A
female
age
41-50,
*elenaB
writes:Hello.I am in danger of ruining a really good relationship if I do not chill out a bit. I really am trying and I have started seeing a counsellor to help with issues from my childhood but I am so scared it is too late.He seems to have got to the point with me where maybe he actually does not know what to do, I think I have pushed and he is pulling away, the more I push the more he pulls away and I do not know quite how to turn it around.I know there is lots of love there, he does love me very much and wants to help me and for us to be happy together, he just refuses to panda to my need for reassurance and says he will give it when he is ready. He says he is really trying too. We are normally really happy, something wobbled me and the whole thing started.I am scared he will meet someone else who will 'understand' him better.Crazily from what I have said, I do trust himWe have moved to a new area and although I have made friends, he has got involved with more stuff that he does on his own like golf with locals. I never moan or make a face and we seem to be quite happy in that respect, I get on with my won thing and often these are our best days.... unless we have whole day together and are doing something fun.Whilst writing this, I guess I wonder what the problem is. Has everything in my head moved into the real world and caused damage? He says if I pull away a bit, he will get closer and come to me. Does it work like that?We are going on a big holiday at Christmas to Australia so really looking forward to an adventure together and away from everyday life.We hope to have a baby next year... he has said that too.... but when feeling like I am at the moment, I always worry he has changed his mind (I can hear how ridiculous it sounds) and it is that sort of thing I get in my head that drives him away / mad.Sex is great - not quite as frequent lately but he has had alot on his mind with work / new job etc ... its always great when we do do it and guess think that will come back when we have some time to relax!
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female
reader, HelenaB +, writes (31 October 2008):
HelenaB is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am great thank you. I read all of the advice and it really helped. We are alot closer and I am learning to be calmer and think more about the bigger picture when I have a moment of oh my god!
All is great and I thank all who answered me.
Good luck to all out there and Australia here we come!
x x x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2008): How are you doing now?
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (5 August 2008):
 You are very lucky. Do you know why? Because you have stumbled across a great guy who really loves you. You've done it. That's the Holy Grail of not just relationships, but pretty much Life itself, for us humans! Really, truly ... we search for someone who will love us as much as our parents do/did, so that we can make our own new family and be secure and safe together. There are a lot of people who never hook up with someone like that, and spend years searching. But as I said, you're lucky, because you've got that someone.
So don't think about it any more. If you're walking along, you don't think about falling over. If you're driving a car, you don't think about crashing. So don't question his attachment to you - to all of us reading your post, it's clear he seriously loves and cherishes you. He's also sensible and emotionally intelligent - he's right about you pulling back.
I am not dissimilar to you with the clinginess and doubts, and there's a useful Polish saying about it: Don't look for holes. ie, don't search the fabric of your relationship for signs of weakness. No way. Just don't let yourself do that. Don't ask him stupid questions just because you want reassurance. Don't expound at length on what you're worried about, and your insecurities. If you feel the urge coming on, shut your eyes and think about something else, something nice, something to distract you. Because what is happening is that you yourself are turning on the relationship, and you have to stop yourself doing that. You DON'T need to worry about him - he IS still there, and has even set out what you need to do to keep things as they are. And he's right that only YOU can sort yourself out - he can't, nor anybody else. It's like not holding on when you're ice-skating - people can support you, but in the end you need to do it yourself.
Be really happy, because what's wrong is so easy to fix: you can do it now, in a second. Here are the rules:
- Take him for granted. He is there because he wants to be. You don't need to help him with that.
- No stupid questions. Bite your tongue.
- No confessing all your insecurities.* Again, bite that tongue.
- Talk to him about something other than yourself or the relationship. Talk to him about something outside your lives. Watch a film with him. Watch the news. See the bigger picture. Take the spotlight off you and him.
And that is pretty much it.
*We've been brought up to think we should be able to open our hearts to someone and they'll understand everything. Well, that's only partially true. Sure, be honest, but don't go on. Don't overwhelm someone with it all. Rein yourself in. Be kind but firm with yourself. Don't collapse in a heap at his feet.
What's he supposed to do with you then? Sure, he can pick you up and help you, but he can't support you forever - you have to walk tall on your own. And you can, honey. It is so easy. Just do it, and don't think twice.
When you're riding a horse and want to jump a jump, you have to think yourself on the other side of the jump. If you do that, the horse just jumps without hesitation. Trust me. Life is like that too. See where you're going and you'll get there. : )
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2008): Read a book called “Women who think too much” and get yourself onto a cognitive behavioural counselling course. You can start on line on a site called Moodgym but you need a counsellor too. If your hormones kick in, it causes double trouble so get some help if you think this is an issue.
The cbt helps you see how you may have developed faulty thinking processes and you have to practice your way out of them. It ain’t easy and there will be relapses. Do you notice yourself chattering problems over and over as though you are hypotising yourself into a negative position? Like falling down a plughole, at the bottom of which is a phrase like “If only I was not so useless, I am spoiling this relationship etc etc?” I don’t deserve it anyway, he is bound to find someone else, I am driving him away, just remember that time last week when he said that girl was pretty, I bet he will start to wish he was with her rather than me, why did he put on that aftershave this morning, should I check his phone, wherever your particular mental wormhole takes you.
My own guiding beliefs which I discovered through my coaching and which I fight every day are:
I must not be betrayed
I am not good enough
You will find out what your own are. These bad habits set in from earlier experiences and are hard-wired into your brain. That is why you have low self-esteem probably and need a bit of help. You also need your chap to come with you at one session so the counsellor can tell him what is happening, what to expect and how to support you. If your man knows you are going to do all this for both of you I am sure he will help
Do it before you have a baby so you have a good chance of actually enjoying motherhood rather than being unhappy still.
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