A
female
age
41-50,
*onfusedwife1980
writes:i have been with my husband for 6 years, and during this time he has lied about watching and using pornography. he has an addition to it, he has even watched porn at his work and lost his job and lost a lot of respect from friends and family. because of this is has caused us to relocate for a new job 7 hours away from all of my friends and family. he has continue to lie and break my heart over this addiction, now we have an 8 month old daughter. i left him to babysit for an hour and when i got home i discovered that he had looked at porn on my computer while babysitting her. i feel like this is the last straw. i need advice. also keep in mind i have done everything to keep our sex life healthy and active, i have tried everything in my power to keep this marriage afloat, i dont think i can anymore.
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lost his job, porn, sex life Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Lola1 +, writes (1 December 2009):
 Good luck. Hope it all works out.
A
female
reader, confusedwife1980 +, writes (30 November 2009):
confusedwife1980 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHere is an update. Thank you to everyone who responded with great advice.I packed up loaded the car and said we needed a break and I was going home to my moms 7 hrs away.I thought he needed time alone.this crushed him,I could tell he was at the bottom and was so scared,he begged me to stay.I was angry, but very calm.I didn't care I've had enough,I needed to think about what to do.the next morning he went to work and I was suppose to leave.but instead I had a sick feeling in my stomach like I shouldn't leave. I unpacked and waited for him to come home f/work,when he did he looked like a kid at christmas morning,you could tell he'd been sick all day with worry.I told him I wrote to this website,because I didn't want biased advice from friends and family,I wanted fair advice from those who don't know either one of us. And I wanted to share the answers with him, he was surprisingly curious and he thanked me for taking the time to do so. I read him my question and asked if he thought it was a true representation,he said yes. Than I read him the answers, he sat crying in his chair and after a few minutes he said he needs help and wants it. I told him that I will stay and support if I notice his behavior making improvement in 3 months I will continue to stay,and that this is a lifelong commitment,if nothing changes and he doesn't reach out for help in that time, I leave and move on. He agreed. He starts counciling tomorrow and has been truthful and honest and very in the moment. I didn't tell you he also drinks and uses pot, that has all stopped. We talked and he think he may have an addiction to things that numb his feelings, so he doesn't have to face his past, he's always searching for what feels good, no matter the conseqence. He'll talk it over with counceler and see what they say... So there u go, thanks again for help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2009): I am soooooooo sorry to here you situation, because mine is very similar. 6 years of lies, manipulating and porn. My husband is in such denial that he refuses to see that he is going to loose his wife and 2 kids over this addiction. To him it's my problem that I dont accept it. He says he lies so I wont get mad about it. It has destroyed all the trust I have in him and in myself. I feel so alone. I wish he would just get help.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2009): Porn stars are professionals, you cannot expect the same from your husband or your wife. If someone watches porn to increase his/her libido this is good, but if he/she wishes to have the same scenario in his/her sex life, no way!! It really hurts :-(
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female
reader, soloved89  +, writes (18 November 2009):
I have the same problem with my fiance. He seriously needs help. I have told him straight up he's addicted to porn, and he flat out denied it. I've told him that he needs counseling for it b4 we get married, and he rejected. He used to look at it all the time, but now I dont think it's that bad. I will admit I Hate Porn.He gave me most of his porn DVD's. I have thrown away all of his porn DVD's. He didnt have but like 4. First, I scratched them up by rubbing them against the wooden floor. I scratched them up so bad they wouldnt play no more. What he doesnt know is that I actually messed them up and then threw them away. He thinks I still have them, but they're long gone!!!
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female
reader, confusedwife1980 +, writes (17 November 2009):
confusedwife1980 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you lazyguy, your answer and advice are what I needed to hear! Thank you for taking the time for my question!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2009): LazyGuy, porn addiction is a chemical addiction. The porn addict gets addicted to his own 'feel good chemicals' produced when he views porn. This addiction has all the classic signs of any other addiction....lying to protect the supply, denial there is a problem, selfish behavior, unaccounted for loss of time, inability to control behavior. Know this, you did not cause this problem and you can do nothing to make it go away. The only one that can do anything about it is your husband and it doesn't sound like he wants to fix it. Men are programmed from early on that porn is ok and if a female objects, she must be insecure. We are only now finding just how destructive porn can be in the wrong hands...both to the addict and the family of the affected, let alone the children viewing it.The first step to overcoming this is admitting he has a problem, has he done this? Then he needs to surrender to an outside or higher power, men in particular have a hard time with this.In the meantime, you can get support both at Alanon meetings or on the net at npsupport.net You truly may have no choice but leave him, for your own sanity and the safety of your daughter. Put a time limit on how long you will support him...3 months, 6 months, a year...that IS in your control :) Then get out! Don't waste your life.
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male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (17 November 2009):
 The problem is not the porn itself, the problem is that he can't see that there is a time and place for something.
If his vice was watching soccer, then he would have been fired for watching soccer at work for instance.
Addictive people often just never learned to control themselves, to accept that our actions have consequences and that to avoid those consequences we need to control our actions.
If it was just your marriage, then porn itself might be the problem, but he is unable to function in normal society as well. And that suggests to me that his problem is, that he is unable to function as a normal person. Porn is the symptom, but not the disease.
How can you cure it? No idea. In a way, this type of stuff is "cured" when we grow up as children and we learn that we no longer can indulge every whim whenever we want. That however much we want to read a comic, class is NOT the time for it, neither is the super table.
Can he be "raised"? I really don't have the answer for that. So called porn/internet addictions are not the same as alcohol addictions where there is a strong chemical reaction going on that powers the addiction. These behavior addictions are more in the mind and unless he himself is convinced he needs to change, he probably won't.
Sadly, addicts of most sorts need to hit rock-bottom before they recognize what they are doing.
As far as I understand the issue, there is a significant difference between a porn addict who "just" ignores his wive (and you say the sex live is still there) and the porn addict who can't maintain his outside life anymore.
He might need to so a shrink, but whether he can even accept that something is wrong, I don't know.
Sorry, there are no simple answers to deal with this.
As you comment, simply making a home porn is not the answer. It ain't about the porn itself, anymore then an alcoholic savors the taste of whiskey. It is an escape, a control, a "I want this and (no and, he simply might not consider that there is an and, a consequence, a reaction)".
See him as an addict, but not a lover of the substance, rather of the act of being addicted itself. As said, it could as well be the internet, or gaming, or soccer, or collecting old cans.
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female
reader, Lola1 +, writes (17 November 2009):
Oh you're more than welcome. :-)
Good luck and keep us up to date!
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female
reader, confusedwife1980 +, writes (17 November 2009):
confusedwife1980 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you lola1 you were helpful! i ment to rate you with higher stars, i typed the wrong one, i'm sorry about that.
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female
reader, confusedwife1980 +, writes (17 November 2009):
confusedwife1980 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have done everything to "keep him satisfied" so advice to make a porno for him is not helping the situation. I need real advice please not childish answers
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female
reader, Lola1 +, writes (17 November 2009):
Porn is fine, as is alcohol... in moderation. If he were losing his job and dwindling your life savings due to an alcohol addiction, and refused to seek or accept help, what would you do?
You really only have two choices, in my book.
1) Work with him to overcome this addiction - you say you've tried this and have had no success.
2) Leave with your baby until he sorts it out.
I never like to see the end of a marriage, but from what I understand about addicts, they need to hit rock-bottom before they can quit. I don't know if porn is the same.
Before you make any decision, try talking to a counsellor yourself - on your own - to better understand this addiction. Perhaps the knowledge will point out a solution you hadn't thought of.
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female
reader, confusedwife1980 +, writes (17 November 2009):
confusedwife1980 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwe have tried counceling, but after the first session he says its stupid and doesnt go anymore. i think he does it to make me happy. the fact he lost his job and had to use all of the savings i built to live from is a little more than a slight addiction. the porn is the addition, i dont really even care to much about the pirn, its the lies to cover the problem that is hurtful.
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female
reader, Shan25 +, writes (17 November 2009):
Hi first off its not baby sitting when is his child. in every relationship you are going to have at else one problem. baby girl if porn is the only problem you all have then thats okay because it could be worst. try making your own porn video for him and make a good one. try role playing. give him what the videos are giving him
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female
reader, SirenaBlusera  +, writes (17 November 2009):
 Have you talked to a counselor about this? Don't get me wrong; we're glad to listen to your problems... but something tells me that a marriage counselor could really help. You need to tell him how you feel, and open his eyes up to the effect it has on your marriage. I'd be pissed off at him, too. He needs to respect your feelings.
Best of luck,
Sara
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male
reader, kundi09  +, writes (17 November 2009):
i think watching porn within reason is okay but i think ur husband had a problem my dad was the same i think u need to sit down with him and tell him he needs to seeks help for the sake of the relationship and for ur daughter the fact he saw it when he was babysitting is a worrying situation. im sure hes a good dad but i think he should see someone it sounds like he is slight addicted hope this help in any way xxxxxx
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