have your rules. If he doesn't agree just end it and he might have a change of heart if not move on! You can do better
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2019): There is no rush, it has only been 9 months. Here's my advice.
Your previous marriage ended badly; but you do have to learn to trust again. It hurt you badly to discover that your ex-husband cheated on you, and he loss your trust as the result. I think this particular love-connection has too many land-mines to get around.
You are an adult, and you know that every individual person deserves to be judged based on their own merits and character. You would not like to be treated as if you were nothing but a bundle of insecurities; and just a walking-calamity ready to happen. You want to be treated like a classy and worthy woman; and given the opportunity to offer the best that you can be. If you don't feel ready to do that; then commitment into a monogamous-relationship should be postponed.
Everyone has their faults. You included! There are more feelings and concerns to be considered than just your own. You're not the only one in a relationship taking a risk with their heart and emotions. You're not perfect, and your insecurities are unnecessary baggage you've chosen to carry around with you. Nobody has to put-up with them. If you want a relationship; then deal with your baggage first. If you need more time to work on them; then you are correct, don't make it official. I'm not trying to be confusing or contradictory. I'm speaking in general-terms about serious dating and seeking meaningful-relationships.
Regarding this particular man? I think you should trust your gut.
If it doesn't fit within your boundaries regarding outside-interference, your moral values, and indisputable character-guidelines; then don't even go there!
In-fact, you should deal with your healing and recovery from your residual/leftover emotional-trauma; before you enter any serious and committed-relationship with any man. Don't waste your time, or his; if you can't trust him. Without trust, love can't grow; and therefore, it will not survive time or wear. The relationship will not endure the strain, and nor will you. You will pummel and wear-out the relationship with suspicion and jealousy. If you're not completely healed, you will punish every man you're with for everything your ex-husband did to you. Be that the case, it would be better that you wait. He comes with a female-entourage. That's too much of a challenge, I'd say!
Here you are, finding yourself emotionally-involved and romantically-connected to a man with a bunch of lady-friends. That's playing with fire. You already see the red-flags; and he's laying down his rules. Well, if you don't like the idea of a man with too many lovely lady-friends, while warning you that you had better put-up with it? I'd venture to say he has already laid down the gauntlet. That being, any objection to his constant chat and contact with his harem will not be tolerated. You'll have to put-up with their persistent intrusions, or it's a no-go! Oh, really?!!
Personally, I think he has a lot of nerve. Good-looks, a penis, and a lot of nerve won't give you a free-pass to keep your little girly-collection and fan-club! Rules go both-ways! If they know you're his girlfriend, you've been formally-introduced to each of them, each respects your space, and gladly acknowledges the relationship...fine! As I think I know women, it won't be that simple! If he figured all would go well; he wouldn't have made this a condition of officiating the relationship. He projects any possibility of a commitment months-off into the future. Why? Because most self-respecting women ARE NOT going to have a gaggle of females calling her man all hours of the day and night! Insecurity has little to do with that. It's common-sense and a matter of principle!
How have they behaved over the last nine months? How many of them have you actually met? You don't have to be the fairest of them all, to be the one he cares for. If you feel looks assures you a better position within the pecking order, this whole mess has gotten-off on the wrong foot.
When things arise from too much interaction with all these lady-friends; he will play Mr. Stupid (and totally neutral) in the middle, and you'll feel like an outsider. He'll behave as though you're being unreasonable and have no need to worry. Meanwhile, they're cutting-up and flipping you the bird! Flashing their backsides at you, like you're the unwanted step-child! He'll never notice the snark and catty-remarks. He'll play them down. I've seen this mess a million times! If any are needy or former lovers, watch your back!
He'll always throw it up in your face how foolish and insecure you're behaving. So that in itself is a deal-breaker. Good-looking men with a large collection of pretty lady-friends are usually quite conceited. They need the admiration and collective female-attention to stroke their inflated egos. It is never innocent, there is usually a hidden catch to it all. One of those females has it for him, and she will be the wedge in-between the relationship. Mark my words! He knows women too, that's why he warned you!
Girlfriend, you're setting yourself up for a mind-blowing experience! Dealing with the repetitive and constant contact from other women will never give your relationship any peace. Most women like and need attention; and they demand responses to their messages or calls. If there are two, or more of them; his phone will never rest. He's full of malarkey, and you'd be a fool to put yourself through it.
The very fact you wrote a post about it, means you are probably not up to the task. It is a situation too loaded with potential drama to justify the risk.
He's okay to date, if you just want to get back into the dating-scene. If you already see signs that he's too much of a playboy and lady's man; don't go swimming in shark-infested waters. You'll get seriously bitten! You don't think you can trust men now? Don't rush into this.
You need time to develop enough strength to stand-up for your own rights, and know how to discern when anything has the potential to interfere with your budding-relationship. A new relationship needs as few distractions or aversions as possible; and the other women are already nipping at your insecurities.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 June 2019):
 In those 9 months you have been together, have you met any of "all" these women he chats with?
Have you been introduced as the GF?
Unfortunately, there are no guarantees that you will never get hurt again by someone. All you CAN do is try and ensure that the partner you pick treats you in a way you approve off, and that you treat in the same way as well. Someone who bring the BEST out in you and vice verse.
Saying that YOU can talk to ALL the men you want... it's kind of ridiculous if you don't already have a lot of male friends. To me that just seems like by "giving" you Permission, HIS actions are them OK. Because he KNOWS you don't have a ton of male friend you chat with. So giving you permission is easy.
On the other hand, I don't think it's a PARTNER'S job to dictate who they can be friends with. THAT has to come down to common sense. Like, you don't have you ex as your best buddy or someone you have been sexual on and off with. It's just not really appropriate. (not that you can not talk to an ex you for instance share kids with, because saying you can't talk ever again, is unrealistic when there are kids in the picture).
Trust takes time to build. Just like it takes time to REALLY get to know another person. But you CAN NOT hold THIS guy responsible for what your ex did. He isn't the same guy. BUT perhaps there are some similarities? Was your ex also a .. ladies' man?
If so, I think that maybe this guy is a little too much of a "ladies' man" for you. You need someone who is more focused on you, than a sea of other women to chat up.
No, you are NOT a bad person for being concerned with feeling like you are COMPETING for his affection. Or that he talks to ALL these women and could have his pick of any of them. I think that would make MANY women feel uncertain.
The thing is if he is talking to a lot of pretty women, are those women ACTUAL friends? Someone he sees in person or online ego-rubs? If it's the first, meeting them in person might help you feel less unsure, if it's the second... then I think you well never feel like YOU are enough for him. That there will ALWAYS be this "harem" of women who are in this "mutual ego-rub - circle-jerk" with your partner.
He is right, that unless there IS trust (REAL trust) there is no point in a relationship. But what has he done to SHOW you that he IS trustworthy?
Trust goes both ways. It's not just YOU trusting HIM blindly. It's also HIM being trustworthy. You being trustworthy.
I also think that perhaps he was a bit of a rebound? And now that he has suggested making it official you are not so sure he is the right partner for you?
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