A
female
age
51-59,
*itygirl222
writes:I apoligize in advance for the length of this.. I hope to give you enough information for fair advise. I have issues with my son (17) and my husband (his stepfather).. we have been married for almost 8 years now. it's always been somewhat of a struggle. My son has ADHD and really struggles in school and alot of it has to do with just putting forth the effort.. I drive him to a charter school that's almost 30 minutes away every day and have to find him a ride home. I did this to try and get him through high school. Last week I found out he only got one credit in the last semester and so I said I would get his work and bring it home. And I kept him home for a week. He's very social and doesn't want to be kept home unless it's a day HE feels like it. This didn't go over well with my husband thinking I just left him there to do whatever he wanted.. that wasn't my point.. I brought work home from the school and he did it.. just to get back in...He's been back for 2 whole days and then missed yesterday. anyway..following is a conversation we had last night which finally ended in him telling me he wanted a divorce. it's not the first time he's said it.. I feel like he wants a divorce every other week.. I don't know what to do. Feel like I'm trapped in the middle. This is his third marraige and my first.. and I didn't get married just to get divorced. But I almost just want to tell him he wins, I give, he can have his divorce...Please let me know your thoughts.HIM: I have had enough we already have had many talks with him he just don"t get it. He is LAZY and never listens to us, he has it made living there if he thinks its so bad call Stan to pick him up. Im tired of having to loose my temper to get it through to him then he could care less and nothing changes. If he would take responsibility and buck up maybe i would treat him better and show more respect. He is a liar shows no effort every time let me remind you,won"t clean his room, failing school,messes the rest of the house up,does not mind either one of us.He is only happy and minds when he gets to do what he wants like playing or sleeping. I am done trying to reason with him he is full shit all the time.CALL Stan OR I WILL! ME: I showed him your text and he is begging and pleading that we don't call ronnie promising to go to school everyday and do his work and and keep his room clean. also remember Stan said he could not come back there. I didn't remind him of that though. can you please come and talk to me? I have a plan maybe you can help me with it. you do have a knack for making things work. I love youHIM: Thats the problem I have with both of you. What let me guess he has you believing that shit again he is a FUCKING LIAR,LAZY ASS just like his looser daddy. There again he is just blowin smoke up ur ass to get what he wants fuch him!ME: no I didn't say I believe him. but what am I supposed to do all I can do is keep trying what ever I can with the people I love. I've been in touch with the teacher daily I have more work coming to catch up. and that's what he can do in the evenings. I feel like I'm in a bad spot here and I could really use your help and support I love youHIM: I thought we had an agreement when he refused to go to school you would call me or I would come home and get his lazy ass. You didnt do what we agreed to so he got his way again. You wonder why I get mad at you! I dont believe that stomach ache bullshit for one second, its funny he is always fine when US hard working people get home and then he wants to smoke,ride the mule and hang out in the garage WOW REALLY! ME: yes I should have called you this morning I'm sorry.you have been so busy it's hard for me to call and disturb you. especially for that. I can't defend him. there is no defense. but I do have to keep trying. you could come home and talk to me nowHIM: Im telling u Im done I cant do this anymore look what just happened a week ago. We cant live like this and I have way ran out of patients. Trying to get him to do anything I wont do it anymore at this point I dont want to even be be there!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2012): I have adhd. I am currently going one month without meds. If you want your kid to behave, you need to cut out all high fructose corn syrup, refined sugar, candy, processed foods, AND food coloring from his diet. This is something my mother figured out early on in my childhood.If you are going to let your son stay home and smoke and blame everything on his adhd, shame on you! His adhd has nothing to do with your poor parenting skills. My mother had great parenting skills, my adhd got the best of me after i left for college because i hadn't been diagnosed and didn't realize that the healthy diet and the daily routine she established for us (i have two other sibilings with add/adhd) had been keeping my symptoms under control.Ppl with add/adhd need a routine and proper diet to do well especially when they are unmedicated. If your son is supposed to take medication, you need go make sure he isn't selling or trading it to friends. Make him take it in front of you if necessary.Finally, if he doesn't care about school, explain to him NOW that he needs to find a job. Tell him you will be kicking him out on his 18th birthday so he can be the adult he thinks he is. (if he is old enough to smoke, he's old enough to take care of himself.) you need to stop coddling this kid and put your foot down or he will continue to walk all over you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2012): it's a very difficult situation. Is your son undergoing any treatment for his ADHD? I'm not sure if you were reporting the conversation verbatim or just paraphrasing but the strong language from your husband really shows his frustration at you not just at your son. It's summed up in:"I thought we had an agreement "and "You didnt do what we agreed to .... You wonder why I get mad at you! "When people say "I thought we had an agreement"... if this is the first time, the emotions behind it may be just neutral curiosity as to why you deviated from the agreement. But if this is the umpteenth time it's happened, or even if it's the first time but the issue is a serious emotionally-charged one and there was ample opportunity for you to consult them but didn't, then the emotions behind it are feelings of betrayal, breaking of trust, and feeling disrespected or marginalized, and feeling HELPLESS because what's the point of making agreements that you are invested in if you can't trust your partner to keep them? If you want your husband's support and cooperation you need to stick to the agreements you made with him. Your husband didn't agree with your decision to keep your son home from school. Yet you did it anyway because you felt this was the best solution to the problem of getting his homework done. So even though you did what you felt was the right thing, still you disregarded your husband's opinion even though you want his support and cooperation.If you stuck with the agreement, even though it's not what you felt was the best solution, then even if the outcome was predictably undesirable, at least you gained your husband's trust and respect by honoring the agreement so that NEXT time around he would be more willing to go with what you want.Then you had agreed to call your husband if your son refused to go to school, but again you didn't do that. Apologizing afterward doesn't do any good if you keep on doing the same thing.Your husband was willing to put forth the effort, at one time. You can't blame him for getting frustrated and angry and feeling helpless when he sees that his efforts are for nothing. He also feels that you are undermining his efforts by not being cooperative. If this has been going on 8 years, then it's only natural that finally he wants out, he's finally "had it."basically you and your husband both want the same thing: for your son to be more productive and more honest and more respectful of both of you. You're actually on the same team (or were). so you need to work WITH your husband by including him in decisions and sticking with agreements you made with him. As to the specific content of those decisions and agreements (whether to keep him home from school or not, etc), this is where you both might need outside help for dealing with ADHD. But bottom line is if you want to keep the relationship with your husband, you need to LISTEN to his frustration and see where YOU are contributing to it, and you need to also support him, not get stuck in your own frustration and ask his support.
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reader, MikeEa1  +, writes (13 April 2012):
 I understand a lot of what you are saying. I myself have a 17yo adhd daughter. my wife and I have split and we share custody. it has been a huge strain on our relationship having a daughter with these problems. the daughter cares not at all about her parents and just uses us all the time. she is very rude and abusive. my wife tries too hard and I try to little. all I can say is that I think you should try and make your own time away from both your son and partner so that you can enjoy your life a bit more. it is your life and you will not live forever and you won't be able to please both these people at the same time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2012): Have you ever seen additional therapists and counsellors when dealing with your ADHD son?
Also, if you promised to call Step Dad the next time he is called home- you keep that promise. Dad is rightfully upset.
I do see that he sees you and son vs HIM if you KEEP doing this to him.
YOu don't make WE decisions and then go back on them. Its dishonest and hurts the unity of a couple; the relationship.
I suggest you and Huband head to couples counselling ASAP or this marriage will terminate.
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