A
female
age
51-59,
*ot accepted
writes:What do you do when for seven years your husbands adult kids will not accept you?The x is nuts and my husband and I met when he had been divorced 4 years.My now husband's kids had been so mean to my daughter (26) till finally she will never have anything to do with them ever again.All of the adult kids have lots of money and they are in their 20's and early30's. They give my husband ultimatiums on what he should do. They say we dont want your wifey around our kids and only you can come to family events and birthday parties.They will not accept gifts if my name is on them and all the daughter in laws stand by their men.Last year i went to the hospital with my husband because his grandaughter was being born.I was stared down by the oldest stepson and his wife left and sat in another part of the hospital.We were denied any chance to hold the baby and they refused to allow us to take a picture.we have no pictures of my husbands grand children in our home they will not let us have one.They want my husband to leave me at home when its christmas and parties and i just hate this so muchI feel like they are adults and have their own families and i have never told them they are not welcome in my home.I think my now husband's family are making a bad choice and using their kids as weapons to hurt us.my husband tries to stand up to them but that dont work at all.they are awful.what im asking is should my husband go and be with his children, grand children and their spouse's (which include his Ex everytime) without me?I try to not get in their way.i stay so confused.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 September 2012):
 Yikes.
I met my husband 6 years AFTER his divorce from his first wife and she had the same attitude as your "in-laws". Since I was the one who remembered birthdays, bought cards, presents - the EX threw a fit and told my husband he couldn't see the kids if I was around and that they couldn't receive gifts if I had had anything to do with it.
I felt bad for my husband because he wanted to see his kids, but he didn't want his wife disrespected either. The ex went out of her way to screw up visitations, to not show up with the kids and then be unreachable. Unfortunate we were about to move overseas so we didn't spend money on a lawyer, though at times I wish we had, just to set her straight. Anyhow long of the sort, I got tired of the abuse (yea she would call and tell me I couldn't write my name on the cards, or buy presents) so I stopped. I would tell my husband that hey, you got a month to xx's birthday you should buy a card and presents. Honestly if it wasn't for me I'm not sure he would have stayed in contact with his kids, she was THAT difficult. Why she hated/hates me, I don't know & I don't care... she is just one bitter Butcher.
Funny though, once the kids hit 18 I started to mail cards presents and the kids always called back and said thanks. I talk to them more then my husband does.
I would honestly stay away from anything that has to do with HIS family. He can go alone if he doesn't start standing up for you. Hid kids doesn't have to like or love you, but it would be decent of them to at least treat you with respect. However, I don't see that happening.
I would also suggest that you do not confront his kids with this. It's not going to help you at all.
His family is being PETTY!
A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (15 September 2012):
 You are being ostracized. It has psychological ramifications and can make you feel an increase in sadness, despair, and hostility, and a decrease in self-esteem, belonging, and sense of control. It is no doubt they are doing this purposefully and wanting your marriage to end. And they are using helpless children as pawns to get what they want. My father did something similar to my grandmother, he kept all of us (his kids, her grandkids) from her and raised us saying she doesn't care about us. They will not be happy until you are out of the picture. And with all of this it will be no surprise when you give up one day. Your husband needs to make a choice. Your inlaws cannot be allowed to act this way. If he loses out on his grandkid's lives then that will be what has to happen but they will know one day it isn't his choice or fault. Now as an adult I speak to my grandmother and know of everything that happened and I don't blame her for any of it. Throughout it all she still sent cards to us, my dad held onto them, and kept savings accounts in our names to be handed over at age 18.
I would suggest your husband do the same thing. Continue to send birthday and christmas cards. Start up a savings account, even just piggy banks, for each of the grandchildren. At age 18 he can connect with them and explain the entire situation and why it had to be the way it was.
He has to make a choice now, his children or you, and hopefully it is his wife as it should be. You did nothing to these people, that you have shared, and it is a very sad situation to be in. If he decides he will keep his children at the sake of your mental health then you should move on. You can't allow these people to make you depressed, it's what they want. Sit your husband down and tell him he has some big decisions to make.
Also, a 15 year age difference is nothing to dislike you about... It isn't like he found a 20 year old girl they disprove of, you have a child around the same age as his children. The whole thing is awful and I hope you can get away from them, either with your husband or without, and gain some happiness and sanity back.
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A
female
reader, not accepted +, writes (15 September 2012):
not accepted is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt really hurts so bad for them not to accept me and my daughter. my husband is 15 years older than me .he is a wonderful husband especially to my daughter.even the daughter in laws parents are very unwelcoming to me.im sick of all of them.i have never seen people like this in my life.i have tried to be very nice to them but now all the hurt they have cause is causing me to resent them.they keep saying i am telling lies on them and thats why they dont want me around their kids .i saw my DIL one day and I just snapped .I told her i was sick of her and her clan accusing me of telling lies and i wanted to know right then and there what was i lying about.she said I dont have to listen to this .i said yes you will listen to me.i said tell me what i lied about and i will get things straight.she took off to her car and took off.so what does this tell you?i just want to have a simple peaceful life but i dont see that happening anytime soon.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (15 September 2012):
How ridiculous that his supposedly adult children can’t accept that their father has a right to live his own life and behave so utterly disrespectfully to the person with whom he chooses to share that life. He’s in a tricky position here because, if they are as unpleasant as they sound from your post, he might be denied access to his grandchildren if he stands up to them too much. Have his children given any indication as to why they feel so strongly about your relationship and are so hostile to you? Are they manipulated by their mother and unwilling to think for themselves? Or are they acting like overgrown spoiled brats sulking because they don’t want to share Daddy’s attention? Or have they given any other reason?
Your husband should get all his children together, without the ex present. Instead of getting angry with them, he should calmly explain how deeply unhappy it makes him feel when he’s forced to choose between his family and the woman he loves. He should explain how much it hurts that they treat his wife in this way, and ask them to explain why they do it. Perhaps he could agree some quality time with them and his grandchildren without you there as a compromise, but he should insist that they accept you as his wife and act with decency and respect in how they treat you. You are part of the family and he should most certainly be insisting that at big family occasions like Christmas, you will be joining him. If they don’t like it, I’m afraid he’s going to have to accept that having a close relationship with them whilst they have this mindset is going to be pretty difficult because they are evidently totally selfish and uncaring. He should hold them to account for their behaviour towards you and make them explain themselves. You often find in cases like this that they dislike the new partner because they blame them for the breakdown of their parents’ relationship, but let’s face it, apart from the fact that you met after the breakup, if a relationship is strong and the people concerned want to stay in it, some-one else isn’t going to be able to break it up. Perhaps they feel that if you weren’t in the picture they would get back together, but your husband has chosen to be with you of his own free will. If that’s their complaint, they need to get over it and he shouldn’t be backed in to a corner and forced to apologise for loving some-one else.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (15 September 2012):
 I just want to knock their heads together! But that is not going to help you, or these children who are missing out on so much love their grandfather and you want to give them.
Your husband needs to stand up to these bullies and call their bluff.
Stop buying gifts, instead start accounts for each of the grandchildren, and when you would normally buy a gift put the value in there instead.
Don't visit Christmas or Easter or other special occassions, instead just pop in a few days before or after, he can tell them he doesn't have time to stop as he is on his way elsewhere, but just wanted to see his grandchildren for a few minutes. If they will let him, get him to concentrate on the kids, ask about school, their friends, what they got for their birthdays etc. Keep intereaction with the so called adult children to a polite minimum.
If they ask him to stay or to come another time he needs to tell them he is not comfortable accepting invitations to events and places where his wife feels uncomfortable.
Consider counselling for you both, you maybe able to develop some other strategies to deal with this situation.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (15 September 2012):
 I suspect that you may be younger than your husband's first wife. Your husband needs to stand up for you, his wife.
And your own daughter deserves your full support.
Seven years is enough time indeed.
I think it is time for your husband to choose you or his original family.
Clearly he cannot have both.
He no doubt loves his children dearly. But the cruel full of anger and full of animosity emanating from his children and his grandchildren is completely unsustainable.
If you and your husband continue to try to appease these nasty children of your husband it will end up destroying your marriage
From now on you and your husband need to start living a life of joy. WITHOUT INFORMING HIS CHILDREN of your whereabouts. Without taking the time to purchase presents. Without trying to engage his children nor his grandchildren.
But you do not need to forget them.
You and your husband can start a shared journal. Where you write in things that you would have said, if you were allowed to interact with them,
A positive journal that they can only see once you are both deceased. A positive journal where every entry is dated. You can add in words of wisdom, you can add in recipes, jokes, things you think about, things that mean a lot to you both.
You can tell them how you met and how you fell in love. you can tell them about your wedding. And how well you get on together.
You can tell them about your hobbies, things you do to help others. You can tell them about happy outings and you can even tell them how much you love them, miss them and would love to see them.
But do not criticize the step children nor the grandchildren.
The journal will demonstrate in years to come that you did regularly remember them. You did try to see them. You did want to take them on outings.
But stop going to see them or trying to see them,
Now book a cruise.
BUT do NOT tell the family. If any of the family hold a key to you home them CHANGE the locks. Because the step children do not have your best interests at hears.
Book a cruise, tell your daughter, but ask her to keep it to yourself,
Start enjoying you and your husband. Take up a sport together. be it quoits, golf, swimming, bowling. Something you can do together. And go enjoy it.
Your husband's original fanily do not want you to be happy. Defy them and do things that make your happy.
They want your marriage to end.
They are NOT your friends.
and they are RUINING your lives.
Spend time together at weekends - go on a picnic to a scenic place.
Spend time cooking together.
Read out passages from books you love to each other.
But please stop trying to connect with some nasty abusive cruel people who have NO RESPECT for you at all.
you deserve much better then these people are behaving in such an abusive manner.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2012): This is a very difficult situation for you and I can feel for you and you gave given me an insight from a different perspective.My husband left myself and the children and remarried. None of my children will have anything to do with the new wife and cut her out of everything. This is because to us this woman stopped us receiving the money due to us so we struggled while they had a great time together. My children will only ever ask him to events if he promises he will come on his own - we would turn her away if she did come to events, like you will not accept anything card wise or gift wise if her name appears on it and basically my children and my children's children will have nothing to do with her. Unfortunately with us it is to pay them both a lesson because we were so poor they did not care at all and we will stop at nothing to pay both of them back for what they did to us. My children were teenagers when he left and they all have seen how much trouble they caused us. Clearly in your post you have done nothing to cause hardship or upset to your husbands children and you seem like a very nice balanced woman. I am only saying why it is the way it is for us because there may be deeper reasons and resentments there that you are unaware of but are getting the brunt of. I hope it improves for you- my ex husbands mother has recently died and if his wife goes no oe will go the funeral so you can see how powerful anger can be. We have also heard that this woman is getting to the stage where she can take it no longer so we may get our ultimate revenge after all!
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