A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need help understanding why all my relationships eventually disappoint me. My current relationship of 5 months was so great in the beginning. My BF was doting and treated me special. Now - it seems his priorities are shifting back - or maybe I'm just seeing the selfish perspective. For example - tonight - all of our mutual friends are going to a club night in another city. I offered to drive but I have to leave at 1AM for work early in the morning . My boyfriend has said he "doesn't like his nights to be cut short" and so he may stay until 4am and find another way home which means I'm driving alone at 1AM. This just doesn't sit well with me . Chivalry ?Another example - my tire got loose 10 minutes from his job and I called him and expected him to come help me . He toldMe "I'll stay on the phone. You can do it". He didn't want to come back bc he had already left work and was half way home. I got mad and he did come and later apologized. Final example - we were on vacation with mutual friends in another country and were at a concert 20 min from our hotel. He got really drunk and left me there. I found our mutual friends and got back to hotel with them. I feel very disappointed. This is a man in his 40's - so its not his first rodeo. Am I expecting too much? I would assume a man who says he loves me would be "protective" and have my back - but in these two cases - I feel I'm not that important to him. I am looking for marriage and a kid and I'm not sure he will make a good partner if it's only 5 months in and i feel he doesn't have my back. Thoughts? Is it me?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (2 June 2013):
 It may be surprising but I am a female, a "girlie " and a bit " princessish " one too ,if you wish, but I relate very well with what the male readers in this thread say.
This guy may not be well suited to your wants and needs, OP, and your wants and needs may not be excessive or outlandish - in fact, they aren't by definition, since they are YOUR needs, the expressions of personal expectations and preferences that you have right to have like anybody else - yet, do not assume that all women would share them or even understand them, and that all men should jump to meet those needs, and if they don't they are brutes.
Quite simply, some women ( many ? ) don't feel this need to be " protected " at least in the way you mean it and at least not from the kind of dangers you mention. It seems to me that you have a bit of a longing for a father, rather than for a lover, and that you give to a partner the same task of reassuring, troubleshooting and, " tut-tut, all will be well, dear, " that a 10 y.o. assigns to her dad.
Not that I don't like too being babied a bit , if it's occasional,out of the blue and spontaneous - but as a norm, and taking as a paradigm the episodes you quote, not only I would not expect help, I would HATE it.
I want people to have my back when I feel in actual trouble, difficulty or danger - but, said in all humility even if it does not sound so, thanks God that my years on this planet have also served to get me to a level of competence, independence and resourcefulness where I do not feel easily threatened in most normal social situations, like those you quote.
Also, I feel a sheer horror of people who presumes to impose on my time and energies , and / or dictate how I am supposed to use them, in the name of emotional involvement, I feel rather blackmailed in these cases- that's why I would not want to do unto others etc.etc.
The 4 a.m. coming back for instance. Why would you even WANT , forget ask, your partner to cut his night short because YOU have got to work early ? What's chivalry got to do with it ? Do YOU get to dictate times and locations etc. strictly according to YOUR needs, and if other people have different ones , then they are unchivalrous ?..
Had it been the opposite , you free to have fun with all your friends till the wee hours , and he insisting for you to come back home with him because HE needs to go to bed , we'd all be chanting " controlling controlling " on here. Treat others as you want to be treated and give them the same freedom you'd ask for yourself. And, in case you object " But I would not want that freedom, I'd be happy to run home any time my bf says , whether it's convenient for me or not "... well, maybe it's time to ask yourself why. Why is it so important to put someone else's preferences before yours - and so necessary in order to keep the relationship going.
Ditto for the concert episode. It happens, OP, people get lost in crowds, at parties, events, concerts . They do not even do it on purpose, and it may happen even without the intervention of alcohol. What would you have wanted, hold hands all night long in fear you'd get separated ? What's the big deal if you get separated in a crowd ? You just fetch other friends - as you did- or call a cab and go back to where you came from.
As for the tire, yes, I am one of those hapless creatures that do not know how to change a tire or tighten a bolt or anything practical or mechanical, and, mind you, I don't WANT to learn. So, I would have to ask for help in similar circumstances- but not necessarily to my SO if it's not convenient for him. Maybe I'd call Triple A or a mechanic or the gas station guy or a friend who lives closest to where I am or.. I'd come up with something. But I would not assume that because a guy likes me ( at 5 months , we are talking about like ,not love ) I can make him pay the price of my ( technical :) inadequacies and shortcomings.
Of course you only mention these 3 things, that I personally would handle differently and with no frustration. Not knowing the guy as you do, and not wanting to discount your gut feelings, I will say that it is perfectly possible that you are right and that he is just a selfish lazy pig that would let you drown to not get his feet wet. BUT, I think it is also possible that he feels ( and resents ? ) the dissonance between your tough cookie persona in theory and your needy, disempowered attitude in practice . If you talk the talk- you've also gotta walk the walk. And when you don't people notice it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2013): It's simple OP, you and he are not suited. It's best if you move on to a different type of guy.
You and female anon are of the same mould. I'm nowhere near jaded with women. I'm engaged to be married to the most wonderful one. But she's independent. She wouldn't ring me up to go fix her tyre she'd do it herself. She certainly wouldn't demand I go fix it for her, I'd have offered to go to her but she'd just tell me to get the dinner started instead and just refuse that help, unless of course she gave it a shot and the nuts were too tight or something but then she's very resourceful she'd just find the nearest person and ask for their help.
She doesn't believe in chivalry either because she knows that's just for demanding, needy women who demand special treatment just because they're women. Whoever's first to the door holds it for the other in our relationship, she will take care of me when I need it too. She doesn't want to be with a guy who feels duty bound to hold doors open and stuff, because she knows all that stuff is just insincere platitudes from the days when women were treated like dainty princesses and were viewed as useless. Why would any woman think that being useless and needing a man to do everything for her is a good thing? She finds it insulting.
Neither of us will ever understand that but that's not to say we have anything against those people who like to live that way. Your guy obviously is similar to us OP and that means he's not going to satisfy that need you have to have a guy do everything for you and come running any time you call.
OP go find a guy who likes that role, as I said there are plenty that do. But you have to choose carefully OP, most men I know who respect a woman's independence find those who can't do anything for themselves a chore. There's just always something they need you to come running for and if you don't they get pissed off at you so the only reason a lot of guys do this kind of stuff is the emotional blackmail aspect, you don't really want to get into that kind of trap either. It's very easy to take advantage of a guy who is "chivalrous", become lazy and expect him to carry the weight of the entire relationship and cater to your every whim.
That too gets old.
OP he basically told you that he thinks you're demanding and that you're hypersensitive. I'm not saying you are but that's basically what he thinks.
Sounds like you and he are not compatible, especially seeing as he thinks you're inconsistent about it. Strong in lots of ways and independent in others but then sometimes go nuts because he didn't realize you wanted him to carry out a simple task for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHis rationalization on the tire situation is that I am a fully independent and self sufficient woman - otherwise - that he couldn't believe I couldn't tighten the bolts on my tire. He says he wanted to "empower me" and doesn't understand why I "play damsel in distress" sometimes and yet am a tough cookie other times.
He also told me last night that I get too upset over "mundane" things and don't show equal appreciation for all the nice things he does.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2013): I would take the advise of the 'men' in this forum with a grain of salt. What you're describing is basic chivalry - nothing out of the ordinary or too demanding.
A loving man should want to help you when in trouble and to not leave your side for too long when partying.
What do you think are the chances, if he was dating a supermodel lookalike, that he'll tell her to fix her own tire OR disappear on her during a night of partying? NOT SO MUCH. Men love being the hero in shining armor and they wouldn't dream to get to far away from a girl they have their eyes set on while partying. They become all too helpful and extremely doting when they have someone they admire, respect and love in their lives.
I know the example is rather poor - but it is true. What your situation tells me is that he really doesn't respect or admire you, he's immature and just not that into you. If he were, he'd be dropping everything at a moments notice.
The men in this forum have gone through a string of women and are jaded. They treat them like crap. Old rules still persist despite feminism - men try to be gentlemen ...it just has to be the right woman.
I think you just need to think about what i wrote and discuss with your girlfriends. What do they think? Have they been with a guy that adores them, is the treatment different. Also, think about whether you can live with his personality through a marriage? I really don't think this is his rodeo, yet.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2013): He doesn't sound very accommodating.
Being in a relationship is not about gendered roles, it's about pleasing each other and making each other's lives better off as best you can.
If that means leaving a party earlier with you, or if that means driving back to help you fix a tyre because you're not as experienced as he is or if it's keeping an eye on you at a party so that you don't lose each other - so be it.
You're not asking for a saint, you're asking for someone who will go out of his way to make you life richer because presumably, you go out of your way to meet his needs as well.
Some cracks are starting to show already and 5 months is the honeymoon period.
Are you the right lock and key combination?
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you - I really appreciate the male perspective ... trying to see this from a different light.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (31 May 2013):
 It very well could be you. Your expectations may be too high. Guys are by nature a "me first" problem to the typical woman. While we try to meet most of our woman's expectations in order to keep the peace, there are some(a lot) of things we cannot bend to. Our individuality is the most coveted. We hate looking "weak" in front of our peers. So, when all the guys are hitting the bars and chasing women, we want to appear "strong" and viral too. Sorry, just might want to find an already woosified man that can follow directions rather than try to tame one. Dissapointment is easily avoided by lowering your expectations.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2013): "Chivalry?" Works both ways OP, don't play the 'I deserve special treatment because I'm a woman' card. He wanted to stay longer you had work, you discussed this beforehand did you not? You made a decision to still go.
The tyre would have been nice for him to go back, but again are you that incapable of fixing a tyre? It would have been nice for him to go back but he didn't. He seems to forget you're a woman and pretty much dependent on us men for everything in life. Maybe he just wrongly assumed you were on of the ones who can take care of herself.
Disappearing while drunk. Yes OP, that can happen at events when you get far too drunk, I think he was an idiot for that too but it wasn't intentional. If anything he needed you to protect him. I can't count the number of times my fiancée has had to keep an eye on me while out and I'd had a bit too much.
You're not expecting too much OP you're just not with the right guy. There are plenty of old school guys out there who feel their duty to be their woman's servant. Just go find one of those, the type of guy who assumes women are useless.
OP we have it constantly shoved in our faces these days that woman are free, liberated, independent and capable of fending for themselves.
What they don't tell us is that you like to be viewed that way but still want us to do everything for you or actually can't do those things.
You're not selfish OP you're a woman, pretty normal really. Most women expect their other half to come to rescue whether it's a spider in the bathroom or a tyre that's flat. It's not that you can't do those things, it's that you "shouldn't have to because the man is supposed to". You know? "Why should I when I have a man?"
It's not you OP, plenty of female posters will gush about how much of a horrible bastard he is and how he doesn't know how to treat a lady, and in some respects they're right because he doesn't know how to treat a lady like you.
Best to move on to another I'd say, you're right. At 5 months you want a hero who will rescue you and come running every time you say so. A guy who can't get drunk because he has to be stuck beside you and protect you constantly, cant' party late because you have work the next day. Lots of men love that role OP, go find one who does. Lots of guys don't mind doing everything according to their partners wishes and times, so you'll have no problem finding a man who will be a good match for you. A "lady" doth require a "gentleman" afterall.
Just be careful here OP, if this keeps happening then you may be attracted to the kind of guy who is not the old school servant type. You need a bit of a doormat who'll cater to your every whim.
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (31 May 2013):
 I would feel the same way you do. These are solid examples you gave of a man who is selfish and does not have your back.
It's really about what you want. What faults are you willing to put up with? Does he have other redeeming qualities that make up for it. No man is perfect, but if this is a dealbreaker for you, then you need to let him know. Hopefully he will see it as an opportunity to work on this aspect of his personality. He may not change overnight, but at least he can become more aware of this flaw.
Just know that you are not being picky.
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