A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I think perhaps i already know the answer to my question but need to hear it from others too, this month my live in partner has decided he can only pay one quarter of our shared bills instead of the usual half, he says he cant afford to give me more as he needs the money to go on holiday for 2 weeks, he has known for months that he was going away and not saved one penny towards it instead choosing to spend up to £60 per week on mobile phone top ups and pay per view porn channels, all this takes place after i have gone to bed. if this was a one off i may find it in my heart to forgive him but i financially supported him when he was unemployed for 2 years and when the same thing happened to me he completely resented every penny even though i was only between jobs for 1 month, this all seems very selfish to me he clearly has me at the bottom of his list of priorities, i feel like i am screaming inside, what would you do in these circumstances ? ?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, A Cappella  +, writes (7 August 2008):
 Good for you! I'm so proud of you for standing up for yourself; I know that's really hard when you love someone and want it to work out. You see what he could be "if only." Don't trap yourself there.
If you can, go one step further and give him a specific move-out date. Take care of yourself and no guilt about him or his situation. He's made his own bed and you don't need to pay for it anymore.
Don't be afraid to be alone for a while, so that you can become comfortable in your own skin. Confidence is sexy, seriously. Feel comfortable with who you are and the guys will come, I promise. So much good luck to you!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2008): hi there to everyone who replied i truly appreciate you taking the time, after a long fight he has finally paid his half for this month but only after i told him no rent no roof, he paid begrudgingly. i have also told him to get himself sorted with a view to moving on as i do not and will not have repeats of this again i shouldnt even have had to ask it should have been an automatic payment as someone suggested, and your right he is dragging me down oh well onwards and upwards :-) . . . .any single guys out there lol just kidding time for me me me i think thanks everyone
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2008): A shared joint account, with a direct debit from your own personal accont to cover all bills should help the situation out. Draft up a budget, and then arrange for money to be paid in automatically, and bills to come out automatically. At the moment, he acts as if the bills are optional, and are just one of life's irritations. Formalise things, and there will be no "I'm short this month, or I forgot". He won't have the money to spend, because it will already be spent keeping him alive.
PS: Financial irreponsiblity points to some serious disrespect going on in your relationship. How is everything else. Is this the only problem that your having with this guy?
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A
female
reader, A Cappella +, writes (5 August 2008):
Get out from under this guy's horrible habits. You will be stuck supporting him for the rest of your lives and he will never want to take care of anyone but himself. Before he can damage your credit, and before he can suck anything else out of you that you should be saving for your OWN future, break it off.
If his name isn't on the lease, pack up his stuff while he's on vacation and change the locks. If it is, give notice to the apartment and let them know you're both leaving and find another place for yourself. Let him find his own with his own money. If you have serious debt in common, see a lawyer and get your finances untangled. The sooner you can protect your credit from this user the better off you'll be.
Don't feel the slightest bit of guilt; he's a dead weight pulling you down. You're his enabler. He needs to support himself.
And just one question: Why is he going on holiday and leaving you holding the financial bag? If you're partners, shouldn't you both be going on holiday? Feh. Good riddance to bad rubbish.
I know -- easier for me to say than for you to do. But seriously, you're worth 10 of this guy. The guy who will want to take care of you, who will want to be in a REAL partnership, is really out there. Don't be attached to this guy when you meet him. Good luck hon.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (5 August 2008):
 I'm sorry I don't know of any magical way to make him pay his fair share. It seems to me that you've been awfully patient with him. I expect you must be very sick and tired of not being his top priority. Have you ever reevaluated living with him? I mean 60 pounds a week! That's 240 pounds a month!!! At the current exchange rate, we're looking at nearly $500. That's a huge phone bill. I spend about $80 a month, or 40 pounds, and I've got an older iPhone. (Sorry I can't find the pound symbol on my computer.) If he can manage those bills, he certainly can pay his share. Don't let him get away with it yet again, you'll just be caught in this cycle forever....
You might tell him that if he does do this to you this month, than he has to pay 3/4 of the bills next month. Period. End of discussion.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2008): in answer to your question no im not holidaying with him and all the goods in the house are mine he moved into my home with 2 black bags of clothes and not much more than that 3 and half years ago, thanks for taking time to reply :-)
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (5 August 2008):
Tell him that his financial obligations should be fulfilled, and that means that bills come before leisure activity. Are you going on this holiday with him? I don't know why that matters, really, but in a way, you're subsidizing his entertainment spending, aren't you? If you have to pay more than your share of the bills, because his cash is going toward the holiday, then your cash is paying for his holiday. This is definitely not equitable, and if you took care of him financially for two years, then he certainly owes you to be responsible.
Sounds to me like he has no idea how to manage money, and this is going to continue to be a thorn in your side. Are you quite sure you want to put up with this for the rest of your life? I mean, he now knows that he can rely on you to cover his slack and that you'll do it for him.
Maybe if you're not on that holiday with him, you can sell some of his pricier electronic items to make up the shortfall? Of course, if they are not yours this is not terribly ethical, but I have to ask, who did pay for them, really? Just a thought.
Of course his obligation is to the bills he's generated with you. Don't take no for an answer, press him to pull his weight, and remind him that he was really resentful of you for that one month vs. your taking care of him for 2 years. Of course, this is chipping away at his male ego, but, come on, he needs to become somewhat financially responsible.
Good luck.
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