A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I’ve been with my husband for 8 years. We have a 3 year old child together and I have two girls from a previous relationship ages 9 and 10 who don’t see their biological dad.When my husband and I first got together he was excellent with my girls and treated them as his own. His parents and siblings also welcomed us all into the family. I’m the last 6 months or so he has totally changed towards my girls and can actually be quite nasty and spiteful towards them which they’ve noticed, along with some of our friends and family. I was always the disciplining parent whereas now he will fly off the handle for the smallest thing. He’s never violent or anything like that but he will shout and get angry over something minor - such as not eating all their dinner or leaving a school bag in the porch. I have had numerous conversations with him about it and he acknowledges his change in behaviour yet does nothing to rectify it. I now feel like it’s driving a wedge between me and my girls. They openly tell me they hate him and want me to leave him and find someone who will ‘love us all’Has anyone else had this? I don’t know what else I can do to help. He is a fabulous father to our son but his behaviour isn’t fair on my girls. He is great in every other way but I can’t carry on with how he is with them.
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (30 June 2019):
 OP, it's a bit late, but I'm going to add my two cents anyway, and I'm going to take a different tack.
Keep it simple, because at the end of the day, this is a simple problem. It's not an easy one, mind you, but it is a straightforward one.
You have enough responsibilities in life looking after 3 children, running a household, being a wife, and trying to scratch out a life for yourself. You do not need to take on the enormous responsibility of getting to the root of his problem and fixing him. That's HIS job.
His life burdens are no worse than the burdens most people carry, and in fact, they're a damn sight better than many.
Your husband isn't overwhelmed to the point that he's lashing out blindly at everyone; friends, relatives, neighbours, colleagues, his boss, or anyone who will hurt him.
He has selected the safest targets for his aggression. His attacks are deliberate.
Trying to help him get to the root of his problem will ultimately fail and might even make things worse. For starters, any time you try to convince anyone of anything, they will automatically resist, either passively or aggressively. Second, it makes you weak and those who depend on you will be even more vulnerable.
Your approach should be a cold, calm, steely determined, calculating anger. Nothing dramatic or confrontational. Say little but make what you do say count. Do not try to get a response from him.
NO MORE CONVERSATIONS about this. It's pure manipulation on his part and a stalling tactic to delay making real changes. He'll feign guilt and try to steer your attention away from his actions and on to his feelings. No more trying to gently guide him, teach him, support and encourage him. Feeling bad is the result of doing bad. If he wants to feel good, he must do good, and that is the only time you reward him.
Do not try to cheer him up and be nice to him thinking it will give him hope and encourage him to reciprocate. Be warm and affectionate to the kids and cool with him. When he lashes out at anyone-no dinner, no sex, no clean clothes, no pleasant chit chat, NOTHING. Let him feel the pain and isolation of being outside your grace.
Re-direct your energy on what you can control. How your day will be spent, what you want to achieve in life, supporting your children and helping them learn the skills to achieve their goals. Your children are not only watching your husband-they are observing you as well, so SHOW them what being calm and confident looks like. If you don't want your daughters putting up with this from a man, don't you put up with it either. Teach them not to make excuses for bullies and tyrants by not doing it yourself.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2019): Your first priority is to your daughters if your husband won’t seek family counseling with you to get to the bottom of his behavior then you have a choice to make. One that protects your children or one that doesn’t.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2019): Tell him if his "new" attitude doesn't change you're going to leave him. Half a year is a long time to have your girls feeling like this. Do you want them to think you love this man more then your own kids? If something doesn't change they'll grow up and want nothing to do with you. It happend with my cousins when there mom wouldn't leave there mean father even though they begged.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2019): He's showing signs of stress and anxiety. He may not be getting enough sleep, and things might not be going well at work.
Getting to the bottom of a man's emotions as it manifests in his behavior is a difficult thing. Just like it takes time for a therapist to make a breakthrough with patients who are closed-off; addressing a man's inner-feelings and emotions is like deep-sea diving! The deeper you go, the more pressure pressing down on you from the weight of everything above you. We bury everything, and suppress emotional responses. Anger and aggression is considered more masculine and powerful. Crying is for sissies, whining is for women!
Have you gone over your household budget and expenses together? Have you observed his mood and attitude when he comes home from work? Is he restless in bed at night? Does he keep to himself? Does he drink or use recreational drugs?
He flies off the handle for small things and takes-out his anger and frustrations on the children. It's usually the little things that get on your nerves when you're stressed-out. That's no excuse!!! You don't scream at children, no matter how angry you might be! Especially the father! His strength and manliness is intimidating enough without showing his aggression towards helpless children!
Of course you get angry, and they can pluck your last nerve. This behavior is irregular, so get to the bottom of it! NOW!
I don't accept any excuses for men who show aggression towards children, women, the elderly, and the weak. I don't care what you're going through! Get some help if it's that bad and it's getting to you! You're not a wimp for seeking help! A man is a weakling and a fool; if you're too ashamed to admit when you're under too much weight, and it's breaking your back! You're human, but acting like a beast deserves being treated like one! Wild animals belong outdoors or under constraints. Not loose around the defenseless!
You've spoken to him about it, and you've seen no change. He will not and cannot change over-night; although it seems his change in behavior came over him rather suddenly. It's something building-up and possibly progressing over-time.
You have to pull him aside, preferably when the kids are with friends, or with their grandparents. You need to talk this out through serious discussion.
You cannot allow this to get any worse than it is already. It needs to stop! So if he's having problems at work, he should tell you about it. If he is concerned about the budget, say so. If he is tired and overworked; then take a vacation and get some rest.
I strongly suggest you send him to his doctor for a complete physical. If it's stress and exhaustion; then his health is probably one of the things that may be attributing to his behavior, but it's not the only cause. He's got some issues on his chest; and you need to find-out what they are, or he can't be around the children.
Otherwise, it has to be addressed by a licensed-professional; if he can't help himself, or freely talk about it. Lay-down the law and offer him an ultimatum. This is that serious! It will not stop at yelling; so don't kid or delude yourself! Yelling is unacceptable.
You are protecting your children, and there is nothing off the table to accomplish that. They come before him, and whatever his issues are. If he can't stop or tell you why; then his next move is out the door! It's not optional that he stops, it is mandatory! It is imperative! Losing his temper and composure around children is totally unacceptable.
This is nothing to be mealy-mouthed or timid about. Confront him about it, and insist he see the doctor; or do whatever it takes to stop. If he's got work issues, talk to you; so you both can carry the burden together. The children are not at fault for what's going on with him; so they do not deserve to be the targets or victims of his anger and frustration.
If he loses his temper and shouts at them; quickly intervene and usher them out of the room. Confront him then and there! If he doesn't cool-off, call the police; or a strong male-relative. Insist they come.
Be brave, DO NOT LET HIM INTIMIDATE YOU TOO!!! It will only get worse!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2019): I think you already know what you need to do you just feel sad about it and want things to be fixed so you don't have to leave. But you can't hang on in the hope that he'll change all the while he makes your daughters feel worthless.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2019): Listen to your daughters and put them first!
I’ve been there and let me tell you straight - the guilt you feel later on down the line for letting ANYBODY speak to your babies like dirt is not worth any relationship! Because at the end of the day they are your babies, they are still young and his behaviour will scar them!
Choice is yours obviously but he sounds like a sexist pig who shows clear favouritism to his son and a complete lack of consideration to your girls!
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (24 June 2019):
 Children first. Personally, if you keep telling him and he’s not changing, I’d tell him bluntly: “Either you stop or we’re gone because I will not have my girls being treated unfairly. They were part of the deal when we got together and have become just as much yours as our son when you married me. If you no longer feel or treat them that way, I will not stay and subject them to it”. They are vulnerable to self-esteem issues if he continues.
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