A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've been married for two years, we dated for three. My husband has two kids from a previous relationship. I have no children of my own, and his kids live with us full time. My husband was alone for seven years with his kids before he married me. Before we were married I was very clear that I wanted a family of four children; his two, plus two more. Now my husband has changed his mind and he feels his first two children are enough. This makes me incredibly sad. When I try to talk to him he shuts down and refuses to engage in the discussion. Has anyone else been in this situation? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2007): you want them, he doesn't. neither of you should be forced into a life you don't want. he changed his mind and he should have told you sooner but he can't help not wanting more kids. you have to decide if this issue is too important for you to compromise. if it is then you should do what is right for you and find someone who will have kids
A
female
reader, LauraE  +, writes (16 July 2007):
Hi there,
This is hard for you, because you did the right thing by discussing children before you married, and now he has changed his mind. I think my advice depends on how old you are. Your age range says that you are 30-35. If you are closer to 30, the advice from down to earth might be worth considering. But I wouldn’t leave it open ended – i.e. you can’t let this slide for too many years hoping that he will change his mind. If you are more like 35, the biological clock is ticking quite loudly by now. As you know, it is risky to assume that you can postpone motherhood until the late 30’s, because fertility is dropping fast by then. I think your husband owes it to you to have a proper open discussion about this problem. I suspect that he doesn’t want to because he is aware that he is on dodgy ground having changed his mind. He feels guilty about this, and is afraid that he might end up by agreeing to do what he doesn’t want to do. Hence the shut-down. I would have another go at discussing this with him. You have to remain calm (not easy), but firm. Get him to pick a time in the next day or 2 when you can sit down and talk about it properly. Make it clear that you are not just doing this to get your own way. Tell him this means that you may agree not to have any more children, but that you can’t make such an important decision without talking about all the reasons for this. I’m afraid the real question is, how important is it to have your own children? More important than your marriage? It’s a simplistic question I know, because of course both are very important to you. But that’s the bottom line because if your husband will not have more children, you have to decide whether it matters enough to you to end the relationship.
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A
female
reader, down to earth +, writes (16 July 2007):
 well as you know he has two children already he has been through a rough time as i can see because he is or was a single parent maybe he does want to have children with you but he might be scared because of the previous relationship talk to him and explain that you understand and you aint in a rush to have kids but it would be nice 2 have some more kids in the future.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2007): I've never been in a situation but I'd like to ask you some questions. Is there a reason you want more children? You say you have no children of your own but you seem to be the mother to two kids. Is your desire for more coming from some sort of need for a genetic link? Maybe the reason he shuts down is he is afraid that you'll stop caring for the two kids already there when you have two "of your own". From the way you asked the question it seems as though this is the case and if it is then you need to discuss this issue with him right away. As much as I hate to say it you two may have to separate over this. I hope it dose not come to that though.
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