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female
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*arensue
writes: I told my husband that my GED teacher said if we are in his area to let him know and he would come have a drink with us. (my husband plays in a band). My husband made a comment like "why would it be with me too?" I said it is the proper thing to do. You don't just go out with someone's wife. He felt that it would be fine. He said he trusts me. I asked if it was OK to go have a drink with my ex-husband and he said yes. He didn't even care if I talk to an old boyfriend. I don't even have to tell him that I talked to him if I don't want to. I feel this is very unusual. Like he don't have those "feeling emotions". He used to not be very affectionate, but has come around. I know he loves me. Does he have brain blockage because of past relationships? Why does this bother me?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2005): You are bothered and may be expressing some irritation that your husband is blissfully unconcerned and supremely trusting in this relationship. Perhaps, you need to see a bit of interest and concern..some more reassurances from him. You may be testing your husband's devotion to you, by seeing if he'll get a bit jealous when you tell him of other men, asking you for drinks, etc. Many couples tease a bit this way, but some do go to far. Jealousy can be a corrosive, destructive feeling and it undermines trust and feeds feelings of insecurity and fear and it's no fun. If he is loving and supportive in other aspects, you both have a good deal of intimacy then your husband may be just a very 'secure' man who loves you and trusts you completely. He likely realizes he can't necessarily trust those other people, you have a drink with or meet with because not everybody is going to respect your marriage. But he is very secure in knowing he is able to count on you and you will always decide in favor of the strong marriage you share and you'd never cheat on him. It seems to me, he has grown into your relationship to a point where he is assured that you are totally committed to this partnership. He simply doesn't worry about it.
But on the other hand, if intimacy has waned, he's become very cold, he doesn't talk much, then you may have a problem. Indifference is a killer of relationships. If one moment your relationship is riding a wave of warmth and intimacy but the next moment, coldness and indifference creep in-that's a huge red flag. You begin to spend more and more time apart. You are simply too busy to talk together and to be together. After a while you find that it doesn't even bother you to be apart so often. Complete indifference now characterizes a once vital and growing relationship-then the relationship needs repair.
But dear, if you are disenchanted for some reason and you think that many things are missing in your love life and you owe to this marriage and to him, to talk to him about it. Perhaps your husband just needs to start expressing more love to you...you are in need of some "tender loving care". Perhaps, he is just too comfortable, and isn't making the solid efforts to show and display his love to you, while still loving you very much.. Have that talk with him and make your needs known to him. Remember, just because he doesn't express jealousy-doesn't mean he doesn't love you. And this is where communication comes into play. You should talk to him openly and ask him for, more affection, more loving gestures. Couple counselling can help...give this some thought. A good counselor will help you and your husband see your issues from different perspectives. He may need to be encouraged to display more affection and you may need to understand that he does love you..and care..he just isn't a real expressive guy. Compromise is the key here and it can be done. I wish you both the best of luck. Take care
Hugs,
Irish
A
female
reader, Stewart Terrace +, writes (13 October 2005):
I think it bothers you because you want him to be jelous of you getting male attention just be happy that he trusts you with all his heart and get on with life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2005): Dont you hear all the time of coworkers and friends of the same sex having affairs when they drink and have fun? He must have his own 'friend' to play with, so he dont care what she does.
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A
male
reader, Ellis Mac +, writes (13 October 2005):
What I would say, is that you may be expecting your husband to react to your own subconscious thoughts. You feeling that your husband should be concerned, could be that with your subconscious thoughts, he does actually have reason to be concerned. Only, not knowing what your subconscious thoughts are, he is not. It's about what's going on in your head.
So what is the thought process that is triggered when another man invites you out for a drink?
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reader, pops +, writes (13 October 2005):
Does a man in your life have to constantly prove your desireability for you to be happy? Sounds like it ! Why can't you just accept the love a grown up man, who loves you enough to trust you, and knows, or thinks he knows that you love him. While its proper to ask both a man and woman who are married to drink, it is no longer socially required, or morally wrong to have a drink with a married woman other than your wife. In today's work climate, where both spouses usually work outside the home, spending social time with women as friends is acceptable, and vice versa. We are not talking about having an affair. We are simply talking about lunch, or a drink in a public setting. If a woman's husband can join her, fine. If a husband's wife can join them, fine. You should take his behavior as a compliment, and not an insult.
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