A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I recently posted a question on here regarding my fiance's 'friendship' with another woman. I got married last month and was told prior to the wedding that he had dicussed how I felt about the closeness of his relationship with the other woman with her and I was lead to believe he would not be communicating with her again. Anyway because my mind was put at reat and I obviously love him a great deal we got married. Yesterday I find that he has been in contact with her again apparently to purchase something from her company at a reduced rate for his friend but I feel I have been deceived. This relationship with this other woman has been going on for years and they are unacceptably close. I told him yesterday that I no longer will put up with any of it and that if he doesn't end it with her I will have nothing more to do with him (fortunately we still live in our old houses at the moment). He basically told me I was crazy and that I had no right to tell him who he can and cannot talk to but won't stop speaking to her. I have said the ball is firmly in his court but I cannot back down on this any more. This may sound ridiculous but this has been going on for years and years and I can't put up with it anymore. I have tried reasoning, asking him what she gives him that I do not, explaining how much it upsets me and why and everything else but he won't stop. It has become a battle of wills where he will not be told what to do by anyone. Basically I cannot live like this. Really I am just looking for some reassurance or help in thinking if there is anything else I can do. Thank you for you help in advance.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2010): I would ignore this, totally, completely, absolutely and get on with making the marriage better. Their relationship does sound a bit extreme. But until you keep showing so much emotion about it, it will never become their problem. You will end up being branded a crazy spouse. The more you show discomfort the more powerful she feels. You sound like you are threatened by her. So you need to make yourself feel better. If she does not make you feel small someone else will. Some other younger woman. Leave the room when she calls. Pretend she does not exist. And do not EVER look into his phone, read texts to torture yourself. Do not display any emotion about her. Train yourself to be indifferent. That is the only victory here. If she seems to intrude on your plans handle that case by case. The reality is that you both are married. And there is, has to be, more to the relationship than one annoying friend.It sounds kinda silly to divorce your newly-married husband because he is friends with a girl.
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (8 January 2010):
I am all for friendships and even close friendships of people of the opposite sex.
It's healthy for a marriage for both parties to have friends on both sides.
But as I said earlier, your other half comes first, and if you get too close to someone then you back away for your husband / wife's sake.
He's not willing to even tone down his phone calls so my advice stays the same. Leave now.
Their relationship is what it is, but his refusal to consider your feelings is really unacceptable.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy husband has known this lady for 15 years through work and I have also known her for 13 years through work. When we all used to work together this lady lived with my now husband for 3 months while her flat was being renovated. They shared the same bed. This was all about ten years ago. Since then they call and text each other all the time although rarely meet as she lives in the North. Their texts are very loving and she calls him constantly to moan about her various boyfriends and ask for his advice. The closeness they share is like I am the third person in the relationship. It has been explained to this lady that I don't like it and am upset by it but she won't stop calling and my husband won't stop answering. It is difficult to explain because unless you are in it you cannot imagine what it is like. If anything upsets the girl she is 35 years old and I am 44 years old my husband is on the phone immediately and to my mind is completely besotted. They say things like '-who loves you the most - you do baby' and I cannot get my head round it. For many years I was married to someone else and used to just watch their antics from afar but now it is just too close to home. My husband says I am crazy and that if they had been meant for each other it would have happened years ago but I feel she is waiting in the wings and he wouldn't be averse! It is driving me insane and can only calm down by being away from him and not seeing him or answering his calls. It feels to me like they are having one big joke at my expense.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2010): What is your objection to their friendship? Was sex involved? If it was and he wont give her up then divorce him as he refuses to let her go and its making you so unhappy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2010): I think you should double bluff him, leave for a few days stay with family & friends... Be un contactable.... His reaction and decisions made after that will tell you how he really feels... Good luck x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2010): What do you mean by unacceptably close?
You are saying on one hand that this is not about their relationship anymore. It has become a battle of wills... So why not stop participating in it?
Many people feel threatened by the very idea of an ultimatum. They feel it is blackmail. You should never ask someone to choose between you and another person. Rather than showing his preference it shows your insecurity.
The best way to deal with something like this is to not care. Really. You love the man so you married him, and he chose to marry you. Now you are giving the woman power to rule your relationship.
Leave it alone for sometime. Let him know that you are doing so. And that you are not going to bring it up again for x number of months - until you feel both of you can be rational about this. And then keep to your word. And don't ask people to cut off contact. That is sure shot way of making them seem attractive.
You will have handle this piece by piece, closeness by closeness. You will have evaluate his relationship with him incident by incident, not like a pile that you are discarding.
Its difficult to say more without knowing more. Could you paste the link to your earlier question?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2010): If you feel that strongly about his friendship with the woman I agree with the other posts, you can get an annulment and move on with your life and leave him.
But I must say that he chose to marry you and chooses to be with you. Would you feel the same if it was a guy and not a girl? It is possible to be great friends with someone without any hopes or want for a relationship. If its been going on years and he wanted to be with her, wouldn't he have already choosen her?
I wonder if you could perhaps become friends with this lady and get to know her. Your husband might feel really hurt that he is being asked to end a good friendship.
What I don't agree with is that he told you he would end it and hasn't, that is a problem and he probably doesn't understand just how much he has hurt you-he may be clouded by his own feelings and not realise yours.
Why not meet this woman, you don't have anything to lose. At best you could tolerate her and maybe have things in common, at worst you can tell her how she is making you feel and give her a piece of your mind. Get it off of your chest and then never see her again. Hopefully making your husband realise the consequences of continuing a friendship when he said he would stop.
I understand the worry that he is close to another woman, it would be hard for most people to get to grips with. You could try counselling for couples and have someone to mediate you discussions and help you both understand each other, better to give it a go then regret leaving. If you try your best you won't have any regrets if the best step is to leave.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (7 January 2010):
I agree with Emilyanswers. He's made it clear you're second best. Get an annulment before it gets worse.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (7 January 2010):
Nope, you've done all you can.
Marriage is about compromise and putting your husband / wife first. "Forsaking all others" is what he said in church after all. That doesn't just mean sex.
If he's not willing to forsake all others then he's not sticking to his vows and had no intention of keeping it when he said it.
I'd get an annulment while things are relatively simple.
Good Luck!! xx
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