A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Okay, this is going to be very long so please bear with me.When I first got with my boyfriend in August '08, I made it very clear to him that some very bad things had happened to me in the past concerning sex when I was only young, and that because of this I regarded sex very highly and believed it was almost sacred. I then made it clear that if he watched porn I would be completely destroyed, as I regarded it as cheating.Then he watched porn. I asked him to stop for a week, and he didn't. This continued to the point where I was self harming because I thought no one would ever see me as a huan being with feelings. After that he stopped.One week after our one ear anniversary, I was in the shower with the door open should he want to join me. He didn't and when I finished I went to the TV room to find him but he was no longer there. I found him in his bedroom watching porn of the very same girl from the beginning of our relationship. I went insane and he lied to my face, saying it was his brother's. His brother is gay. Naturally, I was distraught and packed my bags but he broke down into tears and started saying how sorry he was so I decided to give him yet another chance.A week ago (having been together almost two years) I found that the freeview on his TV had quite a few extra porn channels that you had to pay for to get on your list of channels. I questioned him about this to which he replied 'Oh my God I don't care anymore! Stop going on about the porn thing!' In fact every time I try to talk to him about it he storms out of the room.Now I am on the verge of depression, I feel no one will love me unless I am a size zero with a boob job. I am no longer eating properly. Is it normal for me to be this affected by this behaviour? And should I leave him for my own mental health?Thanks in advace for your advice x
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female
reader, Not My Name  +, writes (24 February 2010):
 I really have trouble getting a good grasp on why so many women are so insecure about their men watching porn, much less why they feel it is cheating, ...however, what I can get a grip of out of your post is that you must be in extreme pain to be self harming. Often people will do this coz the physical pain is actually a relief from the emotional pain.
Porn is not your greatest concern tho, your mental health is, and i think you need to seek some professional counselling about your past trauma so that you can learn to deal with things without letting them get you so unstable you are a danger to yourself.
Most men do/have/will watch porn. You probably wont be able to completely escape it, so you have to learn to deal with your own feelings that arise from it. Sure you could try to find a man who is not that in to it, but that only eliminates a trigger, ... but to react like that to a situation as such makes me think there would be numerous triggers that could provoke that reaction.
You need to get well in yourself so you can tackle (without hurting yourself) whatever life throws at you, ...and that is something we develop within. At the moment tho, you are letting the external stuff make and break what is going on inside you.
A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (24 February 2010):
 This really seems like an over reaction to me.
If you really want a man that does look at porn, ever, then you are going to have look among the following categories: men with very low sex drives; men that can't operate a computer, men with strong religious convictions and the blind or possibly some combination thereof.
The fact that he looks at porn is NO REFLECTION ON YOU or your looks or your talents.
I do think however that it is little odd of him to pay for extra porn on the TV when surely all the porn that one would ever need is available for free at the click of a mouse - that is just a waste of money.
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A
male
reader, Gabe121 +, writes (24 February 2010):
What a ridiculous thing to do!
You should leave the poor guy because frankly no one deserves to put up with this crap! You are making him feel guilty for something that is completely normal for a man to do - threatening self harm shows that you are a bit unstable and should probably seek professional help.
I understand that something happened to you when you were younger but to put it frankly that's just tough luck and something that you need to get over. A lot of good people have bad things happen to them and they deal with it and move on.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (24 February 2010):
 You have issues because of your sexual abuse that have not been dealt with. This is the main issue. You see sex as something holy and sacred. But your boyfriend is a man, he probably sees sex as something raw, dirty and nasty, as hot as it comes. Now if you demand that he always treat you like a breakable princess, and worship and treat you gently during sex, he probably gets bored. Many men aren't like women. When they touch us their hands can be rough and big. Just like when we touch their penis, sometimes we are too soft and gentle. Obviously, your boyfriend is like millions of men all over the world. They like to masturbate and have visual stimulation and they like to do it alone. To starve yourself and want to die, because your boyfriend is doing what many normal men do is an extreme reaction. You need to go counselling to get over your sexual abuse and find more healthy ways with dealing with life.
Leave your guy, your actions at the moment are worrying me. I don't think you should date at the moment, when disappointed you try to hurt yourself. You might find your next guy is the same or worse, and I'm scared what you will do then. Please contact your doctor and ask for help in resolving past sexual abuse.
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