A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My mother-in-law needed work done on her house costing £400 which my husband paid for with the understanding that he would be reimbursed. Now she said to him that she will give him half the money towards it saying it will be his house soon anyway, basically like she is doing him a favour!My husband was told by both his parents from he was a child that the house was his and anything they needed done or fixed, they just told him and he has always at hand for them even though it would put him under preassure with his own work and stressed trying to split himself in two!We have never got any help from them but when they wanted anything done they were very demanding and wanted it done straight away!She (mil)was always doing things for her daughters, babysitting ect., but the seldom time we asked we were refused!It just seemed like we were on the outside and never thought about until they needed something done!She (mil) can afford to pay her own bills.We are not well off! and she knows that!My father-in-law passed six mths ago.I'm just really worried about all this and don't know what to do! Please help!
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 September 2020):
 You feel that she is taking advantage.
And how does your husband feel about it ?
Does he share your views, is he upset about his mom's greed ? Or does he shrug and say " It is what it is " ? Does he chuckle indulgently and smile affectionately " You know my mo,, that's the way she is " ? Does he come from a culture or background where birth family comes first, and where you are supposed to take care of your parents and help them out materially, whether they have money or not ?...
I am very willing to believe that your MIL is the MIL from hell, an avid, mean, self-serving b***h. Because I have met a few MIls like that , - and because between MILs and DILs there's sort of like a biological incompatibility, they are just not made to love each other. A bit like mongooses and snakes, lol.
Then again, there are many ways to read the same situation with different eyes than a disgruntled DIL 's. For instance, yes, maybe your MIL was supposed to reimbourse your husband his £ 400, then again if you can't ask a son a hand when you need it, whom should you ask ?, particularly if it does not happen often, plus , if the house is going to be his , possibly in few years, well, she is sort of right, he is just joining in the cost of improvements and repairs which in the long run will benefit him and his family, much more than his mother. Some people would say, why is she ( the MIL ) supposed to shoulder all the costs to keep in top shape a house which her son will inherit- and use many years more than she will ? I mean, legally yes, she is the owner , and the sole responsible for the costs, but particularly if you all are not rich people... many people would feel that asking a little help for maintenance costs is justified.
This is just an example to say that, in sum, what you feel about this situation is only relevant up to a point, it would be important to know what your husband feels about it.
If he feels used and abused and taken advantage of, then you should encourage him to assert himself and put his foot down in front of what he feels are injustices. You should not, of course, fan the flames of animosity between mother and son, but if it's a lifetime that HE wants to take a stand and does not , for fear of being criticized, or a sense of guilt or whatever, you can assure him that you fully understand him , justify him and support him if he decides to take a different stand.
But ,... what if he finds nothing wrong in helping out his mom, or if actually °enjoys ° being able to spoil her a little bit ?....Before you do or say anything about this, you have to make sure that you and your husband are on teh same page, and , if not, that you can calmly and efefctively explain to each other how and why your points of view differ...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2020): Leave him.I am serious.This will never change ever.He is a mama's boy...let her have him and find a man not a child.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2020): It is not worth selling your soul to get a house which you may or may not inherit.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2020): Typo correction:
" Perhaps they are disappointed in his marriage to you; unfortunately, that's usually the reason for parents behaving as you've described."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2020): I'm sorry to hear about your family. Both my parents are now deceased, but I'm very close to my siblings and other relatives.
Many women write DC regarding their MIL's (or their own moms); and tell us horror stories or heartbreaking tales that would require actually hearing both-sides of the situation for accuracy. If we had the whole story from both perspectives; obviously we could offer better advice. Getting the full-story with all the details usually turns-out a little different from what is often told through bias, prejudice, resentment, or flat-out lies.
You are basically a bystander; and your husband is really the one who responds to his mother's needs. Unfortunately, you've never established a good relationship with your in-laws for whatever reasons; but it's still quite odd that your husband is still willing to help his mother, in spite of how you feel about her. I stand behind my opinion; that it's his mother, and not yours. Regardless of how you feel about her, or how you think they've treated him; it is up to him to relate to his mother, however he sees fit. How you feel about that is neither here nor there. If your parents were alive; I don't think you'd appreciate him dissuading you from offering them help. He can't force her to like you. That's up to her.
She can help or not help her children, or grandchildren; and do whatever she pleases with her money, or her property. If she doesn't wish to babysit your kids, perhaps she has her reasons; but we don't get to ask her what they are. Maybe the other kids are older, better behaved, or easier to babysit. We only get your biased-opinion about that. I don't think your husband feels the same as you do towards his mother, or he wouldn't have helped her.
You should stay in the neutral-zone and show respect. You should realize that when you withhold your compassion towards people, know that reflects more on your own character. You are admitting that you harbor so much resentment; even to a degree you'd be bitter towards someone who is in grief. That makes you wonder!
I know that if she had the opportunity to share her side of this, she might have a few choice words about you as well. I'm not naive or inexperienced in family-matters. You do not know if your husband has ever gone to his parents for help, if he chose to keep it from you. You can insist you'd know; but you have no way of knowing it for certain. Nor do you know how much, or what, they've done for him; before you were a part of his life. Perhaps they are disappointed in his marriage to you; unfortunately, that's the usually the reason for parents behaving as you've described. That's how they show their disapproval. Don't expect anything from them; if you go against their wishes. Right or wrong, they're still his parents.
You don't know all the details of your husband's history growing-up; and there are family-secrets you don't have privy to. You can debate that until the cows come home! Your husband isn't telling you everything. There's a backstory, and he and his family apparently don't believe it's any of your business. You're on the outside looking in. Yet he still does things for his mother; and that tells me he is in the process of trying to win back his mother's approval. Be that the case, it would behoove you to stay out of his way. Keep your resentment to yourself. Don't ever place your spouse in the position of choosing between you and his family. That's a grave mistake. There's something going on you don't know about; and he doesn't feel he needs to share it with you. For sure, his family knows!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2020): Treat others not the way they deserve but how you are as a person. Dalai Lama said that and I loved it. I used to feel angry abut the way my husband was treated by his family (father, aunts, uncles, cousins...). It just wasn't fair. They wanted everything and gave very little in return. That is a fact. They would invite us to come over and it ALWAYS turned out that they wanted something from us. Always. If they called just to check in, you could bet that they had a question that would come to their minds spontaneously or that tehy would call you in a few hours with a request. I'm not exaggerating. We asked for advice a couple of times and each time they would say how they would like to help us but they didn't know any lawyers/doctors/schools etc. they could recommend. we never asked for help, money... My husband needed time to realize how things really were and decide what to do about it. I realized that my anger was doing no good. So I started converting it to compassion and gave my hubby support. The first part about compassion IS hard. But it works. You realize that people are not just good or just bad. There is a reason why some people are manipulative... That said it doesn't mean that we need to just take it, but it changes your perspective. You stop being angry and use that energy for something constructive.I've seen whole families with pretty negative dynamics. It's really hard to change it. People who suffer the most have to realize what is going on and have the will, energy and KNOW HOW to constructively deal with it.My father in law cons people to get money, but it doesn't mean that sometimes he doesn't need help for real. I remember on one occasion, he said he needed money for a lawyer and a plane ticket. My husband wanted to help him out (again, his father, his money HIS decision) but instead of giving him the money in cash, like his father asked, he offered to buy him a plane ticked and pay the legal expenses directly to the lawyer. His father insisted and insisted to get cash. Instead of creating a conflict and wasting time and energy on his father, my husband told him directly and firmly what he can do for him. he stopped calling and said that he found a way to buy a ticket and pay the lawyer. A lie. We know. But it's just the way it is. Anger doesn't solve anything.Getting in arguments won't solve anything.If your husband was brought up to "serve", he first needs to unlearn this patterns of behavior. Unless he does this, he will forever feel guilty when refusing to help out. And what's worse, he will become resentful towards those who ask his help. It's much healthier to know and set your boundaries and say no.This doesn't happen just because we wish it to. He needs to work on his issues. People like your husband often chose partners who will "protect" them and "fight" for them seeing them as victims. It bad for both the "victim" and the "savior". His family and his childhood issues are his problems, you can support him but not deal with it. Has he considered seeing a therapist? What you describe is a repetitive pattern and he could benefit from therapy when it comes to defining and setting boundaries. But make no mistake, when he starts to "get better" he will act in a more healthy way with you too. And you won't like it. He'll tell you that his family is his business.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2020): Hello WiseOwlE
I have always been compasionate & caring to to my husbands family, but I thank you for your honest answer, as most people will say & think the same as you do right now, I do feel like I'm all out of compassion and caring at the moment!
I lost both my parents in my early twenties,shortly after we were married.
I live on the far side of the country from where I was brought up & so don't have the family support that some people may have.
What family I did have are also passed away.
I have put up with smide remarks & nastyness from my mil for years because I didn't want any upset & knew if I said anything I would come off the worst of it!
Anything I've ever done or tried to help my mil with in the past has gone unrecognised.
If her daughters or their husbands done even the slightest favour for her they were put on pedestals.
I get on well with people and I've always been good natured to everybody including my mil.
As far as getting help from my in-laws secretely or otherwise, no, we have never been given any help financially or otherwise, nor did we expect to or ask for help.
It would just have been nice for them to do the odd favour of taking care of our two children the seldom time they were asked. I'm taking about having them a few hours at their house the few times over the years when we asked them because we needed to work over, & we rearly asked.
Her daughters children were basically reared by her and they seemed to have the freedom to go where they wanted.
I would never leave my children anywhere where they were not welcome or made uncomfortable.
I will also tell you that my mil knows her place when other people were about. She behaved like we get on great and gave the impression that she couldn't do enough for us!
So as I said, maby I'm just all out of compassion at the moment! It makes me both angry & depressed that I'm that weak in myself that somebody could change me so much.
As I also said earlier my mil can well afford to pay her own bills & has already given away something that was already promised to my husband years ago & she has always been very generous financially with her daughters, who are not in need of it, just incase you may think they are.
We never "cry money" & we don't intend to.
I would rather go without to be honest.
But we both have worked hard and we don't have high paid jobs, we don't have alot left over after paying the bills.
We have always paid our own way.
I just feel she is taking advantage.
She has already willed all her savings & some property to her daughters and thats fine. Why should we pay her bills?
This is causing alot of stress at the moment as I don't know what else she is going to expect from us!
Again, thank you for your honesty, unless you know the full picture, which I still cant really provide, your answer is understandable.
I am hoping yourself & some others will be able to give me some more advice.
I' hoping I can find a way back to my true nature aswell.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2020): Why isn't your husband writing this post instead of you?
It's customary, or the tradition, in most cultures to take care of our elderly parents; as they gave us life. They've struggled and have sacrificed to take care of us; until we were able to fend for ourselves. He's making an investment in his future; by helping his mother with the upkeep of the house that he may someday inherit. Oh, by the way, I note your sympathy for your mother-in-law's loss of her husband only six months ago. I am almost certain, just from your attitude, you'll be the first to wonder what the old hag left your husband when she finally kicks the bucket!
So...what are you going to do if she doesn't leave him not one red cent, or the house? Why should it matter to you, she's not your mother? If you needed a sitter, why not ask your own parents, or a member of your own family?
I wonder why she refused to babysit for you and your husband? Yet he rushed to pay for the work done on the house for her; although she never does anything for him. As if you would know if and/or when they may have secretly helped him over the years; and he may have never told you. It seems he did what he did out of love, and the fact he just lost his dad; he may not be that upset she hasn't reimbursed him. If he is, why would I suspect you're the culprit behind instigating the trouble and rousing-up suspicions towards his mother?
Maybe his parents aren't that wild about you. You obviously aren't wild about them!
I guess, because they never do anything for you; as you claim. We'll take your word for that, but there may have been times they did and you never knew. Not to mention what they may have done for your husband before you were married. Parents are not obligated to give us a plugged-nickel, once we're adults; and able to earn our own income. It's through generosity and the kindness of their hearts that they help you through favors or financially. They're not your parents, so they owe you absolutely nothing! That's between them and your husband. If you had to ask his mom, apparently no-one in your family offered to sit! Why didn't you ask them first?
I suppose, if he does inherit that house someday; you have no intention of moving into it, or using it for rental income. Just on general principal. If he does inherit the house, you stand to benefit as well as he does. Provided you don't piss her off, and make her change her will to leave it to his siblings.
I suggest you let your husband deal with this matter, you're too hostile to be reasonable.
It's your husband's mother. She is recently widowed. Show some compassion, or at least pretend to; for your husband's sake. If not for him, perhaps for God's sake!
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