A
female
age
41-50,
*issbigony
writes:My husband told me I was a fat disgusting pig! And he watches porn because I'm boring in bed and I have no ambition. These are things he has never said before to me ,we got into a fight and told me he needed to get things off his chest. I have begged him to not look at porn and he always lies and says he doesn't but I see it on the computer. Porn makes me feel awful about my self and yes I have gained weight I have had 2kids and back surgies. I can't do the same things as I could before. I don't understand where this has came from he always told me I was the most beautiful girl in the world to him and always told me I was not fat also said that if I ever had sex with another man make sure the lights are off because if he seen me naked he will run. I'm guessing he is referring to the streach marked I have from his kids he has never said anything like this before. He has told me a few things I do t do right in bed or things he wants me to do sometimes it gets annoying to always being told what I do wrong in bed. I'm not a porn star and never will be. I also should mention we have been together for 15years. This fight we got into was awful and I have no clue what I did he just went off and the stuff he said tore me apart I have never been so hurt ever.now I feel as if he lied to me for yearsi can't trust him at all. He told me he was leaving me but won't divorce me. I don't get it. I don't know if he ment it or just running his mouth which he has done many times before but never has said anything about my weight also told me my back problems are all my fault which he knows it not true he has been to Dr with me. I don't get what has happened told me I ruined his life we were fine early that day haven't fought in a long time. I'm so hurt and broken feeling I don't know what to do. I'm currently at my parents my kids keep asking what's going on why didn't there dad come. When he did this we were on our way up to spend time with parents for the weekend. I just need some good advice :(
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male
reader, RevMick  +, writes (24 June 2014):
 Hi missbigony,
I think sometimes in long term relationships, the sex does get same old same old. Should he have lashed out? No.
Try adding a bit of spice, some lingerie or more foreplay and see how that goes. There is nothing wrong will telling you something isn't working or some things could be better.
I'm sure if you wanted a better orgasm, and he could get you there with small tweaks to what he does, you would also mention them. It's how the subject is broached that needs dealing with.
Sit down and have an honest and open discussion, or while you are playing together give him pointers or show him what you like, etc.
If none of that works, try counseling or couples therapy. Hope that helps.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (22 June 2014):
 It's best that you leave this boor... and get on with your life. Being by yourself will be FAR BETTER than enduring the vitriole of this creep.....
Good luck...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2014): Such a rage comes from built-up frustration. It sounds like it is coming from a man reaching his breaking-point. I think he lashed-out at you, only because you're an easy and available target. You've always assumed the position of his victim; therefore, he became the monster he feels you have characterized him to be. Porn has made you lose respect for him. I suspect that's how he feels. You may be right. It should be limited to non-existent; unless you don't mind it.
If he hides it, and you seek it to scold him? Your bad. Regardless of female-opinion otherwise. He is a grown-man.
I do believe some of what he said to get off his chest, was only how he felt at the time. Not really deep inside. Don't take what is said in anger to heart. It is usually regretted, once cooler-heads prevail.
Something set him off, and your issues about his porn habit got on his very last nerve. There are many many more issues in your marriage. You detailed only the one. Porn.
He needs to get counseling for anger management. Such angry language is as powerful as a punch. It cuts far too deep, and goes to a place that causes trauma that can easily cause terrific emotional-damage. It will never be forgotten, once it is said.
He really should see a doctor; if he has made as radical of a change in his personality, as you've described it. We only know what you've told us,let me remind you.
However; my wisdom says there is more to it than you explained. You want and need sympathy; so there is going to be a one-sided picture painted against the accused. He has now been brought before the court of opinion. Let the trial begin.
If you have been searching through things to throw-up in his face about porn, you will incur his wrath. If you whine and go on and on about how it makes you feel less attractive; when he tells you over and over it makes no difference...of course, in final frustration; he is going to tell you it does. That is what you want to hear. You wouldn't believe otherwise. True, or not.
That is, since it seems to be so much of a problem in your mind anyway.
Let me make this perfectly clear. I AM NOT saying any of this is your fault. However; not being raised a fool, I do know that insecurity will finally drive your spouse or partner nuts. They get fed-up with it over-time. He blew up in total frustration. It was the final straw. Your insecurity is too much. Your excuses piss him off. Your passive-aggressive approach is mind-torture.
If you think back, consider his pressures on the job. Having a particularly f*cked-up day. Normal daily family-pressures. You have kids, they have needs that supersede other pressing financial-problems. His boss may be on his back, rumors of layoffs may be looming over his head, lots of bills and/or taxes; and he is irritated about your love-life. He has to dole out discipline and offer guidance as a father. He may not be as good at it as he should be. You may remind him of that in indirect or subtle ways.
You let yourself go a little. You conveniently blame it on having children. Having children is not a disease, and doesn't normally disfigure women. Lack of exercise should be given some blame. Granted, back issues has limited your mobility. Nature can be cruel. No doubt about that.
Frequently implying his use of porn is a sickness (it could be, if it is excessive). Resistance to trying things new in the bedroom; and snooping through his private things, to find something he has hidden to use as fuel for an argument. These things are passive-aggressive ways of getting back at people. It is the use of humiliation to publicly shame them; and put them on the defensive. Then retreating into a shell, once you bring out the rage and retaliatory behavior. That builds-up like plaque, on a person's psyche.
When you take a stance. Stand your ground. Don't just throw stones and run. That is your opportunity to discuss and resolve a problem. Retreating after you upset people, will build-up into a whopper of an argument in time. Your last argument was an explosion of anger that was pent up for years. You don't say if he is normally passive; otherwise.
If you don't want him to get any empathy, you won't. Not that he deserves any.
Not saying it outright; but "heavily implying" someone is sick or perverted for viewing porn; is a dangerous tool to get at their conscience. Refusing sex, and claiming porn to be the reason; will certainly not gain you any points in the bedroom.
Blaming him for not seeing you as beautiful; if you know you're not watching what you eat. Getting minimal exercise under doctor-supervision is a total health-benefit. All the mothers I know do it. No matter how many children they have. Even those with back and joint issues. Excessive-weight can cause medical complications to your back, organs, and other parts of your body. If he told you it was no problem in the past. It was frustrating to know you didn't believe him. You were implying he was a liar. You may have said so in your own anger.
As a mom, your health is important. Your children need you healthy and strong in order to keep up with them. Your husband would like to see that you keep yourself up. Not necessarily slim; just looking your best when you can. He knows when you've given-up to your insecurities. Feeling, what's the use? He's not going to let you get away with blaming porn. It's too convenient.
Your favorite excuse to hit him with is, his watching porn destroyed your self-esteem. Well, he also feels you're boring in bed. What has porn got to do with that? Either you enjoy sex with your husband, or you don't. Maybe you don't, and won't be honest about it.
Perhaps over the years, he has learned to avoid talking to you about marital-problems; because everything attacks your self-esteem, or you take it as scornful criticism. So he blurted everything out in a fit of angry rage!
I'm glad you got yourself and the children away from him. He sounds out of control. He has totally lost it. He sounds like a total basket-case. The children should not see him in such a state. Please continue to protect them as you have. Please don't let his words destroy you inside. They are hateful words, not the truth. They came from a dark-place. Not his heart. Still, no excuse. He had the power and control not to say them. So in that case, guilty as charged.
All this will come across to you as though I'm making excuses for him. Not in the least. I deplore men who rage against their families. Something is wrong with a man, when he blows up like that. So he better get some professional help.
We don't have the benefit of him giving us his side of the story. Therefore; I will fill-in with speculation; because men are always characterized as beasts against women. Which isn't always the case. We never have any excuse for violence or verbal-abuse. That is morally wrong, and against the law. No way around these facts.
Every outburst has an original source of irritation. I was simply offering an opinion; based on little fact. We have to be objective; and all opinions are subjective. When all you have is something an OP has submitted in a post.
Your post doesn't tell a whole story. I like details and I give advise based on two-sides of a situation. Like it or not.
He has to have consequences for his behavior. That means he doesn't get to see you, or his children. He acted out of character. He was violent in the sense he allowed rage to overtake him. He said things with extreme malice, and with the intent to inflict psychological-damage. For that, he owes you restitution and an apology beyond mere words. He owes you a lifetime of making up those words, or a divorce.
Either, or. Nothing short of one, or the other.
A man must never forget under the influence of his rage that he is talking to his wife, mother of his children, girlfriend, mother; or his sister. Any woman. He has the upper-hand having physical-strength; which gives his anger added reinforcement. Using intimidation toward women makes him less of a man. Less of a human. He places his forgiveness at the mercy of his victim. She has the right to deny him that forgiveness. She also has the right to leave him forever, and take all that she deserves with her. That can include his children and his property. That's the price we have to pay sometimes.
I am sorry your ears had to hear such words, and I hope the children weren't within earshot. You will need counseling for the post traumatic stress. I doubt you can fully recover without some professional help. He came down on you too hard. I would be traumatized being talked to like that.
I'm pretty tough. Not to say I wouldn't have clocked him pretty hard. You were right to leave, not fight.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (22 June 2014):
 Porn has zero to do with his sudden 'acting out' I think he's going through a mid life crisis and needs proffesional help..it doesn't sound like it's you he hates-I think he hates himself and is taking it out on you 'cause you're the closest and he can hurt you the most. It aint you though so get that out of your mind and don't guilt over it.good Luck
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A
female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (22 June 2014):
I can understand your hurt and feeling down over the very hurtful things you husband has said to you.First of all if your husband had these pent up feelings about your weight he should hae sat down and talked to you in a kind sensitive way and not the way he did. However lets FOCUS on you.You have as you stated 2 children plus surgies on your back which would be quiet painful.Would you consider going to a counsellor because this would be very helpful for you I think it might be a good idea to go and see your doctor and have a chat with him in regards to gentle excerise to help re your weight.Do this for YOU.The hurt is still rather raw so let things settle and give it time.Best Luck NORA B.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2014): Leave him. It's best for both of you (and your children) because this is toxic.
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