A
female
age
51-59,
*o match to porn
writes:I have been married to my husband for almost 14 years and over the last 6 months to a year I have noticed he is into his porn more than he is into me. He came home early one afternoon and asked me if I wanted to have sex with him... I jumped at the chance and said hell yeah, but no matter what I did to him he would not or could not get it up. Later in the evening after watching hours of porn he was as stiff as a board but would rather masterbate than have sex with me. Is there something wrong with mme??? I feel so worthless; I a female could not get my husband turned on but his porns did. I looked at his cell phone and noticed he is on the porn websites several times through-out the day, I just checked his computers history and was overwhelmed with the amount of porn he watches. He is now interested in trying out swingers. He works out of town several times through out the year and some of the sites are for swingers clubs in the areas he is working. I still believe he is not cheating on me but at standing at the door ready to step across the line... how do I get him back / or do I even want him back? Where did I go wrong? What is so wrong with me that he turned to porn. I tried to talk to him about it and he just gets mad, I have noticed he turns the channel when I walk into the tv room and lies about what he is watching. i just found out he created a new email with a password I couldn't get into, What did I do to deserve this? I am open to suggestions and advise, please help. :(
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male
reader, DEKKAMPONG  +, writes (21 February 2012):
 I think your husband might have suffered from inferiority complex.He is in lack of confidence. He fears that he might not be able to satisfies you. He fears that he might have ejaculated before you get orgasm, thus losing his status of being a man.Yes a man who is deemed to be a stronger sex between male and female.He cannot afford to lose his dignity as a man.His is more a psychological than a physical problem,seeing that he is able to gain erection.So what to do?A suggestion.You would have to take up the key role by initiating the action.Be by his side when he is watching sexual video.Flirt with him.Show interest in the video figures.Naked or half naked,at your choice.Kissing,fondling-do it emotionally until both of you get aroused.When there is sign of his becoming desirous of fucking, grab the opportunity to act immediately.This should happen naturally.When finished, let him know that he is really great.You are very very satisfied.If he also feels satisfied,then it should be the end of his problem,because once he knows he can do it,he will do it again,and again.No longer lack of confidence. Good luck!
A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (19 February 2012):
Believe me, erections have a massive influence on a mans confidence and once it starts to fail amazing stress will ensure it always does. You have no idea how devastating it can be to jump in to bed with your wife and not be able to satisfy her. Masturbating to porn is stress free and at least proves the physical functions are still operating. You didn't go wrong anywhere but now you need to help him to want to get back to where you were. You have to talk calmly and get him to explain how he feels. Maybe he needs a check up with the doc, or enrole at a gym, maybe both. Maybe drink less and eat more healthily. This is something you need to work out together and not let him escape and avoid the situation. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, malletchick76  +, writes (19 February 2012):
 Pornography is a huge issue that many people don't want to admit. It can become extremely addictive, more than a cocaine addiction as some studies have shown. Counseling is the best way to get him to realize that he has a problem and that it's hurting you and your relationship. good luck
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (18 February 2012):
 Man watches porn, lots of guys do this. Man watches porn but can't satisfy a woman... guy has a problem.. nothing to do with you, not your fault at all. If you as a woman are avoiding sex, you will notice it, worry about it, deal with it, want to talk to your husband about it or go seek a doctor or a friend to advise you.First, maybe your husband may be having medical problems. Many men his age have problems with erections, arousal, or premature ejaculation. Porn they feel is easier in these cases, because the porn girls don't notice if something is wrong, whereas a loving wife might feel disappointed or feel rejected if you can't come or the erection can't stay up. A loving wife would also not allow you to ignore it, but will drag your ass to the doctor to try and get you fixed. Many men like to avoid problems and doctors. Please notice if this is his problem, it's nothing you are doing wrong, it's not a reflection on you. He is the one that has a problem, and your still as beautiful and desirable as you ever was. Porn is never a reflection of a woman's beauty.Another reason why men might have sex problems is stress and worry.. how is his finances, how is his job, is the guy worrying over something and trying to hide it by spending so much time with fantasy people. Is he using porn instead of dealing with the problems that are causing him to stress out, and leaving you feeling rejected because he's trying to protect you and not wanting you to worry about him. Again, nothing to do with beauty. Some men don't use porn but they'll use computer games to do this and also avoid the bedroom.Him looking at swingers, doesn't mean he's interested in swinging. Could however be a sign that he's watching so much porn that he's getting bored of the normal and now needs more extreme images/idea's to turn him on.Rule out any possible medical conditions, or mental issues (stress and worry) Rule out alcohol, drugs and being overweight and unfit (all make sex with real people more difficult to achieve)If it's none of these, then he's been abusing porn and hiding from reality. Go and discuss the issue with him honestly. It's one thing to have a little porn from time to time, but if you can't have sex with the woman you love because you can't remember what proper sex is like, you've got a problem. Tell him, if you neglect being a proper husband, then you can't be surprised by a divorce or a wife who suddenly is never at home but seems to be sexually satisfied.Remember, try the "babe's you have a problem and I'm worried "approach first, before reminding him that a sexual woman can't stay alone for long and marriage includes some action in the bedroom.
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A
male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (18 February 2012):
 you didn't go wrong he did. he is more than likely addicted to porn. if he would stay away from it , you would see his interest in you return. you have done nothing wrong , it is him . he is in bondage to the porn he cant stay away from.
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A
male
reader, Honest Answer +, writes (18 February 2012):
 First off, there is nothing wrong with you. You need to set your husband down, and let him know face-to-face what you want in this relationship. If he is unable or unwilling to comply, you need to move on.
Don't let him make his porn issues about you, when they are 100% about him.
Good luck!
Jeff
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A
male
reader, need2know4life +, writes (18 February 2012):
He's not being honest with his feelings. He is hurting emotionally and professional help. Porn is very addicting to men especially men who has lost their way sexually. He is lost right now looking for a deeper connection some way of feeling loved. Try to talk to him about how it makes him feel and try to talk to him during sex to see if this helps him to come out of this lonely state of sexual feelings. You can do it. Let him know how this hurts you to see him watching porn and that porn is not the answer. He needs to get those images out of his head and stop watching it. Try to find a way to have sex with him that gets him turned on. Have you done any oral with him? He needs to hear you say that porn is not respecting women and you want to love him but porn is distorting his reality of sex. You want love and he just want hard unconnected meaningless raw sex. He is some how not feeling connected to you sexual. He needs to stop watching porn and you need to listen to what he needs. Tell him you will try some new things but he needs to put you first and stop watching porn in order to fix his problem. I know that he sees different women body types and I know that it is hard for women to deal with this. You should not feel bad and it is not your fault. A men should love his wife unconditionally and their is no excuse. find a way to connect with him. Touch him more, do unexpected things in bed to him. Find out what is eating him inside. Is he bored with how you look. Make him own his feelings and be responsible to deal with them with out dragging you down in the process. I wish porn did not exist. It is hurting a lot of men and it gives them a way to escape from dealing with what's in the heart. Talk to him and let him know that you will not judge him but porn needs to stop. He needs to love you and not porn and face the reality of his heart.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2012): With the ease of availability of porn, this seems to be a growing issue. The old saying 'there are three of us in this marriage' seems to be: you, him and Porn. It can be harmless, but is a growing problem in your situation. You need to flag up that his use is an addiction, like any other, which is destroying your relationship. You can't carry on like this. See if he feels this is an addiction too and that something has to be addressed. He needs to seek help/change his behaviour patterns or he will ultimately lose you.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 February 2012):
 There is NOTHING wrong with you... this is your husband's problem and if he does not get help in a professional capacity for it your marriage at least in the sexual arena is doomed.
I was a swinger with my last husband. He watched porn but we still had sex... but I was never enough emotionally for him...
we ended up splitting up and I blame our open marriage for allowing that to happen.
Ask him if he will go to counseling with you. IF he says yes then find a counselor that can help you both deal with the sexual problems. IF he says NO... go to counseling yourself to help bolster the fact that THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT AND YOU DID NOTHING WRONG.
and be prepared as you work with the counselor (on your own if he does not go) that you will grown and mature and become stronger and that your marriage may NOT survive.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (18 February 2012):
Hi there. When people turn to porn or even drugs or drinking heavily, it's very often not really about sex at all.
Surprising as that sounds I realize, it's more a way of escaping from boredom and a lack of a sense of purpose.
Before he started getting interested in porn, would you say that you were emotionally close to each oher?
Although he goes away with his work several times throughout the year, do you believe he likes his job?
Or, does he HATE his job and considers it to be "just a job" that pays the bills?
His behaviour seems fairly typical to someone who is a little lost and perhaps feeling he has no direction or meaning in his life.
It seems to have become almost a "hobby" for him.
And I definitely believe it's an escape, for sure. No doubt about it.
Escape from what, you ask.
Escape from having those feelings in life of - "Is this all my life is ever going to be? Going to work, coming home and watching tv, then going to bed and doing it all over again tomorrow, the next day and the next, and the next?"
He might be thinking - "There has to be more to life than this surely!"
And do you know what? A lot of people feel exactly that way at some time in their lives. It's so common, you wouldn't believe just how common it is these days.
Some people feel that way in their 30's or 40's, then 50's and beyond.
It's really a case of find your passion, and the sort of thing that helps you to get out of bed each morning with a true love of life, and really looking forward to your day with absolute passion and excitement and a real driveing force.
That is what seems to be missing in your husband's life.
I recognize it as plain as day.
I've had those feelings myself until I found my reason to be in this life.
Another reason - and a really BIG reason - for this type of restlessness, is when life seems to have no balance.
And this is when it seems like all you do is work. All work and no play.
Perhaps what your husband needs is some hobbies, or helping out giving his time to some local charities.
Perhaps volunteering some of his time to a local community garden. They grow fruits and vegies and you get to know other people and make some new friends. And it's fun!
Does your husband enjoy doing creative stuff - drawing, painting, making things with his hands with timber, for instance?
Does he go fishing?
Does he play golf?
Does he get together with his mates sometimes and maybe have a couple of beers with them at the local pub once a week?
It does seem that something is missing from his life, and the question is what?
And No, I don't believe it has anything at all to do with sex.
I believe he's bored and uninspired.
It's still a very poor slow economy, however it could be time for him to change careers.
If not changing his work profession, he does need to ask himself what he doesn't like about his life.
He might not know what he DOES want to do, however I am almost certain that he probably know what he DOES NOT like.
Sometimes if you start eliminating from your life, all the things you DO NOT like - one by one - well then that makes room for new things to enter your life.
He needs to ask himself what he isn't happy about with his life.
Eventually, he's going to realize that watching porn all the time, isn't really providing any answers to the true questions he has.
He will probably realize that all he's doing is escaping what really needs to happen.
And what really needs to happen, is that he has a really serious think about what he hates about his life.
Then go from there. It will be a journey. One that's really worth the effort.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2012): Sorry dear but your husband is a tosser! Literally...
There is nothing wrong with you. You are a full-blooded real female and he cannot cope with reality.
What you do about it well, you have the choice. You might want to discuss fantasies with him and spice up your sex life by telling each other stuff you'd like to try. It might be worth sticking around... but really, do YOU want HIM?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2012): He has become addicted to pornography. Unless he can acknowledge that fact and seek help, nothing will change. You can try talking to him. Explain how his addiction is ruining your self worth...and your relationship with him. If he is a wise man he will listen to you.
If he refuses to listen and is `happy` to continue down this route, then it might be a case of either leaving him now or later, once he starts cheating. If you are convinced this is what is going to happen next.
You obviously love him very much but you must also love yourself more. So do protect yourself and dont stay where you are very unhappy.
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