A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:OK...where to begin...I'm 25 years old and newly married. My husband travels a lot with work, so we are separated for a good month at a time because he is always out of country. I can't tell you specifically what he does, but he is NOT in a position to cheat on me. Trust me on this, so I know that's (cheating) not the problem.Anyways, I am not so ignorant to where I don't realize that people have different sex drives, but what gets me, is that it's usually the other way around. Isn't it that men want to have sex more frequently than women?The problem: When my husband IS home, he only wants to have sex once every 2 or 3 days. That's a problem for me, because I want to have sex ALL THE TIME!!! Maybe I'm the problem??? In my ideal sex life, I would consider myself happy after having sex 2 or 3 times a day. Realistically, I know this isn't always possible, but we're newly weds for goodness sakes! Aren't we supposed to want to have sex on every surface of our house and break every room in??? My husband is about to turn 30. Could this be the problem? I've read a few articles that state that a man's sex drive decreases in his thirties. Also, I'm having a bit of self-esteem issues with this as well, because I'm the one to almost always iniciate sex, but I constantly get shot down. I realize a relationship is a give and take, but how can I get him to see a doctor or how do I even bring this topic up without hurting his self-esteem? Any ideas about approaching this topic and about what the problem could be...Also, is it possible that I have a high sex drive right now because I'm thinking of having a baby? I know this might sound weird to the guys reading this, but for the women reading this--did you ever go through a stage where ALL you thought about was having a child? I go to the store and I walk into the baby section and stay there oogling all the cute little outfits. I cry at nights because I wished I had a child of my own. I go grocery shopping and have to praise all the children. I constantly have a baby on my mind!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2012): His sex drive sounds normal in fact many married couples have sex far less frequently than once every 2 or 3 days. So to suggest he has a medical problem is inappropriate. Just because he is away for long periods for work doesn't change his sex drive. You just need to accept the hand you were dealt with when you chose him as your husband and learn to take care of your own needs in between times with him.
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (1 May 2012):
 Cialis is for Erectile Dysfunction (ED) - i.e. for men who cant get an erection or struggle maintaining an erection. It does not increase a man's sex drive, it simply addresses any problem's with erections. I dont think your husband has ED by the sounds of things, so the doctor definitely would not prescribe that for him. As I said before, your husband does not have any medical problems so the doctor would not help you at all, he would find it a little ridiculous that someone who has sex 2-3 times a week is coming in saying he has a problem with sex.
So lets make this clear - your husband DOES NOT HAVE A PROBLEM therefore there is no 'solution'.
It sounds to me like the actual problem is his job! If you have sex 2-3 times a week when he is home that is good, but if he is away for extended periods then of course that is the issue. But if you have been with him over 6 years then of course you know about this job, you know the downsides yet you still married him, so you cant really complain because you knew what you were getting into right from the start. If you didnt like his job keeping him away for so long - then you should have said something to him much earlier in the relationship or you shouldnt have married him.
Can you talk to him about his job and see if there is an alternative that would mean he is home more? Because you are not happy without him clearly - you are obsessing about babies as a replacement for a husband, and you are upset about the lack of sex and intimacy in the marriage. And if you do end up pregnant and having a child, you cannot raise a child when your husband is away so much, you will almost be a single mom! There must be other options for his work - he will be able to speak to someone at his company, or look for a different job that would mean he is closer to home.
I know he might be reluctant to leave his job, but it isnt sustainable for the future to carry on like this - for both of you. You will grow more and more unhappy, you will struggle raising a child alone. He will miss out on seeing his child grow up, and eventually he may end up losing you.
Talk to him and see if you can come to a compromise - but I do think the problem is the job, and if he wasnt away so much then that would solve all of your issues.
Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your reply. A few of the answers to your questions are listed below.No, my husband and I did not live together before we got married, so I know that can't be the issue. We were together for 6 years before marriage, but he was gone about half of that time due to work. His work takes him to the most remote places in the world, so I can not always travel with him.As for seeing a doctor, can't they recommend Cialis or something like that? I'm no expert by any means, but I didn't mean to sound ungreatful that I have an 'average' sex life, so please excuse me if I came across this way. I was just wondering, like I stated in my original question, whether or not this was an issue and if so, if this could be a solution. Obviously, only people with experience with this would know, but it was just a question.And...although you state that "I am lucky to have a husband who wants sex so frequently", I beg to differ. He is amost NEVER home, so--so frequently comes to be about a handfull of times every 2 months. I don't think that's frequent at all!!!And as for meeting in the middle--I completely AGREE! But, so far, I've been meeting him with his needs all the way. He hasn't offered to play with me or please me in any other ways, I simply have to go without!After analyzing the baby thing, I do realize that I could just want one to overcompensate for my husband always being gone, but the fact of the matter is that we had been dating for a long while before we got married, so I knew what I was getting myself into. I really--honestly don't think that's the issue. Neither is depression, because I knew beforehand that he was like this. I love him regardless of our sex life--or lack thereof, but Ugh! I guess I just needed an outlet to vent. Thanks again!
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (30 April 2012):
Yes you are newlyweds, but how long were you together before you got married? Did you live together before you got married?
If the answer to the above is yes you did live together, then the whole 'newlywed sex all the time' idea is not going to happen I'm afraid. The reason why people have this idea that newlyweds should be having a lot of sex is because before people moved in together pre-marriage, they probably wouldnt have had sex before, or if they did it would be very infrequent. So when they finally get married it meant that they could be at it like rabbits!
Whereas in today's modern world where we do tend to live together before marriage, not a lot changes when you get married and its just like life as normal, but with a ring on your finger. So he is not going to feel any different about sex when he has been sleeping in the same bed with you for years!
So that means that your expectation of lots of sex simply because you are newlyweds is unrealistic and based in a notion from many many years ago when times were very different.
You will not be able to go to a doctor either, because he wants sex 2-3 times a week, which for many other couples would be considered great! If you search this site you will find many people (both men and women) complaining that they dont even have sex once a month!
So if you sat in front of a doctor and said his sex drive is too low, then the doctor asks 'how many times a week are you having sex?' - and the answer is 2-3 times a week he will laugh you out of his office and tell you that he is perfectly healthy with a great sex drive, and there is no medical problem there at all!
I think you need to re-adjust your expectations and realise that you have an extreme sex drive that a lot of the male population cannot match. Unless you and your boyfriend are both unemployed then sex 2-3 times a day is unrealistic, you simply dont have time for so much sex.
Traditionally you might expect men to have a higher sex drive than women, but this is a myth - all men are different, some have a very high sex drive, some have an average sex drive (like your husband) and some have a low sex drive. My ex wanted sex around once every month or two months! Imagine that!
You are lucky to have a husband who wants sex so frequently, there are plenty of men out there who want sex much less frequently so you could be in a far worse position.
So overall - your husband has not got a problem, it is just a case of mis-matched sex drives. Surely you must have known this before you got married? Or did you not have sex before marriage? You have an extremely high sex drive, he has an average sex drive. Your expectations are unrealistic, so you need to adjust to this and realise you have chosen to marry a man with a different sex drive, you are supposed to love him for better for worse so you have to compromise a bit.
Talk to him by all means - but do not in any way suggest he has a problem because he doesnt at all. Explain that you want a lot of sex, and while it is great when you do have it, you are starting to feel hurt when you get shot down and it is affecting your self esteem. You both need to meet in the middle - you need to realise that you cant be having sex 2-3 times a day, and that he does have a lower sex drive than you so you have to accomodate that. But he also needs to realise that you like a lot of sex and you are starting to be affected by him rejecting your advances so he needs to try to maybe have sex a couple of times more a week.
As for the wanting a baby thing - it does sound like that could be the cause. If you are crying at night because you want a baby so badly it does sound like you have a bit of a problem to be honest, wanting a baby is normal when you first get married (my friend got married in September and she cant stop thinking about babies) but crying over it really is not normal. You are only 25 so I'm sure you will have a baby soon, there is no reason to go to such extremes like crying about it. Perhaps see a doctor and check you havent got a form of depression or something like that.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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