A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:i need an opinion. i've been married to my husband for 13 years, my husband can't stop thinking about me having sex with another man. we agreed to try swinging a few times even though i was back and forth about it i tried it for him, after experiencing it i told him that it wasn't what i wanted and that i didn't want to do it anymore. he said it was fine, not a big deal and wouldn't say anything else about it. well he brings it up every few months and gets a big attitude with me when i tell him it's not what i want , he keeps telling me i only say that because of what society thinks about it. he doesn't want to be with other women he prefers to see me with other men, my question is why? he's seen it before and has it engraved in his head that i had this awesome orgasm when in reality it was no more of an orgasm that when i'm with him, he says he won't talk about it anymore but every few months the subject comes around again so we are fighting every few months because i tried it for him it's not for me and he just refuses to believe that i don't want to, like i said he thinks this type of lifestyle is totally normal and there is nothing wrong with it but i don't think the same, i tried it and it wasn't for me, whoever can do it kudos to ya it's just not for me. i just don't understand why he wants to see some other man banging his wife, he's seen it before and i didn't care for it so why does he still hang on to it? it's clearly a big deal for him since he keeps telling me he won't say anything else about it yet everytime we have sex he talks about it, i can't remember the last time we had sex without him talking about seeing me with someone else. i just don't get it. help!!!!!!!!! all opinions are very much apprectiated.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2008): thank you all for your posts, while reading all of them there are so many points that i agree with. i do ty to understand his wants and stuff that is the whole reason that i tried swinging with him in the first place. we tried it 6 or 7 times like i said it just isn't for me. i've tried the recording us for him, tried watching porn with him everything he wants i try it just seems that he will never let it go. i'm fine with him and his "dirty talk" but it has gotten to the point that it is every time we have sex that he talks about it,and it's very specific stuff not just talking dirty he walks thru every minute of what he envisions of me being with someone else. i would just like to make love every once in a while. he tried but always ends up bring up me and men. he also has in his head that he wants to see me getting off to a huge "package" we'll say, even though he's a good 8 inches and well endowed with his width he wants to see me with a 10 in that's as wide as a bottle of water! i've bought toys for him, large dildos, vibrators etc but to be honest the big ones hurt so i don't enjoy it. anyway thanks again for all the responses. hopefully he'll stop one day
A
male
reader, oldfool  +, writes (22 October 2008):
 By the way, you say that everytime you have sex he talks about it. Does this mean that he tries to convince you to go and do it? Or is it merely part of his "sex talk", a running dialogue of raunchy talk meant to turn him on while you have sex? There's an important difference.
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A
male
reader, oldfool +, writes (22 October 2008):
I can understand but disagree with the last few posters who expressed repulsion at the very idea of a husband wanting his wife to have sex with another man.
I think there are two points:
* Neither partner should be forced into doing something they don't want to do. I totally agree with this.
* One partner should, however, make some effort at understanding and accommodating the other partner's desires. This the original poster has already done, by participating in a threesome. Having made the effort, it's clear to her that she doesn't want this.
I posted the Wikipedia articles in the hope that it may help her better understand her husband's desires. This will not at all necessarily swing her towards accepting what he wants, but understanding is better than not understanding.
I think the original poster is in a very difficult position. As Sandman said, there is no middle ground here. But ignoring what he says is not going to make the issue go away. The OP could discuss it with him, but he doesn't appear to be receptive to what she says, growing angry at her "conservatism". I really hope you can work something out here, but unless the two of you can communicate in a meaningful way, and unless some kind of compromise can be reached, it will be difficult to find a happy resolution.
The OP can hold out against him (as some have suggested) all she wants, but given the strength of this obsession, I fear that in the end he's going to find some other way to get what he desires. This is a very difficult situation, and screaming that it's "warped, unhealthy, destructive" won't solve the OP's problem.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2008): Anytime a husband pressures/manipulates his wife into sex & she gives in, eventually her feelings turn numb and wants nothing to do with him.
This guy doesn't deserve a devoted wife like her.
Why isn't he jealous of another man touching, caressing his Own wife?! Doesn't he care those memories are forever in her mind? Shouldn't he only want her for himself??!
I don't care what anybody says, it's warped, unhealthy, destructive to Ever want your wife with another man..why even take vows and get married?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2008): I actually think he is being disrespectful.
Not that I have a problem with diverse sexual lifestyles, but he is trying to tell you what you should want.
I would be pretty mad that he is not listening to what you are saying, and believing you.
I have no idea why he wants other men to sleep with his wife, a proclivity?
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A
male
reader, oldfool +, writes (22 October 2008):
See also:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Compersion
and
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Swinging#Hot_Wife
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A
male
reader, oldfool +, writes (22 October 2008):
For a bit more perspective on your husband, have a look at this Wikipedia article on "Cuckolding", starting at "Cuckolding as a fetish".
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cuckolding
It may be useful in understanding this.
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A
male
reader, oldfool +, writes (22 October 2008):
This will continue to be a problem as it is obviously something he wants to do badly. It won't go away.
It's a common enough sexual fantasy to imagine sexual situations involving other men. With one former girlfriend I loved to talk dirty, suggesting while we were having sex that we could have a couple of other men in the act, one standing on each side of us, and she could grip their (large) penises while we went at it. She quite enjoyed the talk!
But some men like to actually do it. They love to see their woman actually having sex with another man. Your man is one of them. It quite clearly turns him on mightily. I don't know the psychological reasons for it. You could check around the Internet for why men want to do this. But it's certainly within the range of human sexual behaviour!
I don't know what to suggest. I would suggest you trying this one more time, "just for him". But since you've done it once and are not willing to do it again, there's not much you can do on that front. You seem to be at an impasse.
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A
male
reader, benefattore +, writes (22 October 2008):
 Video tape your sex, and let him watch it. It might just be a visual fantasy that he wants (seeing you have sex).
It makes no sense to me that a man, who "loves" you, wants to see their wife make love to another person guy. I never got that and I never will.
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A
male
reader, Sandman +, writes (22 October 2008):
 You and your husband are on different sides of the spectrum. While your husband desires to see you with another man and will do anything to make that happen - you will do anything to make it NOT happen. Unfortunately in this situation there is not middle ground.
Seeing you with another man seems to be a huge turn on and a fantasy for your husband. He gets really worked up seeing you being pleasured by another man - perhaps doing things to you he can't do or won't do - but he enjoys seeing you in the throes of ecstasy while he watches. Remember, sexual arousal begins in the mind - he wants to visualize you being pleasured - having very powerful orgasms while he watches. There is something about watching that is a greater turn on rather than being involved. You don't have to expend any energy but retain all the pleasures - just from watching. This may be the case with your husband.
And the other thing is the fantasy being played out. This may be something he has always wanted but never said anything - or something he tripped across and found out that it turns him on greatly. Real quick: the first time my girlfriend squirted (female ejaculation) I was hooked. It wasn't something I had seen before - or something that I wanted. But once I *saw* it, I wanted it more and more. EVERY sexual encounter after that involved me making her squirt - because it turned me on just *seeing* it. Not only was she doing something that I loved to see her do (squirt) - but she got pleasure from it while she did it (orgasm). The same *may* be for your husband. You are doing something that he loves to see you do (be with another man) AND you are receiving physical pleasure from it (orgasm).
So what do you do? Well, like I said before, there is no middle ground. I think the best solution is ignore it when he brings it up. If it's during sex, just continue to moan and sigh as you would while HE gives you pleasure and have your orgasms with him. Don't ruin the sex your are already in engaged in. But when its over, remind him of the powerful orgasm you just had and how great it was to share that orgasm with him - not some other man. Tell him you can *cum* with another man, but you orgasm with him - and explain the difference between the two. How you are emotionally connected to him and not to the other man - and how that emotion makes the orgasm better for you. Try to explain that no other man can make you feel the way HE makes you feel when you're making love. And again, gently remind him that sex with another man is not something you want to do because it isn't *him*.
He may be responsive and he may not. But it's worth continually trying to keep your marriage together rather than bringing in other people to help tear it apart. What happens if you like it TOO much? What happens if YOU start initiating sex with other men? It *might* make him feel like an inadequate lover and may resent you being with other men. We (hopefully) will never know because (hopefully) he will back down and listen to you when you tell him love is more powerful than sex. And you would rather love him than have sex with another man.
Hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, JustChillin +, writes (22 October 2008):
 Wow...this whole "Swingers Lifestyle" thing has me scratching my head!! Is this something that has now given us a license to CHEAT...out in the open...in front of our spouses...including, with our spouses??!! Can someone just say ORGY!!
Please!! What has happened to the sanctity of marriage??!! I truly believe this type of lifestyle can cause problems after the initial satisfaction of the SEX wears old!!
I know this lifestyle has sure caused some strain on one of my friend's marriage!! He and his wife were participating in this Swingers Lifestyle and guess what? His wife got pregnant!! Now, that in itself was stupid for her NOT to be using protection (Condom)!! God only knows how many diseases are spread with that type of a lifestyle!! But anyway...back to the situation...it was discovered she was pregnant by the other man...not the husband. Long story....short...they are now in a battle over who is going to be responsible for the child...as their marriage it seems is breaking up because of what that lifestyle got them!! That's really too bad because they had been married for 11 years. =(
My point is...I think it only opens your marriage up for problems in the long run. If you are having a slump with your SEX life, there are sure easier ways to spice it up without involving the lives of others!!
Call me old school...but when it comes to SEX...I want to share that special LOVE MAKING with the man I LOVE...NOT with OTHERS!!
I'm sure sorry that your husband doesn't seem to have enough respect for you that he can't accept and honor your wishes that you don't care to participate in that lifestyle.
I hope that his stubborness doesn't end up ruining a 13 year marriage. He needs to be more understanding and see things from your perspective instead of letting the "head" between his legs dictate...the lifesytle he desires!!
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