A
female
age
51-59,
*ittlesparrow
writes:I recently started dating someone who seems really nice and compatible, and things have gone really well between us so far. We've both admitted that we're starting to establish a real emotional connection, plus genuinely good chemistry, etc.We met on an online dating site, and in my profile I stated very directly that I don't go to bars, clubbing, crowded and noisy places, etc. I'm extremely shy and places like these just make me really, really miserable. I just feel overwhelmed and terrified in large crowds of noisy people... I didn't want to mislead anybody into thinking I liked those kinds of activities, and I didn't want to attract people who loved to do those things, 'cause we'd be totally incompatible. I thought this guy understood that, and was ok with it.Tonight, though, he sent me an email asking me to go out dancing with him in...a crowded, noisy bar/club. (I checked out the website for the place, and it's definitely the kind of place I would just about have a panic attack inat worst and be miserable all night at best.) He wrote, "I understand that in general you're not into going to noisy, crowded places, but I really do LOVE to dance!"So...he's asking me to do something he KNOWS very plainly I'm not comfortable with and won't enjoy? I guess this is kind of worrying me because in addition to the issue of really sincerely hating going to clubs, my last relationship was an emotionally abusive one where my feelings didn't count and what HE wanted or felt was always more important than what I wanted or felt.I know relationships require some compromise, and sometimes you have to go places/do things one you might enjoy more than the other, and I'm ok with that. I've already gone to a party at his friends' place with him, even though parties make me really anxious too. I just wonder why he'd ask me to do the one thing I specifically stated that I hate/don't ever do.So I guess I'm wondering if I'm over-reacting here, or is this a bad sign (him disregarding my clearly stated feelings in favor of something he wants to do)? Should I just go anyway and try not to show that I'm miserable, or should I talk to him about it, or what? I guess what I'm really worried about is what, if anything, this says about this guy? I really think I need some perspective -and some advice on how to handle this or how to talk to him about it if I say no?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2010): I know how you feel.I hate them too because i don't like crowds, and i can't stand drunk guys that come over and try to dance with you or chat you up !. And i get sick of people who kiss, or do more, with anyone who chats them up !. I would tell him the truth, it's important to be honest, and if he tries to force you to go, i would reconsider having a relationship with him. If he cares about you, he will respect your wishes.You shouldn't have to do anything you are uncomfortable with. Good luck !.
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (7 January 2010):
Lots of people "aren't into noisy bars and clubs" but he probably thought you'd feel bad if he went there with all his mates and didn't even invite you.
He hasn't understood that you are NOT "not into" bars, but are "given severe anxiety and panic attacks" by bars.
Explain to him that you would love to go, but breaking down into an uncontrollable wreck and almost stop breathing is not really your idea of romantic.
Find a quiet ballroom club, or somewhere that offers tango lessons, and suggest that as an alternative.
He's not being abusive, and you are over reacting slightly to this..... He's just being a bit dim. Also, he may not have read every word of your profile and memorised the bad stuff, he was probably staring at your gorgeous picture and concentrating on all the GOOD things about you.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (7 January 2010):
 Just tell him that such a place is definitely not to your liking. There are likely quieter and more peaceful dance venues somewhere. Dancing is lovely, but you will compromise only to a certain extent. If that is not good enough for him, then continue looking.
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