A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together just over a year. We love each other very much, he's my best friend, he's so caring and we are very affectionate.However, whenever we have sex.....I just don't enjoy it! I find him incredibly attractive, but once we start having sex I find it quite uncomfortable, slightly painful and not pleasurable at all, and I cannot orgasm from it. I don't know if its because I was a virgin before him and so I got used to orgasming from my vibrator/masturbating.Its really getting me down, as I love him very much and I do want to have sex with him but I find it hard to enjoy it.Any advice would be appreciated!
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male
reader, Beingblack +, writes (22 December 2012):
 Firstly, never ever ever ever ever STOP using your vibrator. I can't believe anyone would suggest that.
Like most of the women here have suggested, it is only a small percentage of women who can orgasm through penetrative sex. So do not worry at all.
My partner has a drawer full of vibrators, dildos etc, and uses them all the time, whether I'm at home or not. She has an orgasm through intercourse within a minute, and I firmly believe it is due to her perpetual exploration and use of masturbation. She knows how to use me to hit the right spot, just like she would use a toy.
You must make the vibrator part of your joint sex life. Let him watch you use it, most men would enjoy that. If he doesn't like the idea, then I'm afraid he is insecure and probably a little immature. Your pleasure and enjoyment should be higher on his list of priorities than his own pleasure.
Always remember that women control their own orgasms, men do not 'give' them one.
A
female
reader, morava12345  +, writes (22 December 2012):
I think it's time to be an open book with him. If he is relatively new at sex too, you could learn together. I didn't enjoy sex for the first couple years, my then bf, now husband took the initiative to get me close first but since have found many ways to help us out.
First, a man's ego can be very sensitive. Make sure that you are sensitive to it and he knows that most women need clitoral stimulation to orgasm as well and that this is an opportunity for both of you to explore pleasure more in depth. Trust me he will be happier for it too.
Rent or buy some books to go through together if it's an option. Buy a small. vibrator for him to use on you and perhaps some oral sex would help.
Know this is a common problem.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (21 December 2012):
Since you were a virgin before and you can orgasm when you're alone... well, maybe it's just a problem between you and your lover. So, no, you're not unable to orgasm. He's just unable to make you come. A vibrator and masturbation is actually a good training for your love muscles, so it should not be any harder for you because of that. I mean, if that would make it harder, I'd probably be unable to orgasm right now :). Which I'm not. I actually think your organs and libido are completely fine. Good sex=good communication. He obviously doesn't know what you want and you don't help him by saying him so. It really sounds like maybe he's penetrating you too early, when you're not sufficiently lubed, or too fast too hard. Since he's not a woman, how can he know what feels good for you? You must find out and tell him. I also can't orgasm from penetration alone, so I play with my clitoris or make the guy playing with my clitoris during sex. I can come from fingering or oral, though.Maybe you want to try some new technique? For any advice, I recommend the books by Lou Paget, the books are very good with instructions and pictures. They made my love life better.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (21 December 2012):
 Can't you take the vibrator into the bedroom with you. If it helps, then why not.
Also ask him to try oral upon you. It provides lubrication and is liked by most women
The books, movies and stories you hear are mostly lies. Enjoying sex doesn't come easily to most women, many women never have an orgasm from sexual intercourse alone. Many women don't find sex enjoyable until they reach in their 30's and 40's. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't try.
Alcohol can lower inhibitions, and make you relaxed enough to let go.
Some women find that the sexual position is important. Instead of normal lying on your back (missionary), try doggie position, or woman on top.
Personally I swear by massage. A bottle of oil, rubbed into the skin, from top to bottom, makes anyone sleepy, pliable and relaxed. It then becomes more easy to then make the touches more sexually and add kisses, every where and anywhere.
Good sex does involve a degree of "submission" as Sageoldguy1465 suggests. You have to let go of your fears, anxieties, assumptions, and expectations and just let go and relax.. This is the hardest thing to do, it's what creates the blockage for many women. That's why I suggest you concentrate on sounds, smells and feelings. Try not to think, but only to feel.
Sex isn't about the 101 positions that you can bend into. It's more like a picnic on a summer day, or strawberries and cream, or hot chocolate on a winters day. Try to stay in the moment. Whatever you feel, is good enough. The more you chase for orgasm, the faster it runs away.
And make sure you communicate to your partner, what your feeling and any difficulties. He may have some better ideas to help you.
Get him to try a blindfold and some whipped cream/ice-cream. The idea being to concentrate your mind on what's happening, and to excite your senses to the unknown.
It's your controlling mind that's blocking you, and that's the hardest thing to let go. If you love the guy, if you trust him, then there's nothing to stop you from enjoying yourself. He's no more dangerous than the vibrator than your using now, you can't make a fool of yourself, there is nothing to lose, relax and let go.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2012): It is so unfortunate that only 30% of women can achieve orgasm from penetration alone. But I became one of the 30% by learning my body. I found my g spot and INSTRUCTED my husband on how to get to orgasm. I just learned what I like and don't like and expressed it to him. Our sex life became much better. Just explore your turn ons and offs. I believe your sex life will turn around.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (21 December 2012):
 I suggest that you print out a copy of this submittal... show it to him ....and say, "Hunchy-bunchy, we have to do something new and different on my behalf, in the bedroom. Are you ready to do a little fun experimenting???"
If my hunch is correct, you and he will then commence some great fooling around that will have YOU all hot-and-sticky before you know it!!!!!
Good luck.....
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (21 December 2012):
 Agree with SVC. Very few women orgasm from penetration. Your vagina is really an erogenous zone, not an orgasmic pleasure center. If you orgasm from your vibrator, that's not weird or abnormal or anything, it means you know how to orgasm and you do it. That's all. It's no different from a guy using lube when he masturbates.
Why not use your vibrator during sex? Either him using it on you or you on yourself, or have him use it on you before sex. If you know that gets you there, then incorporate it. Just make sure to ask/warn him ahead of time, don't just whip it out. Also if it's penis-shaped, you might want to get one that is external only instead, you don't want him to feel replaced.
Make sure you are getting enough foreplay. If it's painful, then you aren't ready yet. You wouldn't try to have sex with him before he's hard, so why jump in before you're equally turned on? Women take longer to be ready. It sucks, but biology isn't really fair. I once heard someone say men are like microwaves, women are like ovens. The average woman needs 20 minutes to get fully warmed up! So make sure you are giving yourself PLENTY of time to get lubricated/loose.
You shouldn't jump to the lube unless you know you are turned on enough and are just experiencing dryness. You don't want to use it as a replacement for being properly turned on. However a silicone lube is great for foreplay as well. Oh and make sure when he is giving foreplay, you direct him to the outside (clitoris) rather than the vagina.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (21 December 2012):
I think finding it hard to orgasm could have something to do with getting used to your vibrator. However that wouldn't explain the discomfort and you not enjoying yourself.First of all I'd recommend that you stop using a vibrator for now. It can be hard for a human to compete with that.Second you need to be willing to communicate with him. It'll be difficult and may hurt his feelings, but there's nothing you can do about it unless you tell him how you feel. You don't have to say, "you're bad in bed" you can say something like, "I'm finding it difficult to orgasm and maybe we can work together to figure out how we can make that happen." I'd also say that you need to get on top and take things into your own hands (well not your hands). That way you can control things and be responsible for your own pleasure. It's nice for a man as well because women are able to move a little better when on top than how men can when in missionary.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 December 2012):
 deep sigh...
first of all less than 30% of all women orgasm from penetration alone. it will require manual or probably oral stimulation in order to orgasm. It does not mean anything is wrong with you... that's just the way it is for many women.
Secondly if you find sex uncomfortable it's probably originally because you were not sufficiently aroused and lubricated.
I suggest that you spend more time with him focusing on massive amounts of foreplay for you... oral sex given to you (and teach him how to do it so you like it) and manual stimulation.
I also recommend that you get a good quality silicone based lubricant and be generous with it...
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