A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I waited my whole life to find the "one" (got married this year for the first time and am expecting a baby). Life is good!However, there are a few big stressors in my life that I am having a very hard time coping with. My husband and I live in the same city but are in two different houses (trying to sell both in a bad market). He doesn't like staying at my house during the week as he likes being closer to his work and I can't stay at his easily as my commute is 10x harder than his to get to work. So being married almost 8 months and living apart (and now being 4 months pregnant), this is less than ideal.The worst part is that he has this shelter dog (he had for about 6 months prior to meeting him) who has major separation anxiety and is destructive and extremely needy. The dog is very bad when I watch it (pees indoors on purpose and runs away). My husband refuses to believe that his dog isn't well behaved with me (despite the damage he does on his own to his house). I have a severe anxiety disorder too and this dog makes me a nervous wreck. I can't stand being around him and the issue has caused countless fights in this otherwise fairy tale romance. He's told me the dog isn't going anywhere (even though I've never asked him to leave) and allows him to do whatever he wants. I do not want the dog at my house while I'm trying to sell it as he is too dangerous to have around, plus he is ruining my brand new hardwood floors (spent $10K installing 2 years ago before I met him). I am becoming very bitter and angry about the whole situation and am dreading the thought of what is going to happen when we sell both homes, have the baby and have this dog in our environment. My husband is pretty much a sloppy person and I am a neat freak. I cannot stand the smell, the dirt, the pee and the aggravation.Right now I type this as my husband is sleeping at his own place (I got very ill last night at my parents -stomach -due to pregnancy, but he had to go home to be with his dog -I stayed at my parents and now went back to my place).I know all the dog lovers out there are going to bash me but please look at my perspective. I grew up with large dogs and have a huge capacity to love animals (have a 13 year old cat) but just cannot stand this breed of dog and the neediness and the mess. Plus, my husband's preference to be with the dog instead of me is really wrecking my confidence (in anger he's said twice that if the dog goes, he goes). We've only been married less than 8 months...I really need some help.Thanks for listening
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female
reader, Sehena +, writes (28 December 2009):
Oh don't be such a selfish twit! A dog is a person too!Admittedly they're furry, but they also have feelings!So don't be so harsh on the dog! Imagine how the dog would feel if the situation was reversed! That your husband was spending all his time with you! I know you're pregnant, but that's no reason to be selfish! And don't expect you husband to get rid of his dog just because you're having a baby! He's had that thing longer than he has you! Yes, I can understand where you're coming from to a point, because I'm a girl as well! But I've had animals all my life, and I know that they just need love and attention! Maybe the four of you should try to get along instead of bickering like a preteen! Stop being so selfish!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2009): Well, my husband really loves his dog. Maybe he loves his dog more than himself, for sure more than me. I compromised. We are together for 4 years. My husband already had 2 dogs when we got together. An old one was a sweetheart but he died several months ago. But the younger one (5 y/o) half fox terrier and half beagle is really wild. This dog was 1 when w got together. She barks non stop. Jumps on people, demands attention all the time even when she is having attention. So since we are married now for over a year and since this dog isn’t going anywhere I tried to train her. But my husband gets very mad at me that I want to train her. I love my husband. But it’s really difficult when he loves his dog more than he cares about me. Now I’m pregnant 5 months. He thought it’s weird that I’m feeling tired and not that healthy in my 1st trimester. He wouldn’t even talk to me and plays only with his dog. I feel very lonely specially when I need support from the person I love. Yesterday my father-in-law came to visit me. My husband is traveling right now and my father-in-law totally yelled at me that I'm not kicking out that dog. I think my husband told him something. I never ever even planned to kick out this dog. I know if I even try to kick out the dog my husband will kick me out first. It totally hurt my feelings. I feed, pay attention and walk that dog and that's what I get in return?
SO I guess baby and me we’ll be always after the dog and have to deal with it for another 10 more years.
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A
female
reader, ISABEL +, writes (20 July 2008):
Hello!I am also having a similar problem, even worse. So, I am not the better person to advice you, but I am going just to tell my story. I am an European citizen and until last year I lived in my country. Then I get married and moved to the USA, since my husband lives here. Well, has a very dangerous dog. He spent almost all my saving buying a new house and the dog spoils everything. We always had issues about the dog, but I thought things would change. But they did not. I get pregnant and the situation become even worse. Everything dirty because of the dog, the dog pus indoors, etc. Well, fights and more fights. Once, he said me that he does not want the baby, he wants the dog. Well, God listened him and I loose the baby. Sometimes, he sleeps with the dog. The dog have bitten my child 3 times (nothing serious, but anyway). He takes always de the dog's defense and I also do not know what to do... All my saves are in this house... And I also love him and I am sorry that he does not realize how terrible is this situation for me. Sometimes I think maybe he has or he already had sex with this dog... I don't know. Anyway, I feel that he loves me. Just he loves the dog as well (the dog more than me), other times I think if he would love me he would not have this behavior. ... Well, sorry about my errors, I am foreigner.I think it will be hard for me to divorce, to live without him, but the true is that he does not make me happy.Best wishes.
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female
reader, Smartgirl  +, writes (11 June 2008):
Dear Female Reader from US anonymous:
I am having a similiar problem and that's how I got to this site. My new husband of 6 months has two pompekes and his Mom has been taking care of them for a while for us. The dogs came to our new home on Saturday and there is doggy poop all over a sandbox right near our front step. They have torn up a small broom outside leaving bristles and sand all over the new step. I fell once on those steps due to sand being on them. The smell is pretty bad and he promises to clean up but in the evening after work. When I wake up in the morning to prepare for the day including his lunch, coffee, this is what I am greeted with (smell).
I have fed them for the past week more or less and I must now keep my beautiful new front door locked.
I can see how the dogs may afford us some safety but they rarely bark and they are small dogs!
I think as a child and young adult I cared for sufficient pets including dogs. I would prefer that we get a cat since they jump on you less and they go in a litter box. Of course they do kill birds, mice and bring 'em into the house. The truth is I am getting accustomed to being a new bride along with all its duties and I really resent being saddled with this responsibility.
I have also been told that the dog's hair/fur may create problems for pregnant women and we are trying to start a family.
I do not want to upset my husband but I am currently holding some anger about all of this since I have told him on various occasions before the wedding that I did not want the dogs. We will have to neuter them (they are both female) and that costs some down here.
In addition, I am concerned about how his mom will react since she endured the caregiving for some time and I want to ditch this plan.
I want him to be happy and have this thing that he says he never had as a boy but I simply cared for too many pets back in the day. I want my surroundings to be clean, polished and smell free sans the yucky sandy poopy mess!
Any one out there has any advice??
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2008): i think you're issue is not the dog. while it may be the surface and can be fustrating, it's not the cause of your anxiety or anger. what's contributing to your stress is the fact that you're newlyweds and living in seperate homes, you're pregnant and don't have the constant contact with your husband, the fact that your home won't sell and the principle that your husband won't make a compromise. so here's my advice, don't take it out on the dog. while it may be easy to do so because of course this is the easiest problem you can fix, you need to find ways to handle your stress. try sending the dog with your husband instead of you having to care for it. plan nights where its not an option that you and your husband spend together in the same house, and talk to your husband about the princple of the problem-the compromise not the dog. marriage isn't easy and the first 5 yrs are the hardest. so now is the time to set your goals of how you would like to handle problems and tackle them as a partnership because that's what a marriage is. i wish you the best of luck!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2008): I am in the same boat. My husband and I got married last June. He had a dog for 3 years before we met and the dog is spoiled rotten. My husband and I got a kitten together and I love her to death. She is well behaved and causes no trouble. His dog on the other hand is a more trouble than he is worth. He eats all of the cats food even though he has his own. He is a Great Pyrenees and because of that, I have to vacuum EVERY day. It really needs it twice a day. He doesn't listen to me and he begs non-stop when we have company. He has snapped at me and the kitten. I am at my wits end. I have told my husband how disrespectful the dog is to me but my husband won't listen. The dog acts like a saint when he is around but the second he leaves, I have a devil dog running around. I wish I could help solve your problem...but I don't even know how to fix mine. I love animals very much but I would love to just get rid of him. :(
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2008): I'm almost six months pregnant with twins right now, and I've been married for two years, these will be my first children.
And I HATE my husband's house dog. I go to the local university as a full-time student, was working until Dec. 31 of last year, and I do ALL OF THE CLEANING, PERIOD!! My husband has had this hideous, un-neutered male poodle since before we ever met. He keeps him in the house. He has bathed him about 4 times since we met, has never wormed him, and took him to a groomer once. He shaves his smelly, hideous coat about once or twice a year. It is the most disgusting dog EVER. What's worse than his appearance and smell is that his penis never goes inside (soo gross), he pees and craps on the floor sometimes and I have to clean it or it stays where it is (forever, I've already tested this). So please feel lucky if anything. We live in Georgia, where it's usually even warm in the winter. There is a large fenced-in area of the yard and a dog box, and he refuses to keep that creature outside, and refuses to get rid of it. If he cannot take care of it, neuter it, and keep him more clean then he has no business with it. I definately feel your pain in this subject, and I also have some emotional issues...my advice is GET OUT before you get in any deeper, don't have the baby and THEN leave! This is coming from the heart. The marriage has not went that far yet, and I suggest to leave any one who will not part with an animal for your sake, or at least keep it outdoors. I have a cat that I've had since he was a little kitten, and care about him very much. However, he is not a human, he is an animal, and if my husband could not stand to have him around for any logical reason, even if it was allergies or just a bad vibe he got from the cat, I would find a good loving home and he would have to go. A spouse should NEVER agonize you like that, make you uncomfortable or dreadful of your own home, especially when it's an animal. You should find someone, someday, that is more compatible and doesn't have major issues of conflict. I regret my own marriage, but leaving in my personal situation is much easier said than done. I have a feeling, just by the way you wrote what you did, that you've got it a little easier.
[email address blocked]
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2008): I understand how you are feeling. Each person responds differently to potential stressors. Many people, especially the dog lovers here, don't find that behavior so stressful; rather, it is part of the responsibility of having a pet that brings joy into their life. Its just like the responsibility you will have with your new baby: yes, they cry, don't sleep, poop in their pants, limit your social life, and can wreck your car, but boy, you love and cherish them anyway! (congratulations, by the way!)You and your husband will face many challenges in your life, and this is the first one you have had to deal with. I think it is time for you to make a mature decision, not for the sake of the dog, but for the sake of your marriage. How you choose to behave, I think, will set the tone for your future decisions and for the relationship you have together. Will you work together, and find a solution that accommodates both of your legitimate concerns (your stress, his happiness)? Or will you resolve to get rid of the dog (and him?) regardless of the consequences?I don't know the whole story (only your side), but I think because he had the dog when you met, fell in love and married him, the burden is on you to accommodate the situation. Yes, its not perfect for you, but welcome to marriage! If he loves you, and understands your concerns, he should try to to train the dog, with your help. But the starting point is you adopting (not "accepting") the dog as your own, just as you would a child of his from a previous relationship (kids and dogs both know intuitively if we love them or not) If you do that, genuinely do that, I think it will start a virtuous cycle of love and accommodation between you and your husband, which will benefit your life together. If you choose to make the dog an "issue", it will serve as a nasty precedent, and you both will end up miserable. Also, if you have a severe anxiety disorder, is it possible the dog (good or bad) is just the current focus of your stress? You can get rid of the dog, but if you don't resolve your own anxiety, your stress won't diminish, it will just move on to something else (your job, his family, your kids?). The best advise anyone has ever given me is: "The easiest thing to change in life is your attitude". Anxiety is deeper than attitude, but if that is a constant source of problems for you, I would focus on that, first. Best of luck, and I hope you two find your fairy tale again :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2008): I'm sorry to hear that your guy wants you to get rid of your cat. It isn't easy combining relationships with our existing pets. I hope everything works out (I have a thirteen year old cat who was with me the entire time -most of my adult life)...can't imagine being without him.
We're going to try to get training for this dog, but quite honestly I don't know how I'm going to survive. ha ha! The dog makes me miserable...just want to focus on the baby I'll be having and not cleaning up after him dealing with him taking up all of our time. uuuuuuugh
Thanks for listening and I'll be thinking of you. Cats are so easy to take care of -nothing like a big 100 lb dog with anxiety issues (hope your guy can work this out)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2008): I'm on the otherside of your situation. My guy hates my cat and wants me to give him up (although he isn't pee'ing on the floor). From my side the best thing I can suggest is to try to get a compormise. As long as your husband is willing to work on the things you don't like about the dog, you will need to put aside your frustration for a little bit to help him get it trained to the point that it is acceptable to both of you. But he wont be able to do this without your help, since you both have seperate houses that it stays at.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2008): Thanks again everyone. I really need to chill out. Wish I could enjoy the dog more but I just don't. I hate it being in the house near me and am just miserable. The additional stress with not being able to live with my husband (after almost 8 months of marriage) and being 4 months pregnant is sending me into a serious depression. I know others have far bigger problems than this and I feel guilty complaining, but I'm just so unhappy. I waited so long to get married and am just depressed that things are so stressful. Thanks for listening and God Bless.
Happy New Year!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2007): Noone here seems to love dogs more than humans. What kind of answer are you looking for? You say you don't want him to get rid of the dog..All that I have read is poeple suggest getting a dog trainer. To me that does not sound like they love dogs more than humans..it's really your only choice left since you claim you don't want the dog gotten rid of. As far as your anxiety goes, that is a completely different matter and not something we can cure. You can go to a therapist, get on pills for anxiety. But probably not until after you have the baby. Since your husband won't get rid of the dog, and you won't help to train the dog, I don't know what other option you have except to live with it, or leave.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2007): Thanks everyone for responding. My cat is declawed and neutered and is very easy to be around. He is also 13 (I have had him since the beginning). I would be willing to give up my cat but my husband won't give up his dog (nor would I ask him to). I don't touch the cat litter (guys I'm not that out of touch). I realize that the animal lovers out there will side with my husband, but appreciate the responses from those who understand that his dog is unruly in the house when I have it (peeeing -can you imagine a 100 lb dog doing this in your house) and cannot be controlled. It is making me sick to my stomach. I just needed to vent...it is not that I don't like dogs (I love them actually) but as I have a severe anxiety disorder, this particular dog is not a good fit for me. As my husband and I are still living apart, I suppose I don't need to worry about this for a while. I'm just devastated -waited my entire life to be married, now I'm pregnant and living apart from my husband (as he has to stay at home with his dog and he doesn't like the 20 min commute to his work -it is closer to 1 1/2 hrs each way for me from his place).Anyhow it is 5:30AM and I'm not with it yet. If anyone has any ideas of coping with the anxiety I have (it has developed into a huge aversion for this dog and a resentment against my husband), I would appreciate your help. Please no more replies from those who love their dogs more than humans....Thank you
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2007): I am a dog lover and won't be bashing you. I got a dog trainer because my dog was 'taking control' of the house it felt to me. He started to assert his authority and I began to feel that my space wasn't my own. The dog trainer advised me that dogs actually prefer to know their place in the home and it is up to us humans to be very very firm in ensuring they don't get too many privileges. You don't have to be cruel to the animal but it will actually benefit from you and your hubby taking some properly advised steps. My dog trainer came into the house and looked around at the kind of things we had in place - like we had a blanket on one of the armchairs just for the dog. She said "No way - that has to go..... whose chair is it?" Little by little we have realised the error of our own ways (give a dog an inch and they'll take a mile!) Now we have a stairgate (something you may be getting already anyway for other reasons) and it also contained the dog to certain areas. You need to give it straight to hubby - you get a dog trainer in and follow the rules they set out or you will be off. If he still chooses the dog....good luck to him. I hope he comes to his senses. However I have to stress (however difficult this seems at first) the responsibility is with you BOTH to re-train your dog and you need to both be working together on it. I hope things work out for you.
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female
reader, mama2three +, writes (31 December 2007):
 We have a dog that has massive seperation anxiety...I get it :) It's awful!
There are compromises in this situation, such as hiring a dog trainer. We also had to hook up a trolley system in our backyard so she can be hooked up while outside (she jumps our 6 foot fence) and while we're away so she won't pee everywhere. There are a few options, and you could even talk to your vet about what to do.
HOWEVER...
When the baby comes, if this dog is the least bit aggressive or causes problems, he *has* to go ASAP. Regardless of what your hubby says, you cannot compromise on that situation, get rid of the dog! I sure hope he'd understand under those circumstances.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2007): Make a compromise, you get rid of your cat and he get rid of the dog. Does your husband like having a cat around that pees and poops in the house? Even though it is in a litter box, the smell is still terrible. I am sure your cat sheds as well, most cats do unless they are hairless. Have you thought about the risks of having a cat in your home being pregnant? handeling the litter could make you get toxoplasmosis and harm you & your unborn baby. Dogs don't carry diseases that harm or kill unborn babies, do they? Well all I can say is that he really loves this dog, and I know exactly how he feels as I love dogs too. All you're going to be able to do is ask of he'll compromise in some way, say that you don't want animals in the house because of the baby and you'll get rid of your cat if he gets rid of the dog. It may not sound fair to you, but this is his pet & if you make this compromise it may push him to make one too. Also, cats that scratch babies & kids cause the child to have a very high fever called "cat scratch fever" from the bacteria (feces) under their nails. So you may want to think about that as well.
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