A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My problem is a little embarrassing, but it’s causing a lot of trouble in my marriage. My husband wants sex and I don’t. I love my husband. I just don’t want to have sex with him. It has gotten to the point I dread the weekend because I know it is going to be nothing but 2 days of him trying to get me in bed while I am trying to avoid it. Sometimes I start feeling so guilty I give in out of guilt, but he can always tell. That turns into an argument because he says I am only having sex with him out of pity. He wants me to actually desire the sex…and I don’t. He is loving and attentive and tries hard to please me, but I just want to get it over with as quickly as we can. Other times I try and start an argument near bedtime so that he won’t even try to come on to me.He has never had an affair, but lately has been threatening to have one. Deep down I don’t blame him. On another level, I have to wonder if he loves me at all or if sex is all that he wants from me. When we were younger we had a lot of sex. Back then I did enjoy it, but as I have gotten older, it just isn’t something I’m interested in anymore. Our children are grown. I have other interests. I still love my husband, but I don’t understand why sex has to still be such a huge issue with us. It is causing problems in other areas of our marriage. There is a lot of tension and anger that was not there before.Can you help?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2013): Women separate sex and love. Men can't, to them they are one and the same. Many men seem to think that if they can "get" the woman to have a romp in the sack with them, then by definition that will mean she loves him.
since you used to enjoy intimacy with your husband and now you don't, I suspect the reason is due to buried feelings of resentment towards him. I suspect there are long standing problems in your emotional relationship with him that made you lose respect for him or start to see him as someone that you don't entirely trust.
The fact that he tries to 'get' sex from you despite now seeing how much you dislike it, and has threatened to have an affair in an effort to "get" you to "give it up", also shows his attitude towards you (one of profound lack of respect), which I think would alienate you even more.
I think your husband - like many men - seem to think that whatever emotional hurt he has caused you in the past (like lying, letting you down, being selfish, whatever) can be erased if only you two have a good time in the sack. So he tries to "make" you have a romp with him in the sack as he thinks this is how to repair the other problemmatic parts of the relationship or erase their existence.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2013): You cannot create non-existent feelings and desires on demand just because someone else wants you to have them.
Your marriage has run its course. You do love him, but more as a family member like a best platonic friend.
But marriage isn't supposed to be a platonic relationship. Well, not unless you allow him to get his physical needs met by someone else.
If you have no physical desire and in fact if you have physical revulsion for him, then your relationship is not a real marriage anymore. It is a very good close brother-sister type of relationship.
but that is not the relationship he wants. He wants a relationship where the other person desires him physically.
I don't blame him for wanting physical intimacy. After all, once married, you're not allowed to seek this from anyone else besides your spouse. But if you hate it, then every attempt he makes is badgering you. So in the end no one wins. if you give in and do it out of guilt or obligation, it's still not good enough for him because he can sense your revulsion and he wants you to desire him but you just dont'
He wants you to have feelings for him that just aren't there. You can force yourself to go through the motions (as you have been out of guilt) for his sake but you cannot create feelings of desire and gut reactions or even physiological responses on demand just because someone else wants you to have them.
therefore the only way forward is you need to get divorced (and remain friends if you want) because you both are not on the same page about what you want and need from each other.
If you get divorced then you both can get what you need and want: for you to not have to be subjected to something that you hate, and for him to have a chance to get it from someone else who will want and be willing where you're not.
You can still remain platonic friends even if you divorce, it's not the end of the world. You pretty much are right now already just that he doesn't want it to be that way.
I think it's wrong of him to threaten to have an affair if you don't give in. That is wrong on so many levels. It's saying that he believes he can coerce or blackmail you into doing something he knows you hate. He should have divorced you respectfully instead.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2013): Is something hidden in your life regarding your husband you aren't telling us?Otherwise I can't understand why you don't want to sexually please him if as you say, you love him. Sex is a very important part in a marriage not only as a way to experience fun and pleasure but as a way to share love, at this point in your life you should already know it and you should stop asking yourself why your husband wants to have sex with you.I think it is pretty obvious, he loves you and he's physically attracted to you, It’s time you faced the fact that you're a lucky woman, you have a husband who loves you, who wants to make love to you, what else do you need to unconditionally give yourself to your husband again ? do it and give your marriage a second chance, make an effort, otherwise you will destroy it, it's up to you, good luck.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (8 March 2013):
 Men express their love through sex. When you reject him or dread his affections, we usually take it as a personal affront that you don't love us, find us attractive, or worse. Metaphorically speaking men consider sex to be the dessert of marriage -- without it, the meal is only ordinary.
By turning down your husband you are putting your marriage at risk. Are you willing to sacrifice your long term marriage because you can't accommodate him for 15 - 20 minutes a few times a week? Your man, to ease his tensions, will either resort to skirt chasing or using pornography to make up for lack of intimacy. Only a very few can remain faithful while continually being rejected.
The fact that you are self-sabotaging your relationship isn't helping matters either. Your are punishing him for wanting to love you -- how hurtful is that?
Some food for thought and suggestions:
1) Is your husband a good lover? Do you have an orgasm with him? Do you like orgasms? Perhaps if you told him what you wanted or needed, you would enjoy sex again. If the routine has been more rinse and repeat -- perhaps you need to change the location or tempo.
2) I suggest reading "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr Laura Schlessinger. By reading the book, you will learn how men feel about sex and the importance associated with it.
3) Finally if your libido has taken a hit, you may want to talk to your doctor to see if hormonally there is something going on. Many women who are approaching 40 lose their libido and a doctor can help. Also consider ANY medication you may be taking, as that can kill your sex drive as well.
Eddie
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2013): I have a similar story to share with you. My wife was sexually abused as a child and I found out about this over fifteen years ago. Shortly there after she had a complete mental breakdown. She had another breakdown about five years ago. We both saw professional help. To sum it all up she doesn't want anymore sex and I haven't had any from her in nine years. I pretty well raised our two daughters who knew everything that happened to her. They are both married and doing fine. My response to you it is possible that he wants sex. You don't want to. Maybe your being selfish. Sex doesn't have to involve intercourse. I cant get anything at night other than a hug and a kiss. Its not fair, but you should reconsider your decision. Were you abused as a child that caused this to happen to you? Seek help. I tried. You should to. You seem to have a good relationship why throw it out the window? Come on get out of yourself. Try to meet him half way. You are gong to lose this man one way or another. There is somebody always waiting to take over when your out of the picture. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2013): Hiya, have you tried doing something in the bedroom that you would enjoy aswel as him? Men normally have a reqlly high sex drive and its proberly just making him want it more when you arnt giving it to him. Sex makes a relathionship healthy, so maybe try doing something that you do enjoy. Use your imagination :) hope that helps!!
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (7 March 2013):
 sex is a vital and important part of a healthy marriage. it's a way for the two to emotionally bond as well as physically bond. so him wanting sex isn't ridiculous. it's a normal human need.
is there a particular reason you don't want your husband to touch you? is it a physical thing, like he's gained weight? or are you somehow put off by him? or are you just bored of your sex life? can you pin point why you are feeling this way?
sex is not the only thing he wants from you. you two are missing a huge component of your relationship. he's probably feeling incredibly insecure, unattractive, and unloved as a result. not to forget to mention, incredibly sexually frustrated. it's probably leading to a lot of other problems in your marriage.
i encourage you to get to the bottom of the problem, and rather than getting mad at your husband for wanting a basic human need to be met, realize that he has a legitimate reason for being upset.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 March 2013):
 You are way too young to be off of sex. Have you had a medical work up with your GYN to determine if your hormone levels are ok? If they check out ok, then you need to figure out what it is that’s the problem. Perhaps some personal counseling will help you work on it.
Sex is a huge part of marriage. If you can’t figure out why you do not desire your husband then you probably need to let him go and find someone who he can have a complete relationship with.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2013): Sex is an important and healthy part of a marriage...that's why you need to work on it.
There is something going on with you medically/physically...are you going through menopause??? I would highly suggest going to your doctor, explain how you are feeling and have them test your hormones...specifically testosterone. That is the hormone in which you feel desire...if that is missing in your body, that would probably explain why your desire has dwindled and is now gone.
Until you can get yourself figured out, please make an effort, even if it's not coming from your physical body, but to connect with your husband on the basis that you love him deeply and will do what it takes to keep the fire going.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (7 March 2013):
 Sex is a massive part of a relationship, without sex you are basically just good friends living together. Affection, intimacy, passion....these are all required to make a marriage or relationship last. You are being incredibly selfish to expect your husband to forget about sex just because you dont like it anymore - he married a woman who used to love sex, he wont want to be married to this new person who has decided that for no reason she doesnt like sex anymore.
Of course your husband doesnt just want you for sex, that is absurd - he married you so clearly he loves you, he started a family with you so you are the person he chose to spend the rest of his life with. If he was with you just for sex he wouldnt care if you didnt enjoy it or not, there wouldnt be any arguments about him wanting you to desire sex.
I think you need to get help, it is not normal or healthy just to suddenly go off sex and if you dont get help then you will lose your husband. He shouldnt have to suffer a sexless marriage, no-one should. So if you want your marriage to work you need to figure out what has caused your decreased libido. Go to the doctors first and see if there is a medical reason for it, it is quite common for there to be a medical reason behind a diminished libido. If that doesnt work, try some kind of therapy or counselling, ideally with someone who specialises in sex and sexual problems.
Act quickly - you will lose your husband over this and break up your family through your own selfishness if you are not careful.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2013): OP you don't give any reason why you don't want sex. "Just because" is not a reason OP. Can you identify when it happened, maybe there are causes for your loss of libido perhaps even early menopause?
OP I know people get this idea that you just grow out of sex as a major thing. But that's not you.
1) You're too young to just have your libido go from rampant to nothing.
2) You haven't just lost your libido OP the idea of sex disgusts you and causes you considerable grief.
You can't just put that down to no longer being interested, and you also really seem to pass this off as his problem, why does it have to be issue etc.
OP it's a massive issue for almost everyone to go from lots of sex to nothing. Other than cheating it's probably the most common issue we get here and it's a massive to deal to your husband.
I mean come on OP, you even stoop to starting a fight so he won't try it on. If you think that's in any way normal you're mistaken.
"I have to wonder if he loves me at all or if sex is all that he wants from me."
Actually OP you have that the other way around, he has more reason to question your love because you've taken away one of the fundamental ways of showing your love in a relationship. You've taken away the physical intimacy and the closest you can be to your partner emotionally too.
OP I would be devastated if my fiancée suddenly never wanted sex with me anymore, I'd lose my mind if the idea actually upset her or made her feel the way you do, and I'd be furious if she passed it off like you do as being his fault. "Why can't he understand why I never want him close to me ever again?" can you not see how that may be an issue for someone?
OP maybe you should go see a doctor to see if there's a medical reason why you lost your libido if you don't already know the reasons. You can't ask anyone to remain in a sexless, passionless marriage with zero intimacy. In all countries in the world that's reasonable grounds for divorce, even in crazy third world countries people are more than within their rights to leave such a marriage and most would expect them to do so.
I think you're asking him to accept the unacceptable, you sound like you don't even want to try and fix this and frankly OP a relationship without sex is just a friendship.
Just to be clear OP, if it's simply a choice then I can respect that but you should make sure it's a choice and there isn't something actually wrong, medically or mentally. People don't just stop enjoying sex without a reason and you should try to find out that. but you can't expect him to stay in a marriage with zero intimacy with a woman who is disgusted by the idea of him touching her. In that respect you have it backwards. You have the right to refuse, always. But you must accept the consequences of not fulfilling his needs too.
OP at least give it a shot and see if you can get your libido back, you have nothing to lose by trying and frankly your marriage is going to be a loveless, soulless passionless rut if you don't.
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A
male
reader, Meer  +, writes (7 March 2013):
Sex is important for all time of life, so enjoy it
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (7 March 2013):
 Sex is NOT all that he wants from you, but he does need it from you. If you don't have sex with him, he will eventually leave you for sure.
Can you agree with him that you'll have sex with him, say, once a week? I guess not, because i'm guessing the very thought of having sex with him is repugnant to you.
Maybe a doctor or sexual counsellor can help?
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A
female
reader, ihavetoomanythoughts  +, writes (7 March 2013):
 "I have to wonder if he loves me at all or if sex is all that he wants from me."Well he could very well be thinking "I have to wonder if she loves me at all because she shows absolutely no sign of desiring me".I understand that women do experience loss of libido. From my perspective, I see two types of women. I see a woman who has no sex drive and really wants to rectify that because she understands how important it is in a relationship. Then I see another woman who has no sex drive, doesn't want to do anything about it and just wishes that everyone will leave her alone even if they have needs of their own.It's not wrong of you to feel like you just want to be left alone, but you have to look further than that and also see that you're in a relationship. That means there are TWO people involved. It can't just be about what you want. You're husband needs the sex because that's generally the way men are wired. Now you don't want sex, so you might compromise with him and negotiate for a middle ground. There is some sex, just less of it.Obviously negotiation isn't going to solve your problem of no libido. You should see your doctor or a sex therapist to see if they can help. Sometimes all it takes is a change in attitude. A change in the way sex is initiated. Something to make it more interesting. Other times you might need the help of hormone creams or other treatments. Make the effort and try and solve this problem otherwise your marriage could very well fail. Goodluck!
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