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*ndoftether
writes:I have suspected for months that things have been going on at my husband's place of work although of course he has strongly denied as he really has too much to lose. However, we were about to go to bed for sex the other evening and it was cold so after removing my bra, I put my T shirt back on. He then said 'you women make me laugh. You take your clothes off and then put them back on again'. I immediately picked up on this as after 30 odd years of marriage, how many women was he referring too and should he not have said 'you make me laugh'? when I picked him up on this he very quickly said he had meant me. Personally I think he dropped himself in it inadvertently. Is this just my suspicious mind or am I right in making this observation? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2013): For 33 years of trust to start being called into question now, there must have been a drastic shift in the dynamic of your relationship.
I would normally say talk to him and ask him what's wrong. But if he's never confessed to cheating to his previous partners, he probably wouldn't do so voluntarily now.
You know him more than any of us and if you feel like you're playing cat and mouse then throw him off the scent. Stop asking (thereby putting him on his guard) and start keeping a close eye on his movements.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2013): Honey you have been married to a man for thirty three years and you cant figure out if he is cheating or not? I find that hard to believe. If you have suspicions then there is probably something that should be investigated. If it bothers you that much you tell your husband your fears and tell him honey if your dipping your wick into somebody else I am going to throw you out of the house and you will be paying support till your eighty years old. But hold down your temper and seek rational solutions here. I have been in a successful relationship going on four years with a great man and let me tell you it doesn't take me long to figure out if women have been hitting on him or crying on his shoulder with their romance issues. My boyfriend is better looking that Ryan Gosling. He will come home from work and be a bit bothered and distant. After settling down it doesn't take long for him to tell the whole story. He used to try and avoid these women but his boss is a women and he is only one of two men in a lab full of women. It wasn't long before his boss gave him shit for being insensitive to his fellow co-workers. So should I think my boyfriend is porking his boss and the other women in the lab of course not. You have to get to the root causes with your marriage of 33 years. I have been with my man almost four years and it doesn't take rocket science to figure out there is something wrong at work. But let me tell you one thing, he never ever said anything negative to me even after a horrible day of be bothered by everyone at work. You shouldn't have to accept that kind of verbal abuse. It is the 21st century and this kind of out burst or behaviour is unacceptable. Good-luck.
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reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (31 May 2013):
 if you were 18 when you met him and he has an ex wife and an ex long term partner of 5 years.. how much older than you is he?
men of a certain age may have ED and not want to admit it or talk about it....
the other things are circumstantial.
He cheated on past partners but in 33 years you have never suspected him in the past of cheating have you? IF not, then I'm not so sure I'd be so quick to assume he's cheating.
I text male coworkers on occasion or call them and have lunch with them and I will call them hon or baby or sweetie sometimes...
fantasy talk can make life interesting.....
my point is that I'm looking at it from a NOT cheating standpoint and everyone else including you will see it the other way....
testing his pants won't work... you can buy a black light and hold it over but ANY bodily fluids will glow including urine and i've seen older men dribble plenty on their pants honey... just like women who sneeze or cough and piddle...
not saying your gut feeling is not accurate after all YOU know your husband...
Personally if his behavior has changed drastically lately or his personality, the first thing I would do is get a complete medical work up... my mother's brain cancer was not diagnosed as timely as it could have been due to her and dad assuming her behavior and personality changes were due to moving to florida and leaving the kids (she was cranky and depressed and tired) once we knew she had a brain tumor we understood her behavior had been affected.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2013): strangely my boyfriend says the same thing and it was a while back i caught him on dating websites its destroyed my heart as we have been threw alot together mostly however on my part, tending to his every need now i wonder what else he gets up to and i no longer trust him, they foolishly choose to stay.
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reader, endoftether +, writes (31 May 2013):
endoftether is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your reply. I do feel however that he had cheated when he used to work away from home a lot years ago and during that time, I found a durex in his briefcase which he said had been put there as a joke!! I have just never had any hard proof and if I get the pants tested, it will show any secondary dna and whether that dna is female. Thanks again for your answers. I must sound like a complete loony tunes but unfortunately, it feels like I am going mad to the point where I am beginning to question whether or not I am imagining all of these things.
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reader, oldbag +, writes (31 May 2013):
 Hi
It does sound suspicious but I think having his underwear tested is a tad too far. I think if he was going to cheat, as per his history, he would have done it a lot more during 30 years of marriage to you and as these suspicions sound isolated and only recent, I don't think he is now.
However, he is your husband and you know him best. so go with your gut.
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reader, Eyespy17 +, writes (31 May 2013):
It COULD be that his sexual interest is peaked at work by someone and he has fantasized there about going into the woods ... But it could be a fantasy (not actual cheating) and now he's trying to involve you in it. As for the change in sex drive - it could be that he's getting older and using fantasies like anal and into the woods - to jump start his desire?As for the stain - is it on the inside? Does it look like cum? Could be anything. I wouldn't waste your money on testing it. Have you ever just stopped by his job? Have access to his cell phone or cell phone bill? I'm not usually a fan of checking up on people but after 30 years - you have much invested and are driving yourself crazy. I'd love to see you check up on him and be reassured that it's nothing - at worst it's some silly flirting to make him feel young again.
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reader, endoftether +, writes (31 May 2013):
endoftether is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThere were also handprints on his car's dusty dashboard which I make a point of never touching because it's always dirty and yet he said they must have been mine! He recently changed his car and yet again that dashboard is dusty but you can see where he has wiped only where there may have been more hand prints but not the whole dashboard as the rest is dusty so it shows. Feel like I am going around the twist. I can't afford a private investigator but I sure wish I could as I would have him surveyed for a month during all the shift cycles. I really wish I knew someone who worked there but I don't. The other weird thing is that in the four years he has worked there, we have never gone to any of the works do's.
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reader, endoftether +, writes (31 May 2013):
endoftether is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you eyespy. I have posted the raft of other stuff that may put my original question into more perspective. Would be grateful if you read that when it is posted and then let me know. You are right about the gut feeling. We have been together 33 years and I was only 18 when I met him so I think I do know him pretty well. It is the very strong gut feeling that I just cant shake. I almost feel like we are now playing cat and mouse as he is covering his tracks pretty well. anyway have a read of my earlier post when it gets published and let me know what you think. Thanks again to all who take the time to read and respond.
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reader, endoftether +, writes (31 May 2013):
endoftether is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you so much for answering and I would agree with you as I am normally a rational and intelligent being who in 30 years of marriage has never been needy or clingy. However, just to clarify, this is not an isolated event but the most recent of many months of events. his behaviour changed and he started to have a problem when going to bed with me and struggled to retain an erection. I became suspicious as he has always wanted a lot of sex and when I confronted him about it and said he should maybe see the doc if he was having a problem, he said there was nothing wrong with him and he became very defensive. I then found stuff on his phone namely a text from a woman at work who was leaving asking him to stay in touch 'babes' and that she would miss him. There are a lot of women where he works and he works shifts (including nights). sometimes his pants are stained too and one particular pair which I know for certain were worn and we hadn't had sex, I am going to get tested. He swears he has been up to nothing but there were suddenly requests and remarks during our love making about anal sex and going into the woods which had come out of the blue. there are woods all around where he works. In addition, he cheated on his first wife and never admitted to her many many years ago and then he was engaged to a woman for about 5 years and he cheated on her too. so you see, with all of this recent activity, I wonder if I really am being paranoid or maybe, it helps to put my question into perspective.Thank you again for taking the time to answer it is very much appreciated.
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reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (31 May 2013):
 I think you're being really paranoid here, hon. I often use the term "You men" when speaking to my husband but I'm not cheating on him, and I've seen other people do it too, when referring to something that a certain subset of people do. It's no big deal.
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reader, Eyespy17 +, writes (31 May 2013):
Hmmm that does seem a bit suspicious - however - its possible he's remembering women from his youth, or he recently saw this on a TV show, or a buddy complained that his wife/girlfriend always does this - and it was on his mind? While I believe the gut feeling is a strong indicator - I think you need more proof ...
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