A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for five years. About two years ago, I had a fling with another guy. It was all flirty banter until it went too far and we slept together. I told my boyfriend and cut the man off. I told him I didn't want to lose my boyfriend and he said basically "Okay, but you know where to find me".I haven't contacted him again. However, on five or six occasions since then, usually several months apart, he has emailed me. The first couple of times, I just deleted the emails. Then I blocked the email address in January this year. Now, he has emailed again. It's from a different address, so I don't know if he just uses a different one now, or if he realised I blocked him (not sure if people can tell). It says "I miss you. What are you up to? I don't even know where you are. How's life? Are you married now?"It's so frustrating because I've been so happy. I love my boyfriend and love every moment I spend with him. Even though we can't live together right now because the pandemic shook up some plans, we see each other regularly. I've been so lucky. I'm getting on with my life - I feel like I'm thriving! - but every time this man contacts me, it brings up old feelings again. I know damn well that he's being manipulative, but his cheekiness, charisma and confidence were what attracted me to him, and there is still attraction there. I'm irritated and frustrated about getting this email, but also intrigued, and it makes me feel the flash of excitement I used to get from being around hin. I don't want to feel this way. I just want to forget about him and feel no kind of way towards him at all. How long does it take to really move on from someone?
View related questions:
confidence, flirt, move on Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2020): How long does it take to really move on from someone?
You've admitted the cheating bugs bite is deep. Now the venom is in your blood. That means you're still psychologically cheating on your boyfriend; and putting on a front like you're faithful. You're only happy now; because you think you've gotten-away with cheating on him in the physical-sense. You're happy he's none the wiser. Now it will be even easier to cheat again; because the venom has numbed your conscience. You can look your boyfriend in the eyes, pretend like all is well, and you're so in-love. That's the mark of a true cheater, my dear!
You're going to cheat again. You've as much as admitted it. Breakup with your boyfriend. You can't move on from the other guy; because you don't want to.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2020): OP i read your reply all the way through, read it all back yourself, you know exactly how you feel and why. I don't think you love your boyfriend, at least not in a deep lasting sense, you want freedom and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. You're still young and you want to live your life to the full, the constraints of a relationship don't suit how you feel at the present time and chances are you will want to experience how you felt with this man again, maybe a different male but at the moment that is how you feel and with that it is unfair to keep onto your boyfriend if you know what you do.
Don't beat yourself up over it, it's a lesson learned but you have a lot of years to meet the 'one' im not suggesting sleeping around but date and look at how to achieve what you want in life, but as a single woman...
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (23 September 2020):
 Why don't you just change YOUR email address? Or write to him and say very clearly, "Stop contacting me. I am not interested"?
Is it because, secretly, you actually relish him still wanting you and, despite how his messages unsettle you, it gives you a buzz? That's what is sounds like because if someone REALLY wants to shake off another person, it CAN be done. You have just chosen to make a half-hearted attempt to do it so you can say you have tried.
...............................
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (23 September 2020):
 "Did you ever have to make up your mind?
And pick up on one and leave the other behind?
It's not often easy and not often kind.
Did you ever have to make up your mind?
Did you ever have to finally decide?
And say yes to one and let the other one ride?
There's so many changes and tears you must hide.
Did you ever have to finally decide?
Sometimes there's one with big blue eyes, cute as a bunny,
With hair down to here, and plenty of money,
And just when you think she's that one in the world,
Your heart gets stolen by some mousy little girl,
And then you know you'd better make up your mind.
And pick up on one and leave the other behind.
It's not often easy and not often kind.
Did you ever have to make up your mind?
Sometimes you really dig a girl the moment you kiss her,
And then you get distracted by her older sister.
When in walks her father and takes you in line,
And says, "Better go on home, son, and make up your mind."
And then you bet you'd better finally decide.
And say yes to one and let the other one ride.
There's so many changes and tears you must hide.
Did you ever have to finally decide?"
You have not yet made up your mind.
You will not "get over" someone who you choose to keep in your heart. Which is why the song advises exactly what I will advise you.
You had better go on home (Separate from both) and make up your mind.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2020): This is why you never take back a cheater. I feel for the boyfriend because if she doesn't contact this guy it will be someone else later on
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2020): You've been bitten by the cheating bug, and you're experiencing the symptoms.
The following symptoms are the side-effects of cheating:
Loss of self/impulse-control, sneaking around like a thief, habitual-lying, the continuance of messaging, even after a half-hearted lame-attempt at blocking (always hoping your co-cheater will get around it), shamelessly and repeatedly using the excuse "I can't help myself," the lack of remorse, cessation of conscience, unreliability, weakness in character, inability to maintain trustworthiness, delusions that you love two people equally, lustfulness confused with traditional-love; and the unmitigated gall to feel self-pity.
Love is proven by overcoming your selfishness, valuing the trust given to you, and fully realizing the magnanimous gesture of forgiveness. Love is putting up a bloody-fight to the death with temptation; and going completely out of your way to regain the trust you've compromised with betrayal. Real-love comes from God in it's purest form. It's not to be defiled or abused, or stained with contempt.
One guy is the one who is willingly committing his heart to you. The other likes what's between your legs; and the shallowness within your character makes it difficult for you to differentiate between faithfulness and infidelity. Instead of raising an impenetrable-shield in protection of your relationship, you're leaving a little opening where temptation can slither through; and prey on all the weakest areas of your character and personality. Not because you can't control yourself; but because you really don't want to. You will in-time, reap what you sow. You can only save your relationship if you fight for it. Not allowing anyone to destroy what you're blessed to have. Make a choice, and stop wasting his precious-time with your foolish romance-novel ambivalence! Shed your label of a "cheater," and be truthful to the one man you love.
If you love the man you have, then prove it. You're full of excuses, and that's how you and all cheaters rationalize and dismiss their bad-behavior. Which do you listen to? Your sense of values, conscience, and commonsense, or what makes your vagina feel good? You opt for the forbidden-fruit, but pretend you want true-love. That's the bottom-line!
If you've found true-love, and you're trying to save the relationship you have; you'll fight with everything you've got in you to preserve it. You won't hide behind lame excuses.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2020): OP here. CodeWarrior, there's a ring of truth to your answer. There's more to my question when I think about it thoroughly, though maybe it would have been better as a question all of its own : "How do I accept not getting that feeling again and move on with my life?", or something like that. I also just didn't want to be too long-winded though. I've seen you basically answer "TLDR" to people before.
You're not entirely right on the "me intending to seduce him" part. I intended to hold myself just out of reach. It really was flirty banter like that until the last day I ever saw him, when everything happened all at once, from the first kiss to sleeping together. Before that, he'd flirt and I'd tease and brush him off. I enjoyed the fun and attention and excitement of flirting. I've always been flirty, and I suppose I miss that part of myself. I enjoyed being unattainable. I told him many times that I couldn't be with him, and that's been proven correct.
I do love my life, but somehow I want more. I take great satisfaction from learning skills, succeeding at work in a stressful environment, and working out. But it's true that I got more emotional satisfaction and felt my sexiest when I finally gave in to that guy and allowed him to have me, after he'd been chasing for months. I don't know how I'm meant to leave that feeling behind, potentially for the rest of my life. It's just expected that I'll do that, but it feels wrong to me, like killing off part of my personality.
I read this article once and found it weirdly comforting that other people feel like me. https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2017/10/why-happy-people-cheat/537882/
I know it's a long article, but what I relate to most is probably this: "As I listen to her, I start to suspect that her affair is about neither her husband nor their relationship. Her story echoes a theme that has come up repeatedly in my work: affairs as a form of self-discovery, a quest for a new (or lost) identity. For these seekers, infidelity is less likely to be a symptom of a problem, and more likely an expansive experience that involves growth, exploration, and transformation." (And if that sounds callous, the author does follow up by acknowledging that.)
I can see myself in the woman in the article. I was never a rebellious teen because I've taken care of other people first since I was 11, when my mother died and I took over care of two siblings (Dad mainly just took out his anger and depression on us, so I just had to do my best). I get tired of always doing the right thing. When I get the opportunity to do something just for me, and feel something new, like "This kind of exciting thing doesn't happen to people like me!", that's a big thing.
I should feel pleased with myself for never responding to this guy, but that's what I really want to do, and imposing rules on myself, or having them imposed on me, makes me want to rebel. Holding myself back isn't satisfying. I stop myself from responding because stringing the other guy along wouldn't be fair, and because I genuinely don't want to hurt my boyfriend, and I know he would be furious. But in my mind, the whole thing has got nothing to do with my boyfriend really. I just feel like I've always worked hard and done what was expected of me, but I'm now I'm 26, I won't be young forever and I want to experience everything I can and finally get to be selfish, frivolous and childish. I don't get any credit for NOT doing it, I don't get any pay-off for not doing it because nobody knows about it...so every time he emails me, I go through this upset again.
I know I shouldn't view life this way, but I'm just being honest here. SO, how do I accept all this? I don't know. I wish it was like a switch I could just switch off. I want to be normal, to get married and have a family of my own and give my children the normal carefree childhood that I didn't have, but part of me suspects that I'll screw it up, because there's something abnormal about me. Kind of makes me wish I could afford to see a counsellor myself, to be honest...
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2020): You need to call things what they truly are.
As other aunts&uncles have said. It was an affair and you realized your mistake and moved on.
Now, let me ask you something, what do you really think about a person who has no problem flirting and sleeping with someone who has a partner? Selfish? Check. Reckless? Check. Lacking moral compass? Check... and then learning nothing from it and wanting to repeat the same thing all over.
You have learned something from this. It's a good thing. Some people just know what's right when it comes to cheating, others (myself included) have to learn from the experience. I did it once. Left my bf at the time and left the guy with whom I cheated, because he was no good.
He sent you this email because he is bored and/or testing to see if he still has a power you. God knows to how many girls he has sent a similar message.
You don't have to get over HIM thank God, but the image he projected and you nourished in your head. He's not real. He's a projection.
Always use the real names for people, situations, events... do not try to embellish stuff.
If you are really happy with your relationship, do not let your "monkey brain" (we all have one) always looking for fun, distraction, drama... ruin it.
...............................
A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (22 September 2020):
 I think its impossible to say how long it takes to get over someone as everyone is different.
I think you were lucky that your boyfriend took you back after your fling with another guy. You betrayed his trust and went with someone else, and he forgave you.
You say you love your boyfriend, and no doubt you do, but I just feel if you love someone then no one else is even on your radar.
Your still harbouring emotional feelings for this fling thinking of his cheekiness, his charisma, and his confidence.
All you can do is keep deleting his emails, change your details again. Send him one back asking him to leave you alone, say if he does not you will go down the harassment route.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 September 2020):
 It will takes as long as you let him live "rent free" in your head. When YOU decide and accept that he WAS a mistake and not all that great, you'll probably feel less excited about his e-mails.
OP, he was a fling. It was a hot mistake and it's over.
He isn't what you wanted, so you walked away.
Keep deleting and blocking his e-mail (don't read them, just toss) and focus on the relationship you have.
I'm sure it's nice to feel wanted, but if you really look at this guy you might notice he isn't all that great. You told him I want no further contact, and what does he do? Well, every now and then when he is bored he e-mails you. That means he has no respect for you, your boundaries or your relationship.
Is that really such a great guy?
...............................
|
