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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: My ex boyfriend and I broke up 10 days ago and were going no contact. I still sent him periodic messages on Snapchat which he did read but didn't respond to. But I did see that he did not block me. I was expecting him to. Yesterday it was his birthday. I was out shopping and as I was driving home, I saw him driving towards me on his ebike. It happened by pure chance, not staged. He saw me instantly. Our eyes locked. And immediately he pulled over. And I followed. He got into my car. Said he was on his way to visit a friend (male) to have a coffee and chat. We just gazed at each other's eyes deeply. Held hands. We both said I love you to each other. Both saying we miss each other. We caught up on our lives since. We were together briefly, only around ten minutes. We broke up because he's going out of the country for 6 months and I was very upset about it. But he accepted a job offer that was too good to pass up and it requires him to be overseas for 6 months out of every year. I tried hard to be supportive. But resentment crept in and I felt like he was leaving me behind. I felt like he didn't love me enough to be able to choose being without me for such a long time. We've been together 7 years. He went through a messy divorce when we first met and has been shy about making another commitment. And that's also caused issues. So his leaving is only making it worse. I felt like I was wasting time with a man who didn't love me the way I love him. He said that's not true. That he really does love me. The last argument we had happened the day we broke up. He told me doesn't want to argue all the time about something that won't change and have me always feeling bad or upset with him because of his decision to accept the job. I can't visit. I have children and I work. It's not so easy for me to follow him across the world. Even if I managed a week or two, it wouldn't be enough and would probably end up making me feel even more miserable. He is the love of my life. And I do believe he loves me. But does always conquer all?He kissed me before he left. On the lips. I kissed him back. It left me confused. We are broken up and were having no contact. We broke some rules. The kiss especially. And even sitting in my car telling each other how we felt, holding hands. Then we ended up messaging each other last night. I want to see him one more time before he goes away. He said he would try. But I know he will. I have had a hard time with this everyone. I am struggling. Don't want to lose him. But I also can't live without him close by. Does he still care?I am a mess emotionally and don't know how to move forward. He's more practical but I lead with my heart. Looking for some good advice. Thanks
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 September 2020):
 .. 7 years and no committment ?.. Oh. Indeed.
That tells a lot !- mainly that you chose to see things in a rose -tinted, romantic light which may be different from how they actually are.
Love is an action, not just a word.
It's nice and soothing and easy to exchange " I love you " s till the cows come home, but at the end of the day a show, and proof, of love would have been if you two had worked out something to be together long term- " which did not feel like a huge, intolerable sacrifice ".
Obviously he feels that he can't give up a good job opportunity ...just for you- and you feel that you cannot give up your current lifestyle and habits just for him , nor,though, adjust to see him less often.
So... lack of committment, lack of projectuality, lack of a shared vision for your future. ( And lack of flexibiity on both sides, too ).
Does love always conquer all ? Obviously not, in lack of those above said things.
As a matter of fact, I would not even call it " love " when it's a feeling so unrooted in reality that all things go belly up at the first practical challenge. But maybe it's just a matter of definitions. One can earnestly call it " love of my life ", or any definition you want- but at the end of the day things have to be workable , relationships maintanable. This is not your case, so , yes , I understand that's a hard pill to swallow, but the sooner you do the better. How can you move on ?
Well, you will have to, whether you like it or not, didn't you say that he is leaving soon for 6 months, and that he considers your story finished ? Do you think he'll remain alone, thinking of what could have been if only? ...Ha. Fat chance.
So, you will move on because life itself is making you move on, pushing you forward rather ungraciously. It''s better therefore, and you'll get less hurt, if you accept the process rather than resisting it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2020): I'm sorry but you need a reality check because your rose tinted glasses are making you view your situation as a romantic novel of some sort, as if tragic fate has divided you both when in actual fact it's your boyfriend (ex) who's divided you.He has made a choice - unfortunately it's not the one you want and you did good to leave and try to make a new life (albeit it's only been ten days).To throw away 7 years is heartbreaking and you are bound to feel resentful at times, heartbroken as times and you will have doubts about the decision now and then.You need to take it one day at a time and not think too far ahead with this as it's the only way you will get over him a d eventually meet somebody who will give you what you want.Forgive yourself but having the doubts, chalk it off as a bad day and start again. Eventually you will find you don't think about him so much and next time you meet 'by chance' you will just walk/drive on without a second glance.Your ex seems to want the single life and freedom that comes with it - it sounds like he hasn't really lived that and has now decided to focus on himself. It's just too bad he wasn't selfless enough to let you go and find yourself before now and before you spent 7 years waiting.You will get through it - just keep focus on the life you want and the way you want to be treated etc.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2020): Well, you got seven years. He loves you, but not enough to marry you. If he chose a job over you and your kids; I guess you'll have to face that reality.
He's doing his best to soothe your heartache, and not make himself look selfish; after all, he has to save face. He's leaving you behind for a job. He didn't make any arrangements to bring you along; or ask you to marry him. He chooses to leave.
You have to move on. You're prolonging the agony by breaking no contact. Let him go, he has already let you go. You don't want his pity; you wanted him to stay and become your husband. Apparently, that's not an option. Exchanging "I love you's" is nice; but if he stayed, that would be more proof of how much.
Resume no contact. You have to detach and start letting-go.
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