A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So I'm not really sure how to go about this question so ill do the best I canI'm 20 years old Me and my fiance have been together for 3 years...I'm disabled and I'm basically her stay at home cleaning man...recently she has decided to join the Army...now here comes my concern.She has cheated on me in the past and although we have gotten over it as a couple, I am still burdened with a lack of trust torwards her.She's going to be away for quite a while for basic training and all the other army stuff she will have to complete and honestly I am very worried about all the guys she will be around during that time espicially since she's truley the most gorgeous girl I have ever met...I guess my doubt comes from her cheating on me before and the fact that I am disabled and I will be miles and miles away making it impossible for me to find out if she actually does cheat on me...What if she finds someone else that can support her by far more than I can? I don't really know how to overcome my worries or if I am just blowing this out of proportion...Any experience with this same problem would be greatly appreciated...
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (16 September 2012):
 Good point SVC! The follow-up did shed a bit more light on the nature of the disability.
You limit yourself in your mind, OP. Like I said earlier, disabled doesn't mean dead! You're selling yourself short and blaming where you are and who you are in life on this disability.
Sure, you very well could be disabled, but you don't have to let it get to you! You might not be able to join something physically demanding like the Army, but there *are* opportunities and like SVC said, why not school? Why not vocational training or re-training?? Disability does not come hand in hand with self-pity! Trust me, you need to reject and refuse to feel sorry for yourself, and utterly reject any thought or temptation to consider yourself as less or diminished. You need to aggressively decide this every single day of your life.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 September 2012):
 I think that YouWish made very valid points..
I have the benefit of your follow up that gives me a bit more information...
First you said:
"I'm disabled and I'm basically her stay at home cleaning man." and " I am disabled"
then in your follow up it went to:
"but when I went to sign up they told me my slight hand disability barely missed the qualification to join..."
So apparently your disability is slight enough that you thought you might qualify for the military which is a big difference from your first statement that implied a disability so great as to have you on some sort of disability benefit unable to work. That's NOT the case here.
Sounds to me like you could be working full time or working on a degree to assist with full time employment.
Your GF cheated on you in the past, you are both very young and have been together basically from the beginning of your dating history... so your lack of trust is justified. The only person that can know if you can trust her is you.
She offered to marry you to assuage your feelings... but will that piece of paper really make a difference in your mind?
Let me tell you that in my relationship I am the primary bread winner. I am not with my partner because he can support me better... for people of quality you don't judge a partner by their ability to support you. Yes their work history is important.
The need for all parties to carry their weight is critical... That means you work and earn to the best of your ability.
A slight hand disability means you may not be able to do manual labor for employment but it doesn't preclude you finding full time employment that supports yourself and contributes meaningfully to the relationship.
LDRS are hard. They are harder when folks are young and at 20 you are quite young... it may not work out and I'm not sure that marriage in this case is a good idea. At first I agreed with YouWish and her post, but your follow up leads me to believe that part of the issue and problem is how you see yourself... as her "house bitch" because you are 'disabled' and maybe you feel as if she is the only person that will ever want to be with you so she's a safety net?
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (15 September 2012):
 Hi There,
If you have this level of mistrust in her, then you should not be engaged and not plan to marry her.
-Frank
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (15 September 2012):
 I think YOuWish has made some really valid points. Worth thinking over her advice. Because anything that can make things better for the two of your has to be good.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (15 September 2012):
rather than suspect her of potentially be a cheat I would instead turn it around and give her all your support to face what she may have to endure.
There are some great benefits from joining the Army.
But never underestimate how difficult it is going to be for her.
Rather than her cheating she needs to prepare herself to face aspects of the culture that may well be very disressing but are often hidden. And I speak of the sexual harassment and pressure she is likely to endure.
Of women and men who are sexually harassed in the military are not believed or are treated as crazy, when this is not true
If you can always believe in her while she is away I think it would mean a lot to her.
Sexual Harassment in the Miliary is so widespread that she needs to prepare herself now for the pressure she will be placed under.
Try not to get overly worrried about "What if?" and instead offer her the support and sanctuary that will mean so much to her every time she returns home.
The stability of your love is likely to sustain her when the going gets tough, which it will.
Here are the links to how tough it can be for people (mainly women) who are sexually abused in the Military in Armies all over the world.
http://edition.cnn.com/2012/04/14/health/military-sexual-assaults-personality-disorder/index.html
http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2012/jun/14/culture-coverup-rape-ranks-us-military
http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2012-07-27/sexual-assaults-plague-military-after-decades-of-reform.html
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2012): hmm... YouWish has suggested you might want to get married now to sort of prevent her from cheating? or to somehow strengthen the relationship? but I dont' think getting married does either of those. If she's going to cheat, she will regardless of whether you are married or not. ever hear of married people cheating on their spouses?
I don't think you should get married. you have a lot of mistrust in her, and for good reason - she has cheated on you before. And now she has chosen to go into a highly male-dominated environment that will also consume a lot of her time. I hate to say it but I think it's likely she will cheat again at some point. It may not happen now when she's going for training, it could happen much later. I think that as long as you're still with a partner who has already cheated on you in the past, this fear of them cheating again will always be there for as long as you stay with this person.
I think you just need to either try to calm your fears and tell yourself she is not cheating on you (based on her word). Or maybe now is - as YouWish has pointed out - a crossroads where you may want to take a good look at your relationship and decide if you do want to continue staying with her.
but I think you should not marry her now, not when you still have so much mistrust in her. Marrying does not make people faithful IF they are going to cheat on you. it just makes the indignation even greater if they do cheat again. I think if you decide to continue this relationship you should then just wait out this next couple of years to see how the army is going to affect your relationship, before you decide if you should marry or not.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2012): "I guess my doubt comes from her cheating on me before and the fact that I am disabled and I will be miles and miles away making it impossible for me to find out if she actually does cheat on me..."
Legitimate doubts, also add that she has made a long-term commitment excluding you entirely, and I must regretfully say the status of your "engagement" to your "fiancee" is shaky at best.
"What if she finds someone else that can support her by far more than I can?
Then you're out a "finacee" and a place to live, and I suspect that if that is not her intention in joining the Army, then she must certainly consider it a potential side benefit. In any event you should prepare for possibility you may be receiving notice that your services as her live-in housekeeper are no longer required as since she is taking a job providing housing (as well as mandating location of assignment), raising in likelihood she will no longer require the house you've been keeping for her.
"I don't really know how to overcome my worries or if I am just blowing this out of proportion..."
Impossible to overcome your worries are they are more likely than not possibilities and you are not blowing this out of proportion, if anything you are understimating the gravity of pending possible sesimic change in your personal circumstances.
You cannot trust her for very good reason: she never earned it before subsequently violating it more than once.
Nature of your disability unclear, must sadly suggest that she is exploiting your disabilty for her sole personal benefit.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your answer YouWish. That was very helpful. She actually was the one who brought up getting married before she leaves which in my eyes makes me believe she can be trusted...but I suppose we will see what happens...
As for my dreams, I've always wanted to be in the military which is where my fiance got the idea to join the Army...but when I went to sign up they told me my slight hand disability barely missed the qualification to join...
I guess me and her will talk it out and see what we come up with...
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (15 September 2012):
You've both been together since you were 17? She's the same age as you? What happened after you found out she cheated on you? How did you decide to continue on as a couple together, and what steps, specifically, did she take to rebuild trust in the relationship??
The army has a two-part basic training, boot camp, and AIT (Advanced Individual Training). I highly doubt you'll have anything whatsoever to worry about when she's in boot camp, because she'll be in such an intense environment that any sex, let alone cheating, will be extremely unlikely. She'll be dealing with high physical and mental stress coupled with sleep deprivation.
AIT is a bit different, where there is a bit more freedom and less of a rigid, taxing structure. Many are at the bars after the training sessions are done, and I know from a guy's standpoint, after not having sex for a couple of months in boot camp, there's a lot of recreational opposite sex interaction during AIT for many who are single.
You are at a crossroads here. Even if there wasn't cheating by her, her life is about to change. You may feel dependent on her as a disabled guy, but truthfully, you do still have options.
If you two are engaged, what is stopping you from marrying? If you are married, not only does that give you rights on a base and an increased pay allowance for her, but the Uniform Code of Military Justice actually considers adultery to be in violation and subject to court martial under Article 134. In short, society may think nothing of the social ramifications of adultery, but in the military, that can cost her a career.
So, I think it's either marry or go separate ways at this point, because the Army and its commitments are going to be the center of your lives, and your relationship does put both of you at serious risks for the momentum of your lives to be pulled in different directions unless you take that next step and tie the knot.
NOW, that being said, this brings up the question that makes you nervous: Does she love you? Does she want to spend the rest of her life with you? Silence your insecurities and feelings of inadequacy and think about the answer to that truthfully. And while you're at it, don't count yourself out either. Disabled doesn't mean dead, and it doesn't mean disqualification from following your own interests and dreams.
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