A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I moved to my husbands home town after we married. My in-laws were very friendly, sometimes even a little too much with my family. My sister-in-laws started before we married going for day trips or holidaying close to my home town and visiting my relatives, sometimes arriving with a group of friends unannounced. My mother and father-in-law started doing the same. Once arriving with no accommodation booked and asked my aunt where to go. Of course my aunt put them up for the night. This makes them sound really cheap but they are not short of money.Neither myself or my husband were told that they were even going there to visit-like it was their friends and nothing to do with us. I would hear of their visit when i would ring my Mum. My in-laws gave the impression that they were seeing us and the kids all the time when in actual fact usually the only time we seen them was once a week when we did the ritual visit to my mother-in laws. The seldom time I asked my mother-in-law to look after the kids while i went to the Doc she always had something to do. She always had time for her other grandkids whom she looked after for free while their mum went to work and other at times also, she was always at their beck and call. Later when my younger sister-in-law(by 2 years) had her kids even though my mother-in law was much older she was able to do everything for her too like look after the kids and go help her clean up her house ect. I would not have anybody look after my kids who don't want them. They are lovely kids and anybody in contact with them at school or socially are very fond of them. When my kids are praised by someone or win something my in-laws try to take praise pretending that they have had an input in some way. Three years after we married my Mum died and my family has not been the same since because of arguments. I really needed my in-laws then for some support but never got it. I'm not talking about cleaning my house or looking after my kids but letting us know that if we needed some help or someone to talk to that they were there. I wanted my kids to have family to go to and feel comfortable with and i feel i've let them down that i've not provided them with that. After we married i put on about half a stone over 6-7 months because i was not getting the same exercise like walking to work and town which i was able to do before but now had to go by car as it was 5-6 miles away. My mother-in-law started to call me fatso and commenting on my weight and to be honest i've gradually put on more. I feel very uncomfortable in her company because she stares and will make comments about weight any chance she gets. She is obsessed about her own weight and has commented that she had as good a figure of a woman 20 years her junior. All this from a woman who regularly goes to Church and considers herself above everyone else. Sorry for having a BITCH really! But i still have to find a way of getting on with these people for my husband and kids sake. I really wish it wasn't like that. Any advice will be most welcome.
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female
reader, Kathy627  +, writes (11 July 2008):
Hello - I know EXACTLY how you feel. I have been with my husband for 16 years. Of those 16 years, we have been married 7 years. They dynamics of my husband's family is - his mom/dad are divorced. His mom is re-married. His dad is re-married for the 4th time. My husband has 1 sister and she has 2 kids. I have never been accepted as part of the family. I tried, and tried, and tried....His sister was always nasty. She passed down that trait to her kids. They won't even call me Aunt. They said it's because they kids have too many people to remember and they can't be expected to remember to do that. Yet they remember to call everyone else with a respected name, Uncle, Grandma, etc. They never remember my b-day, anniversary, special event. They said they can't remember when those days are. Yet when there special days roll around I would get a call from his mother asking me to send cards, gifts, etc. I even bought a gift one time for his nephew and was asked to return it. Then my sister-in-law went out and bought a similar item. Better than asking for the receipt, which they did all the time. They would have weddings, baby showers, parties, and never invite me. They said it was an oversight and I was sensitive. Then about 10 years ago when we moved into our home, my mother-in-law started to befriend me. My husband started having "issues" and I leaned on my MIL. I didn't want to but she was so persistent and I didn't have anywhere else to turn. While all the while I was unaware, she turned around and told the sister, aunt, and grandma. The sister would taunt me at family events with ......my husband would never do this or that, how about you? I used to say to the mom what was going on and she would say - oh it's a coincidence you are paranoid. Most recently my father passed away. My in-laws were so insensitive. The sister would not even give verbal condolences. She sent a 50 cent generic card, with nothing personal inside. This coming from a girl that always gives her friends the best. She told my husband it was nice and appropriate for me. She said she would Never give sympathy because she did not know my father and it would be inappropriate for her to say anything to me. Then his mother called me and said 2 things: 1 - I told her that your father died of a brain anuresym (it may have been a heart attack...not sure) so if you could stick to that because she thinks you are wishy wash. and 2 - she doesn't want you to talk about this in front of her children and ruin their Christmas or Birthday. I couldn't believe it! I have been in this family so long....yet they hate me! About 5 years ago my husband's grandfather passed away. There were over 200 pictures on a collage in his memory. Not 1 of me. The sister said the pictures represented everyone he loved and that were a part of the family. She ignored me the entire evening and treated me like crap. In the different dynamic - his Father who is re-married said he didn't send me a card because I didn't send him one when his dog died! He also said the burden was on me to fit into this family and I never will. So step aside and let his son be with his family and butt out! I try everyday to get over it. Each day is better than the last. My husband said he just can't believe it. And said don't worry about it because they don't respect him, so I never had a chance. I just feel bad because I only have my mom left and a few 1/2 siblings. I wish I could have "fit" in. But they made their points crystal clear. I did send a letter to both the mother and sister respectively. Responses? The mother said she threw hers in the garbage. And said the sister said if I ever tried to communicate again, she will take legal action. We haven't spoken in 2 years. I pray everyday that they will have some sort of epiphany. But for now.....I take it one day at a time. Good luck to you.
A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (16 July 2007):
 Oh you poor lamb, sweetheart I totally understand what you are going through I had almost 20 years of living with never quite achieving the levels of acceptance required by my partner's mother and sisters.
I have a daughter who is now 6 and I split with my ex in June 2005.
I had so much piled onto me over the years and yes like you my weight was always an issue like the top bought for me that was awful and about 2 sizes too big because his mother was never quite sure what size I was anymore and knew that I liked things nice and loose. I didn't like things that were glorified smocks though.
Anyway, when we announced that I was pregnant she thought we were telling her that her youngest daughter was pregnant and not me as she was convinced we would never have children as we had been together for 15 years, she really did keep on asking us over and over again but yes she finally came round to the idea.
I never once asked for help and even when I came out of hospital after my daughter was born she became very overbearing and my now ex. we said no help was needed although she offered to iron etc, mind you we both agreed that the meddling was just too much, my mum didn't offer as she was my dad's constant carer so I did it myself.
After we split, (we now still work together and he currently lives with us again, due to his rented place being sold), we are very amicable by the way. His older sister reckoned I should move out of the family home and leave my daughter here with him, he has never got on with his older sister and totally ignored this comment but it hurt me to think that she could ever think I would walk out on my own child.
I have been accused of slagging off the family and saying things behind my ex's back since then and I wanted to withdraw completely but after my dad died in February this year my ex's mother attended the funeral and I have let the past comments seep away for now.
You sweetheart need to keep your distance, this woman is bitter and twisted and you will probably never match up to her expectations for her son so don't even bother trying as you will kill yourself trying so to speak.
You got her son and you are the one who is the mother of her grandchildren, if your relationship with her son goes tits up she will need you more than you will ever need her. Remember that and keep telling yourself that.
You are an important person as you are the mother of her grandchildren and you deserve a level of respect.
Don't take the comments, come back with witty remarks like well we can't all be perfect like you can we ???? whatever her name is, but out of earshot of the children I would advise.
What does your hubby think of the way she talks to you as my ex has always thought I blew things out of proportion and he has always listened to his family rather than me but I have proved to him that I don't lie so he can trust my word.
Don't go to this woman's house if she makes you feel uncomfortable and tell your husband the reason why. Has his mother called you these names in front of your children btw as that is bang out of order if she has as she is painting a picture of thin and fat to them and that is just not right for children to have body image issues from an early age.
I suffered with severe post natal depression that went undetected for 2 years after my daughter was born and your self esteem can be on the floor so I would talk to your doctor as well about how you are feeling as you could well have some depression going on as well.
I am on low dose antidepressants for night times only right now due to stress and the loss of my dad as I wasn't switching off at night and that was certainly not helping my daughter or allowing me to function during the day as I was so tired.
This mother in law of yours sounds jealous of you that you have bagged one of the males in her life as her precious son and she has the issues re her body trying to kid herself that she is still in shape and able to look attractive I guess.
Start to believe in yourself again and remember you have more power than you give yourself credit for. You are an important person in your husband and children's life and the in-laws are not important. Warn your family to direct them to the nearest hotel if they turn up unannounced in the future as that is just pure rudeness and obtaining a freebie night away, I would never dream of doing it ever.
The loss of your mum could have brought you closer to your mother-in-law but instead she has kicked you when you needed her most, she is a monster-in-law in the truest form so fight fire with fire and don't stand for it anymore.
Talk to your husband about how you feel and the way in which your mother-in-law treats you and tell him you don't want to be around her if she cannot treat you with respect and if she continues to call you names you will not tolerate it in front of your children as that is not acceptable to anyone and get his agreement on this as it is setting a terrible example to them and they are your joint responsibility first and foremost.
Do talk to your doctor and if like me after my postnatal you need to talk to someone I was referred to a psychiatric nurse who actually told me that there were problems in my relationship that I really didn't want to see but he was so right so it is not that you are crazy but you need a confidence boost as eating more as comfort eating is also a way in which we try to drown out the problems around us.
Sweetheart I wish you all the very best of luck but you need to stay strong and keep telling yourself that you are a beautiful person and what would your mum be saying to you right now eh! I reckon she would kick your mother-in-law into next year.
I feel that I am ready now to go to a clairvoyant/spiritualist and that is not right for everyone but your mum is looking out for you and she would probably be horrified that your mother-in-law and in-law's are bullying you in such a way as that is what it is and it just isn't on OK.
Here for you anytime as we are all.
Take care and stay strong and keep smiling eh!
We all need a bitch from time to time btw.
Lots of love.
Country Woman
x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2007): Well the old saying of you can choose your friends but not your family certainly applies here. I understand some of what you say only too painfully - although I do not have children yet. The way my family in law are has actually put me off the idea of introducing children into such a bad and unhappy atmosphere - so I understand (before its even happened) how you must feel in terms of letting your children down.However you are not to sacrifice your own esteem and sanity for the sake of keeping up appearances and sometimes it is important to create some distance for your own sake. Think of it all as ring-fencing the problem or drawing a line in the sand. Some things are acceptable and some things are not - and you must decide which are which.I am concerned that you do not mention your husbands feelings / actions through all of this. I wonder if he is supporting you and 'policing' the way you are treated by his family? My husband blames me and says that I have a problem and it's not his responsibility to sort it out - this causes much tension as you can imagine and I have stopped seeing the inlaws (which is I accept much easier without children involved). Perhaps you can limit your time with them or make the situations less intense - meet up somewhere on neutral ground where there is a distraction so they are not the only reason for being there?As for the insults, you absolutely do not have to take that!!! I had the exact opposite in that I was too skinny my hair was frizzy and I didn't wear the right clothes. It ruined my self esteem and the only way I could deal with it was to avoid her - at least I didn't have the criticism then. She knows she is wrong but I do believe you need back up from your husband. Please take a tough line. One thing for sure - you don't want your children to grow up thinking its ok for other family members to be rude and abusive to you, their mother. That will hurt their feelings because they love you.
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